Jack Woltz – How to Piss Off the Godfather and Wind Up with a Horse Head in Bed

In light of the attention being given to famed sexist and Anti-Semite, Walt Disney who was called out by Meryl Streep on Tuesday Buzz Pirates would like to recognize the Jack Woltz from The Godfather. He was an obvious characterization of Walt Disney. This scene below has the great Godfather quote “she was the best piece of ass I’ve ever had, and I’ve had them all over the world!” When he refused to cast Johnny Fontane(an obvious characterization of Frank Sinatra) in his new movie…

Who eventually wound up with his prize thoroughbred horse’s head in his bed…

 

15 Best Jack Donaghy Quotes – Alec Baldwin on 30 Rock

30 Rock might be the funniest show on television right now… ok top 5? Well, the best part about it is Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy, the Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming for General Electric and Liz Lemon’s (played by Tina Fey) friend and boss. 30 Rock’s season premiere is tonight and here are his 15 best quotes from the show so far. Are we missing any?

15. C’mon Lemon, what do we elites do when we screw up? We pretend it never happened and give ourselves a giant bonus.

14. “Donaghy saves GE… marries your mom”

13. Jack Donaghy: You have to fire ten percent of your staff.
Liz Lemon: What?
Jack Donaghy: We have to synergize backward overflow.

12. Lemon: “I’m feeling pretty drunk.”
Jack: “Well, it’s business drunk, it’s like rich drunk. Either way, it’s legal to drive.”

11.  Being in a relationship means overlooking certain flaws. I mean, somewhere right now a guy is on a J-Date with Monica Lewinsky. Nobody’s perfect.

10. Jack: Alfredo’s, 2 PM.
Liz Lemon: I’m not dressed for that.
Jack: You’re dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?

9. Jack: One minute you’re newlyweds, making love on the floor of the Concorde. Then, before you know it, your lawyers are arguing over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.
Liz Lemon: You taught your dog to poop in a box?
Jack: Bianca did. But, damn it, I want that box.

8. Jack Donaghy: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.
Frank Rossitano: My client has no memory of that.
Jack Donaghy: I also would have accepted ‘You can’t prove that’s the Governor’s semen’.

7. Jack: I haven’t met your boyfriend.
Liz Lemon: His name’s Floyd.
Jack: That’s unfortunate.

6. Kenneth Parcell: “Oh, uh, no, sir. I don’t vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord’s name!”
Jack: “That’s Republican. We count those.”

5. Jack: I like when a woman has ambition. It’s like seeing a dog wearing clothes.

4. [Jack is in a museum facing a painting, waiting for Liz Lemon to meet him there. Liz appears behind him without announcing her arrival]
Jack: You’ve been avoiding me, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: How do you do that, without turning around?
Jack: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but… here we are.

3. Liz Lemon: Hey Jack, do you treat me any differently because I’m a woman?
Jack Donaghy: Well, I pay you a little less, yes.

2. Jack: “The Italians have a saying, Lemon: ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’ And, although they’ve never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.”

1. Lemon: “Why are you wearing a tux?”
Jack: “It’s after 6. What am I, a farmer?”

Idiocracy Best Quotes

Idiocracy was woefully under appreciated. The movie is a hilarious satirical science fiction comedy, directed by Mike Judge (who made Office Space  and starring Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph and Dax Shepard. Here are some of the choice quotes from the movie.

Frito: Go away! ‘Batin’!


Pvt. Joe Bowers: [addressing Congress] … And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn’t just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again!


Costco Greeter: [Greeting every customer] Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you.


Doctor: [laughs] Right, kick ass. Well, don’t want to sound like a dick or nothin’, but, ah… it says on your chart that you’re fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit’s all retarded. What I’d do, is just like… like… you know, like, you know what I mean, like…


Officer Collins: [addressing military brass] You see, a pimp’s love is very different from that of a square.


Rita: Can you take me there?
[Points at TV where “Monday Night Rehab” is showing]
Frito: [Lifts Rita to TV]
Rita: Not here, you fucking moron – there!
[Points at TV again]


Secretary of State: I’m Secretary of State, brought to you by Carl’s Jr.


[Billboard Ad]: If you don’t smoke Tarryltons… Fuck You!


Doctor: Don’t worry, scrote. There are plenty of ‘tards out there living really kick-ass lives. My first wife was ‘tarded. She’s a pilot now.


Frito: [Acting as Joe’s public defender] It says here you robbed a hospital. Why’d you do that?
Pvt. Joe Bowers: I’m not guilty!
Frito: That’s not what the other lawyer said.


Judge Hank “The Hangman” BMW: Now prosecutor, why you think he done it?
Prosecutor: ‘Kay. Number one your honor, just look at him. And B, we’ve got all this, like, evidence, of how, like, this guy didn’t even pay at the hospital. And I heard that he doesn’t even have his tattoo.
[crowd boos]
Prosecutor: I know! And I’m all, ‘you’ve gotta be shittin’ me!’ But check this out man, judge should be like
[bangs fist on table]
Prosecutor: ‘guilty!’ Peace.


Pvt. Joe Bowers: I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine.
Frito: Oh, that’s easy. You go down by the museum and stuff… It’s like- it’s, like, by the museum… Sorta by… Actually, not really. More like on the street, you go, um… Wait, let me start over. Okay, you know where the time machine is?


Female Reporter: It started off boring and slow with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: ‘Blah blah blah. You gotta believe me!’ That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, ‘Man, whatever! The guy’s guilty as shit! We all know that.’ And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation.


Pvt. Joe Bowers: Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.


Frito: I can’t believe you like money too. We should hang out.
Share this quote


[repeated line]
Frito: I like money.


Pvt. Joe Bowers: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, y’know?
Frito: I don’t really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.


Doctor in Waiting Room: Clevon is lucky to be alive. He attempted to jump a jet ski from a lake into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate. But thanks to advances in stem cell research and the fine work of Doctors Krinsky and Altschuler, he should regain full reproductive function again.
Trashy Guy: [in the background] Get your hands off my junk!


Yuppie Wife: Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack while masturbating to produce sperm for artificial insemination. But I had some eggs frozen, so just as soon as the right guy comes along…


President Camacho: Shit. I know shit’s bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.
South Carolina Representative # 1: That’s what you said last time, dipshit!
South Carolina Representative # 2: Yeah, I got a solution, you’re a dick! South Carolina, what’s up!


Pvt. Joe Bowers: [addressing Congress] There was a time when reading wasn’t just for fags. And neither was writing. People wrote books and movies. Movies with stories, that made you care about whose ass it was and why it was farting. And I believe that time can come again!


Ow! My Balls! Guy: Comin’ up next on The Violence Channel: An all-new “Ow, My Balls!”


Frito: Yah I know this place pretty good, I went to law school here.
Pvt. Joe Bowers: In Costco?
Frito: Yah I couldn’t believe it myself, luckily my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings.


Narrator: The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes the genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources where focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.


Doctor: Why come you got no tattoo?


Narrator: Joe decided that in order to get out of jail, he would have to use his superior diplomacy skills.
Pvt. Joe Bowers: [talking to the prison guard] Hey, uh… I’m actually supposed to be getting out of jail, not going back in…
Prison Guard #2: [hits Joe on the back of the head] You’re supposed to be in that line, dumbass!
[he points to the door]
Prison Guard #2: Hey, guys, let this dumbass out!


Narrator: [Time Masheen starts] We’re gonna take you back, to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world…
Narrator: …But then an even greater force emerged, the U.N.
[pronounced “un”]
Narrator: and the U.N. un-nazied the world – forever.


Pvt. Joe Bowers: Why me? Every time Metsler says, “Lead, follow, or get out of the way,” I get out of the way.
Sgt. Keller: Yeah, when he says that, you’re not supposed to choose “get out of the way.” It’s supposed to embarrass you into leading – or at least following.
Pvt. Joe Bowers: That doesn’t embarrass me.


President Camacho: Now I understand everyone’s shit’s emotional right now. But I’ve got a 3 point plan that’s going to fix EVERYTHING.
Congressman #1: Break it down, Camacho!
President Camacho: Number 1: We’ve got this guy Not Sure. Number 2: He’s got a higher IQ than ANY MAN ALIVE. and Number 3: He’s going to fix EVERYTHING.


Secret Service Thug: Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin’, uh if we’d go family-style on her.


Prison Guard #3: [looks at computer after Not Sure tells him he’s not supposed to be there] uh, well… I don’t see you in here… so, you’re, uh, gonna have to stay in prison.


Officer Collins: [addressing military brass about Rita’s background] We did, however have to come to an arrangement with her pimp. A gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd. Which he spells thusly, with two D’s, as he says, “for a double dose of this pimping”.


IPPA Computer: Welcome to the Identity Processsing Program of Uhmerica! Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle!
[Joe inserts his arm]
IPPA Computer: Thank you! Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card, document G24L8!
Pvt. Joe Bowers: I’m not sure if…
IPPA Computer: You have entered the name “Not Sure.” Is this correct, Not Sure?
Pvt. Joe Bowers: No, it’s not correct…
IPPA Computer: Thank you! “Not” is correct. Is “Sure” correct?
Pvt. Joe Bowers: No, it’s not, my name is Joe…
IPPA Computer: You have already confirmed your first name is “Not.” Please confirm your last name, “Sure.”
Pvt. Joe Bowers: My last name is not “Sure!”
IPPA Computer: Thank you, Not Sure!
Pvt. Joe Bowers: No, what I mean is my name is Joe…
IPPA Computer: Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm!


[cabinet has been debating putting water on the plants instead of Brawndo]
Pvt. Joe Bowers: What *are* these electrolytes? Do you even know?
Secretary of State: They’re… what they use to make Brawndo!
Pvt. Joe Bowers: But *why* do they use them to make Brawndo?
Secretary of Defense: [raises hand after a pause] Because Brawndo’s got electrolytes.


[first lines]
Narrator: As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.


[last lines]
Narrator: Joe and Rita had three children, the three smartest kids in the world. Vice President Frito took 8 wives and had a total of 32 kids. Thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the Earth. OK, so maybe Joe didn’t save mankind, but he got the ball rolling, and that’s pretty good for an average guy.


Narrator: Unaware of what year it was, Joe wandered the streets desperate for help. But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valleygirl, inner-city slang and various grunts. Joe was able to understand them, but when he spoke in an ordinary voice he sounded pompous and faggy to them.


Narrator: The #1 movie in America was called “Ass.” And that’s all it was for 90 minutes. It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.


Rita: You think Einstein walked around thinkin’ everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?
Pvt. Joe Bowers: Yeah. Hadn’t thought of that.
Rita: Now you know why he built that bomb.


Carl’s Jr. Computer: Enjoy your EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES!
Woman at Carl’s Jr.: You didn’t give me no fries, I got an empty box.
Carl’s Jr. Computer: Would you like another EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES?
Woman at Carl’s Jr.: I said I didn’t get any!
Carl’s Jr. Computer: Thank you! Your account has been charged. Your balance is zero. Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.
Woman at Carl’s Jr.: What? Oh no, NO!
[She hits the machine. An alarm goes off, and a sign appears on the computer saying “WARNING! Carl’s Jr. Frowns Upon Vandalism”]
Carl’s Jr. Computer: I’m sorry you’re having trouble. I’m sorry you’re having trouble.
Woman at Carl’s Jr.: Come on! My kids are starvin’!
Carl’s Jr. Computer: [the woman kicks the computer, and it sprays a fast-acting tranquilizer in her face] This should help you calm down. Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. Your kids are starving. Carl’s Jr. believes no child should go hungry. You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl’s Jr. Carl’s Jr… “Fuck You, I’m Eating.”
[Joe approaches the computer]
Carl’s Jr. Computer: Welcome to Carl’s Jr. Would you like to try our EXTRA BIG ASS TACO? Now with more MOLECULES!


Phone Computer: Welcome to AOL Time Warner Taco Bell US Government Long Distance. Please say the name of the person you wish to call.
Rita: Upgrayedd.
Phone Computer: There are 9,726 listings for “Upgrayedd”. Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection.


IPPA Computer: If you have one bucket that contains 2 gallons and another bucket that contains 7 gallons, how many buckets do you have?

Bazinga! Big Bang Theory: Best Sheldon Cooper Quotes!

Hot off Jim Parsons’ Emmy win for his portrayal of Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang Theory, the bang gang is coming back soon for the new season. In celebration, we give you the best quotes of resident genius (and socially awkward) Sheldon Cooper. Hottie Kaley Cuoco will miss a few episodes due to injury but will return soon. In the meantime enjoy our selection for the best Sheldon quotes!

Sheldon: (knocking) Penny! (knocking) Penny! (knocking) Penny!

Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Sheldon: I made tea.
Leonard: I don’t want tea.
Sheldon: I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.
Leonard: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon: It’s a conversation starter.
Leonard: That’s a lousy conversation starter.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.

Sheldon: A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.
Leonard: You really think so?
Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I’ve managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. BAZINGA!

Sheldon: I am not crazy, my mother had me tested.

Leonard: For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
Sheldon (intrigued): You have a sarcasm sign?

Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto that.

Sheldon: You can try, but you’ll never catch me. Bazinga!

Sheldon: Hello Penny. I realize you are currently in the mercy if your primitive biological urges. But, as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?

Sheldon: Are you upset about something?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well there was a number of things. First the late hour, then you demeanors seems very low energy plus your irritability…
Leonard: Yes I’m upset!
Sheldon: Oh… I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard: Yeah good for you.
Sheldon: (walks away and then turns back) Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you?
Leonard: I don’t know… maybe.
Sheldon: Wow! I’m on fire tonight.

Sheldon: You can’t make a half sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.

Sheldon: Oh, Ubuntu. You’re my favorite Linux-based operating system.

Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don’t you think that if I were wrong, I’d know it?

Sheldon: This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
Leonard: Aw, screw the roommate agreement!
Sheldon: No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.

Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen, supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.

Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Thanks for letting me stay here.
Penny: Oh, you’re welcome sweetie.
Sheldon: Okay, I’m sleepy now get out.

Sheldon: A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies “for you, no charge”.

Sheldon: She calls me moon-pie because I’m nummy-nummy and she could eat me up!

Rate this quote:

Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you’ve been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy: If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.

Most Memorable Quotes from Avatar

Selfridge: This is why we’re here; because this little gray rock sells for twenty million a kilo.

Neytiri: You should not be here.

Dr. Grace Augustine: Just relax and let your mind go blank. That shouldn’t be too hard for you.

Jake Sully: Everything is backwards now, like out there is the true world, and in here is the dream.

Col. Quaritch: You haven’t got lost in the woods, have you? You still remember what team you’re playing for?

Neytiri: You are Omaticaya now. You may make your bow from the wood of Hometree. And you may choose a woman. We have many fine women. Ninat is the best singer.
Jake Sully: I don’t want Ninat.
Neytiri: Peyral is a good hunter.
Jake Sully: Yes, she is a good hunter. But I’ve already chosen. But this woman must also choose me.
Neytiri: [smiles] She already has.
[They kiss]

Selfridge: [In the tech room, Selfridge putts a golf ball into a mug and laughs] You see that?
Worker: Yes sir!
Selfridge: No you didn’t, you were looking at the monitor. I love this putter, Ronnie! I love this putter!
Dr. Grace Augustine: Parker. You know, I used to think it was benign neglect, but now I see that you are intentionally screwing me.
Selfridge: Grace, you know, I enjoy our little talks.
[He putts the ball again, it’s about to go in the mug but Grace kicks the mug away]
Dr. Grace Augustine: [Deadpan] Oops.

Jake Sully: There’s no such thing as an ex-marine. You may be out, but you never lose the attitude.

Col. Quaritch: We have an indigenous population of humanoids called the Na’vi.

Dr. Max Patel: Grace, this is Jake Sully.
Jake Sully: Madame.
Dr. Grace Augustine: Yeah, yeah, I know who you are and I don’t need you. I need your brother. You know, the PHD who trained for 3 years for this mission.
Jake Sully: He’s dead. I know it’s a big inconvenience for everyone.
Dr. Grace Augustine: How much lab training have you had?
Jake Sully: I dissected a frog once.

Col. Quaritch: This low gravity makes you soft. You get soft and Pandora will shit you out dead with zero warning.

Col. Quaritch: Look, Sully, I want you to learn this savages from the inside, I want you to gain their trust. I need to know how to force their cooperation or hammer them hard if they won’t.

[Grace is showing pictures of the Na’vi to Jake so he remembers them]
Dr. Grace Augustine: Okay, let’s run through them again.
Jake Sully: [Sees a picture] Mo’at. The Dragon lady.
[Sees next picture]
Jake Sully: Eytukan.
Dr. Grace Augustine: [Says the name correctly] Eytukan. He’s the clan leader. But she’s the spiritual leader. Like a chaman.
Jake Sully: Got it.
[Sees next picture]
Jake Sully: Tsu’tey
Dr. Grace Augustine: [Says the name correctly] Tsu’tey.
Jake Sully: Tsu’tey.
Dr. Grace Augustine: He’ll be the next clan leader.
Jake Sully: [Sees next picture] Neytiri.
Dr. Grace Augustine: She’ll be the next “Tsahik”. They’ll become a mated pair.
Jake Sully: So who’s this Eywa?
Norm Spellman: Who’s Eywa? Only their deity! Their goddess, maker of all living things. Everything they know! You’d know this if you’ve had any training whatsoever.
Jake Sully: [Shows him Neytiri’s picture] Who’s got a date with the chief’s daughter?
Norm Spellman: Oh, come on!

Dr. Grace Augustine: I’m going to Selfridge.
Dr. Max Patel: No, Grace.
Dr. Grace Augustine: I’m going to kick his corporate butt. He has no business sticking his nose in my department.

Col. Quaritch: You are not in Kansas anymore, you are on Pandora, ladies and gentlemen, respect that fact every second of every day.

Dr. Grace Augustine: They’re pissing on us and not even giving us the courtesy of calling it rain.

[last lines]
Jake Sully: Well, uh, I guess this is my last video log. Whatever happens tonight, either way, I’m not going to be coming back to this place. Well, I guess I better go. I don’t wanna be late for my own party. It’s my birthday, after all. This is Jake Sully signing off.

Trudy Chacon: [fires on Quaritch’s Hellicopter] Your’e not the only one with a gun, Bitch!

Jake Sully: They’re not going to give up their home. They’re not going to make a deal. Pff for what? A light beer and blue jeans? There’s nothing that we have that they want. Everything they sent me out here to do is a waste of time. They’re never going to leave hometree.

Jake Sully: With your permission, I will speak now. You would honor me by translating.

Jake Sully: Look, they sent me here to learn your ways. So that one day I could bring this message and that you would believe it.

Jake Sully: Look, at first it was just orders. And then, everything changed. Okay, I fell in love. I fell in love with the, with the forest, with the Omaticaya people, with you. With you.

Dr. Grace Augustine: Don’t play with that. You’ll go blind.

Neytiri: You have a strong heart. No fear… but stupid! Ignorant like a child!

Col. Quaritch: Thanks Jake, I’m gettin all emotional, ‘might just give you a big wet kiss!
Moat: It is hard to fill a cup that is already full.
Jake Sully: My cup is empty. Trust me. Just ask Dr. Augustine. I’m no scientist.
Moat: Then what are you?
Jake Sully: I was a marine. A warrior… of the uh… Jarhead Clan.

Neytiri: I’m with you now, Jake. We are mated for life.
Jake Sully: What the hell are you doing, Jake?

Dr. Grace Augustine: Stay with the ship. One idiot with a gun is enough.

Col. Quaritch: Hey Sully… how does it feel to betray your own race? You think you’re one of them? Time to wake up!

Norm Spellman: Oh… my… God…
Trudy Chacon: [laughs] You should see your faces.

Tsu’tey: YOU!
[pushes Jake, Neytiri exclaims]
Tsu’tey: You mating with this woman?
Dr. Grace Augustine: Oh, shit!

Trudy Chacon: Screw this. I didn’t sign up for this shit!

Dr. Grace Augustine: [Emerging from her avatar pod] Where’s my goddamn cigarette? What’s wrong with this picture!

Jake Sully: The sky people have sent us a message… that they can take whatever they want… and no one can stop them… well we will send them a message… You ride out as fast as the wind can carry you… you tell the other clans to come… You tell them Toruk Mak Tao calls to them… and you fly now with me… my brothers, sisters… And we will show the sky people that they cannot take whatever they want… Because this… this is our land.

Trudy Chacon: I was hoping for some kind of tactical plan that didn’t involve martyrdom.

Selfridge: Isn’t that the whole point of your little puppet show? You walk like them, you talk like them. We build them a school, teach them English, but after how many years the relations with the indigenous are only getting worse.
Dr. Grace Augustine: Yeah, well that tends to happen when you use machine guns on them.

Neytiri: Your ikran must choose you in return.
Jake Sully: How will I know if he chooses me?
Neytiri: He will try to kill you.
Jake Sully: Outstanding.

[repeated line]
Neytiri: I See you.

Col. Quaritch: I take care of my own son. You get me what I need, I make sure that when you rotate home you get your legs back, your real legs.
Jake Sully: That sounds real good sir.

Col. Quaritch: I want this mission high and tight. I want to be home for dinner.

Col. Quaritch: Out beyond that fence every living thing that crawls, flies or squats in the mud wants to kill you and eat your eyes for jujubees.

Col. Quaritch: I can do it with minimal casualties to the indigenous. We’ll clear them out with gas first. It’ll be humane. More or less.

Trudy Chacon: We’re going up against gunships with bows and arrows.
Jake Sully: Well, I guess we better stop him.

Selfridge: Look you’re supposed to be winning the hearts and minds of the natives. Isn’t that the whole point of your little puppet show? If you walk like them, you talk like them they’ll trust you. We build them a school, teach them English. But after – how many years – the relations with the indigenous are only getting worse.
Dr. Grace Augustine: Yeah, well that tends to happen when you use machine guns on them.
Selfridge: Right. Come with me. You see this? This is why we’re here. Because this little gray rock sells for $20 million a kilo. This is what pays for the whole party, and it’s what pays for your science. Those savages are threatening our whole operation. We’re on the brink of war and you’re supposed to be finding me a diplomatic solution. So use what you’ve got, and get me some results

Jake Sully: What are they?
Neytiri: Seed to the Secret tree. Very pure spirits.
Jake Sully: Aha…

Dr. Grace Augustine: What are you gonna do, Ranger Rick? Huh, you gonna shoot me?
Col. Quaritch: I could do that.
Col. Quaritch: If there is a hell you might want to go there for some R&R after a tour on Pandora

Col. Quaritch: As head of security, it’s my job to keep you alive. I will not succeed – not with all of you.

Jake Sully: Sometimes your whole life boils down to one insane move

The Best Quotes From Goodfellas

Check out these Goodfellas Quotes!

Henry Hill: [narrating] As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.

Tommy DeVito: In this day and age, what the fuck is this world coming to? I can’t believe this, prejudice against – a Jew broad – prejudice against Italians.

Morrie: Henry, you’re a good kid, I’ve been good to you, you’ve been good to me. But there’s something really unreasonable going on here. Jimmy’s being an unconsionable ball-breaker. I never agreed to 3 points on top of the vig! Am I something special? Some sort of schmuck on wheels?
Henry Hill: Morrie, please! You borrowed Jimmy’s money, pay him.
Morrie: I never agreed to 3 points on top of the vig! What am I, fuckin nuts? Come on!
Henry Hill: Are you gonna argue with Jimmy Conway? Just give him his money so we can get the fuck outta here!
Morrie: Hey! Fuck ‘em! Fuck ‘em in the ear! What are you talking about? Fuck ‘em in the other ear, that son of a bitch! Did I ever bust his balls? Did I? Did I? I could’ve jumped the dime a million times, and I wouldn’t have to pay tip!
Henry Hill: Come on, Morrie, you’re talking crazy, stop it!
Jimmy Conway: [Grabs telephone cord and chokes Morrie with it, then his wig falls off and Henry starts laughing] You got money for that fuckin commercial. Fuckin’ commercial, you don’t got my money, you don’t got my fuckin money, huh?
Henry Hill: Jimmy, he’ll pay, he’ll pay.
Jimmy Conway: I’ll fuckin kill you, get the money, you fuckin’ cocksucker, you hear me?
[Phone rings]
Jimmy Conway: Pay me my money.
Morrie: Hello? Who’s this? He’s here.
[Gives phone to Henry]
Henry Hill: Jimmy, I’m sorry.
Jimmy Conway: Yeah? You should be sorry. Don’t fuckin do it again and give me the money. Give me the fuckin money, You hear me? You hear me, I gotta come here and you bust my balls? Give me the fuckin money.
Morrie: OK, OK, OK. I’ll pay you kid.

Spider: [hesitating] Why don’t you go fuck yourself, Tommy?
Jimmy Conway: Whoa! Can’t believe what I just heard. Hey Spider, here. This is for you.
[tosses money on the table]
Jimmy Conway: Attaboy! I got respect for this kid. He’s got a lot of fucking balls. Good for you! Don’t take no shit off nobody.
Jimmy Conway: What’s the fuckin’ matter with you? What – what is the fuckin’ matter with you? What are you, stupid or what? Tommy, Tommy, I’m kidding with you. What the fuck are you doin’? What are you, a fuckin’ sick maniac?
Tommy DeVito: How am I meant to know you’re kidding? What you mean, you’re kidding? You breaking my fuckin’ balls?
Jimmy Conway: I’m fuckin’ kidding with you! You fuckin’ shoot the guy?
Henry Hill: He’s dead.
Tommy DeVito: Good shot. What do you want from me? Good shot. Fuckin’ rat anyway. His family’s all rats. He’ll grow up to be a rat.
Jimmy Conway: You stupid bastard, I can’t fuckin’ believe you. Now, you’re gonna dig the fuckin’ thing now. You’re gonna dig the hole. You’re gonna do it. I got no fuckin’ lime. You’re gonna do it.
Tommy DeVito: Who the fuck cares? I’ll dig the fuckin’ hole. I don’t give a fuck. What is it, the first hole I dug? Not the first time I dug a hole. I’ll fuckin’ dig a hole. Where are the shovels?

Pete the Killer: [points] By the way, I took care of that thing for ya

Tommy DeVito: Sure, mom, I settle down with a nice girl every night, then I’m free the next morning.

Henry Hill: You’re a pistol, you’re really funny. You’re really funny.
Tommy DeVito: What do you mean I’m funny?
Henry Hill: It’s funny, you know. It’s a good story, it’s funny, you’re a funny guy.
[laughs]
Tommy DeVito: What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?
Henry Hill: It’s just, you know. You’re just funny, it’s… funny, the way you tell the story and everything.
Tommy DeVito: [it becomes quiet] Funny how? What’s funny about it?
Anthony Stabile: Tommy no, You got it all wrong.
Tommy DeVito: Oh, oh, Anthony. He’s a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Funny how?
Henry Hill: Jus…
Tommy DeVito: What?
Henry Hill: Just… ya know… you’re funny.
Tommy DeVito: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
Henry Hill: Just… you know, how you tell the story, what?
Tommy DeVito: No, no, I don’t know, you said it. How do I know? You said I’m funny. How the fuck am I funny, what the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what’s funny!
Henry Hill: [long pause] Get the fuck out of here, Tommy!
Tommy DeVito: [everyone laughs] Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Henry. You may fold under questioning.

Tommy DeVito: You know Spider, you’re a fuckin’ mumbling stuttering little fuck. You know that?

Spider: I thought you said I was alright Spider?

Tommy DeVito: No more shines, Billy.
Billy Batts: What?
Tommy DeVito: I said, no more shines. Maybe you didn’t hear about it, you’ve been away a long time. They didn’t go up there and tell you. I don’t shine shoes anymore.
Billy Batts: Relax, will ya? Ya flip right out, what’s got into you? I’m breaking your balls a little bit, that’s all. I’m only kidding with ya…
Tommy DeVito: Sometimes you don’t sound like you’re kidding, you know, there’s a lotta people around…
Billy Batts: I’m only kidding with you, we’re having a party, I just came home and I haven’t seen you in a long time and I’m breaking your balls, and you’re getting fucking fresh. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.
Tommy DeVito: I’m sorry too. It’s okay. No problem.
Billy Batts: Okay, salute.
Billy Batts: [takes a drink] Now go home and get your fuckin’ shinebox.
Tommy DeVito: Mother fuckin’ mutt! You, you fucking piece of shit!
Billy Batts: [taunting] Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, come on, come on!
Tommy DeVito: Motherfucking… He bought his fucking button! That fake old tough guy! You bought your fucking button!
Tommy DeVito: You mother fuck… Fuck! Keep that motherfucker here, keep him here!
[leaves]

Henry Hill: [narrating] And when the cops, when they assigned a whole army to stop Jimmy, what’d he do? He made ‘em partners.
Henry Hill: Jimmy was the kind of guy that rooted for bad guys in the movies.
Henry Hill: [narrating] Whenever we needed money, we’d rob the airport. To us, it was better than Citibank.

Henry Hill: [narrating] And then there was Jimmy Two Times, who got that nickname because he said everything twice, like:
Jimmy Two Times: I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers.goodfellas2

Henry Hill: [narrating] Thirty-two hundred dollars he gave me. Thirty-two hundred dollars for a lifetime. It wasn’t even enough to pay for the coffin.

Tommy DeVito: What the fuck are you doing? You’re hanging around my fuckin’ neck like a vulture, like impending danger.

Tommy DeVito: Hey, Spider, that fuckin’ bandage on your foot is bigger than your fuckin’ head.

Morrie: Don’t buy wigs that come off at the wrong time.

Paul Cicero: You know anything about this fucking restaurant business?
[Talking to Henry]
Sonny Bunz: He knows everything about it. I mean he’s in the joint 24 hours a day. I mean another fucking few minutes he could be a stool that’s how often he’s in there.
Henry Hill: [narrating] Now the guy’s got Paulie as a partner. Any problems, he goes to Paulie. Trouble with the bill? He can go to Paulie. Trouble with the cops, deliveries, Tommy, he can call Paulie. But now the guy’s gotta come up with Paulie’s money every week no matter what. Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning huh? Fuck you, pay me.”

Henry Hill: [narrating] When they found Carbone in the meat truck, he was frozen so stiff it took them three days to thaw him out for the autopsy.

Tommy DeVito: What do you want to tell me now, tough guy? I said, “Bing, what are you doing here? I thought I told you to go fuck your mother!”
[group laughs]
Tommy DeVito: I thought he was gonna shit!

Paul Cicero: And Tommy he’s a good kid too. But he’s crazy, he’s a cowboy, he’s got too much to prove. You gotta watch out for kids like this.

Jimmy Conway: I’m not mad, I’m proud of you. You took your first pinch like a man and you learn two great things in your life. Look at me, never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.

Henry Hill: I swear to my fucking mother, if you touch her again, YOU’RE DEAD.

Tommy DeVito: Oh, I like this one… One dog goes one way, the other dog goes the other way, and this guy’s sayin’, “Whadda ya want from me?’ Guy’s got a nice head of white hair, it’s beautiful.
Jimmy Conway: Looks like someone we know.
Tommy DeVito: Oh, my… no, without the beard? Oh, shhhhhh…!
[laughs]

Henry Hill: [narrating] It was revenge for Billy Batts, and a lot of other things. And there was nothing that we could do about it. Batts was a made man, and Tommy wasn’t. And we had to sit still and take it. It was among the Italians. It was real greaseball shit. They even shot Tommy in the face so his mother couldn’t give him an open coffin at the funeral.

Tommy DeVito: What the fuck you looking at? Come on. Make that coffee to go. Let’s go.
Frankie Carbone: [Mumbles something and goes to the door with the coffee pot in his hand]
Tommy DeVito: What the fuck are you doing? It’s a joke! A joke! Put the fucking pot down!

2…2 small onions

Vegas Baby, Vegas – Swingers Quotes

Swingers is a seminal movie for guys of a certain age and marks the emergence of Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau. The movie is so jam packed with memorable quotes and scenes we may have forgotten some… let us know

[on the way to Las Vegas]
Trent: They’re gonna give daddy the Rainman suite, you dig that?
Mike: Do you think we’ll get there by midnight?
Trent: Baby, we’re going to be up five hundy by midnight!
Mike: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!
Trent: Vegas baby! Vegas!
Mike: Vegas!

Trent: Look at this, okay? I want you to remember this face, here. Okay? This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.

Trent: So, what’d you think of that Dorothy girl?
Mike: The whole Judy Garland thing kinda turned me on. Does that make me some kind of fag?
Trent: No, baby, you’re money.

Mike: Trent, the beautiful babies don’t work the midnight to six shift on a Wednesday. This is like the skank shift.

[Trent talks a girl into meeting them later and bringing a friend]
Mike: That was so fucking money. That was like the Jedi mind-shit.

Sue: People get carjacked.
Trent: Who’s gonna carjack your fuckin’ K-Car? He’s right Sue you don’t need to carry a gat!

Mike: How about if I wait six weeks to call. I could tell her I found her number while I was cleaning out my wallet, I can’t remember where we met. I’ll ask her what she looks like and then I’ll ask her if we fucked. How about that? Would that be money?

Mike: So how long do I wait to call?
Trent: A day.
Mike: Tomorrow.
Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.
Trent: Yeah.
Mike: So two days?
Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.
Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.
Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it’s like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?
Sue: Yeah, but two’s enough not to look anxious.
Trent: Yeah, two’s enough not to look anxious. But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you…
Mike: Yeah, but you know what, mabey I’ll wait 3 weeks. How’s that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.
Charles: Then ask her where you met her.
Mike: Yeah, I’ll ask her where I met her. I don’t remember. What does she look like? And then I’ll asked if we fucked. Is that… would that be… T, would that be the money?
Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who’s ready to party.
Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?
Trent, Sue: Six days.

[playing NHL ’94 on Sega Genesis
Trent: I wish they still had fights in this game so I could bitch-slap Wayne.
Mike: What? They don’t have fighting anymore?
Trent: Doesn’t that suck?
Mike: Why’d they get rid of the fighting? It was the best part of the old version.
Sue: I think kids were hittin’ each other or somethin’, man.
Trent: Yeah but you know what, Mike? You can make their heads bleed in this one.
Mike: Make somebody’s head bleed.
Sue: No man, we’re in the playoffs.

Sue: Pause the game.
Trent: Wait I’m gonna do my thing with the thing.

Trent: You know what you are? You’re like a big bear with claws and with fangs…
Sue: …big fucking teeth, man.
Trent: Yeah… big fuckin’ teeth on ya’. And she’s just like this little bunny, who’s just kinda cowering in the corner.
Sue: Shivering.
Trent: Yeah, man just kinda… you know, you got these claws and you’re staring at these claws and your thinking to yourself, and with these claws you’re thinking, “How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?”
Sue: And you’re poking at it, you’re poking at it…
Trent: Yeah, you’re not hurting it. You’re just kinda gently batting the bunny around, you know what I mean? And the bunny’s scared Mike, the bunny’s scared of you, shivering.
Sue: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs…
Trent: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs, man! And you’re looking at your claws and you’re looking at your fangs. And you’re thinking to yourself, you don’t know what to do, man. “I don’t know how to kill the bunny.” With *this* you don’t know how to kill the bunny, do you know what I mean?
Sue: You’re like a big bear, man.
Mike: So you’re not just like fucking with me?
Trent: No I’m not fucking with you.
Sue: Honestly, man.

Trent: Um… a malt Glen Garry for me and my friend here. And if you tell that bartender to go extra easy on the water, this 50 cent piece has your name on it.

Trent: Baby, that was money! Tell me that wasn’t money.
Mike: That was so demeaning.
Trent: She smiled, baby.
Mike: I can’t believe what an asshole you are.
Trent: Did she, or did she not smile.
Mike: She was smiling at what an asshole you are.
Trent: She was smiling at how money I am, baby.

Trent: You’re so money and you don’t even know it!

(calling Nikki)
Mike: Hi, uh, Nikki, this is Mike. I met you at the, um, at the Dresden tonight. I just called to say that I had a great time… and you should call me tomorrow, or in two days, whatever. Anyway, my number is 213-555-4679 –
[the machine beeps]
Mike: [Mike calls back, the machine picks up]
Mike: Hi, Nikki, this is Mike again. I just called cuz it sounded like your machine might’ve cut me off when I, before I finished leaving my number. Anyway, uh, and, y’know, and also, sorry to call so late, but you were still at the Dresden when I left so I knew I’d get your machine. Anyhow, uh, my number’s 21 –
[the machine beeps]
Mike: [Mike calls back; the machine picks up again]
Mike: 213-555-4679. That’s it. I just wanna leave my number. I didn’t want you to think I was weird or desperate, or… we should just hang out and see where it goes cuz it’s nice and, y’know, no expectations. Ok? Thanks a lot. Bye bye.
[hangs up]
Mike: [Mike walks away from the phone… then walks back and calls again; once again, the machine picks up]
Mike: I just got out of a 6-year relationship, Ok? That should help explain why I’m acting so weird. I just wanted you to know that. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m sorry… This is Mike.
[hangs up]
Mike: [Mike calls back, the machine picks up again]
Mike: Hi, Nikki, this is Mike. Could you just call me when you get in? I’m gonna be up for awhile and I’d just rather speak to you in person instead of trying to fit it all into –
[the machine beeps]
Mike: Fuck!
[Mike calls back, gets the machine again]
Mike: Uh, Nikki? Mike. It’s uh, uh, it’s just, uh, this just isn’t working out. I think you’re great, but maybe we should just take some time off from each other. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s what I’m going through, alright? It’s uh… it’s only been 6 months …
Nikki: [picks up] Mike?
Mike: [very cheerful] Nikki? Great! Did you just walk in or were you listening all along?
Nikki: Don’t ever call me again.
[hangs up]
Mike: Wow. I guess you’re home.

Trent: All I do is stare at their mouths and wrinkle my nose, and I turn out to be a sweetheart.

Mike: Hi, how are you ladies doing this evening?
Girl at the Party: What do you drive?

Trent: I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay? You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, Mikey. You’re a bad man, bad man.

Mike: Haven’t you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot.

Mike: You shouldn’t be sorry, you’re a winner. I’m the fucking loser. I’m the one who should be sorry.
Trent: Baby don’t talk that way.
Mike: Can we just go, please, can we go?
Trent: Baby look at me, look at me. You’re money, and you know what else? You’re a big winner tonight.
Mike: I want to leave.
Trent: You’re a big winner. I’m gonna ask you a simple question and I want you to listen to me: who’s the big winner here tonight at the casino? Huh? Mikey, that’s who. Mikey’s the big winner. Mikey wins.

Trent: I’m gonna find me two waitresses here and I’m gonna pull me a Fredo.
Mike: Yeah, well they’re all skanks.
Trent: What are talking about? Look at all the beautiful babies here.
Mike: The beautiful babies don’t work the midnights-to-six on a Wednesday. This is the skank shift.
Trent: Look at all the beautiful honeys here.

Mike: Look, we’re gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party and you’re going to say it sucks and we’re all gonna leave and then we’re gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. I spend half the night talking to some girl who’s looking around the room to see if there’s somebody else who’s more important she should be talking to. And it’s like I’m supposed to be all happy ’cause she’s wearing a backpack, you know? And half of them are just nasty skanks who wouldn’t be nothing except they’re surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. And I’m gonna tell you something . Are you listening?
Trent: Yeah, I’m listening.
Mike: I’m not gonna be one of those assholes. Alright? It just makes me sick. It’s like, some nasty skank who isn’t half the woman my girlfriend is, is gonna front me? It makes me want to fuckin’ puke!

Trent: There’s nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you’re money and that you want to party.

Trent: You take yourself out of the game, you start talking about puppy dogs and ice cream and of course it’s going to end up on the friendship tip.

Charles: This place is dead anyways.

Trent: I’m gonna make Gretzky’s head bleed for super fan 99 over here.

Trent: Our baby’s all grown up.

Sue: Just because I had the balls to stand up to those guys…
Trent: Like fuckin’ House of Pain was gonna do anything?

[Mike, Trent, and Sue are hanging out and Trent and Sue are playing video hockey]
Sue: This is bullshit, such bullshit!
Mike: The Kings suck in this game you should play another team.
Sue: I took the Kings to the cup.
Trent: Yea, against the computer with the offsides off.
Sue: They are a finesse team.
Trent: LA is a fucking bitch team. OOOOHHHHHHH!
[Trent bodychecks one of sue’s players]

Trent: Y’know, it’s not so much me as Roenick; he’s good.

Trent and Sue: Is he cute? Is he a brown man?
Mike: [Mike pays the delivery guy and then tosses the bags of food at Trent and Sue] Eat, eat, you fucking jackals!

Trent: [Getting ready to play video hockey] You ready hip hop? You ready New Kids on the Block?

Trent: Score Chicago!
Sue: Fuck! Such fuckin’ bullshit!
Trent: [Trent hits the instant replay] Now that was pretty Sue…
Sue: Man, don’t do the instant replay thing…
Trent: No way, you said it was fuckin’ bullshit.
Sue: Don’t do the fucking…
Trent: Well that’s why they put the instant replay in the fucking game! So you can see if it’s bullshit!
Sue: You’re unbelieveable.
Trent: Well you know something, I am unbelievable.
Sue: [Trent shoves Sue] Don’t fucking touch me.
Trent: When I’m not here will you practice?

Trent: Hey! What’re you kicking me for? You want me to ask? All right, I’ll ask! Ma’am, where do the high school girls hang out in this town?
Trent: I’m the asshole is this place, right? I’m the asshole? I’m outta here! I’m not eating here… I wouldn’t eat here… I’d never eat here anyway!

Blank

Vassup?! Bruno Quotes

Like it or not, Bruno is the number one movie in a America. Although some of its scenes seem to push the wrong buttons, its undeniable that the movie is filled with funny scenes, memorable lines and outrageous scenarios. Personally I think the movie is a one-trick pony, that reinforces stereotypes versus shattering them. Still, shocking moments in the movie will prove to be memorable for anyone who sees it. We are probably missing a bunch, but here’s some of the best quotes from Bruno. What are we missing?

Bruno: Why are you so anti-Hamas? I mean, isn’t pita bread the real enemy?
Yossi Alpher (ex-Mossad chief): You’re confusing Hamas with hummus, I believe.
Ghassan Khatib (former Palestinian Minister): Do you think there is a relation between Hamas and hummus?
Bruno: Was the founder of Hamas a chef? He had created the food and then got lots of followers.
Alpher: Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas. It’s a food, OK. We eat it. They eat it.
Khatib: It’s vegetarian. It’s healthy. It’s beans.

Harrison Ford: Fuck Off!

Preacher: These lips are for praising Jesus.

Bruno: [drops his pants around his ankles] Whoops!
Ron Paul: This is ended.

Bruno: (Narrating after Ron Paul Leaves) – I couldn’t even get Ru Paul

TV Host: So what’s the baby’s name?
Bruno: I gave him like a traditional African name: O.J.
Female Audience Member: What?!

Drill Sergeant 1: Oh my gosh! You gotta be out of your mind.
Drill Sergeant 2: What kind of belt is that, candidate?
Bruno: D&G.
Drill Sergeant: What is D&G?
Bruno: Dolce & Gabbana, hello
Both Drill Sergeants: Hello?!

Look at the evil people in the world, Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Stalin what do they all have in common? Moustaches!

Do you think if we changed the Bible stories maybe you would get people more easily to relate to them? Instead of the fish story you could do it about Sushi, or instead of giving out bread you did something which had a no-carb alternative or gluten free.

The baby is a man magnet

Drill Sergeant: Your finger’s in my alley!
Bruno: Not yet.

Bruno: [to his hunting partners]: Look at the four of us. We are so like the ‘Sex and the City’ girls.
Donny: No, no, we aren’t, either.
Bruno: Which one are you, Donny?
Donny: I ain’t any one of them. I’m Donny.
Bruno: That is such a Samantha thing to say.

How do you defend yourself against a man with a dildo?  How do you defend yourself against a man with two dildos?

Bruno: How do you defend yourself from an attack by a homosexual?
Martial Arts Instructor: Well, they usually attack from behind.

Ist am going to wear a jumpsuit entirely made out of Velcro.

Your leader looks like a dirty wizard.

Stop Looking at Me Swan! Billy Madison Quotes

Adam Sandler has had several classic funny movies, but it all started with Billy Madison. The absurd humor of Billy Madison is what made it so special. After Billy Madison, came Happy Gilmore and then Adam Sandler blasted to the top with his silly comedies and silly/stupid humor. Billy Madison has a “no rules” type feel to it that makes every silly line seem surprising and unexpected… one of the keys to comedy. Here is a collection of the funniest lines from Billy Madison.

Juanita (the housekeeper): That boy is a fine piece of work… he’s a fine piece of ass though, too!

Shampoo is better, I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really. Stop looking at me, swan.

Suntan lotion is good for me. / You protect me, hee-hee-hee.

[after lighting bag of dog poop on fire and putting it on Old Man Clemens’ porch]
Billy Madison: Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit.
Frank: Shh, here he comes.
Old Man Clemens: Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it’s one of those flaming bags again.
Barbara: Don’t put it out with your boots, Ted.
Old Man Clemens: Don’t tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one’s outta control.
[Old Man Clemens steps on the bag, then lifts up his boot and smells]
Old Man Clemens: Eck, poop again.
Billy Madison: He called the shit “poop”.
[Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh hysterically]
Frank: This is the best night of my life.
[They continue laughing]
Old Man Clemens: I’ll get you damn kids for this. You’re all gonna die.

Brian Madison: You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?
Billy Madison: Oh no, you didn’t.
Brian Madison: Rock? “r-o-k”?
Billy Madison: Yea, so what’s your point?
Brian Madison: r-o-C-k!
Billy Madison: Ohh! The “C” is silent.
Brian Madison: You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes…
Billy Madison: Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank.
[Lifts his shirt to show “FRANK” written on the inside]
Brian Madison: Yea, well whatever, it’s all my fault. I made a mistake.
[Looks up to see Billy lifting his shirt]
Brian Madison: What? Are you some damned moron?

No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I’m here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.

Juanita: Ooh that boy’s a fine piece of work all right. He’s a fine piece of ass though, too.

Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made ‘em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like ‘em sloppy.
Billy Madison: Lady, you’re scaring us.

If peeing your pants is cool, then consider me Miles Davis.

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple “wrong” would’ve done just fine.

Billy Madison: I swear to God I’m sick. I can’t go to school.
Juanita: If you’re gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison: Oh my God. I’ll go to school.
Veronica Vaughn: So what’s it like, being back in school?
Billy Madison: I don’t know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.

Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Carl: I’m sorry.
Eric: Well, “sorry” doesn’t put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl?

Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don’t like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn’t put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy’s gotta think ‘You got a pet. You got a responsibility.’ If your dog gets lost you don’t look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.

O’Doyle rules!

Bus Driver (Chris Farley): I’ll turn this damn bus around! That’ll end your precious field trip pretty damn quick huh! Little shit!
[makes crazy face while face gets red]

How ’bout you Sideburns? You want some of this milk?

T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!

Oh, gross… did you see that guys balls? Yeah… they were weird looking.

Eric: Is he going to have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?
Carl: You know, everyone’s having a good time but you.
[a little  girl trying to reach into Eric’s suit jacket]
Eric: [pushing her away] Spoiled snot. Get outta here!

Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.

Scotty Logan: Mom, that’s Billy. He’s in my class. I heard he’s retarded or something.

Veronica Vaughn: Good morning, class.
Third Grade Class: Good morning, Miss Vaughan.
Veronica Vaughn: We’re going to start today by reading together a short story entitled “My Sister Fanny”.
[the class laughs]
Veronica Vaughn: Quiet. So let’s all open our “Reading Is Fun” books to page sixty nine.
Billy Madison: Sixty nine!
[laughs]

Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.
Billy Madison: No, you don’t.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her *got it on*. Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison: No, they didn’t.
Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn’t. But you could imagine what it’d be like if they did, right…? Everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.
[shouts]
Bus Driver: No yelling on the bus!

Best Borat Quotes – Jagshemash!

With Bruno ready to hit theaters this week, what better time to look back at Sasha Baron Cohen’s other masterpiece of shock/reality comedy. There are tons of classic lines in Borat. The full name of the movie – Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan is a mouthful. Here are the best quotes from Borat, we’ll see if Bruno can top Borat in funny lines as well as box office success.

Home in Kazakhstan:

Although Kazakhstan a glorious country, it have a problem, too: economic, social, and Jew.

He is my neighbor Nushuktan Tulyiagby. He is pain in my assholes. I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a clock radio, he cannot afford. Great success!

Go, kids! Smash the Jew chick before he hatches!

There lives Nursultan Tulyakbay. He’s still asshole. I get iPod, he only get iPod Mini. Everybody know it for girls!

This is my mother. She oldest woman in village. She 43!

This is Natalya. (Kisses her). She is my sister. She is number-four prostitute in whole of Kazakhstan. Niice!

Sometime my sister, she show her vazhïn to my brother Bilo and say “You will never get this you will never get it la la la la la la.” He behind his cage. He cries, he cries and everybody laughs. She goes “You never get this.” But one time he break cage and he “get this” and then we all laugh. High five!
Kickin’ it in Atlanta:

Atlanta Kid: What kinda music you listen to?
Borat: I uh like a very much Korki Buchek you know Korki Buchek? Bing-Bang-Bing-Bang-Bing-dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click* *click-click* Bing-Bang-Bing-Bang-Bing-dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click*

What’s up with it, Vanilla face? Me and my homie Azamat just parked our slab outside. We’re looking for somewhere to post up our Black asses for the night. So, uh, bang bang, skeet skeet, nigga. Just a couple of pimps, no hos.

Dealing with Gypsy:

Gypsy, who is this woman you have shrunk?

I will look on your treasures, gypsy. Is this understood?

Buying a Car:

Borat  What kind of car can I buy that attract woman with shaved vazhïn?
Car Dealership owner: That would be a Corvette. Or a Hummer.
Borat: I want to have a car that attract a woman with shave down below.
Car Dealership owner: Well that would be a Corvette. Or a Hummer.
Car Dealership owner: We’ll try to help you out here.
Borat: A man yesterday, tell me if I buy a car I must buy one with a pussy magnet.
Car Dealership owner: He means a car that women like.
Borat: Yes, but where do you keep this magnet?
Car Dealership owner: [interrupts] No. There’s no magnet he just means the vehicle. Women love the Hummers.
Borat: Do this have a pussy magnet?
Car Dealership owner: No. The vehicle itself would be a magnet.
Borat: If I give you good price, will you please put in pussy magnet?
Car Dealership owner: Yeah but there’s no-there’s no such thing in this country as a-as a magnet.
Borat: If this car drive into a group of gypsies, will there be any damage to the car?
Car Dealership owner: It depends on how hard you hit them and all that.
Borat: *Hard*
Car Dealership owner: You might-if somebody rolls on the windshield, they could crack your windshield.
Borat: How fast do I need to go to guarantee I kill them?
Car Dealership owner: Uh-let me tell you something with this vehicle here probably doing 35-45 miles per hour will do it.
Borat: Great! When I uh, buy my wife, at the start she was uh, cook good, her vazhïn work well, and she strong on plow. But after three years when she was fifteen, then she become weak, her voice become deep: BORAT BORAT, eh, she receive hair on chest, and vazhïn hang like sleeve of wizard.
Car Dealership owner: Huh-Jesus…
Borat: How do I know that this will not happen with the car?
Car Dealership owner: Chevrolette guarantees you that with a warranty.
Borat: I like-a very much buy this Hummers, how much is it?
Car Dealership owner: Fifty-two thousand.
Borat: I am looking for something between um, six-hundred to uh… six-hundred and fifty dollars.
Car Dealership owner: We don’t have any cars for six-fifty that you can buy. I might be able to sell you a wholesale car, a car with a lot of miles for seven-hundred with no warranty.

Driving Lesson:

Borat:Look, there is a woman in a car! Can we follow her and maybe make a sexy time with her?
Driving Instructor: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Borat: A-why not?
Driving Instructor: Because a woman has the right to choose who she has sex with.
Borat: WHAT…? You joke?
Driving Instructor: It must be consensual. How ’bout that?
Borat: [turns to Instructor, pauses] Ahahahahaha!
Driving Instructor: That’s good, huh?
Borat: [pause] Is not good for me.

Borat: Who is this car that follow us? I wish it didn’t follow us anymore.
Driving Instructor: Oh, I don’t know.
Borat: Maybe we lose them.
Driving Instructor: No, we better not lose them.
Borat: [yelling at the passing car] Hey, don’t look at me. Eat my tits!
Driving Instructor: All right. We’ll make a right turn up here.
Borat: Don’t look at me like that! I will eat your shit.
Driving Instructor: Hey, don’t do that.
Borat: You fuck my mother.
Driving Instructor: Hey, hey. You can’t do that.
Borat: No, he do before. He look on me.
Driving Instructor: You can’t do that, okay? They’re gonna throw us in jail, me with you. You can’t…
Borat: Why in jail? He look on me- la-la-la behind.
Driving Instructor: You can’t say that.

Borat: I like you, do you like me?
Driving Instructor: Of course I like you.
Borat: You are my friend?
Driving Instructor: You’re a nice young man and, yes, I am your friend.
Borat: You will be my boyfriend?
Driving Instructor: No, I won’t be your boyfriend.
Borat: Why not?
Driving Instructor: Okay, yeah, I guess I can be your boyfriend.

At Rodeo:

My name i’ Borat, I come a-from Kazakhstan. Can I say a-first, we support your war of terror.
May we show our support for our boys in Iraq.
May U.S. and they a-kill every single terrorist.
May a-George Bush a-drink the blood of every single man, woman, and child of Iraq.
May you destroy their country so that for the next thousand years not even a single lizard will survive in their desert.

May George Bush drink the blood of every man, woman, and child in Iraq!

Learning About the United States:

You telling me the man who try to put a rubber fist in my anus was a homosexual?

He insist we not fly in case the Jews repeated their attack of 9/11.

I arrived in America’s airport with clothing, US dollars, and a jar of gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS.

I feel like American movie star Dirty Harold…Go ahead, make my day, Jew…

This suit is NOT BLACK!

Loving Pam Anderson:

The only thing keeping me going was my dream of one day holding Pamela in my arms and making romance explosion on her stomach.

This C.J. was like no Kazakh woman I have ever seen. She had golden hairs, teeth as white as pearls, and the asshole of a seven-year-old. For the first time in my lifes, I was in love.

Sadly, I cannot go after Pamela or else my wife will snap off my cock.

Pamela, I am no longer attracted to you… NOT!