The 13 Best Quotes by the Joker in The Dark Night – Heath Ledger Lives On

With many so-so sequels and prequels hitting theaters this summer, its a good time to remember the mother of all superhero/action sequels The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger’s performance as The Joker will live on forever as one of the greatest characters in cinema history. Below is a collection of the 13 best quotes (or in some cases memorable dialogue) by The Joker in The Dark Knight. I doubt we are missing much, but feel free to offer your two cents on the ranking.

13. I believe whatever doesn’t kill you, simply makes you…stranger.

12. All right. So, listen. Why don’t you give me a call when you want to start taking things a little more seriously? Here’s my card.

11. Joker: Oh, you. You just couldn’t let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You are truly incorruptible, aren’t you? Huh? You won’t kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won’t kill you because you’re just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.

10 . Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the… little emotions. In… you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?

9. Batman: Then why do you want to kill me?
Joker: I don’t want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, NO! No. You… you… complete me.
Batman: You’re garbage who kills for money.
Joker: Don’t talk like one of them. You’re not! Even if you’d like to be. To them, you’re just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don’t, they’ll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it’s a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They’re only as good as the world allows them to be. I’ll show you. When the chips are down, these… these civilized people, they’ll eat each other. See, I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve.

8. This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I’m gonna give it to them.

7. Joker: If you’re good at something, never do it for free.

6. Batman: Let her go!
Joker: [holding Rachel out of a window] Very poor choice of words…

5. Joker: [to Gambol’s thugs, being held helpless by his own] Now, our operation is small, but there’s a lot of potential for “aggressive” expansion. So, which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh, there’s only one spot open right now, so we’re gonna have…Tryouts. Make it fast.

4. How about a magic trick? I’m gonna make this pencil disappear. Ta-daa! It’s… it’s gone.

3. Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just… do things. The mob has plans, the cops have plans, Gordon’s got plans. You know, they’re schemers. Schemers trying to control their little worlds. I’m not a schemer. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So, when I say… Ah, come here.
When I say that you and your girlfriend was nothing personal, you know that I’m telling the truth. It’s the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans, and look where that got you. I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know… You know what I’ve noticed? Nobody panics when things go “according to plan.” Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it’s all “part of the plan.” But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!
Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I’m an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It’s fair!

2. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight’s entertainment! Well, you look nervous. Is it the scars? You want to know how I got ’em? Come here. Hey! Look at me. So I had a wife, beautiful, like you, who tells me I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to smile more. Who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks… Look at me! One day, they carve her face. And we have no money for surgeries. She can’t take it. I just want to see her smile again, hm? I just want her to know that I don’t care about the scars. So… I stick a razor in my mouth and do this…to myself. And you know what? She can’t stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side. Now I’m always smiling! A little fight in you. I like that. Batman: Then you’re going to love me.

1. [holding a knife inside Gambol’s mouth] Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was… a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn’t like that. Not-one-bit. So – me watching – he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it! Turns to me, and he says, “why so serious, son?” Comes at me with the knife… “Why so serious?” He sticks the blade in my mouth… “Let’s put a smile on that face!” And…Why so serious?

Suited and Awesome – The Top Ten Barney Stinson Quotes

How I Met Your Mother is filled with funny quotes, most of them coming from Neil Patrick Harris‘ character Barney Stinson. Armed with a suit, no conscious and awesomeness, Barney Stinson is a player with an insatiable appetite for the ladies. He loves imparting his twisted wisdom to the other guys and we love him for it. Doogie Howser who? Neil Patrick Harris is Leg-end-dary and has singlehandedly made CBS cool. I have a feeling people are going to be angry with what we left off the following top ten list… feel free to leave your favorite Barney Stinson quotes in the comments section.

The Top Ten Barney Stinson Quotes

10. (Season 1) Yelling at Ted for waiting to have sex with a woman: “The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she’s 17 years, 11 months old.”

9. (Season 2): [after Marshal thinks his professor is tough on her grades because she needs to get laid]
Barney Stinson: Marshall, I’ve thought it over and I accept your challenge.

Marshall Eriksen: I didn’t challenge you to have sex with…
Barney Stinson: Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.
[after Barney points Marshal to his professor’s low-cut shirt]
Barney Stinson: The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. You’re watching them bounce, she’s about to pounce.

8. (Season 1): Explaining his strategy for Halloween parties: “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”

7. (Season 3): Barney: There’s no way she’s above the line on the ‘hot/crazy’ scale.
Ted: She’s not even on the ‘hot/crazy’ scale; she’s just hot.
Robin Scherbatsky: Wait, ‘hot/crazy’ scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate!
[draws diagram]
Barney: A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she’s “this” crazy, she has to be “this” hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal’. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob job.
[pauses]
Barney: I should give her a call.

[and then later on – Barney Stinson: Let’s see how Blah Blah’s doing on the hot/crazy scale. She started the night here, but as the night progressed, she has gotten crazier, but she hasn’t gotten any hotter, and she has drifted past the Vicky Mendoza diagonal and getting dangerously close to the Shelly Galezby area. Another girl I dated. She gained ten pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.]

6. (Season 1):I henceforth declare the following- From this moment on, there shall exists in the world of dating and mating a Lemon Law, which for copyright purposes shall be dubbed “The Barney Law.”

It shall operate on the following conditions: all persons involved in a mutually decided upon date have exactly 5 minutes from the moment of meeting to decide if the date will proceed for the rest of the night or not. Within the first five minutes of coming together (high five!) either party can call the date off for any reason.

5. (Season 4): Getting defensive about his potential love for Robin: “You know who is confused? Bimbos. They’re easily confused. It’s one of the thousand little things I love about them. I love their vacant, trusting stares; their sluggish, unencumbered minds; their unresolved daddy issues. I love them Lily, and they love me. Bimbos have always been there for me, through thick and thin-mostly thin. B-man don’t do thick crust, what up!”

4. (Season 3): Reminiscing about his first sexual experience: “That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.”

3. (Season 3): Explaining to Marshall about his qualities: “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda!”

2. (Season 4): [At Stuart’s alcoholism intervention, Barney brings a bottle of liquor]
Barney Stinson: Come on, Stuart, time to unleash the big, green monster.
Stuart: No!
Barney Stinson: People don’t want to see Bruce Banner, they want to see the Hulk. Hulk! Hulk! Hulk! Hulk!
[Robin whispers into Barney’s ear]
Barney Stinson: What? That’s what I get for skimming the Evite.

1. (Season 4): “The point is, marriage is stupid. Every day new 22-year olds go into bars, and call me glass-half-full, but I think they’re getting dumber.

Eastbound and Down Quotes – Kenny Powers Unleashed

With the season finale of Eastbound and Down on Sunday, we figured it was a good time to revisit some of our favorite quotes from our favorite show. I know we are forgetting plenty of great lines, feel free to add them to the comments. I’d also like to say that the principal has become my second favorite character in the show… he was ridiculous in the episode where they had the BBQ.

Here are some of our favorite Kenny Powers Quotes…

(When principal says that he does triathlons) “I play real sports…not trying to be the best at exercising.”

“Why is there blue shit on your face Cleg? What, did you just blow Robocop?”

“There is one vision that gives me constant happiness, your two enormous breasts.”

Principal: “And who is this lovely lady you have here with you?” Kenny: “Lovely? Her?”

“What did I tell you, put something nice on. You look like a busted Daytona stripper.”

“I’m a bulletproof tiger man!”

“Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless”

“You’re fucking out!” (and the title of Kenny’s audio book “You’re Fucking Out, I’m Fucking In”)

“You named your daughter after fucking Titanic? Haha, what’s this one’s name…Shrek?…guess not”eastbound-down6

“What’s up, Deshauna?”

(when asked by his gym class if he was in rehab because he hurt himself) “Yeah I hurt myself….My nose” (and winks)

(After hugging April) – “Yeah girl, I’m going to have to change my pants. I’m just kidding… I didn’t cum myself”

“I’m not going to stop yelling because that would mean, I lost the fight!”

Interviewer: “So Kenny, how do you like playing in New York?” Kenny: “You mean Jew York…its fucking great.”

“I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad, shit, they’re nothing compared to these fags you got here in San Francisco…haha”

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