This just in, we officially and unequivocally endorse Vermin Supreme for President. You can send us our pony in the mail. Check this guy out… he’s the man!
Check out former Governor Jesse “The Body” Ventura in the movie The Running Man (starring Arnold Schwarzenegger). Anyway, as Captain Freedom, here is a commercial for his workout video. The end is my favorite as I think its funny that there’ would be a workout video in which he simply flexes, points and laughs.
Washington D.C. - In a move that shocked the entire political spectrum, President Obama announced his nomination to the Supreme Court today, an aborted transsexual fetus. The fetus, officially named “medical discharge compound, serial number 2382A-09” described itself as “honored,” “in constant pain” and “slightly moist.” Where the newly nominated fetus will fall on conservative/liberal views is anyone’s guess. Beltway insiders are agree its too soon to determine whether the decision to approve the nomination will be a “shameful and lonely back alley process” or a “quick and quiet one, best swept under the rug.”
This marks the first time an aborted transsexual fetus has been nominated to the country’s highest court. Although the aborted fetus has no prior judicial experience, it is believed to be more in touch with the common man than Justice Antonin Scalia. Regardless, this is a historic day for transsexual fetus’ everywhere. Quick to call the fetus their own, Republicans and Democrats alike, rallied to meet the press.
Howard Dean (D-VT) claimed that aborted fetus’ “had vision”, despite the thick layer of mucus still covering its non-fully formed eye sockets. “This is a proud moment in our history, aborted transsexual fetus’ have long been underrepresented in our nation’s highest offices,” commented Dean. “First, Obama’s nominates the country’s first Hispanic Supreme Court justice in Judge Sonia Sotomayor and BAM follows it up with another filibuster proof nomination….yeeeeaaaaaoooowwwwww!!!!!” Dean then finished his comments with several awkward celebratory hand gestures and yelling.
“This is an outrageous,” said conservative radio host and noted Oxycontin fan Rush Limbaugh. “The Jew run liberal media is going to let some faggy pile of mush tell me what to do!” When told that the aborted fetus was pro-life, due to its countless ailments brought on by its own abortion, Limbaugh then said he was actually talking about Judge Sonia Sotomayor. “I say Huzzah! to this tiny hero of the Supreme Court.”
I don’t think our Founding Fathers had this in mind…. Tea Bagging…
From the new “Tea Party” :
“In 1773, a handful of men dumped tea into the Boston Harbor. That one act set in motion a chain of events that birthed the greatest nation on earth. But today, many Americans feel helpless as they watch an imperialistic government destroy our Constitution and 237 years of liberty.
The first American Tea Party birthed a nation. The second American Tea Party could help save it!”
Started on CNBC, where someone in Chicago came up with an updated version of the Boston Tea Party to protest the Obama bailouts and stimulus plan. The protest was scheduled for today… tax day… a relatively inspired idea, right? “No taxation without representation” was the rallying cry of the original protesters, who through British tea overboard in Boston Harbor. But, my goodness, is there anyone involved with this party that never heard of the modern day use of “Tea bagging”. For that reason today the Tea Party has officially became famous for all the wrong reasons and conservative Republicans furthered their image as out of touch, old and clueless.
C’mon… who let these people go outside with those signs! I bet there’s like, 30,000 people nationwide with a Fantasy Football team or screen name of “tea bagger or tea bagging” or some such thing. There’s even a character on Prison Break named T-Bag. Do your homework people!
The Urban Dictionary must be lighting up… here are they’re definitions of tea bagging…
1. The act of putting your balls in and out of a persons mouth.
2. The act of lowering one’s balls onto someones face, or into their mouth while they are laying down. Kind of resembles dipping a tea bag into a hot cup of water.
3. When a guy lowers his junk, or balls, onto someones face, or into their mouth, while they are lying on the ground. Resembles dunking a tea bag into a hot cup of water.
Smile Tea Party… you tea bagging fools… you are Buzz Pirates Douche(s) of the Day
Turns out the Commander-in-Chief is more than African American, he’s also... Irish? Yep, apparently Barack Obama is 3.1 percent Irish. Irish Americans are waiting for Barack Obama to embrace his heritage: his great-great-great-grandfather Falmouth Kearney. Kearney was an Irish immigrant who came to America in 1850, from Moneygall, a small Irish village west of Dublin.
“God bless Falmouth Kearney, he married into good stock. It’s been a wonderfully pleasant surprise,” said American Ireland Fund President Kieran McLoughlin. “And now the main platform to showcase that [connection] occurs in about a week.”
What McLoughlin is no doubt referring to is St. Patrick’s Day. Its unlikely that Obama will be getting drunk on green beer… but will he take this opportunity to embrace his Irish roots. Its kind of an awkward situation for O’President, as he could offend the Irish by not acknowledging his roots…but then he could look silly if he gets to “schticky” with it. Either way, don’t be surprised if Irish Pub’s across the country try to cash in on the Obama is Irish craze.
Check out the Corrigan Brothers new song… “There’s No One as Irish as Barack O’Bama.”
You can also embrace the St. Patrick’s Day spirit and try to beat the recession by making your own beer…
Regardless of your political affiliation last night Barack Obama made history by becoming the first African American (and first minority for that matter) to be elected to the nations highest office. We’ve shown you the best picture of Obama ever and and shown you video of some crazy preacher talking about the President Elect. Today we are going to class it up a bit…
To celebrate Barry’s historical achievement (and with a little help from www.infoplease.com, here are several other notable African American Firsts:
• Local elected official: John Mercer Langston, 1855, town clerk of Brownhelm Township, Ohio.
• State elected official: Alexander Lucius Twilight, 1836, the Vermont legislature.
• Mayor of major city: Carl Stokes, Cleveland, Ohio, 1967-1971. The first black woman to serve as a mayor of a major U.S. city was Sharon Pratt Dixon Kelly, Washington, DC, 1991-1995.
• Governor (appointed): P.B.S. Pinchback served as governor of Louisiana from Dec. 9, 1872-Jan. 13, 1873, during impeachment proceedings against the elected governor.
• Governor (elected): L. Douglas Wilder, Virginia, 1990-1994. The only other elected black governor has been Deval Patrick, Massachusetts, 2007-
• U.S. Representative: Joseph Rainey became a Congressman from South Carolina in 1870 and was reelected four more times. The first black female U.S. Representative was Shirley Chisholm, Congresswoman from New York, 1969-1983.
• U.S. Senator: Hiram Revels became Senator from Mississippi from Feb. 25, 1870, to March 4, 1871, during Reconstruction. Edward Brooke became the first African-American Senator since Reconstruction, 1966-1979. Carol Mosely Braun became the first black woman Senator serving from 1992-1998 for the state of Illinois. (There have only been a total of five black senators in U.S. history: the remaining two are Blanche K. Bruce [1875-1881] and Barack Obama (2005- ).
• U.S. cabinet member: Robert C. Weaver, 1966-1968, Secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development under Lyndon Johnson; the first black female cabinet minister was Patricia Harris, 1977, Secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development under Jimmy Carter.
• U.S. Secretary of State: Gen. Colin Powell, 2001-2004. The first black female Secretary of State was Condoleezza Rice, 2005-.
• Federal Judge: William Henry Hastie, 1946; Constance Baker Motley became the first black woman federal judge, 1966.
• U.S. Supreme Court Justice: Thurgood Marshall, 1967-1991. Clarence Thomas became the second African American to serve on the Court in 1991.
African-American Firsts: Scholarship
• College graduate (B.A.): Alexander Lucius Twilight, 1823, Middlebury College; first black woman to receive a B.A. degree: Mary Jane Patterson, 1862, Oberlin College.
• Ph.D.: Edward A. Bouchet, 1876, received a Ph.D. from Yale University. In 1921, three individuals became the first U.S. black women to earn Ph.D.s: Georgiana Simpson, University of Chicago; Sadie Tanner Mossell Alexander, University of Pennsylvania; and Eva Beatrice Dykes, Radcliffe College.
• Rhodes Scholar: Alain L. Locke, 1907.
• College president: Daniel A. Payne, 1856, Wilberforce University, Ohio.
• Ive League President: Ruth Simmons, 2001, Brown University.
Music, TV and Film
• Male Grammy Award winner: Count Basie, 1958.
• Female Grammy Award winner: Ella Fitzgerald, 1958.
• First Oscar: Hattie McDaniel, 1940, supporting actress, Gone with the Wind.
• Oscar, Best Actor/Actress: Sidney Poitier, 1963, Lilies of the Field; Halle Berry, 2001, Monster’s Ball.
• Oscar, Best Actress Nominee: Dorothy Dandridge, 1954, Carmen Jones.
• Network television show host: Nat King Cole, 1956, “The Nat King Cole Show”; Oprah Winfrey became the first black woman television host in 1986, “The Oprah Winfrey Show.”
• Star of a network television show: Bill Cosby, 1965, “I Spy”.
• Major league baseball player: Jackie Robinson, 1947, Brooklyn Dodgers.
• Elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame: Jackie Robinson, 1962.
• NFL quarterback: Willie Thrower, 1953.
• NFL football coach: Fritz Pollard, 1922-1937.
• Golf champion: Tiger Woods, 1997, won the Masters golf tournament.
• NHL hockey player: Willie O’Ree, 1958, Boston Bruins.1
• Heavyweight boxing champion: Jack Johnson, 1908.
Other African-American Firsts
• Licensed Pilot: Bessie Coleman, 1921.
• Millionaire: Madame C. J. Walker.
• Billionaire: Robert Johnson, 2001, owner of Black Entertainment Television; Oprah Winfrey, 2003.
• Portrayal on a postage stamp: Booker T. Washington, 1940 (and also 1956).
• Miss America: Vanessa Williams, 1984, representing New York. When controversial photos surfaced and Williams resigned, Suzette Charles, the runner-up and also an African American, assumed the title. She represented New Jersey. Three additional African Americans have been Miss Americas: Debbye Turner (1990), Marjorie Vincent (1991), and Kimberly Aiken (1994).
• Explorer, North Pole: Matthew A. Henson, 1909, accompanied Robert E. Peary on the first successful U.S. expedition to the North Pole.
• Explorer, South Pole: George Gibbs, 1939-1941 accompanied Richard Byrd.
• Flight around the world: Barrington Irving, 2007, from Miami Gardens, Florida, flew a Columbia 400 plane named Inspiration around the world in 96 days, 150 hours (March 23-June 27).
• First astronaut: Robert H. Lawrence, Jr., 1967, was the first black astronaut, but he died in a plane crash during a training flight and never made it into space. Guion Bluford, 1983, became the first black astronaut to travel in space; Mae Jemison, 1992, became the first black female astronaut. Frederick D. Gregory, 1998, was the first African-American shuttle commander.
Sarah Palin showed up on Saturday Night Live this weekend. The MILF’s guest spot to open the show was heavily hyped all week. I’ve always liked or at least liked complaining about how good or bad SNL has been for the last several years. Like it or not, its a show that I hope stays on the air forever. Still, I’ve got to be honest and say that I believe they are relying on this Sarah Palin impression by Tina Fey way too much… they should focus more on the show as a whole… generate their own buzz so to speak.
With the 3rd debate between John McCain and Barack Obama tonight, it is important to note that we are only a few short months away of ridding the country of George Bush forever. In addition, Oliver Stone’s “W” comes out this week in which Josh Brolin will be doing his best Bush imitation in what is sure to be a provocative movie from one of Hollywood’s most talented directors. If you still think Bush has done a good job, maybe you should open a newspaper or turn on a television… still don’t believe me? Well, then why not take a peak at his 20 best quotes…. There will be no “four score and seven years ago,” no “what can my country do for you”, not even a “read my lips” or at least a “I did not have sexual relations.” Enjoy!
20. “I’m going to try to see if I can remember as much to make it sound like I’m smart on the subject.” -, answering a question about a possible flu pandemic, Cleveland, July 10, 2007
19. “We’ve got a lot of relations with countries in our neighborhood.” – Kranj, Slovenia, June 10, 2008
18. “Should the Iranian regime-do they have the sovereign right to have civilian nuclear power? So, like, if I were you, that’s what I’d ask me. And the answer is, yes, they do.” -talking to reporters in Washington, D.C., July 2, 2008
17. “I think it was in the Rose Garden where I issued this brilliant statement: If I had a magic wand — but the president doesn’t have a magic wand. You just can’t say, ‘low gas.'” – Washington D.C., July 15, 2008
16. “Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people.” -Charlottesville, Va., July 4, 2008
15. “There’s no question about it. Wall Street got drunk — that’s one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras — it got drunk and now it’s got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments.” – speaking at a private fundraiser, Houston, Texas, July 18, 2008
14. “Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.” -LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
13. “I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.” -Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000
12. “I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that we’re going to have a draft.” -second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004
11. “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” -Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000
10. “You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn’t it? I mean, that is fantastic that you’re doing that.” -to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005
8. “They misunderestimated me.” -Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
7. “So long as I’m the president, my measure of success is victory — and success.” – on Iraq, Washington, D.C., April 17, 2008
6. “The question is, who ought to make that decision? The Congress or the commanders? And as you know, my position is clear — I’m a commander guy.” -Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007
5. “I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.” – Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008
3. “Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?” -Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
2. “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” -Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
1. “There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.” -Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
This blog is normally about making fun of the news. Every once in a while though, something tragic happens that we just cannot ignore. I don’t normally mix my politics with my blogging. I have two blogs – one that is about blogging and one that is about humor. None are about politics. Yet, I would be remiss if I did not pay homage to a man that has kept us informed about the political battle ground through thick and thin. Tim Russert, the host of NBC’s Meet The Press passed away today from an unenexpected heart attack. He was 58.
I’ll let you in on a little secret…I travel a lot between New York and Washington D.C. And I have bumped into Tim a few times. I have been to Washington Nationals Baseball games and have seen Tim in the third row behind home plate cheering for his non-Buffalo, Washington DC baseball team. Tim was a guy you could not help but to like. Left wing or right wing – Tim was the real deal, and you respected him either way. He will surely be missed.