Regional Sales Manager Rallies Team by Declaring Fall 2008 “Hammer Time”

Knoxville, Tennessee: An already excruciating Power Point presentation by regional sales manager Harvey Blythe was brought to new lows Tuesday, when he declared the most recent sales drive to be “Hammer Time.” The rallying cry “Hammer Time” was inspired by Oakland rapper Stanley “M.C. Hammer” Burrell and his early 1990’s rap hit “U Can’t Touch This.” The recently promoted Blythe addressed the 12 person sales team in conference room B with forced enthusiasm and absolutely no irony. In addition, “U Can’t Touch This” was played at various volumes 40 times during the 85 minute presentation.

In what sales associate Stephanie Katz called “the whitest thing she’d ever seen” Blythe feebly crossed his arms and tilted his head every time he said Hammer Time during the presentation. The mood in the room went from uncomfortable to downright squeamish when Blythe singled out African American Sales Rep Tony Montgomery and you said “you know what I’m talking about bro” after saying Hammer Time for the first time.

“At first I thought he was joking,” said assistant sales manager Helen Kim, “but then I realized he was serious in thinking “Hammer Time” was a recent pop culture reference. Maybe he doesn’t own a tv or something?” She continued, “I did my best to help by saying the sales team was “Too Legit 2 Quit,” but Harvey looked at me with a blank stare, like I was the uncool person in the room. That’s when I decided to let him go down with his pop-culture deficient ship.”

The 11:45am start time did not help lift the team’s morale as lunch was certainly going to be late, rushed or skipped all together. Disgruntled sales rep Todd Feller voiced his frustration while clicking through his fantasy football team in his cubicle later that afternoon: “I was ready to freak out when I realized I’d be eating Munchos out of the vending machine again for lunch. The sunglasses he put on at the end of his lame ass power point presentation was the perfect topping for his shit sandwich presentation. U Can’t Touch This? This guy is definitely in the dorkestra and he “can touch” this (pointing at his crotch).”

Montgomery summed up the Hammer Time presentation, “it was pretty lame, but it was better than when Douche [Regional Sales Manager Paul Dusherson] said that Spring 2008 [‘s sales campaign] was worse than when sales rep Wendy Myers had an abortion.

This has been a Buzz Pirates Fake New Report

Google Chrome’s Path to World Domination

Windows Terminator

Google Chrome, the new web browser released last week from the monster search engine company is being touted as the “Windows Killer“. So far, it is available for Windows machines only, being Google’s giant “F-U” to Microsoft.

Since so many people are convinced Google Chrome is going to change the world, we decided to roll up our sleeves and do a little “research” ourselves. We jumped into the Buzz Pirates time machine to take a look at the 10 Ways Google Chrome Will Change the World…Buzz Pirates style…

Linday Loham saved by Google Chrome
09/05/2008 – Shortly after its release, Google Chrome immediately goes to work making the world a better place. Its first priority…slapping Lindsay Lohan into shape. Thanks to GC, Linds never touches another drop of alcohol ever again and goes on to enjoy a celebrated acting career. She eventually scores the gluttonous gig of “Feed the Children” spokeswoman, taking over for Sally Struthers who finally dies of obesity. Unfortunately, within 2 months, Lindsay reaches a whopping 320lbs.

09/15/2008 – Thanks to its ease of use and handy “Internets” button, grandmas all over the world are finally able to send emails and instant messages using the computer-majig and the cell phone machine. In fact, Google Chrome proves so helpful that when old people fall, they are able to get up.
Google Chrome Life Alert

10/05/2008 – With Chrome’s increasing popularity, it catches the eye of the most popular woman of the time – Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin. In a matter of weeks, the two become smitten. Risking permanent damage to her image and political career, Sarah ditches her loser husband and shacks up with Chrome. The world thought it would be professional suicide, but it had the opposite effect. The two quickly become America’s Sweethearts. Popularity for Chrome skyrockets as it becomes the only other thing besides Todd Palin to see Sarah Palin naked.
Sarah Palin Chrome

Valentino (aka Mr. Tan)
10/21/2008 – With a powerful woman at its side, Google Chrome decides that second in command is not good enough. Sarah declines her nomination for Vice President and Google Chrome is selected as the Independent Party’s nominee for President of the United States. Polls quickly show that Chrome has a strong edge over Barack Obama. When asked for his opinion, Fashion designer and world’s most tanned man, Valentino, said “well, Chrome is the new black”.
Presidential Candidates

11/04/2008 – Google Chrome goes on to win the 2008 U.S. Presidential Election and becomes the 44th president of the United States of America. Chrome immediately goes to work repairing the damage done by George W. Bush. Within months, the U.S. economy is better than any point in history as the stock market skyrockets 1800%. Unemployment is non-existent. Education is at an all time high. The war in Iraq ends and Iran becomes one of the strongest U.S. allies. Israel and Palestine are best friends. Google Chrome becomes the greatest leader in the history of the free world. Osama Bin Laden is one of Chrome’s closest friends and is often overheard saying “Jihad-shmad…throw me another beer.”
Richard Nixon Chrome

Google Chrome Hitler
09/09/2009 – The popularity eventually goes to Google Chrome’s head. It becomes sick with power and begins mobilizing for global domination. It begins hunting down and annihilating the remaining few Internet Explorer and Mozilla Firefox users. The rest of the world follows Chrome out of fear of its iron fist. It believes it is the second coming of Christ. Admittedly…web services are godly fast.

12/09/2013 – Google Chrome is ruler of planet Earth, but quickly realizes that it is lonely at the top. Sarah Palin has left it. Its friends have deserted it. It can trust no one. It is completely and utterly alone. It begins turning to drugs to find solace from the misery of life. Piles of cocaine a day make it jumpy and paranoid. Web pages are loading lightening fast, but the browser crashes shortly thereafter.
chrome cocaine

01/30/2018 – After years of drug and alcohol abuse, Google Chrome finally has a moment of clarity. It longs for the days of helping people and making the world a better place. It gives up its position as ruler of Planet Earth and vows to relinquish all of its worldly possessions. It dedicates itself to a life of wisdom, meditation and peaceful demonstration in support of human rights. It shares its source code with Microsoft, ending a long history of bitter rivalry.
Ghandi Chrome

Google Chrome Beggar
7/11/2019 – While Google Chrome and Microsoft continue to work together to create the worlds greatest web browser in the history of mankind, the Apple iPhone manages to redefine computing as the greatest advancement since the invention of the transistor. Clunky desktops are a thing of the past. Laptops are nonexistent. Even blade servers exist nowhere but the Smithsonian. The highest traffic websites of the world are all powered by 8G iPhones. Desktop web browsers have become obsolete. Broke, tired and hungry, Google Chrome hits the streets relying on the compassion of those who have forgotten it.

01/26/2023 – Many years later, MIT students are able to use Google Chrome to extract a glutenous substance, which is then baked in an oven at 350 degrees before being dissected with a high powered optical laser. When they add a piece of Swiss cheese, Google Chrome truly becomes the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Chrome Sandwich

Michael Phelps Drowns in Beijing Olympic Tragedy

This Just in From the Buzz Pirates Fake News Desk:

Beijing, China– Despite his unbelievable streak of 11 gold medals in swimming, Olympic hero Michael Phelps drowned today in an attempt for medal number 12. Although he was fitted with floaties on both arms, a life jacket and an inflatable ducky around his waist, Phelps was unable to avoid drowning in 4 feet of water during the 200m Men’s Freestyle event. Sports Illustrated previously printed that if “Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods had a baby, and you threw that baby in the water, he would be Michael Phelps.” Sadly, those words rang all too true today at the Beijing National Aquatics Centre, as Phelps showed the swimming prowess of a newborn from the second he entered the pool.

NBC’s Olympic coverage of the event has been around the clock. The 3am broadcast of running or ping pong or horse slapping or something Belgium is good at was interrupted for a special report by Bob Costas. The slightly boyish/slightly old/somewhat trollish looking (but always classy) Costas stated this was “the worst American Olympic tragedy of this type since Seoul 1988 when Greg Louganis dove into a pool with no water in it.”

University of Hawaii Swimologist Dr. Lance Pool has long been an advocate for the anti-drowning movement. Shocked by the Phelps tragedy, the author of Staying Afloat and Swim for Your Life told us that he firmly believes that “swimming is still the best way to keep from drowning.”

US flag waving onlookers were aghast at the sight of Phelps’ behavior from the beginning of the race. A full minute before the official start, the 2007 Speedo Man of the Year, Michael Phelps yelled “cannonball” while holding his nose. He jumped into the pool, bumping into French swimmer Alain Bernard and nearly knocking him into the water in the process. Race officials said it was probably the most disturbing display of horseplay since the shameful “Mark Spitz incident” at the 1972 Munich games. In Germany that year, Spitz ran around the slippery surface surrounding the pool in a reckless manner, yelling the whole time. When race officials urged him to stop, so that he would not “crack his head open” and pleaded with him to use his “inside voice,” Spitz jumped in the pool and relieved himself screaming “I have to go onesies!” As a result of the embarrassing affair, Munich Olympic officials installed the now infamous “we don’t swim in your toilet, please don’t pee in our pool” sign which hangs in Munich Municipal Pool to this day. As punishment for the event, US Swimming Federation officials took away Spitz’s favorite mustache comb for 2 weeks. In Phelps’ case, US Swimming Federation officials were planning on a punishment of “no Nintendos for a month.” Fortunately Phelps died, so they would be spared the sad look on his face that was sure to follow the entire plane ride back to the States.

The tragedy calls into question Olympic Swimming safety precautions in Beijing. For instance, there have been over 30 Olympic swimming events scheduled for this year’s games, yet there hasn’t been a lifeguard on duty for a single one of them. In addition, it has been reported that Michael Phelps ate a hamburger, a hotdog and a big piece of ice cream cake a mere 10 minutes before entering the pool. 

 These types of shenanigans and blatant disregard of safety have brought Congressman Dryton T. Desert’s controversial proposition 47 back into the nation’s collective conscience. Proposition 47 called for the destruction of all of the nations swimming pools. Congressman Desert called for an “end to the nations wet menace” and for a “cease fire of all the splashing.” Some called the Congressman a revolutionary, some called him insane, still more simply said that he was being a baby about getting thrown in the pool while wearing a suit at the House of Representatives annual Pool Party and BBQ back in 1989.

Regardless, the untimely demise of Michael Phelps will be sure to spark a lot of talk once every four years during Olympic coverage. Someone will probably even refer to him as a hero, because of how he, um, you know, swam all fast and whatnot. Skip Sunray from Swim Magazine had this to say. “Michael Phelps has appeared on the cover of Swim Magazine, like, 10 straight times. We’ve called him the greatest swimmer in the history of time. I don’t understand how this could have possibly happened. I guess he forgot his buddy or something.”

This has been a Buzz Pirates Fake News Report.