President Obama Nominates Aborted Transsexual Fetus to Supreme Court

Washington D.C. – In a move that shocked the entire political spectrum, President Obama announced his nomination to the Supreme Court today, an aborted transsexual fetus. The fetus, offici2009_us_supreme_court-alterted1ally named “medical discharge compound, serial number 2382A-09” described itself as “honored,” “in constant pain” and “slightly moist.” Where the newly nominated fetus will fall on conservative/liberal views is anyone’s guess. Beltway insiders are agree its too soon to determine whether the decision to approve the nomination will be a “shameful and lonely back alley process” or a “quick and quiet one, best swept under the rug.”

This marks the first time an aborted transsexual fetus has been nominated to the country’s highest court. Although the aborted fetus has no prior judicial experience, it is believed to be more in touch with the common man than Justice Antonin Scalia. Regardless, this is a historic day for transsexual fetus’ everywhere. Quick to call the fetus their own, Republicans and Democrats alike, rallied to meet the press.

Howard Dean (D-VT) claimed that aborted fetus’ “had vision”, despite the thick layer of mucus still covering itscongressional-hearing-altered non-fully formed eye sockets. “This is a proud moment in our history, aborted transsexual fetus’ have long been underrepresented in our nation’s highest offices,” commented Dean. “First, Obama’s nominates the country’s first Hispanic Supreme Court justice in Judge Sonia Sotomayor and BAM follows it up with another filibuster proof nomination….yeeeeaaaaaoooowwwwww!!!!!” Dean then finished his comments with several awkward celebratory hand gestures and yelling.

“This is an outrageous,” said conservative radio host and noted Oxycontin fan Rush Limbaugh. “The Jew run liberal media is going to let some faggy pile of mush tell me what to do!” When told that the aborted fetus was pro-life, due to its countless ailments brought on by its own abortion, Limbaugh then said he was actually talking about Judge Sonia Sotomayor. “I say Huzzah! to this tiny hero of the Supreme Court.”handshake-altered

One Day in the Court Parking Lot… Terrible Personalized License Plates

In my opinion 90% of vanity plates are stupid and cheesy (and that stat might be forgiving). I saw these three in the Superior Court parking lot recently… true story. What a bunch of douches.

Proud member of the bar:


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Proud home wrecker:


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King Creativity:

Picture Heather Graham – Celebrity Profile

Heather Graham is super hot Hollywood blond whose still got it. With those big eyes, its like she never ages, and she’s been around longer then you’d think. Maybe its her reported dabbling with witchcraft and spells that’s given Heather staying power. Heather Graham made a huge splash baring all as Rollergirl in Boogie Nights, but has been wowing male audiences for over 20 years all the way back to License to Drive. She proved her acting chops early in Drugstore Cowboys and has done well in comedies like Bowfinger and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. She’s got model looks and still making good in comedies by playing an escort in the upcoming (Buzz Pirates endorsed) movie The Hangover.

Famous Relationships: artist Chris Doyle, musicians Jason Falkner and Adam Ant, and actors James Woods (met on set of Diggstown), Kyle MacLachlan, Elias Koteas, Heath Ledger, Elijah Blue, and Edward Burns.

Bio: The oldest of two children, her younger sister, Aimee Graham, is also an actress and writer. Their mother, Joan, is a teacher and noted author of children’s books, and father, James Graham, a retired FBI agent. Born January 29, 1970…find me a hotter 39 year old.

Got the Performance Bug Early: In 1986, she appeared on a special “Teen Week” episode of the NBC-TV game show Scrabble. Her parents were not big fans of her career choice but were supportive driving her to early auditions for 80’s TV show Growing Pains.

Selected Filmography:

  • Baby on Board (2009) Angela
  • Ex-terminators (2009)Alex
  • The Hangover (2009)Jade
  • Mary (2008) Elizabeth Younger
  • Miss Conception (2008) Georgina Scott
  • Adrift in Manhattan (2007) Rose Phipps
  • Broken (2007) Hope
  • Gray Matters (2007)Gray Baldwin
  • A West Texas Children s Story (2007) Cassie s Aunt
  • Bobby (2006) Angela
  • The Oh in Ohio (2006) Justine
  • Cake (2005)
  • Blessed (2004)
  • Anger Management (2003)
  • Killing Me Softly (2002)
  • Hope Springs (2003) Mandy
  • The Guru (2003) Sharrona
  • From Hell (2001) Mary Kelly
  • Say It Isn t So (2001)Josephine Wingfield
  • Sidewalks of New York (2001) Annie
  • Committed (2000) Joline
  • Austin Powers: the Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) Felicity Shagwell
  • Bowfinger (1999) Daisy
  • Alien Love Triangle (1998) Elizabeth
  • Lost in Space (1998) Judy Robinson
  • Two Girls and A Guy (1998) Carla
  • Boogie Nights (1997) Rollergirl
  • Nowhere (1997) Lilith
  • Scream 2 (1997) Casey in Stab
  • Entertaining Angels: The Dorothy Day Story (1996) Maggie
  • Swingers (1996) Lorraine
  • Desert Winds (1995) Jackie
  • Run For Cover (1995)
  • Toughguy (1995) Olive
  • Don’t Do It (1994) Suzanna
  • Even Cowgirls Get the Blues (1994) Cowgirl Heather
  • Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle (1994) Mary Kennedy Taylor
  • Six Degrees of Separation (1993) Elizabeth
  • The Ballad of Little Jo (1993) Mary Addie
  • Diggstown (1992) Emily Forrester
  • Guilty as Charged (1992) Kimberly
  • Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (1992) Annie Blackburn
  • Shout (1991) Sara Benedict
  • I Love You to Death (1990) Bridget
  • Drugstore Cowboy (1989) Nadine
  • License to Drive (1988) Mercedes

Pregnant Hooters Girl Will Soon Deliver Chicken Wings, Baby

This is not a fake Buzz Pirates news story…this is a live account of a pregnant waitress I saw at  Hooters on Thursday night. I will not name the specific Hooters to protect the innocent(ish). Let’s just say its in a sinful city that you wouldn’t be surprised seeing a pregnant Hooters girl in.

Sign ‘o the times? Bad luck? I don’t know, but the 2 or 30 times I’ve been to Hooters, I was expecting a young, hot thing… not a pregnant chick! C’mon man, its depressing, uncomfortable and an awkward situation for all involved. I mean, if you are the chick, you were already working at Hooters, that’s your job, you can’t just quit because you have a bun in the oven. If you are the management at the Hooters you can’t just fire the girl…that’s not right. Still, people coming to Hooters are expecting cute little girls in cute little outfits…right? Got a bunch of pregnant chicks running around, sales will go in the toilet…and the manager is looking for a new job. Hooters is a place to eat wings and see some T&A, not somewhere to either A. feel bad for the staff or B. get off on some sort of weird fetish. A conundrum if there ever was one.

And if you are a patron, what do you do when you find out you’ve got the pregnant chick? Only the douchebagiest of guests will ask for a non preggers chick, even though all who enter Hooters’ hallowed doors expect, and quite frankly deserve a waitress who’s not with child.

In the guy world, here’s how it goes down at pretty much every table that this chick waits on: (for the purposes of this equation, we will assume 4 guys at the table).

Pregnant Hooters girl comes over, guys uncomfortably say hi, she takes drink order and walks away…

Guy 1: “Dude, what the fuck is up with that? A pregnant Hooters chick, what the hell?”

Guy 2: “Dude, I’d totally still hit it”

Guy 3: “Ehhh, that’s fucked, up. She’s fucking pregnant”

Guy 2: “Duuuude, whatever, she’s totally still hot, and her tits are fucking huuuge from being all preggers and shit”

Guy 3: “Guy 2, you are gross…you’d have sex with a pregnant chick? What if she’s all lactating and whatnot.”

Guy 2: “Whatever, you mean to tell me that if you were married, and your wife got pregnant, you wouldn’t have sex with her for 9 months? You’re totally full of shit”

Guy 3: “That’s 100% different”

Guy 2: “Guy 3, you are total pussy! Guy 4, you are with me, right? She’s totally still hot!”

Guy 3: “Whatever, bro, I know Guy 1 is with me…”

And so the debate would begin… much like it does every night this particular Hooters girl works. If you ask me, I’d feel gypped having gotten the pregnant Hooters girl. Still, at Buzz Pirates we don’t lie… we’d still hit it!

Swine Flu (H1N1 Influenza) Has a Long Way to Go – The Worst 10 Pandemics in History

The whole world is preparing for the potential pandemic of Swine Flu (now called H1N1 Influenza). Still, as we see people in surgical masks on the news this virus is still in the early stages. Hopefully a vaccine will come out soon and Swine Flu will be forgotten in a couple of years. I’m buying a case of hand sanitizer. Either way, its got a long way to go to catch up to our 10 Worst Pandemics in history.

10. Leprosy (600 BC – today):
Between 2 and 3 million are permanently disabled worldwide due to Leprosy. Leprosy is a bacterial infection that affects the skin, peripheral nerves in the hands and feet, and mucous membranes of the nose, throat, and eyes. Destruction of the nerve endings of those areas causes a loss in sensation. Deformities that are typically associated with the disease, which led to colonies and isolation of those effected with the disease.

9. Typhus (430 BC? – today):
Killed 3 million people between 1918 and 1922 alone. Group of infectious diseases transmitted by lice or fleas. Its highly contagious, and classically effected those in tight, unclean quarters like prisons or concentration camps. Today, typhus is easily cured with antibiotics.

8. Cholera (1817 – today):
8 pandemics; hundreds of thousands killed worldwide. Cholera is spread by eating food or drinking water that has been contaminated with cholera bacteria. Contamination usually occurs when human feces from a person who has the disease seeps into a community water supply. The disease is characterized by a watery diarrhea. Its pretty much been eliminated in the United States but continues to be a problem in 3rd world countries.

7. Tuberculosis (1882 – today):
Annually, 8 million people become ill with tuberculosis, and 2 million people die from the disease worldwide. Tuberculosis (TB) is a potentially fatal contagious disease that can affect almost any part of the body but is mainly an infection of the lungs. It used to be called consumption.

6. Measles (160 AD ? – today):
Estimated to have killed about 200 million people over the last 150 years. Measles is a very contagious infection that causes a rash all over the body. It is also called rubeola or red measles. It is very rare in the United States because most children get the vaccine as part of their regular childhood shots.

5. AIDS (1981 – today):

Over 2 million people worldwide die each year from AIDS and over 32 million people are currently living with HIV. Acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) is an infectious disease caused by the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). It was first recognized in the United States in 1981. AIDS is the advanced form of infection with the HIV virus. It has caused one of the biggest health concerns of the last 100 years. HIV is transmitted through direct contact of a mucous membrane or the bloodstream with a bodily fluid containing HIV, such as blood, semen, vaginal fluid, preseminal fluid, and breast milk.

4. Malaria (1600 – today):
Kills about 2 million people per year. Malaria is a serious disease that causes a high fever and chills. You can get it from a bite by an infected mosquito. Malaria is rare in the United States, much is a major problem in Africa, South America, Central America and Central Asia. There is no vaccine, but the drugs used to treat malaria are often too expensive for people in the poor and most effected countries.

3. Black Death (bubonic plague) (1340 – 1771):
Killed 75 million people worldwide. Killing off approximately 20% of the world’s population, the Black death did worldwide damage. It is commonly believed to be an outbreak of bubonic plague that was pandemic throughout Europe and much of Asia in the 14th century. The disease was probably spread through rats, but most religious nutcases felt it was better to kill off non-Christian cultural groups believed to be responsible.

2. Spanish Flu (1918 – 1919):
Killed 50 to 100 million people worldwide in less than 2 years. The 1918 flu pandemic (commonly referred to as the Spanish flu) was an flue that spread all over the world. It was caused by an strong and deadly Influenza A virus strain of subtype H1N1 – similar to today’s Swine Flu.

1. Smallpox (430 BC? – 1979):
Killed more than 300 million people worldwide in the 20th century alone, and most of the native inhabitants of the Americas. Throughout history, smallpox has been a greatly feared disease, and the cause of great suffering and massive numbers of deaths. In the early 1980’s, the World Health Organization announced that vaccination had led to the complete eradication of the virus, with the exception of samples of stored virus in two laboratories (I’d imagine the beginning of some Tom Clancy book happens in one of those labs).

The Top 10 Public Bathrooms – A Practical Survival Guide

Everybody poops. When you gotta go you gotta go. Pardon me while I freshen up. Yo, I gotta drop a deuce. Whatever your lingo, going to the bathroom in public can be a stressful experience, beset with difficulty locating a clean and accessible toilet. Obviously there is no place like home (or at least a place you know and trust). When you are out in public, though, we all know how disgusting rest stops, gas stations, restaurants, sporting events, movie theatres(the wooooorst), malls and countless other public bathrooms can be. This is where Buzz Pirates’ Practical Survival Guide comes in. We look at the places that we think are the best for you to go when you are on the go. Some of the choices are obvious, but some are bathroom choices you may not have realized were simple and available. Happy pooping!

Our top ten has been scored based on three primary categories:

Stress: Chance of being bothered in or en route, sneakiness required

Accessibility: Ease of finding initial place, ease of finding bathroom once inside location

Cleanliness: Self-explanatory  

10. Museum – Hey, why not? Original right? Well, a museum is quiet, clean and with routine upkeep its likely that you’ll find a nice clean bathroom. Although its possible that it could be an older style bathroom that never seems totally clean. Problems arise in many bigger museums which require an entrance fee or suggested donations or tiny museums with little to no upkeep. Also, the overall availability of museums is limited, finding one might be a matter of luck in a town/city you are not familiar with. We suggest something medium or smaller in size to minimize dealing with employees. Stress – 6; Access – 2; Cleanliness – 6. SCORE – 14

9. Restaurant – Ever run into a restaurant just to use the bathroom? Of course you have! There’s not shortage of them around, but the key is to avoid fast food places (filthy restrooms) or low volume/fancy restaurants (too much of a chance of staff budding in).  Overall its an ok, if not inspired choice… and the problem is that even the nicest restaurants can still have gross bathrooms. (Just ask Britney Spears – that’s her leaving a Quiznos bathroom). Stress – 4; Access – 10; Cleanliness – 2. SCORE – 16

8. Bank – This is a difficult one, but still good. The bathrooms are low traffic and more importantly kept clean. This is due to the fact that banks are big on customer service these days when it comes to simple things. Problem is, that customer service means that in most banks someone will bother you before you can sneak into the bathroom. The best bet in these situations is pick a big bank with easier maneuverability or bite the bullet and simply ask an overzealous manager where the toilet is. Stress – 2; Access – 9; Cleanliness – 6. SCORE – 17

7. Coffee Shop – Its easy to walk into your local coffee shop, Dunkin’ Donuts or Starbucks and make a B-line for the bathroom without being hassled. Plus with little food, the bathrooms should be relatively clear of too much mess and regularly kept up. Stress – 8; Access – 9; Cleanliness – 2. SCORE – 19

6. School – Obviously Buzz Pirates does not advocate walking into strange grade schools and using the bathroom…that’s just creepy. No, look for a college…any college, doesn’t matter if its Harvard, your local tech college or community college. Finding the bathroom on school grounds may take a little longer then you like. Still, find anywhere large enough that you can walk around a little bit without presenting a school ID and your set. Go School! Stress – 7; Access – 6; Cleanliness – 7. SCORE – 20

5. Municipal Building (Townhall/Court) – I know, the thought of it seems a little nerve racking. Who’d think to go to a municipal building just to go to the bathroom. But, with very traffic in most municipal buildings and people tending to mind their own business, if you just quickly get in and get out you should be fine. The stress level might be slightly higher here, but its a great option. Maybe you’ll get a peak into traffic court if your lucky… if not, there must be some good reading material, like a pamphlet on local events, joining the municipal pool or a schedule of trash pick up…enjoy. Stress – 4; Access – 9; Cleanliness – 8. SCORE – 21

4. Department Store – Whether you are talking about Macy’s, Nordstrom’s or any other classic mall department store or a big box discount store like Target, Best Buy or Walmart. In the mall its a cleaner, less busy option then the regular public bathroom. Free standing huge discount stores are everywhere. Best of all department stores are relatively well maintained, easy to find the bathroom and no one working there would even notice if you came in just to use the facilities. Stress – 9; Access – 8; Cleanliness – 5. SCORE – 22

3. Bookstore/Library – Quiet, clean, no one will bother you and all the reading material you could ever want. This would be the top choice if this option was more assessable in a pinch. I’m a huge fan of the Barnes and Nobles option. Stress – 9; Access – 6; Cleanliness – 9. SCORE – 23

2. Office Building – Regularly cleaned, plentiful and endless in supply all over the country, office buildings are a super strong choice. The only possible problem I can see is a doorman. Our insiders have also reported an increase in number code or key locked bathrooms, but the unlocked, clean, well stocked oasis exists in your town and in Everytown…we guarantee it. Stress – 6; Access – 8; Cleanliness – 10. SCORE – 24

1. Hotel – Now, its got to be a nice hotel, at the very least a hotel with a lobby. The common area bathrooms are cleaned just as much as theprivate room bathrooms, and they are less likely to be used for anything too intimate or anything bound to create a mess. The larger the hotel the better. Hopefully you aren’t immediately confronted upon entry by a front desk, bellhop or other staff member, but if you are chances are they will bend over backwards to help you out. Any hotel lobby or main floor should have a bathroom, plus hotels are easy to find everywhere. Play your cards right and you might even get a bathroom attendant – which I hate in restaurants and bars, but in a hotel it can be sorta classy – and you get free stuff! You might be slightly nervous walking into a hotel that you have no business in and it might help to be dressed nice, but have confidence and you will see why a Hotel is our number 1 place to use a bathroom in public. Stress – 7; Access – 9; Cleanliness – 10. SCORE – 26

The Origins of 420 and Earth Day

Pot LeafToday is 4/20. Remove the slash and you’ve got a term more important to stoners than any other combination of characters in the english language. For those of you who are pot-illiterate, “420” is a term used to describe the consumption (or should I say inhalation) of marijuana.

It is often used as a code word to mask discussions of weed from the oblivious. For example, if the term “420-Friendly” appears on an ad for a college roommate, that translates to “I am looking for a roommate who smokes pot.” If a gym teacher overhears a high school punk whisper “dude…is it 420 yet?” to his loser friend, that translates to “Hi friend…are you ready to go get high in the bathroom?”.

Louis PasteurThere are many rumors surrounding the origins of 420. Some people claim it is the police code in many cities for crimes related to marijuana. Others state that back in the late seventies, the Grateful Dead would always play at 4:30. The fans would therefore meet at 4:20 to “prepare”. In reality, the term 420 was coined by a group of teenagers at San Rafael High School in California who used to meet at the statue of Louis Pasteur everyday at 4:20 pm to get high. Somehow it spread across the country.

Ironically, 4/20 as in the date April 20th, also signifies the start of Earth Week. It just goes to show you that the only people that care about preserving Mother Earth is a bunch of pot smoking hippies. I’m sorry folks, but sitting in a circle and playing hacky sack is not going to save this planet.

Hacky Sack

Tea Baggers! Buzz Pirates Douche(s) of the Day

I don’t think our Founding Fathers had this in mind…. Tea Bagging…

From the new “Tea Party” :

“In 1773, a handful of men dumped tea into the Boston Harbor. That one act set in motion a chain of events that birthed the greatest nation on earth. But today, many Americans feel helpless as they watch an imperialistic government destroy our Constitution and 237 years of liberty.

The first American Tea Party birthed a nation. The second American Tea Party could help save it!”

Started on CNBC, where someone in Chicago came up with an updated version of the Boston Tea Party to protest the Obama bailouts and stimulus plan. The protest was scheduled for today… tax day… a relatively inspired idea, right? “No taxation without representation” was the rallying cry of the original protesters, who through British tea overboard in Boston Harbor. But, my goodness, is there anyone involved with this party that never heard of the modern day use of “Tea bagging”. For that reason today the Tea Party has officially became famous for all the wrong reasons and conservative Republicans furthered their image as out of touch, old and clueless.

C’mon… who let these people go outside with those signs! I bet there’s liuntitledke, 30,000 people nationwide with a Fantasy Football team or screen name of “tea bagger or tea bagging” or some such thing. There’s even a character on Prison Break named T-Bag. Do your homework people!

The Urban Dictionary must be lighting up… here are they’re definitions of tea bagging…

1. The act of putting your balls in and out of a persons mouth.
2. The act of lowering one’s balls onto someones face, or into their mouth while they are laying down. Kind of resembles dipping a tea bag into a hot cup of water.
3. When a guy lowers his junk, or balls, onto someones face, or into their mouth, while they are lying on the ground. Resembles dunking a tea bag into a hot cup of water.

Smile Tea Party… you tea bagging fools… you are Buzz Pirates Douche(s) of the Day

St. Patrick’s Day is Coming and There’s No One as Irish as Barack O’Bama

Turns out the Commander-in-Chief is more than African American, he’s also... Irish? Yep, apparently Barack Obama is 3.1 percent Irish. Irish Americans are waiting for Barack Obama to embrace his heritage: his great-great-great-grandfather Falmouth Kearney. Kearney was an Irish immigrant who came to America in 1850, from Moneygall, a small Irish village west of Dublin.

“God bless Falmouth Kearney, he married into good stock. It’s been a wonderfully pleasant surprise,” said American Ireland Fund President Kieran McLoughlin. “And now the main platform to showcase that [connection] occurs in about a week.”

What McLoughlin is no doubt referring to is St. Patrick’s Day. Its unlikely that Obama will be getting drunk on green beer… but will he take this opportunity to embrace his Irish roots. Its kind of an awkward situation for O’President, as he could offend the Irish by not acknowledging his roots…but then he could look silly if he gets to “schticky” with it. Either way, don’t be surprised if Irish Pub’s across the country try to cash in on the Obama is Irish craze.

Check out the Corrigan Brothers new song… “There’s No One as Irish as Barack O’Bama.”

You can also embrace the St. Patrick’s Day spirit and try to beat the recession by making your own beer…

Save 20% on Microbrewery Kits with coupon 'GREEN'.

Is America Ready for the Pizza Cone?

Is pizza fast food? Well, whether it is, or it isn’t, pizza is getting a makeover with the introduction of the pizza cone.pizza_cone Take some pizza dough,  shape it like an ice cream cone, through some cheese, sauce and toppings in that cone… and bam! Pizza cone. Its the spill free alternative to…ummm…. pizza? It seems like a good idea for the mall crowd… but will it take?

It’s already a hit in some European countries as well as Japan and Korea. Will the US go cone crazy or is this just some sort of Dippin’ Dots fake out.

Remember the names Crispy Cones and Konopizza, as these are the two restaurants that are setting out to reinvent the way we eat pizza. Wisely, both restaurants will feature more then just pizza cone. There will be several other menu options. Here is the Crispy Cone menu that they are fixin’ up:cone_2

Pizza Cones:

  • Margharita pizzacone
  • Pepperoni pizzacone
  • Supreme pizzacone

BBQ Chicone (Chicken)
Chicone Teriyaki
Chicone Curry
Porcone (Pork)
Chicone Quesadilla
Veggiecone
Pestocone
Delicone
Meatballscone

Egg cones:

  • Ham & Eggs
  • Bacon & Eggs
  • Western Eggs
  • Huevos Rancheros
  • Eggs & Cheese

Sweet Cones :

  • Apple cone
  • Smorescone

Salads

  • Classic Caesar Salad
  • Asian Chicken Salad
  • House Salad