Acme, Looney Tunes Land – In what is being described as a heinous attack, Pepe Le Pew has been brought up on rape charges involving a cat with 
white paint on it. The cat, who accidentally got white paint on herself while crawling under a freshly painted fence was unavailable for comment. Le Pew, a skunk with a French accent has long been accused of raping temporarily pigmented felines.
Portions of the discovery were made available to the press by federal prosecutors. Shocking among the details is that the skunk is actually from Cleveland and not Paris. His real name is Stinky McSmellington and he does not work in a perfume factory, but in a fart factory. Le Pew has a long history of crimes of a sexual nature and if convicted on current charges faces 20 years in a maximum security prison. The majority of the victims of these crimes have been felines. There is a pattern of “forced kissing” and “muaw muaw muaw” sounds in all known cases.
Le Pew was brought to Acme Police Headquarters for questioning. The officers seen transporting Le Pew wore clothespins on their noses and were outfited with special Anti-Stink spray rifles. Eye witnesses to the arrest all agree that several stink lines were seen eminating from the suspect and several people who came in contact with these stink lines immediately passed out or turned green. Le Pew was heard saying, “I love zis woman, eh, I love zem all! I thought she was zee skunk, I am the French lover….c’mon, she wanted it!” At press time Le Pew was being held in a bathtub filled with tomato juice.
manufacturing plants today, Hall of Famer Cal Ripken, Jr. quickly ran out of baseball metaphors during a motivational lecture.
ld ball game. Phew…is it hot in here? Anybody got any peanuts or crackerjacks?”
injection molding machine, a machine designed for the molding of plastic materials, said “now you see why I’m the Iron Man.” Whispers filled the manufacturing floor when it became apparent that Ripken had no idea he was actually speaking at a plastics manufacturer and not some sort of iron or steel plant. The mood became downright uncomfortable when after speaking for only 15 minutes Ripken made references to a first baseman’s mitt, Mike Boddicker, throwing a slurve and finally “making a touchdown.”
Jersey Devil’s new pregame ritual went too far. With attendance sagging in NHL venues all over the country, the league has encouraged teams to amp up their pregame theatrics. Still, even with a directive from the commissioner’s office, many religious groups, parental groups and even animal rights groups have complained about the Devils pregame ritual.
flashes of Nazi and serial killer voices and screaming as the projected images of demons with blood dripping from their unhinged mouths were flashed on the ice. A coffin was dragged on to the ice by what appeared to be a hunchbacked, albino leper. The coffin was lit on fire and Brodeur emerged from the casket to take his place in goal.
10pm showing of Friday the 13th. Whether its the gruesome dismemberment on the screen or the highly caffeinated Mountain Dew in the infant’s bottle, the infant really voiced his opinion…by screaming and crying.
ible annoyance. Pleas to get the baby to stop enjoying the movie so much at AMC Clifton Commons 16 were drowned out by a variety of sources. First, the couple making out next to you, whose loud sucking noises caused you to stop eating your Goobers. Second, the 15 year old freckle-faced kid who sat behind you kicking your chair, throwing popcorn at you and called you “fag” under his breath. Lastly, sitting immediately to your left (even though plenty of seats open everywhere) was a 345lb man eating a burrito that was clearly bought at Chipotle.
you have them in the back shake me up a peanut butter and banana sandwich with some of the King’s special pep pills…and… baby toes. C’mon now, I’m the King! She wrote upon it, Return to Sender…address unknown, no such person…no such so.
nearly a decade of taste satisfaction, a 29 year old man died of a Snack Attack on Monday. The Snack Attack brings to mind a 711 incident in which 6 died in a pre-Macho Man Randy Savage lack of Slim Jim snapping into. Emergency technicians rushed to the scene from all area Snack Attack cure stations including Taco Bell, Pizza Pizza, Burger King…but they were too late. A snackogram was performed on the scene by Toll House authorities, resulting in what was dangerously low levels of salt, sugar and deliciousness quotient. The body was found with what appeared to be a long empty bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, a box of Oreos with only crumbs in it and an apple with a tiny bite taken out of it. Noted tasteologist Cheeto “Chip” Crisp was quick to the scene. Armed with a Nabisc-o-meter and Nougat-Finder, Crisp and his team scoured the unidentified man’s apartment and were unable to find anything individually wrapped, mass-produced or vacuum sealed. The Hamburgler and the Noid are considered suspects and are being held for questioning.
r something?!”
the historic “Iceland Purchase” on Tuesday. This led to the immediate ratifying of “Proposition 32 Degrees” which led to the subsequent announcement that Iceland has become the 51st State.
t out that Greenland is actually mostly ice and Iceland is mostly green. Bjork and Sugar Rios Cd’s have been flying of the shelf all day. Plus, Jim Kramer of TV’s “Mad Money” almost went into cardiac arrest while yelling for a full one hour show for viewers to invest in flag companies as every single US flag will need to be replaced or at least outfitted with a “51st star expansion pack.”
