Katie Holmes created some recent buzz as Perez Hilton discovered that her discolored hands were likely the result of the Scientology Purification Rundown, a ritual that uses vitamin “bombs” and long periods of time in a sauna to cleanse the body of toxins. With more than 142 times the toxic level of the vitamins, the regimen can cause liver damage, hair loss, brain swelling, nausea, fatal heart and respiratory failure. Or in Katie’s case, make her hands look like her chewing gum just reached the third course of blueberry pie.
In an effort to understand what is happening to our poor young Katie, we decided to do a little research here at Buzz Pirates to get to the bottom of this whole Scientology thing. We have deconstructed Scientology to a number simple to understand points that sheds some light on how this ruthless organization sucks people in. Below each point is a translation for sane people.
Disclaimer: “research” for us doesn’t mean much so don’t take this article as a reliable resource. If you want to debate the merits of Scientology, go somewhere else. If you want a quick chuckle as we explain how WE think Scientology works, then please enjoy.
1. Scientology assumes that spirituality and thought is an energy called Theta, that exists in its own universe, separate and distinct from the physical universe.
Ok, so they call your “spirit” Theta, BFD.
2. A Thetan is an individual “thought unit” which interacts with the physical world through a vehicle, such as the human body. It is the core of personality or essence of oneself, distinct and separate from the physical body or the brain. As an immortal entity, the spirit/thetan lives on after body death and is born into a new physical body, again and again, lifetime after lifetime, in an endless cycle of birth and death.
So when you die, your spirit moves on. We’ve seen this before (heaven, hell, a grasshopper, Graceland are common destinations). Still nothing new…sorta.
3. All Thetans are immortal, all knowing, and possess God-like abilities.
We’ve all heard the afterlife is supposed to be cool. The bible says Heaven rocks. The Koran promises 70 Virgins. Apparently Scientologists get super God-like powers.
4. As a result of traumatic incidents extending back from the present life through a long series of “past lifetimes” hidden from conscious memory, the spirit/thetan has become trapped in the physical body and the physical universe.
So THAT’S why I can’t control space and time. Thank you for explaining that Scientology!
5. One traumatic experience shared by all earthlings is due to Xenu, the Dictator of the Galactic Confederacy (an extraterrestrial political unit consisting of 26 stars and 76 planets), who 75 million years ago, brought billions of his people to Earth and stacked them around volcanoes and killed them with hydrogen bombs.
WHAT?!?! Galactic Confederacy, as in aliens? Ok…I think we just took a left turn onto crazy street.
6. Through the practice of “Auditing”, with the assistance of an E-Meter, Scientologist can overcome these hidden traumas and be restored to the native state called “Operating Thetan” where one is free of attachments to the body and can consciously control matter, energy, space, time, thought, and life.
Telekinesis, time travel, immortality, energy sourcing. “You can be your very own super hero, just sign the dotted line…”
7. The path through all of the levels of auditing to reach these god-like abilities is the primary goal of a Scientologist. The process is called “The Bridge to Total Freedom.”
The total cost in fees and services for “the Bridge” is about $300,000 to $500,000. …and the con is revealed
8. Scientology has mastered the practice of brainwashing. They believe free thetans were brainwashed trillions of years ago, the consequences of which are still prevelant today in such things as the idea of Heaven. Ironically, it was the Church of Scientology that printed and distributed an actual manual for brainwashing for many years beginning in 1955. Those familiar with the early history of Scientology believe that founder L. Ron Hubbard actively sanctioned a brainwashing program for his followers, and was most likely the author of the manual.
Scientologists are brainwashed into thinking the rest of the world was brainwashed into thinking that we are mere mortals.
9. Scientology has grown into a powerful organization protected by a labyrinth of shell corporations and legal entities that controls hundreds of millions in property and assets.
Their legions of lawyers bring litigation against hordes infidels that cannot be brainwashed.
10. Their founder, L. Ron Hubbard, was a self confessed drug abusing author of science fiction fantasy.
“I’m going to invent a religion that’s going to make me a fortune. I’m tired of writing for a penny a word.” – L. Ron Hubbard, according to The Visual Encyclopedia of Science Fiction, ed. Brian Ash, Harmony Books, 1977.
Oh Katie, can’t you see that this is just a con to get your money? We expect this from Tom, but thought you were smarter than that. Please open your eyes!
This article was originally published by Buzz Pirates.