This just in from the buzzpirates fake news desk…
Tragedy struck DigitialSystemFan23 team owner Tom Brady today as his best fantasy league Software Engineer Charles Wei went down with season ending Carpal Tunnel Syndrome on Tuesday morning. This ended the season of one of the leagues biggest stars and most reliable source of fantasy points for over 5 seasons of code input.
Fellow AwesomeLeague!! team owner Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson took a full offensive series off from his day job as a professional football player to post “sux to be you, Gay-Dy, I told you Wei was a bi-atch! DeathbyFax2 is taking it to the house! VP of Marketing Bryce Johanson is the mannnn!” on the AwesomeLeague!! message board following news of the injury.
Fantasy Office has become a popular online distraction for NFL players as team owners can draft office workers who earn points in a variety of statistical categories such as job completion, client contact, sales, earnings, customer service, growth, sent fax confirmations, promotions, 401k and health benefit upgrades.
Brady has yet to comment on the AwesomeLeague!! message board or sign a new team member, as there are roughly 38 million free agent office workers available in his 8 team league. BrettRocks team owner and New York Jets Quarterback Brett Farve put some perspective on the injury. “Well, these are the types of things that happen in any office season. Years of stress on a software engineer’s hands and the hiring of 400,000 software engineers this year alone amps up the pressure. Plus, I told him Wei was a bi-atch a month ago. All that guy does is operate and maintain the same codes he was working on for the past 5 years. Brady, uh, I mean Wei, is a system guy… not a gunslinger by any means.”
“My fat ass boss [Romeo Crennel] is constantly up my ass about getting my touchdowns done and shit,” said Cleveland Browns linebacker D’Qwell Jackson. “What a fucking deuche, that’s why nobody tells him where we go for happy hour after games. Besides, he’d eat all the wings… fat fuck. Eli Manning is in an Office League on CBS Officeline and EOPN and his company the Giants won the Super Bowl.” When asked about Fantasy Office, Crennel replied, “hey, I told these guys they could play their little fairy tale Office game during halftime or after they are finished with their football work for the day. I don’t get it anyway, it makes you root for all the wrong reasons. I like Pfizer, especially Programming Coordinator Sharon McCrudden… how could I possibly root for Glaxo Wellcome? The whole thing seems totally against being a fan of the magic that is office work.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell responded to criticism that allowing fantasy leagues has made football production plummet. “Its clear that some level of yardage and touchdown production has declined, but that could be any one of a number of distractions what with all the pornography being looked at by the 49ers, the midgame two hour lunches the Atlanta Falcons secondary takes and of course we all like to talk to that one cheerleader at the reception desk. Besides, we still lead the world economy in football production. We don’t have to outsource to Latin America and Japan like baseball and we certainly don’t need guys with names with 13 consonants in a row like hockey. Where else yeah gonna get football? A Rugby game? Australian rules football? You won’t find a 6’9” 323 pound guy arrested at a strip club with an uzi in Melbourne, I’ll tell you that, friend.”
When pressed about going too easy about football production this season due to his own fantasy league team MichaelChiklis Out-Me In the NFL Owners Fantasy Office league RICH GUYZ, Goodell added, “whatever, I told [Patriots2 owner] Robert Kraft that Wei guy was a bia-tch from the start.”
High ranking executive wide receiver Terrell Owens had this to say about the Owners’ league. “That league is a points based league…we go head to head in ours, its totally more like working in a real office.” When asked about his touchdown proficiency Owens added. “I told [co-worker] Tony Romo that whenever T.O.’s catching another boring touchdown, T.O. loves to fantasize about what it would be like to oversee a support staff of five people as a mid-level manager. Too bad about Brady though, that injury to Wei is going to hurt way more then his pending knee surgery”
This has been a buzzpirates fake news story.