Baldwin, Long Island, New York – In a move some are saying is brilliant, if not some sort of basic error, 50 Cent unveiled the newest member of the hip hop collective “G-Unit,” Thursday, 73 year old Gertrude “Gertie” Schwartzfarb. The self described cat-lover and homemaker replaces former member Young Buck and joins convicted felon and admitted drug dealer Tony Yayo as well as platinum recording rap artist Lloyd Banks as a member of G Unit. Schwartzfarb was announced as the newest member at a press conference at MTV studios in Manhattan.
The news has already sent shock waves through the rap community. Stunned former G-Unit member The Game had this to say. “I’m a stab that fuckin’ bitch in the heart yo. I’m a kill that bitch faster then a myocardial infarction. She sent me a card on my birthday with $5 in it, that’s a mutha fuckin’ insult.”
At the introductory press conference and celebratory bingo game, 50 Cent made reference to Schwartzfarb’s killing prowess. “Yo, this bitch is a cold hearted killer so she know what up. Wait a second, did they just say B4? Awww yeah! Bingo mutha fuckas. Pay me my money bitches!”
Banks had this to say, “Gertie is mad hard yo. We was at a party gettin’ high as fuck, and this bitch whips out, like 30 different pills. She knows how to get down.” A recent call to Mrs. Schwartzfarb’s doctor showed that she currently has prescriptions for blood pressure medication: diovan, levatol, as well as several other beta blockers.
An American hip hop group originating from New York City, G-Unit emerged on the New York scene by independently releasing several mixtapes. The name of the group is short for “Guerrilla Unit” as well as “Gangsta Unit”. “Shit, more like Geriatric-Unit now, if you ask me,” added The Game.
Gertrude had this to say, “I don’t know why all these colored gentleman are so interested in me. I’m just so glad to have company and I love the spinning medallion they gave me. I just wish they’d stop cursing and yelling so much. And would it kill them to take their sneakers off when they come over the house?”
Industry insiders are saying that 50 Cent actually meant to announce Queens based rapper Gertie Kill-Dat-Ho as the actual new member of G-Unit and that he is simply too embarrassed to admit his mistake. Still others believe that a 1973 car accident in which Mrs. Schwartzfarb accidentally killed five people may have somehow led 50 to believe the Long Island Grandmother would raise the street cred of the group. Regardless, many believe this is the most inappropriate addition to a rap group since The Fat Boys accidentally named 134 lbs Ethiopian rapper “40 Ounce” to their lineup in 1986.
