Greatest Craigslist Ad Ever Written

Craigslist Peace
The following is an actual ad written on Craiglist on July 22, 2008. It is the best ad we’ve ever seen so we thought we’d share it with the world.

Manly Bike for Sale

What kind of bike? I don’t know, I’m not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you’re way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan’s mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying “FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME”.

The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that’s bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you’re going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re probably a dickless lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you’re going to love this thing because it doesn’t try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I’ve topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you’re just a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 – Sissy Gear
Gear 2 – Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 – Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 – Boy Gear
Gear 5 – Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 – Manly Gear
Gear 7 – Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull’s testicles and tells people you don’t fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves “Hey asshole, touch this bike and I’ll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four”.

Bike is for 150 OBO (and don’t give me no panzy prices)

Google Chrome’s Path to World Domination

Windows Terminator

Google Chrome, the new web browser released last week from the monster search engine company is being touted as the “Windows Killer“. So far, it is available for Windows machines only, being Google’s giant “F-U” to Microsoft.

Since so many people are convinced Google Chrome is going to change the world, we decided to roll up our sleeves and do a little “research” ourselves. We jumped into the Buzz Pirates time machine to take a look at the 10 Ways Google Chrome Will Change the World…Buzz Pirates style…

Linday Loham saved by Google Chrome
09/05/2008 – Shortly after its release, Google Chrome immediately goes to work making the world a better place. Its first priority…slapping Lindsay Lohan into shape. Thanks to GC, Linds never touches another drop of alcohol ever again and goes on to enjoy a celebrated acting career. She eventually scores the gluttonous gig of “Feed the Children” spokeswoman, taking over for Sally Struthers who finally dies of obesity. Unfortunately, within 2 months, Lindsay reaches a whopping 320lbs.

09/15/2008 – Thanks to its ease of use and handy “Internets” button, grandmas all over the world are finally able to send emails and instant messages using the computer-majig and the cell phone machine. In fact, Google Chrome proves so helpful that when old people fall, they are able to get up.
Google Chrome Life Alert

10/05/2008 – With Chrome’s increasing popularity, it catches the eye of the most popular woman of the time – Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin. In a matter of weeks, the two become smitten. Risking permanent damage to her image and political career, Sarah ditches her loser husband and shacks up with Chrome. The world thought it would be professional suicide, but it had the opposite effect. The two quickly become America’s Sweethearts. Popularity for Chrome skyrockets as it becomes the only other thing besides Todd Palin to see Sarah Palin naked.
Sarah Palin Chrome

Valentino (aka Mr. Tan)
10/21/2008 – With a powerful woman at its side, Google Chrome decides that second in command is not good enough. Sarah declines her nomination for Vice President and Google Chrome is selected as the Independent Party’s nominee for President of the United States. Polls quickly show that Chrome has a strong edge over Barack Obama. When asked for his opinion, Fashion designer and world’s most tanned man, Valentino, said “well, Chrome is the new black”.
Presidential Candidates

11/04/2008 – Google Chrome goes on to win the 2008 U.S. Presidential Election and becomes the 44th president of the United States of America. Chrome immediately goes to work repairing the damage done by George W. Bush. Within months, the U.S. economy is better than any point in history as the stock market skyrockets 1800%. Unemployment is non-existent. Education is at an all time high. The war in Iraq ends and Iran becomes one of the strongest U.S. allies. Israel and Palestine are best friends. Google Chrome becomes the greatest leader in the history of the free world. Osama Bin Laden is one of Chrome’s closest friends and is often overheard saying “Jihad-shmad…throw me another beer.”
Richard Nixon Chrome

Google Chrome Hitler
09/09/2009 – The popularity eventually goes to Google Chrome’s head. It becomes sick with power and begins mobilizing for global domination. It begins hunting down and annihilating the remaining few Internet Explorer and Mozilla Firefox users. The rest of the world follows Chrome out of fear of its iron fist. It believes it is the second coming of Christ. Admittedly…web services are godly fast.

12/09/2013 – Google Chrome is ruler of planet Earth, but quickly realizes that it is lonely at the top. Sarah Palin has left it. Its friends have deserted it. It can trust no one. It is completely and utterly alone. It begins turning to drugs to find solace from the misery of life. Piles of cocaine a day make it jumpy and paranoid. Web pages are loading lightening fast, but the browser crashes shortly thereafter.
chrome cocaine

01/30/2018 – After years of drug and alcohol abuse, Google Chrome finally has a moment of clarity. It longs for the days of helping people and making the world a better place. It gives up its position as ruler of Planet Earth and vows to relinquish all of its worldly possessions. It dedicates itself to a life of wisdom, meditation and peaceful demonstration in support of human rights. It shares its source code with Microsoft, ending a long history of bitter rivalry.
Ghandi Chrome

Google Chrome Beggar
7/11/2019 – While Google Chrome and Microsoft continue to work together to create the worlds greatest web browser in the history of mankind, the Apple iPhone manages to redefine computing as the greatest advancement since the invention of the transistor. Clunky desktops are a thing of the past. Laptops are nonexistent. Even blade servers exist nowhere but the Smithsonian. The highest traffic websites of the world are all powered by 8G iPhones. Desktop web browsers have become obsolete. Broke, tired and hungry, Google Chrome hits the streets relying on the compassion of those who have forgotten it.

01/26/2023 – Many years later, MIT students are able to use Google Chrome to extract a glutenous substance, which is then baked in an oven at 350 degrees before being dissected with a high powered optical laser. When they add a piece of Swiss cheese, Google Chrome truly becomes the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Chrome Sandwich

I am friends with Darth Vadar, are you?

Good day people of Internet, this is your captain speaking. No, wait, this is not your captain speaking because Captain Buzz in on vacation probably looting some ships on the high seas.

This is Cuzzy, your substitute poster for the day, you can visit my small piece of blog real estate over at Cuzoogle when you are done here of course.

I am here today to brag about my new friend Darth Vadar. That is right, you heard me. I am friends with the baddest ass in a galaxy far, far away and you know how I know this? Because Digg says so. Yep just the other day I got an email saying Darth Vadar wanted to be me friend. How can I say no to that and not expect to drop to the floor struggling for air. So as fast as the Millennium Falcon enters lightspeed I accepted and became friends.

Pretty fricken cool eh? I wonder if he can make my posts go popular faster?

Are you friends with Darth (that is what his friends call him)? Yeah well if you are not and want to I can hook you up with D with a handy link below.

Okay so without any more bragging, here is a list of the coolest people that I am friends with on Digg. Before you comment and point out the obvious, I know they are not real (or are they?). But you know what, it still sounds cool when I tell my non-Internet friends who I was shouting with all day long. Yep I need to find a life.

Darth Vadar

Already said all I need to on this guy. I had no idea he was such a considerate shouter.

Optimus Prime

Almost as cool as Darth is me being friends with the leader of the Autobots. I have to admit growing up I was more of a Decepticon kind of guy but this works.

Mooki Blaylock

Now this one could either be one of the boys from Pearl Jam or the guy who played in the NBA. Doesn’t matter, they are both cool to me. Nice try trying to throw me off with the spelling.

Eddie Norton

Again a slight change does not trick me. Eddie? Edward. Yeah I am on to you Hulk.

George Carlin

This is hard to figure only because he is still sending shouts. RIP George.

Woogie Hauser

Neil Patrick Harris you can’t fool me. I have been telling all my friends that we exchange Diggs. Can’t believe you did not grab Digg-ie Howser as a screen name though.

Susan Bird

Okay you may not know her but I actually know a little about the WNBA. You go Sue!

Kevin Smith

I already wrote to him to tell him how much I liked Chasing Amy. If only there were more.

Spike Jonze

Always been a fan of Spike so this was cool getting to send him shouts and my ideas for a new music video.

Kevin Federline

Digg has never been so cool. I bet making stories popular helps ease the pain of knowing his kids have a freak for a mom. Keep those shouts coming K-Fed. I always Digg your stuff.

God

Wow, this could be the holy mother of Digg friends, pardon the pun. My Mum was so happy when I told her I had made friends with God. She told me that she knew the day would come and that she looks forward to me going to church on Sunday. Little does she know, I will probably be sending shouts instead.

Who are you friends with?

Tell us all who your favourite friends are on Digg. Can you top Darth and OP?

If you had even the smallest laugh over the last 47 seconds, I invite you to add me to your Digg list. If not, it was fun guiding you around today and I promise that Mr. Buzz Pirate will be back soon to restore some kind of order.

Thanks all.

These Aren’t The Droids You’re Looking For, Nice Speeder Though!

Finally! A real life, honest-to-god, no strings attached, fully operational Landspeeder! The only thing missing are a few droids, a womp rat assassin, and an old kook with a staff. The Razorback by Axom Racing Systems is the worlds first anti-gravity RC racing vehicle. It hovers a few inches off the ground and is capable of reaching speeds up to 50 mph. It will be available in September for $250. Oh yeah…I forgot to mention its only a few inches tall. But these things can scale, right?

Sure its only a toy…for now. But I am already putting GoodYear on my list of things that are as obsolete as Blockbuster Video. In the meantime, I know someone who is going to love this thing.

Lego Luke

[Axon via Techpin via DVICE via Gizmodo] (who wants to keep this going?)