President Obama On Japan: “I Got Marquette Going to the Final Four”

Washington D.C. – In a press conference attended by 103 major news media officials, including members of the White House Press Corps, the Associated Press and ESPN, when pressed into questioning about the current crisis in Japan President Obama immediately replied “I got Marquette going to the Final Four. Yeah, I like Marquette really coming on like a Tsunami from the East.” The nation’s highest ranking basketball fan followed up with presenting his Presidential Bracket.

The President continued, “I like that Jimmy Fredette kid at BYU, so got them coming out of the Southeast. Duke is a real power house, I like them coming out of the West. Oh, and Kansas, they are a real natural disaster, am I right? They are like a tidal wave of epic destruction… on the court. Wait, so what was your question?”

President Obama later named Dick Vitale to his cabinet as the official United States Federal Secretary of Yelling.

Tanith Belbin Compulsory Dance Leads to Voluntary Masturbation

Albuquerque, NM – With the remote out of reach, and ice dancing on NBC’s Vancouver Olympic coverage, Thomas LuDann initial reaction was one of empathy. But malaise turned to interest, as LuDann first saw the American ice dancer Tanith Belbin. With the TV room to himself, Tanith Belbin’s compulsory dance program led to voluntary masturbation of LuDann’s phallus.  Compulsory dances, the part of ice dancing in which all the couples perform the same standardized steps and holds to music of a specified tempo has recently led to self pleasure among men with rhythm stroke manipulation fetishes and lack of easy internet accessibility.

Although LuDann does not know much about Moldavian culture, Belbin’s Moldavian themed compulsory dance inspired mandatory self-gratification and ejaculation. The only negative part of the experience was the four minute length of the routine, LuDann’s acknowledgment of the existence Belben’s partner Benjamin Agosto and of course the compulsory clean up before roommate Kyle Getzaf gets home.

“The patriotism, meshed with the mandatory nature of this particular section of the ice dance program can, inspire or even command the male to rub his penis to an excited state. This can attributed to any one of a number of things, such as lack of intimacy, self-confidence issues, or the tightness of Belbin’s outfit combined with her lush blonde hair… blue eyes…athletic frame…and ah, hmmm… excuse me, I have an another appointment appointment… can you come back in 15 minutes?”

Belbin is simply the latest in a long line female athletes whose obligatory sport performances have led to protracted sessions of solo erotic pleasures for LuDann. These include Anna Kournikova’s rule mandated pro-set baseline service leading to lubricated self-service; Natalie Gublis skins play, leading to actual personal skin play; and Danica Patrick’s airflow inspired restrictor plates effect on her car’s draft and her ability to put the hammer down leading to LuDann beating off so feverishly one would expect that that he was poisoned and that his own cum was the only antidote.

Mel Gibson Donates 4 Bags of Pennies to Holocaust Museum

Washington D.C. – Troubled Hollywood Hunk and noted anti-Semite Mel Gibson extended his hand, and his wallet as he made a donation of for bags of pennies to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum today. The move raised eyebrows as the donation, although welcome, came off as being actually offensive in nature.

Mel Gibson called for the press conference announcing his donation this past Friday evening, completely disregarding the Sabbath. After much debate museum curator and American University Jewish Studies Professor Dr. Murray Wallach and Holocaust Museum President Rabbi Eli Lipstein allowed the Sabbath press conference assuming it would be a positive for the museum. Lipstein and Wallach also figured that it would be less humid in the evening, and that the museum would save approximately $34.00 on the added PSE&G bill with the nighttime expenditures.

Mel Gibson began, “I know how much you hook nose bastards love money, so, I figured, why the hell not. You covetous, money lending Jews enjoy these four bags of copper money.” A gasp went up over the Hebrew and Non-Hebrew media.

Gibson continued, “Why is everybody seem so Jew-ed up? Let’s face it, its not like the museum is celebrating an actual historical event. Despite the fact that I’m standing inside this museum with evidence of these supposed horrors, I’d deny this place exists at all. My dad was totally right, about you kikes, what with your hats and weird scarves. Ok, questions?” (pointing at the assembled members of the press).

“Ok, you, cream tits,”  (pointing at Associated Press reporter Margret Stevenson).

Stevenson, “Mr. Gibson, is this donation in response to the recent terrifying shooting inside the museum by white supremacist James von Brunn.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, let’s not rush to judgment on this American Brunn,” Gibson answered. “There’s no actual proof he did anything wrong.”

Stevenson responded with a stern, “what!” to which Gibson simply furrowed his brow. “Next question. Umm… you, weird hat guy” (pointing at Jewish Journal reporter and Orthodox yarmulke wearing  Morty Yinklestein).

Yinklestein, “Mr. Gibson, don’t you feel as if your gesture and comments here are offensive to the Jewish community? This museum is a testament to one of the world’s most hellish atrocities, so that we never forget…”

Gibson interrupted, “Sweet hot cock water, enough wining already…jeez. You people have nonstop diarrhea of the complaining. I need a drink…fucking Jews.” With that Gibson stumbled of the stage and immediately left… he returned 10 minutes later with a full beard and made several offensive remarks about Jews having big noses, the Star of David and Barbara Streisand, and then left again.

Not to be outdone, Gibson returned to the microphone and shouted “Take it!” But not before his last obnoxious offering. “Here, enjoy these pennies Hebrews.” At that point Gibson tossed the four bags of pennies all over the floor of the Holocaust Museum’s event room.

Rabbi Lipstein rushed to the microphone to appologize for the crazed ranting of the Jew hating Lethal Weapon star. “This is an outrage against Jews everywhere! We shall not accept Gibson or his donation.” At that moment Dr. Murray Wallach rushed to Lipstein’s side and said, “well, whoa, whoa, let’s not rush to judgment too quickly here.” Cooler heads prevailed as Lipstein said, “yeah, I guess you’re right.” The two men then hussled to the event room floor to collect, count and enjoy the pennies donated by the psychotic star of Mad Max.

President Obama Nominates Aborted Transsexual Fetus to Supreme Court

Washington D.C. – In a move that shocked the entire political spectrum, President Obama announced his nomination to the Supreme Court today, an aborted transsexual fetus. The fetus, offici2009_us_supreme_court-alterted1ally named “medical discharge compound, serial number 2382A-09” described itself as “honored,” “in constant pain” and “slightly moist.” Where the newly nominated fetus will fall on conservative/liberal views is anyone’s guess. Beltway insiders are agree its too soon to determine whether the decision to approve the nomination will be a “shameful and lonely back alley process” or a “quick and quiet one, best swept under the rug.”

This marks the first time an aborted transsexual fetus has been nominated to the country’s highest court. Although the aborted fetus has no prior judicial experience, it is believed to be more in touch with the common man than Justice Antonin Scalia. Regardless, this is a historic day for transsexual fetus’ everywhere. Quick to call the fetus their own, Republicans and Democrats alike, rallied to meet the press.

Howard Dean (D-VT) claimed that aborted fetus’ “had vision”, despite the thick layer of mucus still covering itscongressional-hearing-altered non-fully formed eye sockets. “This is a proud moment in our history, aborted transsexual fetus’ have long been underrepresented in our nation’s highest offices,” commented Dean. “First, Obama’s nominates the country’s first Hispanic Supreme Court justice in Judge Sonia Sotomayor and BAM follows it up with another filibuster proof nomination….yeeeeaaaaaoooowwwwww!!!!!” Dean then finished his comments with several awkward celebratory hand gestures and yelling.

“This is an outrageous,” said conservative radio host and noted Oxycontin fan Rush Limbaugh. “The Jew run liberal media is going to let some faggy pile of mush tell me what to do!” When told that the aborted fetus was pro-life, due to its countless ailments brought on by its own abortion, Limbaugh then said he was actually talking about Judge Sonia Sotomayor. “I say Huzzah! to this tiny hero of the Supreme Court.”handshake-altered

Doughnut Sandwich Inventor Xavier Thicksauce Dead at 34

Houston, Texas – Tragedy struck the gargantuan, disgusting fat bastard community as Xavier Thicksauce , inventor of the Doughnut Sandwich died today. With a blood pressure of 167 over 112 only a week ago, a sleeping heart rate of 134 beats per minute and at a weight of 312 pounds, the massive inventor passed away in an expected tragedy. With little more then a phlegmy gurgle, the overweight Thicksauce died in a seated position.  Neighbors had heard massive wheezing sound coming from the genius food maestro’s apartment for days prior. The body was discovered with a yellow/orange Doritos cheese dust covering the hands.

Police on the scene said there was little sign of a struggle… other then with a Wii controller.  Detective Carlin Winton summed it up, “Yeeeep, appears a game of Wii Bowling took it’s toll on mommy’s little solider [Thicksauce]. Probably could have been worse had the nunchuck controller been involved.” At this time, police have ruled out death by Snack Attack.

Thicksauce had recently been named Lazy Man Cuzine Magazine’s man of the year for his Doughnut Sandwich. The magazine called it the most important discovery in gluttony foodstuffs since the November 2008 invention of “Sugar Mayonaise” by chubby Florida native Blair Goobottom.

The Doughnut Sandwich was recently called an “abomination” and a “fat nightmare” by President Obama’s health adviser donut-bacon-burgerMilton Buzzkill. Still, not all people agree with the health adviser’s assessment, as Thicksauce’s invention has found popularity in the plus 300 pound crowd.

“Dude, whatever. That shit is fuckin’ delicious!” said Thicksauce, in an March 2009 interview with Dessert Dinners Double Quarterly. “We’re talking about a glazed doughnut, with a bacon cheeseburger, an egg all topped with Thousand Island dressing. They called Einstein crazy when he invented the light bulb with the Mona Lisa… I’m like that guy, but better with this little taste of heaven.”

Mourners are encouraged to meet at a local IHOP on Thursday to celebrate the life of the rotund pioneer. Xavier Thicksauce is survived by his various snacks, his doughnut sandwich recipe, his high score on Galaga and his cat Sprinkles.

Comin Up Next on the YES Network, an Interview with Mickey Mantle’s 3rd Liver

Yankees announcer Bob Sheppard’s voiced intoned “coming up next on the YES network, an interview with Mickey Mantle’s 3rd liver.

The special interview of The Mick’s liver was conducted by Yankees announcer Michael Kay on the YES Network’s Centerstage.

For years people believed that Mantle received the liver by normal means on the donor list. Michael Kay’s interview with The Mick’s liver revealed another story. The liver was initially born in a Kenyan boy with a congenital heart defect. When he died at the age of 5, the liver was sold to a Kenyan Shaman for 6 goat hearts. The liver changed hands several times before landing in the hands of noted liver “purveyor” Chuckie “Shiny” Huggins. Shiny had met the The Mick’s business manager at the time at a cockfighting and moonshine convention. The liver was carried via Igloo cooler and united with the Mick for a cool $250,000.00.

Doctors at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas, transplanted the liver to old Number 7 on June 8, 1995. But legends aren’t made in hospitals. On June 12, 1995 Mickey Mantle heroically made it to the Toledo Convention Center for a baseball card convention where he signed autographs for $50 a pop. A local 12 year old boy with liver disease who had been on the liver transplant waiting list for 2 years was in attendance. Ever the hero, after yelling obscenities at the boy for 20 minutes, he agreed to give the boy an autograph for a 20% discount. The boy enjoyed the Mick’s autograph for 6 months until he died.

The liver went missing for a brief period of time in 2001 that many fans don’t like to mention. It was found after two weeks with noted Yankees fan Billy Crystal. Carbon Crust dating showed that the funnyman had masturbated on the liver while wearing a Mickey Rivers signed batting glove. There is evidence that Mr. Crystal’s feverish masturbation led to chafing and crying brought on by memories of going to Yankee Stadium with his father. When confronted by former Yankees pitcher Goose Gossage about the incident, Billy Crystal simply said “you look marvelous” while tugging gently on Gossage’s trademark mustache. Goose shaved the mustache immediately. The liver told Michael Kay on Centerstage that after a 1000 showers since its time with Crystal, it will still never feel clean again.

Mickey Mantle’s liver had a lifetime B.A.C. (blood alcohol content) of 1.90. Mickey Mantle famously achieved cirrhosis of the liver with 3 different livers. Sporting News named Mickey Mantle’s three liver “Baseball’s Digestive Organs of the Century” for their truly historic and legendary achievements. These career numbers allowed Mickey Mantle to enter the Drinker’s Hall of Fame alongside Whitey Ford and Billy Martin.

The interview with Mickey Mantle’s third liver was the YES Network’s best sports star body part related interview special since the Yankeeography about Babe Ruth’s large intestine with 57 hot dogs lodged in it.

Disney Pulls Plug on Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Somali Sunshine

Burbank, CA – Robert Iger, President and CEO of The Walt Disney Company addressed the media on Thursday with depthe announcement that production will shut down on Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Somali Sunshine. “In the wake of the Somali pirates hostage situation and the standoff with the  U.S. navy and all, we thought we might hurt the delicate sensitivities of our investors.” He continued, “we’re in the business of making the community of our investors happy, and in the wake of the actions of a certain person, we feel like the ‘Pirates‘ franchise is no longer profitable.”

Industry insiders agree that Disney’s decision was clearly based on an earlier press conference.

Prior to his rescue the family of Captain Richard Phillips held a press conference in Vermont pleading for the swift return of the their patriarch. In a show of great caring and philanthropy, offbeat actor Johnny Depp scheduled an appearance at the event. Reporters on hand expressed the magnitude of the normally recalcitrant Depp as his highly anticipated appearance at the press conference drew nearer. The Phillips family greatly appreciated the willingness of the critically acclaimed actor taking time out to draw awareness to the high seas drama effecting them so deeply.

The admiration of the press turned to bewilderment as Johnny Depp took the stage in his full Jack Sparrow costume, complete with makeup, full in character swagger and accent and possibly drunk. “I be the Captain Jack Sparrow [hiccup], and all I see is a bunch of scalawags and vermin among ye,” said Depp before a shocked crowd.

Depp then reached into left pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a Jack Sparrow action figure and in a thick pirate brogue said, “Me action figures be available for $29.95 on Disney’s website…savvy?”  Then Depp reached into his right pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a Cheerios-like cereal, and yelled “and coming soon be Jack Sparrow’s Pirate Crunch.” Depp then threw the handful of cereal at Associated Press journalist Justin Pritchard. Depp then yelled “ARRRRRRRR!!!!” as Pritchard wiped the cereal off his suit.

Depp then looked over at Captain Phillips’ family, realized why he was at the new conference and came out of character. Depp took a serious, long gaze at the worried family and began. “Many of you know me as the actor who takes chances, picks roles that reflect the fact that I continuously try to distinguish myself from the average actor. The truth is, after years in this business, and meeting the Phillips family here today…I now have one question for the community at large today.”

Depp then took a deep breath, with an expressive look on his face that pierced through his pirate makeup and asked, “So, why aren’t we making this new Pirates movie? I mean, the thing has made me, like, a zillion dollars. I mean, look at these people, they’ve got a family member that’s been literally attacked by pirates. We’re sitting on a goldmine of free publicity here. And while we’re on the topic…this isn’t going to affect my royalties, right? I heard some sort of bullshit about donating proceeds from DVD sales to this Phillips guy’s family. C’mon now, we’re not talking about Edward Scissorhands money here, this is a whole sweet as fuck, franchise, baby. The time is now to get this fuckin’ shit spinnin Disney… The Depper is on board. Call that Orlando Poon guy, you know he ain’t doing anything.”

Reporters on hand were shocked and appalled, as Andrea Phillips, wife of the hijacked sea captain, cried at witnessing the normally calm Depp’s outrageous behavior.

“Ok, look,” Depp continued, “there must be some retards out there that could use a few of the left over Captain Jack Sparrow lunchboxes with the broken handles we’ve got in that Duluth storage facility, right? If community relations is the game… I just showed you how to win kiddies.”

Depp sensing the disapproving Vermont press conference crowd then became downright belligerent, “C’mon, they’re retards, they don’t need the handles… its not like they’re making their own lunch anyway? They’d probably just keep it on a shelf in the bathroom or something…I don’t know. Anyway, my point is, I just met these Phillips’ people and I don’t like them… bunch of syrupy Ben and Jerry’s eating fairies. Fuck ’em.” Depp, then chugged from a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and stormed off the stage.

Currently Disney is standing by their decision to cancel production on Pirates of the Carribbean 4, although insiders say they may be waivering as they signed actual Somali Pirate Abduhl Wal-i-Musi to a development deal. The Wal-i-Musi deal may just keep him as a mousekateer until he’s old enough to be a pirate in the movie. Disney also announced they will continue as scheduled with the Robin Williams vehicle Aladdin: Baghdad Meshuggah.

Pepe Le Pew Charged with Raping Cat with White Paint On It

Acme, Looney Tunes Land – In what is being described as a heinous attack, Pepe Le Pew has been brought up on rape charges involving a cat with white paint on it. The cat, who accidentally got white paint on herself while crawling under a freshly painted fence was unavailable for comment. Le Pew, a skunk with a French accent has long been accused of raping temporarily pigmented felines.

Portions of the discovery were made available to the press by federal prosecutors. Shocking among the details is that the skunk is actually from Cleveland and not Paris. His real name is Stinky McSmellington and he does not work in a perfume factory, but in a fart factory. Le Pew has a long history of crimes of a sexual nature and if convicted on current charges faces 20 years in a maximum security prison. The majority of the victims of these crimes have been felines. There is a pattern of “forced kissing” and “muaw muaw muaw” sounds in all known cases.

Le Pew was brought to Acme Police Headquarters for questioning. The officers seen transporting Le Pew wore clothespins on their noses and were outfited with special Anti-Stink spray rifles. Eye witnesses to the arrest all agree that several stink lines were seen eminating from the suspect and several people who came in contact with these stink lines immediately passed out or turned green. Le Pew was heard saying, “I love zis woman, eh, I love zem all! I thought she was zee skunk, I am the French lover….c’mon, she wanted it!” At press time Le Pew was being held in a bathtub filled with tomato juice.