50 Cent Announces Long Island Grandmother as Newest Member of G-Unit

Baldwin, Long Island, New York – In a move some are saying is brilliant, if not some sort of basic error, 50 Cent unveiled the newest member of the hip hop collective “G-Unit,” Thursday, 73 year old Gertrude “Gertie” Schwartzfarb. The self described cat-lover and homemaker replaces former member Young Buck and joins convicted felon and admitted drug dealer Tony Yayo as well as platinum recording rap artist Lloyd Banks as a member of G Unit. Schwartzfarb was announced as the newest member at a press conference at MTV studios in Manhattan.

The news has already sent shock waves through the rap community. Stunned former G-Unit member The Game had this to say. “I’m a stab that fuckin’ bitch in the heart yo. I’m a kill that bitch faster then a myocardial infarction. She sent me a card on my birthday with $5 in it, that’s a mutha fuckin’ insult.”

At the introductory press conference and celebratory bingo game, 50 Cent made reference to Schwartzfarb’s killing prowess. “Yo, this bitch is a cold hearted killer so she know what up. Wait a second, did they just say B4? Awww yeah! Bingo mutha fuckas. Pay me my money bitches!”

Banks had this to say, “Gertie is mad hard yo. We was at a party gettin’ high as fuck, and this bitch whips out, like 30 different pills. She knows how to get down.” A recent call to Mrs. Schwartzfarb’s doctor showed that she currently has prescriptions for blood pressure medication: diovan, levatol, as well as several other beta blockers.

An American hip hop group originating from New York City, G-Unit emerged on the New York scene by independently releasing several mixtapes. The name of the group is short for “Guerrilla Unit” as well as “Gangsta Unit”. “Shit, more like Geriatric-Unit now, if you ask me,” added The Game.

spinning necklaceGertrude had this to say, “I don’t know why all these colored gentleman are so interested in me. I’m just so glad to have company and I love the spinning medallion they gave me. I just wish they’d stop cursing and yelling so much. And would it kill them to take their sneakers off when they come over the house?”

Industry insiders are saying that 50 Cent actually meant to announce Queens based rapper Gertie Kill-Dat-Ho as the actual new member of G-Unit and that he is simply too embarrassed to admit his mistake. Still others believe that a 1973 car accident in which Mrs. Schwartzfarb accidentally killed five people may have somehow led 50 to believe the Long Island Grandmother would raise the street cred of the group. Regardless, many believe this is the most inappropriate addition to a rap group since The Fat Boys accidentally named 134 lbs Ethiopian rapper “40 Ounce” to their lineup in 1986.

Don’t F’ With the National Anthem Kat

Talk about trying a little too hard. Check out this rendition of the National Anthem sung by Kat Deluna before Monday night’s Cowboys Eagles game. She adds exactly 1,353 completely pointless and annoying extra notes to the song. We counted.

Listen to all the boos she gets at the end too. She totally deserves them for trying to show off (unsuccessfully).

American Idol Pop Tarts, Brilliant or Worst Promotion Ever?

Happy Friday everyone. You know the day is going to be a good one when you wake up and check your email, and the first thing you see is a hilarious gem like this. The image below came in one of those automated emails from TicketMaster announcing the availability of the American Idols 2008 Tour, sponsored by…wait for it…Pop Tarts.

I did not photoshop this one at all folks. This is the real deal, even though it looks like it could be the winner of a Gizmodo PhotoShop contest. I don’t know, maybe I am the only one who sees the humor in this. However, for me the damage is done. I will forever think of these wannabe pop stars as a bunch of “tarts”.

American Idol Pop Tarts

Top 10 Mondegreens

douche commercialMonde-what??? Merriam-Webster dictionary recently added about 100 new words to their collegiate dictionary of the English language. One of them was mondegreen, which refers to a word or phrase that results from a mishearing of something said or sung.

The word comes from an old Scottish ballad in which the lyric “laid him on the green” has been confused over time with “Lady Mondegreen.” Misquoted song lyrics happen all the time in popular music. To honor this, we are happy to present Buzz Pirates’s Top 10 list of Mondegreens of Popular Music.

“Lucy in the sky with Linus” – The Beatles, Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds
[actual lyric: “Lucy in the sky with diamonds”]
“It doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not” – Bon Jovi, Living On A Prayer
[actual lyric: “It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not”]
“I’ll never leave your pizza burning.” – Rolling Stones, Beast of Burden
[actual lyric: “I’ll never be your beast of burden”]
“Hold me closer Tony Danza” – Elton John, Tiny Dancer
[actual lyric: “Hold me closer Tiny Dancer”]
“Got my first real sex dream. Thought I was 5 at the time.” – Bryan Adams, Summer of ’69
[actual lyric: “Got my first real six string. Bought it at the five and dime.”]
“Here we are now, in containers” – Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit
[actual lyric: “Here we are now, entertain us”]
“All of those tunas covered with oil” – Jimmy Buffet, Margaritaville
[actual lyric: “All of the tourists covered with oil”]
“Excuse me while I kiss this guy” – Jimmy Hendrix, Purple Haze
[actual lyric: “Excuse me while I kiss the sky”]
“There’s a bathroom on the right” – Credence Clearwater Revival, Bad Moon Rising
[actual lyric: “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”]

And the winner is….

“Revved up like a douche, another runner in the night.” – Manfred Mann, Blinded By the Light (written by Bruce Springsteen)
[actual lyric: “Revved up like a deuce another runner in the night”]

Special thanks to KissThisGuy.com for some of these ideas.


Rest in Peace Bo Diddley

Bo DiddleyBuzz Pirates is normally about taking the latest media buzz and making fun of it. Today, however, we are going to remove our humor hat and take a serious moment to pay homage to a rock n’ roll great that has influenced decades of musicians. Bo Diddley passed away today from heart complications after a long illness. He was 79. Rest in peace Bo.

Having a great number of hits dating back to the 1950’s with songs like “You Can’t Judge a Book By the Cover,” “Road Runner” and “Who Do You Love?”, Bo was perhaps even more famous as a guitarist. He forever changed the shape of Rock ‘n Roll music when he discovered what would later become known as the “Bo Diddley Beat” – a musical style whose influence can be heard in songs from Elvis Presley, Bruce Springsteen, U2, The Rolling Stones, Guns N’ Roses, David Bowie, The White Stripes, and many others.

Bo was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1987. Unfortunately it is not possible to copyright a beat, so Bo never got compensated for the creation of his musical style. However, his contribution to decades of Rock n’ Roll is priceless and will remain a cornerstone to rock music for decades to come.

Thank you for your gift, Bo. Rest in peace.

An Open Letter to Steven Tyler

Dear Steven,steven tyler

I heard from TMZ that you checked in to rebad recently. On behalf of all music fans everywhere, I ask…no…I beg…why…Steven why?!

You are in your sixties. You have clearly proven that you can survive the rock star lifestyle. So I ask you to please take a note from the journal of SIR (in my opinion) Keith Richards, and throw caution to the wind. Party it up.

Please don’t go to rehab. We cannot stand to hear another sober rendition of Amazing, Crazy, Lying, Crying or whatever corny, repetitive ballad that rolls out of your seltzer drinkin’ monster lips. Have a drink. Do some lines. Hell…shoot up for all I care. Its been more than 30 years and we are still waiting for another Sweet Emotion, Dream On, or Walk This Way (with or without a kick ass rap group).

We want you to stop selling out and start making music like you used to….from your heart and completely fucked up out of your mind.

Thank you,

Jeff Buzz