Washington D.C. – In a press conference attended by 103 major news media officials, including members of the White House Press Corps, the Associated Press and ESPN, when pressed into questioning about the current crisis in Japan President Obama immediately replied “I got Marquette going to the Final Four. Yeah, I like Marquette really coming on like a Tsunami from the East.” The nation’s highest ranking basketball fan followed up with presenting his Presidential Bracket.
The President continued, “I like that Jimmy Fredette kid at BYU, so got them coming out of the Southeast. Duke is a real power house, I like them coming out of the West. Oh, and Kansas, they are a real natural disaster, am I right? They are like a tidal wave of epic destruction… on the court. Wait, so what was your question?”
President Obama later named Dick Vitale to his cabinet as the official United States Federal Secretary of Yelling.
April 30, 1789 - Within 4 minutes of being sworn in as the 1st president George Washington abuses hispower as the leader of the free world by immediately appointing himself Vice-president, Secretary of State, Secretary of War, Ombudsman, Exchequer, Viscount, Duke of Awesomeness, & P-Dog Pimp of Pennsylvania Ave. The first in a long line of rich white men imbued with an exaggerated sense of omnipotence that would eventually extend to Mr. Obama…our first rich black man with an exaggerated sense of omnipotence.
August 22, 1805 – Thomas Jefferson becomes the first president to realize the non-gustatory benefit of “brown sugar”. He was known to remark “methinks that slave doth provide a posterior of adequate qualitie”
January 16, 1834 – In a moment of innovative exuberance but poor foresight, Martin Van Buren becomes the first president to have his face adorn coin currency. Unfortunately this involved literally pressing his face into a large disk of molten hot metal. Only one of these coins was ever minted.
April 4, 1841 – William Henry Harrison becomes the first president to die in office 30 days after his inauguration. Since early drafts of the constitution assumed that our omnipotent rich white men would live forever, a contingency plan was needed, but it took time. So, while relief president John Tyler was warming up in the bullpen, Harrison also became the first president to govern while dead.
March 4, 1861 – Abraham Lincoln becomes our first homosexual president…end of story.
October 12, 1879 – Rutherford B. Hayes became the first president to suggest that Martin Luther King’s Birthday be made a national holiday. Of course considering this was 50 years before King was actually born, people were not very receptive. Other ideas of his that were given only lukewarm reception: giving official statehood to the moon, mandatory naked Fridays at the office, and public funding for peanut butter flying saucer elephants.
March 4, 1893 – Grover Cleveland becomes the first president to serve a second non-consecutive term. Cleveland convinced the American people that he just needed to pick up a few items that he left behind from the first term. Postmaster General Wilson Bissell distinctly overheard Cleveland mumble “suckers” under his breath. But payback is a bitch, and we’ve immortalized Cleveland’s legacy by naming a grungy New Jersey Turnpike rest stop and a grotesque blue muppet after him.
1909 – 3 minutes after the Oval office was constructed William Howard Taft became the first president to violate an intern in the office with a common household object….it was a spatula embossed with the presidential seal and the quote “Hail to The Chef.” Interestingly, Taft also holds the presidential record for firsts. He was the first:
* To become a Supreme Court justice after his term in office
* To throw out the first ceremonial first pitch at a baseball game
* To eat the first ceremonial buffalo at a buffalo eating contest.
* To pat his head and rub his stomach simultaneously while violating an intern
* To envision a foreign dignitary’s head as a giant cartoon ham hock
1932 - Franklin Roosevelt is widely believed to be the first president bound to a wheelchair. This is a half truth. FDR was placed in a wheelchair as a shrewd political strategy to sway the coveted “Cripple Belt” of the Southeastern US during the 1932 election. In reality, FDR was a world class jumpist who double majored in kicking and deep knee bends in college.
January 1947 – Harry Truman delivers the first televised state of the union address. Initially apprehensive, Truman quickly warms up to the idea of being in front of the camera, and especially, warms up to the idea of being in make-up and becoming a “superstar”. Eventually he would be found prancing around the Rose Garden in full drag and posing for his millions of adoring fans. All the while shouting his famous lines, “The buck stops here…darling!” and “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen… because it’s murder on your skin!”
September 21, 1981 – In what political pundit William F. Buckley called “a truly Rutherford B. Hayesian maneuver”, Ronald Reagan appoints Sandra Day O’Connor as the first female Supreme Court justice. Although admired for his trailblazing choice of a woman to sit on the highest court in the land, Reagan later admitted that his choice was accidental, a result of hallucinations caused by excessive use of the hair dye red #2.
January, 1993 – “Slick Willy” Bill Clinton authorizes the use of the first Cabinet “Casting Couch” in order to score, in his words, some “righteous poon”. The endeavor is moderately successful with Janet Reno getting Attorney General, Donna Shalala landing Secretary of Health & Human Services, & Warren Christopher scooping up Secretary of State.
2000-2008 – George W. Bush became the first president to actually make America a less livable place than Botswana.
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