Adam Sandler has had several classic funny movies, but it all started with Billy Madison. The absurd humor of Billy Madison is what made it so special. After Billy Madison, came Happy Gilmore and then Adam Sandler blasted to the top with his silly comedies and silly/stupid humor. Billy Madison has a “no rules” type feel to it that makes every silly line seem surprising and unexpected… one of the keys to comedy. Here is a collection of the funniest lines from Billy Madison.
Juanita (the housekeeper): That boy is a fine piece of work… he’s a fine piece of ass though, too!
Shampoo is better, I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really. Stop looking at me, swan.
Suntan lotion is good for me. / You protect me, hee-hee-hee.
[after lighting bag of dog poop on fire and putting it on Old Man Clemens’ porch]
Billy Madison: Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit.
Frank: Shh, here he comes.
Old Man Clemens: Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it’s one of those flaming bags again.
Barbara: Don’t put it out with your boots, Ted.
Old Man Clemens: Don’t tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one’s outta control.
[Old Man Clemens steps on the bag, then lifts up his boot and smells]
Old Man Clemens: Eck, poop again.
Billy Madison: He called the shit “poop”.
[Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh hysterically]
Frank: This is the best night of my life.
[They continue laughing]
Old Man Clemens: I’ll get you damn kids for this. You’re all gonna die.
Brian Madison: You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?
Billy Madison: Oh no, you didn’t.
Brian Madison: Rock? “r-o-k”?
Billy Madison: Yea, so what’s your point?
Brian Madison: r-o-C-k!
Billy Madison: Ohh! The “C” is silent.
Brian Madison: You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes…
Billy Madison: Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank.
[Lifts his shirt to show “FRANK” written on the inside]
Brian Madison: Yea, well whatever, it’s all my fault. I made a mistake.
[Looks up to see Billy lifting his shirt]
Brian Madison: What? Are you some damned moron?
No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I’m here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.
Juanita: Ooh that boy’s a fine piece of work all right. He’s a fine piece of ass though, too.
Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made ’em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like ’em sloppy.
Billy Madison: Lady, you’re scaring us.
If peeing your pants is cool, then consider me Miles Davis.
Principal: Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple “wrong” would’ve done just fine.
Billy Madison: I swear to God I’m sick. I can’t go to school.
Juanita: If you’re gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison: Oh my God. I’ll go to school.
Veronica Vaughn: So what’s it like, being back in school?
Billy Madison: I don’t know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.
Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Carl: I’m sorry.
Eric: Well, “sorry” doesn’t put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl?
Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don’t like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn’t put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy’s gotta think ‘You got a pet. You got a responsibility.’ If your dog gets lost you don’t look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.
Bus Driver (Chris Farley): I’ll turn this damn bus around! That’ll end your precious field trip pretty damn quick huh! Little shit!
[makes crazy face while face gets red]
How ’bout you Sideburns? You want some of this milk?
Oh, gross… did you see that guys balls? Yeah… they were weird looking.
Eric: Is he going to have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?
Carl: You know, everyone’s having a good time but you.
[a little girl trying to reach into Eric’s suit jacket]
Eric: [pushing her away] Spoiled snot. Get outta here!
Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.
Scotty Logan: Mom, that’s Billy. He’s in my class. I heard he’s retarded or something.
Veronica Vaughn: Good morning, class.
Third Grade Class: Good morning, Miss Vaughan.
Veronica Vaughn: We’re going to start today by reading together a short story entitled “My Sister Fanny”.
[the class laughs]
Veronica Vaughn: Quiet. So let’s all open our “Reading Is Fun” books to page sixty nine.
Billy Madison: Sixty nine!
Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.
Billy Madison: No, you don’t.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her *got it on*. Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison: No, they didn’t.
Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn’t. But you could imagine what it’d be like if they did, right…? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.
Bus Driver: No yelling on the bus!