Beijing, China- Despite his unbelievable streak of 11 gold medals in swimming, Olympic hero Michael Phelps drowned today in an attempt for medal number 12. Although he was fitted with floaties on both arms, a life jacket and an inflatable ducky around his waist, Phelps was unable to avoid drowning in 4 feet of water during the 200m Men’s Freestyle event. Sports Illustrated previously printed that if “Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods had a baby, and you threw that baby in the water, he would be Michael Phelps.” Sadly, those words rang all too true today at the Beijing National Aquatics Centre, as Phelps showed the swimming prowess of a newborn from the second he entered the pool.

NBC’s Olympic coverage of the event has been around the clock. The 3am broadcast of running or ping pong or horse slapping or something Belgium is good at was interrupted for a special report by Bob Costas. The slightly boyish/slightly old/somewhat trollish looking (but always classy) Costas stated this was “the worst American Olympic tragedy of this type since Seoul 1988 when Greg Louganis dove into a pool with no water in it.”

University of Hawaii Swimologist Dr. Lance Pool has long been an advocate for the anti-drowning movement. Shocked by the Phelps tragedy, the author of Staying Afloat and Swim for Your Life told us that he firmly believes that “swimming is still the best way to keep from drowning.”

US flag waving onlookers were aghast at the sight of Phelps’ behavior from the beginning of the race. A full minute before the official start, the 2007 Speedo Man of the Year, Michael Phelps yelled “cannonball” while holding his nose. He jumped into the pool, bumping into French swimmer Alain Bernard and nearly knocking him into the water in the process. Race officials said it was probably the most disturbing display of horseplay since the shameful “Mark Spitz incident” at the 1972 Munich games. In Germany that year, Spitz ran around the slippery surface surrounding the pool in a reckless manner, yelling the whole time. When race officials urged him to stop, so that he would not “crack his head open” and pleaded with him to use his “inside voice,” Spitz jumped in the pool and relieved himself screaming “I have to go onesies!” As a result of the embarrassing affair, Munich Olympic officials installed the now infamous “we don’t swim in your toilet, please don’t pee in our pool” sign which hangs in Munich Municipal Pool to this day. As punishment for the event, US Swimming Federation officials took away Spitz’s favorite mustache comb for 2 weeks. In Phelps’ case, US Swimming Federation officials were planning on a punishment of “no Nintendos for a month.” Fortunately Phelps died, so they would be spared the sad look on his face that was sure to follow the entire plane ride back to the States.

The tragedy calls into question Olympic Swimming safety precautions in Beijing. For instance, there have been over 30 Olympic swimming events scheduled for this year’s games, yet there hasn’t been a lifeguard on duty for a single one of them. In addition, it has been reported that Michael Phelps ate a hamburger, a hotdog and a big piece of ice cream cake a mere 10 minutes before entering the pool. 

 These types of shenanigans and blatant disregard of safety have brought Congressman Dryton T. Desert’s controversial proposition 47 back into the nation’s collective conscience. Proposition 47 called for the destruction of all of the nations swimming pools. Congressman Desert called for an “end to the nations wet menace” and for a “cease fire of all the splashing.” Some called the Congressman a revolutionary, some called him insane, still more simply said that he was being a baby about getting thrown in the pool while wearing a suit at the House of Representatives annual Pool Party and BBQ back in 1989.

Regardless, the untimely demise of Michael Phelps will be sure to spark a lot of talk once every four years during Olympic coverage. Someone will probably even refer to him as a hero, because of how he, um, you know, swam all fast and whatnot. Skip Sunray from Swim Magazine had this to say. “Michael Phelps has appeared on the cover of Swim Magazine, like, 10 straight times. We’ve called him the greatest swimmer in the history of time. I don’t understand how this could have possibly happened. I guess he forgot his buddy or something.”

This has been a Buzz Pirates Fake News Report.

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