Presidential Firsts

In honor of Barack Obama becoming the first African American elected to the White House, we at Buzz Pirates feel obligated to relive other presidential firsts throughout American history.

April 30, 1789 – Within 4 minutes of being sworn in as the 1st president George Washington abuses hispower as the leader of the free world by immediately appointing himself Vice-president, Secretary of State, Secretary of War, Ombudsman, Exchequer, Viscount, Duke of Awesomeness, & P-Dog Pimp of Pennsylvania Ave. The first in a long line of rich white men imbued with an exaggerated sense of omnipotence that would eventually extend to Mr. Obama…our first rich black man with an exaggerated sense of omnipotence.

August 22, 1805 – Thomas Jefferson becomes the first president to realize the non-gustatory benefit of “brown sugar”. He was known to remark “methinks that slave doth provide a posterior of adequate qualitie”

January 16, 1834 – In a moment of innovative exuberance but poor foresight, Martin Van Buren becomes the first president to have his face adorn coin currency. Unfortunately this involved literally pressing his face into a large disk of molten hot metal. Only one of these coins was ever minted.

April 4, 1841 – William Henry Harrison becomes the first president to die in office 30 days after his inauguration. Since early drafts of the constitution assumed that our omnipotent rich white men would live forever, a contingency plan was needed, but it took time. So, while relief president John Tyler was warming up in the bullpen, Harrison also became the first president to govern while dead.

March 4, 1861 – Abraham Lincoln becomes our first homosexual president…end of story.

October 12, 1879 – Rutherford B. Hayes became the first president to suggest that Martin Luther King’s Birthday be made a national holiday. Of course considering this was 50 years before King was actually born, people were not very receptive. Other ideas of his that were given only lukewarm reception: giving official statehood to the moon, mandatory naked Fridays at the office, and public funding for peanut butter flying saucer elephants.

March 4, 1893 – Grover Cleveland becomes the first president to serve a second non-consecutive term. Cleveland convinced the American people that he just needed to pick up a few items that he left behind from the first term. Postmaster General Wilson Bissell distinctly overheard Cleveland mumble “suckers” under his breath. But payback is a bitch, and we’ve immortalized Cleveland’s legacy by naming a grungy New Jersey Turnpike rest stop and a grotesque blue muppet after him.

1909 – 3 minutes after the Oval office was constructed William Howard Taft became the first president to violate an intern in the office with a common household object….it was a spatula embossed with the presidential seal and the quote “Hail to The Chef.” Interestingly, Taft also holds the presidential record for firsts. He was the first:

* To become a Supreme Court justice after his term in office
* To throw out the first ceremonial first pitch at a baseball game
* To eat the first ceremonial buffalo at a buffalo eating contest.
* To pat his head and rub his stomach simultaneously while violating an intern
* To envision a foreign dignitary’s head as a giant cartoon ham hock

1932 – Franklin Roosevelt is widely believed to be the first president bound to a wheelchair. This is a half truth. FDR was placed in a wheelchair as a shrewd political strategy to sway the coveted “Cripple Belt” of the Southeastern US during the 1932 election. In reality, FDR was a world class jumpist who double majored in kicking and deep knee bends in college.

January 1947 – Harry Truman delivers the first televised state of the union address. Initially apprehensive, Truman quickly warms up to the idea of being in front of the camera, and especially, warms up to the idea of being in make-up and becoming a “superstar”. Eventually he would be found prancing around the Rose Garden in full drag and posing for his millions of adoring fans. All the while shouting his famous lines, “The buck stops here…darling!” and “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen… because it’s murder on your skin!”

September 21, 1981 – In what political pundit William F. Buckley called “a truly Rutherford B. Hayesian maneuver”, Ronald Reagan appoints Sandra Day O’Connor as the first female Supreme Court justice. Although admired for his trailblazing choice of a woman to sit on the highest court in the land, Reagan later admitted that his choice was accidental, a result of hallucinations caused by excessive use of the hair dye red #2.

January, 1993 – “Slick Willy” Bill Clinton authorizes the use of the first Cabinet “Casting Couch” in order to score, in his words, some “righteous poon”. The endeavor is moderately successful with Janet Reno getting Attorney General, Donna Shalala landing Secretary of Health & Human Services, & Warren Christopher scooping up Secretary of State.

2000-2008 – George W. Bush became the first president to actually make America a less livable place than Botswana.

Submitted by guest writer Matt

Obama and Other African American Firsts

Regardless of your political affiliation last night Barack Obama made history by becoming the first African American (and first minority for that matter) to be elected to the nations highest office. We’ve shown you the best picture of Obama ever and and shown you video of some crazy preacher talking about the President Elect. Today we are going to class it up a bit…

To celebrate Barry’s historical achievement (and with a little help from www.infoplease.com, here are several other notable African American Firsts:

Government
Local elected official: John Mercer Langston, 1855, town clerk of Brownhelm Township, Ohio.
State elected official: Alexander Lucius Twilight, 1836, the Vermont legislature.
Mayor of major city: Carl Stokes, Cleveland, Ohio, 1967-1971. The first black woman to serve as a mayor of a major U.S. city was Sharon Pratt Dixon Kelly, Washington, DC, 1991-1995.
Governor (appointed): P.B.S. Pinchback served as governor of Louisiana from Dec. 9, 1872-Jan. 13, 1873, during impeachment proceedings against the elected governor.
Governor (elected): L. Douglas Wilder, Virginia, 1990-1994. The only other elected black governor has been Deval Patrick, Massachusetts, 2007-
U.S. Representative: Joseph Rainey became a Congressman from South Carolina in 1870 and was reelected four more times. The first black female U.S. Representative was Shirley Chisholm, Congresswoman from New York, 1969-1983.
U.S. Senator: Hiram Revels became Senator from Mississippi from Feb. 25, 1870, to March 4, 1871, during Reconstruction. Edward Brooke became the first African-American Senator since Reconstruction, 1966-1979. Carol Mosely Braun became the first black woman Senator serving from 1992-1998 for the state of Illinois. (There have only been a total of five black senators in U.S. history: the remaining two are Blanche K. Bruce [1875-1881] and Barack Obama (2005- ).
U.S. cabinet member: Robert C. Weaver, 1966-1968, Secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development under Lyndon Johnson; the first black female cabinet minister was Patricia Harris, 1977, Secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development under Jimmy Carter.
U.S. Secretary of State: Gen. Colin Powell, 2001-2004. The first black female Secretary of State was Condoleezza Rice, 2005-.

Law
Federal Judge: William Henry Hastie, 1946; Constance Baker Motley became the first black woman federal judge, 1966.
U.S. Supreme Court Justice: Thurgood Marshall, 1967-1991. Clarence Thomas became the second African American to serve on the Court in 1991.
African-American Firsts: Scholarship
College graduate (B.A.): Alexander Lucius Twilight, 1823, Middlebury College; first black woman to receive a B.A. degree: Mary Jane Patterson, 1862, Oberlin College.
Ph.D.: Edward A. Bouchet, 1876, received a Ph.D. from Yale University. In 1921, three individuals became the first U.S. black women to earn Ph.D.s: Georgiana Simpson, University of Chicago; Sadie Tanner Mossell Alexander, University of Pennsylvania; and Eva Beatrice Dykes, Radcliffe College.
Rhodes Scholar: Alain L. Locke, 1907.
College president: Daniel A. Payne, 1856, Wilberforce University, Ohio.
Ive League President: Ruth Simmons, 2001, Brown University.

Music, TV and Film
Male Grammy Award winner: Count Basie, 1958.
Female Grammy Award winner: Ella Fitzgerald, 1958.
First Oscar: Hattie McDaniel, 1940, supporting actress, Gone with the Wind.
Oscar, Best Actor/Actress: Sidney Poitier, 1963, Lilies of the Field; Halle Berry, 2001, Monster’s Ball.
Oscar, Best Actress Nominee: Dorothy Dandridge, 1954, Carmen Jones.
Network television show host: Nat King Cole, 1956, “The Nat King Cole Show”; Oprah Winfrey became the first black woman television host in 1986, “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”
Star of a network television show: Bill Cosby, 1965, “I Spy”.

Sports
Major league baseball player: Jackie Robinson, 1947, Brooklyn Dodgers.
Elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame: Jackie Robinson, 1962.
NFL quarterback: Willie Thrower, 1953.
NFL football coach: Fritz Pollard, 1922-1937.
Golf champion: Tiger Woods, 1997, won the Masters golf tournament.
NHL hockey player: Willie O’Ree, 1958, Boston Bruins.1
Heavyweight boxing champion: Jack Johnson, 1908.

Other African-American Firsts
Licensed Pilot: Bessie Coleman, 1921.
Millionaire: Madame C. J. Walker.
Billionaire: Robert Johnson, 2001, owner of Black Entertainment Television; Oprah Winfrey, 2003.
Portrayal on a postage stamp: Booker T. Washington, 1940 (and also 1956).
Miss America: Vanessa Williams, 1984, representing New York. When controversial photos surfaced and Williams resigned, Suzette Charles, the runner-up and also an African American, assumed the title. She represented New Jersey. Three additional African Americans have been Miss Americas: Debbye Turner (1990), Marjorie Vincent (1991), and Kimberly Aiken (1994).
Explorer, North Pole: Matthew A. Henson, 1909, accompanied Robert E. Peary on the first successful U.S. expedition to the North Pole.
Explorer, South Pole: George Gibbs, 1939-1941 accompanied Richard Byrd.
Flight around the world: Barrington Irving, 2007, from Miami Gardens, Florida, flew a Columbia 400 plane named Inspiration around the world in 96 days, 150 hours (March 23-June 27).
First astronaut: Robert H. Lawrence, Jr., 1967, was the first black astronaut, but he died in a plane crash during a training flight and never made it into space. Guion Bluford, 1983, became the first black astronaut to travel in space; Mae Jemison, 1992, became the first black female astronaut. Frederick D. Gregory, 1998, was the first African-American shuttle commander.

Elvis on the 2008 Presidential Election

Now alright mama before we get this whole humdinger a shakin, the King is gonna need a few things. Hey, Colonel, could you have them mix me up a peanut butter and banana sandwich with Demerol…and… baby toes. C’mon now, I’m the King! Love me tender, love me sweet…never let me goooooo.

Alright now, so this election…hey Colonel, get me my stuffed giraffe Neckers that Ann Marget gave me outta my yellow Cadillac. What? What do you mean I ain’t got no yellow Cadillac. Ain’t that a kick in the King’s keister! I gots me 4 Cadillacs, but no yellow one! Mmmm, this here sandwich is the tops. Hey Pop, go pick me up a new yellow Cadillac. C’mon now, I’m the King! We can’t go on together, with suspicious miiiiiiiiinds.

Now, you know I’ve done push ups with JFK… karate with Nixon… and I may have even rode one of them unicorns with LBJ, so the King knows a thing or two about these elections, Jack. Hey Trish, can you wipe my brow, I’m sweatin’ on my sandwich now. Thanks Dish, now you go upstairs and wait for me in my velvet bed, the King will be up in a few. Hey Colonel, have them make me another sandwich, this one I want peanut butter, chocolate, a chopped up G.I. Joe, the May ’67 issue of Time Magazine…and baby toes. C’mon now, I’m the King! Oh let me be… your teddddddy beeeaaaaar.

So wait, what’s this? There’s a chocolate cat running for president? Obama what? Hey man, ain’t that a hot pepper! I’m all for it! Whoa, whoa, whoa…slow down the groove for a minute here, what’s with this lady Palin? What, she like that crazy lookin’ old guy’s daughter or something? Now, that is a fox, I tell you what, Jack. If I saw her I’d be all like… Take my hand, take my whooooollllle life too, for I, can’t help fallin’ in love with youuuuuuuu.

Alright, so now I think the secret to this here election is…hey wait, Colonel, can you get me some more pills, you know how the King gets when his head gets all to thinking. And have them mix up the King another sandwich, I’m hungrier than Jackie Gleason was right before he ate Perry Como. Now get it right this time, I want peanut butter, a crushed up moon rock, barbiturates, a two dollar bill…and baby toes. I don’t care if this sandwich is illegal, Jack! So help me God, I will kill all of you with my magic sequin karate!!! Ok, then daddio, make with the sandwich. C’mon now, I’m the King! Im just a hunk, a hunk of burning love
Just a hunk, a hunk of burning loooooooooove.

Elvis is a Buzz Pirates Correspondent

Who is the Real Socialist?

Recently, there has been a lot of attention given to Sen. Obama being called a socialist by Gov. Palin. In addition, plenty have called supporters of the bailout (including both Obama and McCain) Socialists.

According to Wikipedia Socialism refers to a broad set of economic theories of social organization advocating state or collective ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods, and the creation of an egalitarian society. Modern socialism originated in the late nineteenth-century working class political movement. Karl Marx posited that socialism would be achieved via class struggle and a proletarian revolution which represents the transitional stage between capitalism and communism.

Lot of words there. People tend to make an evil connection between socialism and communism – and anyone who saw Rocky IV knows how scary that can be.

Well, fear not and meet the REAL socialist party ticket. His name is Brian Moore (on the right) and he is the Socialist Party Presidential Candidate. His running mate (on the left) is Stewart Alexander. Brian appeared on the Colbert Report on Tuesday and was definitely a good sport. The lead up to his appearance was basically a bunch of media pundits and Gov. Palin calling Obama a socialist… followed up with the real socialist candidate.

I think there are some Socialist ideals that are well founded, and socialism has worked well in Scandanavian countries. I believe that the way it works is that everyone is given 6 meatballs and blonde hair, and nobody has to work. Still, I think the US is too big and diverse for it to function properly. Nevertheless, I think its important that major ideas like Socialism that have good intentions get a voice. So, Brian Moore, good luck getting 0.00000000000001% of the vote… I may not vote for you, but I like you’re style.

Obama is a Long-Legged Mac Daddy!

I love me some Obama, and I know that this video clip is dated… but I just can’t get enough of this ridiculous preacher. His name is James David Manning and he is chief pastor at the ATLAH World Missionary Church on 123rd Street in New York City. I think he’s crazy, and the way he says “OBAMA!” is distinctive enough that my man Howard Stern plays the audio clip of Manning saying “OBAMA!” every time the future President is mentioned on the show. Even though Manning has a M.A. and a PhD, he’s a complete idiot… still I can’t help but laugh as he refers to Obama Girl and then feel a little uncomfortable as he refers to Obama’s caucasian mother. My guess is that John McCain and Sarah Palin are contributors to the ATLAH World Missionary Church.