New York – As the final out of the 2009 world series was recorded, and the Yankees began a jubilant celebration of their historic 27^th championship, the heavens began to part and bathe all of the Bronx in a divine ethereal glow. As the pure light of creation descended upon all in attendance, time slowed as if the entire universe stopped to appreciate a dream like trance. The captain, Derek Jeter sparkling with an aura as powerful as a million suns but as soothing as a mother’s caress, unveiled the snow white robe under his uniform and levitated towards the podium with his arms outstretched. All in attendance genuflected and awaited the Messianic Word. Although His lips did not part and no words were spoken, all in attendance were bequeathed with the Word. Over the PA system the voice of Bob Sheppard boomed…

“My children…I no longer have the need to speak. Although I still have my earthly body, my voice will be transmitted through the dulcet tones of Bob Sheppard. “

Immediately, 20,000 cases of erectile dysfunction were immediately cured…

“Since I first descended upon this earthly realm, I have given many gifts freely for the betterment of humanity. I ended the cold war, invented love, used my tears to cure AIDS, and my used my sweet breath to reverse global warming.

“But now my time has come for me to move on. My work is needed elsewhere. Places where lonely children cry in the night, cute animals are threatened with extinction and hip young actresses are without dates.”

“But I do not leave you empty handed. For I am leaving you with the divine Word. A set of 10 commandments that will guide you through life for generations to come, especially through the difficult period of rotating Dominicans that will attempt to replace me at shortstop.”

And as an adjured hush fell over the 50,000 sycophants, the 733 million dollar Spongetech scoreboard revealed Lord Jeter’s lasting legacy…

1. Thou shall have no other divine shortstops except for me.
2. Thou shall treat all routine plays made as if they were the most incredible feats of athleticism ever in the history of the universe
3. Thou shall only drive Ford Edge’s
4. Thou shall refer to all bowel movements, ie…#2’s…as taking a “Jeter”
5. Thou shall immediately proceed any reference to me, in any circumstance ever, with a cutaway image of my biracial parents
6. Thou shall not perform DNA testing of semen samples taken from my anus
7. Thou shall not perform DNA testing of where Alex Rodriguez’s cock has been
8. Thou shall purchase my cologne on sale for $29.99 at Marshall’s
9. Thou shall NEVER, under any circumstances, defile the great Yankee uniform by having my name, or any yankee player’s name, stitched on the back of your worthless jersey
10. Thou shall ignore all the shortstops that were better than me but not so fortunate to play on some of the greatest teams in modern sports history. This list includes but is not limited to…Omar Vizquel, Ozzie Smith, Cal Ripken, Ernie Banks, Luis Aparicio, Pee Wee Reese, Joe Cronin, Honus Wagner, Robin Yount, etc..

And with the final commandment, a wisp of smoke swooped up the yankee great and elevated him above the gawking rabble high into the New York night to his home far beyond the known galaxy to join his other sports brethren Michael Jordan, Bobby Orr, Mohammed Ali, Michael Phelps, Joe Montana, Tiger Woods….etc, etc

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