Burbank, CA – Robert Iger, President and CEO of The Walt Disney Company addressed the media on Thursday with the announcement that production will shut down on Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Somali Sunshine. “In the wake of the Somali pirates hostage situation and the standoff with the U.S. navy and all, we thought we might hurt the delicate sensitivities of our investors.” He continued, “we’re in the business of making the community of our investors happy, and in the wake of the actions of a certain person, we feel like the ‘Pirates‘ franchise is no longer profitable.”
Industry insiders agree that Disney’s decision was clearly based on an earlier press conference.
Prior to his rescue the family of Captain Richard Phillips held a press conference in Vermont pleading for the swift return of the their patriarch. In a show of great caring and philanthropy, offbeat actor Johnny Depp scheduled an appearance at the event. Reporters on hand expressed the magnitude of the normally recalcitrant Depp as his highly anticipated appearance at the press conference drew nearer. The Phillips family greatly appreciated the willingness of the critically acclaimed actor taking time out to draw awareness to the high seas drama effecting them so deeply.
The admiration of the press turned to bewilderment as Johnny Depp took the stage in his full Jack Sparrow costume, complete with makeup, full in character swagger and accent and possibly drunk. “I be the Captain Jack Sparrow [hiccup], and all I see is a bunch of scalawags and vermin among ye,” said Depp before a shocked crowd.
Depp then reached into left pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a Jack Sparrow action figure and in a thick pirate brogue said, “Me action figures be available for $29.95 on Disney’s website…savvy?” Then Depp reached into his right pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a Cheerios-like cereal, and yelled “and coming soon be Jack Sparrow’s Pirate Crunch.” Depp then threw the handful of cereal at Associated Press journalist Justin Pritchard. Depp then yelled “ARRRRRRRR!!!!” as Pritchard wiped the cereal off his suit.
Depp then looked over at Captain Phillips’ family, realized why he was at the new conference and came out of character. Depp took a serious, long gaze at the worried family and began. “Many of you know me as the actor who takes chances, picks roles that reflect the fact that I continuously try to distinguish myself from the average actor. The truth is, after years in this business, and meeting the Phillips family here today…I now have one question for the community at large today.”
Depp then took a deep breath, with an expressive look on his face that pierced through his pirate makeup and asked, “So, why aren’t we making this new Pirates movie? I mean, the thing has made me, like, a zillion dollars. I mean, look at these people, they’ve got a family member that’s been literally attacked by pirates. We’re sitting on a goldmine of free publicity here. And while we’re on the topic…this isn’t going to affect my royalties, right? I heard some sort of bullshit about donating proceeds from DVD sales to this Phillips guy’s family. C’mon now, we’re not talking about Edward Scissorhands money here, this is a whole sweet as fuck, franchise, baby. The time is now to get this fuckin’ shit spinnin Disney… The Depper is on board. Call that Orlando Poon guy, you know he ain’t doing anything.”
Reporters on hand were shocked and appalled, as Andrea Phillips, wife of the hijacked sea captain, cried at witnessing the normally calm Depp’s outrageous behavior.
“Ok, look,” Depp continued, “there must be some retards out there that could use a few of the left over Captain Jack Sparrow lunchboxes with the broken handles we’ve got in that Duluth storage facility, right? If community relations is the game… I just showed you how to win kiddies.”
Depp sensing the disapproving Vermont press conference crowd then became downright belligerent, “C’mon, they’re retards, they don’t need the handles… its not like they’re making their own lunch anyway? They’d probably just keep it on a shelf in the bathroom or something…I don’t know. Anyway, my point is, I just met these Phillips’ people and I don’t like them… bunch of syrupy Ben and Jerry’s eating fairies. Fuck ‘em.” Depp, then chugged from a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and stormed off the stage.
Currently Disney is standing by their decision to cancel production on Pirates of the Carribbean 4, although insiders say they may be waivering as they signed actual Somali Pirate Abduhl Wal-i-Musi to a development deal. The Wal-i-Musi deal may just keep him as a mousekateer until he’s old enough to be a pirate in the movie. Disney also announced they will continue as scheduled with the Robin Williams vehicle Aladdin: Baghdad Meshuggah.