Irish? Yep, apparently Barack Obama is 3.1 percent Irish

“God bless Falmouth Kearney, he married into good stock. It’s been a wonderfully pleasant surprise,” said American Ireland Fund President Kieran McLoughlin. “And now the main platform to showcase that [connection] occurs in about a week.”

What McLoughlin is no doubt referring to is St. Patrick’s Day. Its unlikely that Obama will be getting drunk on green beer… but will he take this opportunity to embrace his Irish roots. Its kind of an awkward situation for O’President, as he could offend the Irish by not acknowledging his roots…but then he could look silly if he gets to “schticky” with it. Either way, don’t be surprised if Irish Pub’s across the country try to cash in on the Obama is Irish craze.

Check out the Corrigan Brothers new song… “There’s No One as Irish as Barack O’Bama.”

You can also embrace the St. Patrick’s Day spirit and try to beat the recession by making your own beer…

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GoogleFacebook Arena, Hollywood, CA

Smith’s performance was described by many critics as “inevitable,” “agreeable” and “obvious.” Robot Roger Ebert said: “My host model predicted this 25 years ago.”

The movie covers all 12 years of President Obama’s historic presidency. From his curing of HIV and cancer, through leading the United States in World War III, to his appointing the first transgendered Supreme Court Justice, to the addition of the 51st State of Iceland ; Will Smith delivered his trademark cocksure attitude and reliable bankability as a movie star to bring home the gold.

Smith accepted the award as a memorable scene from the movie played in the background. In the scene President Obama saves the American economic crisis as he discovers the secret to a renewable energy source. The discovery of the energy source leads to every American citizen being awarded a share in American Energy Corporation, which created the nation of millionaires all American’s are now accustomed to.

The movie opened on the 14th of July, Will Smith’s trademark movie opening date of New Independence Day. “Big Willie Style owns New Independence Day” said Smith. “I always knew I’d get this role someday and it would be career defining. I mean c’mon, you knew, like, 15 years ago I’d be winning this Oscar.”

Will Smith blew away the competition, including fellow best actor nominee Gordon Joesph Levitt for his role as “Baltic Avenue” in Monopoly: The Movie.

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UPDATE: 9/2/09 – Diane Sawyer has been named as the new anchor of ABC World News, replacing a retiring Charles Gibson.

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Houston, Texas

Initially the idea of having monkeys reading magazines was suggested, but the President dismissed the idea by insisting that “monkeys are stupid” and then ran out of the room with his Nintendo DS.

LeCriff, who famously designed the Stallone Mouth Museum, Paris Hilton Choch Cleanliness Clinic as well as the Andy Dick Snorting Cocaine Off a Flaming Twink War Memorial is excited about his most recent project. “We have secured a very prestigous placement in a Radio Shack fronted stripmall. This stripmall, is probably one of the top 17 stripmalls in the tri-county area. We are very excited about this opportunity to truly honor the President in a way that fits him.”

“The President is a reader, I mean he has subscriptions, to like 4 magazines,” said White House maid Olivia Sanchez. “As a matter of fact I think he has the magazines directly delivered to the Oval Office bathroom.”

“Oh, my Poopsie, he always has been a marvelous reader while on the toilet” added Laura Bush. “I remember him telling me about reading an entire issue of Highlights magazine in one sitting on the toilet. Both his legs had fallen asleep, but he stuck it out for 50 full minutes trying to find everything in the Hidden Picture Playground. He’s a real go-getter…well, when it comes to reading magazines on the toilet he is.”

United States Secretary of Education, Margaret Spellings suggested that maybe President Bush should go the “classic route” of having a Presidential Library and that perhaps a magazine stand would be “trashy” and “send the wrong message.” When approached with the idea, President Bush stared puzzled at Spellings for a full five minutes before answering, “well, but this is gonna have dinosaurs reading magazines on it…”

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Douchey McGee was arrested by federal law enforcement agents today. The FBI alleged that the governor solicited significant contributions from candidates for payment to fill President-elect Barack Obama’s vacant US Senate seat. There are charges against him including conspiracy to commit mail fraud and wire fraud as well as solicitation of bribery.

Blagojevich also allegedly threatened to withhold state assistance to Tribune Co., the owner of the Chicago Tribune, in the sale of Wrigley Field. He’s going to drag the Cubs into this mess too? I know Obama is a White Sox fan… but this is too far. In return for state assistance, Blagojevich allegedly wanted members of the paper’s editorial board who had been critical of him fired. So, now he’s trying to restrict freedom of speech too? What a cockstain.

Prez Elect Obama better distance himself from this guy as quickly as possible, throw him under the bus like right now. Hopefully Barry will call a press conference and say that he agrees with us that…

Gov. Rod Blagojevich… smile, you are Buzz Pirates’ Douche of the Day.

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Check out this CNN video about Barry’s pre-election ritual of playing basketball with friends. Check Obama get the steal, go behind the back, lead the fast break and then dish out the assist. Say What!

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To celebrate Barry’s historical achievement (and with a little help from www.infoplease.com, here are several other notable African American Firsts:

Government
• Local elected official: John Mercer Langston, 1855, town clerk of Brownhelm Township, Ohio.
• State elected official: Alexander Lucius Twilight, 1836, the Vermont legislature.
• Mayor of major city: Carl Stokes, Cleveland, Ohio, 1967-1971. The first black woman to serve as a mayor of a major U.S. city was Sharon Pratt Dixon Kelly, Washington, DC, 1991-1995.
• Governor (appointed): P.B.S. Pinchback served as governor of Louisiana from Dec. 9, 1872-Jan. 13, 1873, during impeachment proceedings against the elected governor.
• Governor (elected): L. Douglas Wilder, Virginia, 1990-1994. The only other elected black governor has been Deval Patrick, Massachusetts, 2007-
• U.S. Representative: Joseph Rainey became a Congressman from South Carolina in 1870 and was reelected four more times. The first black female U.S. Representative was Shirley Chisholm, Congresswoman from New York, 1969-1983.
• U.S. Senator: Hiram Revels became Senator from Mississippi from Feb. 25, 1870, to March 4, 1871, during Reconstruction. Edward Brooke became the first African-American Senator since Reconstruction, 1966-1979. Carol Mosely Braun became the first black woman Senator serving from 1992-1998 for the state of Illinois. (There have only been a total of five black senators in U.S. history: the remaining two are Blanche K. Bruce [1875-1881] and Barack Obama (2005- ).
• U.S. cabinet member: Robert C. Weaver, 1966-1968, Secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development under Lyndon Johnson; the first black female cabinet minister was Patricia Harris, 1977, Secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development under Jimmy Carter.
• U.S. Secretary of State: Gen. Colin Powell, 2001-2004. The first black female Secretary of State was Condoleezza Rice, 2005-.

Law
• Federal Judge: William Henry Hastie, 1946; Constance Baker Motley became the first black woman federal judge, 1966.
• U.S. Supreme Court Justice: Thurgood Marshall, 1967-1991. Clarence Thomas became the second African American to serve on the Court in 1991.
African-American Firsts: Scholarship
• College graduate (B.A.): Alexander Lucius Twilight, 1823, Middlebury College; first black woman to receive a B.A. degree: Mary Jane Patterson, 1862, Oberlin College.
• Ph.D.: Edward A. Bouchet, 1876, received a Ph.D. from Yale University. In 1921, three individuals became the first U.S. black women to earn Ph.D.s: Georgiana Simpson, University of Chicago; Sadie Tanner Mossell Alexander, University of Pennsylvania; and Eva Beatrice Dykes, Radcliffe College.
• Rhodes Scholar: Alain L. Locke, 1907.
• College president: Daniel A. Payne, 1856, Wilberforce University, Ohio.
• Ive League President: Ruth Simmons, 2001, Brown University.

Music, TV and Film
• Male Grammy Award winner: Count Basie, 1958.
• Female Grammy Award winner: Ella Fitzgerald, 1958.
• First Oscar: Hattie McDaniel, 1940, supporting actress, Gone with the Wind.
• Oscar, Best Actor/Actress: Sidney Poitier, 1963, Lilies of the Field; Halle Berry, 2001, Monster’s Ball.
• Oscar, Best Actress Nominee: Dorothy Dandridge, 1954, Carmen Jones.
• Network television show host: Nat King Cole, 1956, “The Nat King Cole Show”; Oprah Winfrey became the first black woman television host in 1986, “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”
• Star of a network television show: Bill Cosby, 1965, “I Spy”.

Sports
• Major league baseball player: Jackie Robinson, 1947, Brooklyn Dodgers.
• Elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame: Jackie Robinson, 1962.
• NFL quarterback: Willie Thrower, 1953.
• NFL football coach: Fritz Pollard, 1922-1937.
• Golf champion: Tiger Woods, 1997, won the Masters golf tournament.
• NHL hockey player: Willie O’Ree, 1958, Boston Bruins.1
• Heavyweight boxing champion: Jack Johnson, 1908.

Other African-American Firsts
• Licensed Pilot: Bessie Coleman, 1921.
• Millionaire: Madame C. J. Walker.
• Billionaire: Robert Johnson, 2001, owner of Black Entertainment Television; Oprah Winfrey, 2003.
• Portrayal on a postage stamp: Booker T. Washington, 1940 (and also 1956).
• Miss America: Vanessa Williams, 1984, representing New York. When controversial photos surfaced and Williams resigned, Suzette Charles, the runner-up and also an African American, assumed the title. She represented New Jersey. Three additional African Americans have been Miss Americas: Debbye Turner (1990), Marjorie Vincent (1991), and Kimberly Aiken (1994).
• Explorer, North Pole: Matthew A. Henson, 1909, accompanied Robert E. Peary on the first successful U.S. expedition to the North Pole.
• Explorer, South Pole: George Gibbs, 1939-1941 accompanied Richard Byrd.
• Flight around the world: Barrington Irving, 2007, from Miami Gardens, Florida, flew a Columbia 400 plane named Inspiration around the world in 96 days, 150 hours (March 23-June 27).
• First astronaut: Robert H. Lawrence, Jr., 1967, was the first black astronaut, but he died in a plane crash during a training flight and never made it into space. Guion Bluford, 1983, became the first black astronaut to travel in space; Mae Jemison, 1992, became the first black female astronaut. Frederick D. Gregory, 1998, was the first African-American shuttle commander.

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Alright now, so this election…hey Colonel, get me my stuffed giraffe Neckers that Ann Marget gave me outta my yellow Cadillac. What? What do you mean I ain’t got no yellow Cadillac. Ain’t that a kick in the King’s keister! I gots me 4 Cadillacs, but no yellow one! Mmmm, this here sandwich is the tops. Hey Pop, go pick me up a new yellow Cadillac. C’mon now, I’m the King! We can’t go on together, with suspicious miiiiiiiiinds.

Now, you know I’ve done push ups with JFK… karate with Nixon… and I may have even rode one of them unicorns with LBJ, so the King knows a thing or two about these elections, Jack. Hey Trish, can you wipe my brow, I’m sweatin’ on my sandwich now. Thanks Dish, now you go upstairs and wait for me in my velvet bed, the King will be up in a few. Hey Colonel, have them make me another sandwich, this one I want peanut butter, chocolate, a chopped up G.I. Joe, the May ’67 issue of Time Magazine…and baby toes. C’mon now, I’m the King! Oh let me be… your teddddddy beeeaaaaar.

So wait, what’s this? There’s a chocolate cat running for president? Obama what? Hey man, ain’t that a hot pepper! I’m all for it! Whoa, whoa, whoa…slow down the groove for a minute here, what’s with this lady Palin? What, she like that crazy lookin’ old guy’s daughter or something? Now, that is a fox, I tell you what, Jack. If I saw her I’d be all like… Take my hand, take my whooooollllle life too, for I, can’t help fallin’ in love with youuuuuuuu.

Alright, so now I think the secret to this here election is…hey wait, Colonel, can you get me some more pills, you know how the King gets when his head gets all to thinking. And have them mix up the King another sandwich, I’m hungrier than Jackie Gleason was right before he ate Perry Como. Now get it right this time, I want peanut butter, a crushed up moon rock, barbiturates, a two dollar bill…and baby toes. I don’t care if this sandwich is illegal, Jack! So help me God, I will kill all of you with my magic sequin karate!!! Ok, then daddio, make with the sandwich. C’mon now, I’m the King! Im just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning loooooooooove.

Elvis is a Buzz Pirates Correspondent

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According to Wikipedia Socialism refers to a broad set of economic theories of social organization advocating state or collective ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods, and the creation of an egalitarian society. Modern socialism originated in the late nineteenth-century working class political movement. Karl Marx posited that socialism would be achieved via class struggle and a proletarian revolution which represents the transitional stage between capitalism and communism.

Lot of words there. People tend to make an evil connection between socialism and communism – and anyone who saw Rocky IV knows how scary that can be.

Well, fear not and meet the REAL socialist party ticket. His name is Brian Moore (on the right) and he is the Socialist Party Presidential Candidate. His running mate (on the left) is Stewart Alexander. Brian appeared on the Colbert Report on Tuesday and was definitely a good sport. The lead up to his appearance was basically a bunch of media pundits and Gov. Palin calling Obama a socialist… followed up with the real socialist candidate.

I think there are some Socialist ideals that are well founded, and socialism has worked well in Scandanavian countries. I believe that the way it works is that everyone is given 6 meatballs and blonde hair, and nobody has to work. Still, I think the US is too big and diverse for it to function properly. Nevertheless, I think its important that major ideas like Socialism that have good intentions get a voice. So, Brian Moore, good luck getting 0.00000000000001% of the vote… I may not vote for you, but I like you’re style.

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