Author Archives: Matt

What’s in a Name? The 15 Most Outrageous Real Names of Famous People

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Guess I’ve always had a bit of a fascination with names. Especially interesting names. My name is not interesting…Matt. To be more specific, I’ve always had a fascination with people who have had to…or chosen to…change their names. There is quite a litany of famous people who have altered their moniker in an attempt to sound less Jewish, Italian, or whatever. Here is a perfunctory list of some of my favorites. Enjoy.

15. Alan Alda – born Alphonso Joseph D’Abruzzo. Maybe back in the day it was uncool to have such an Italian sounding name, but now…I want to claim this name as my own. Does it work like website domain names? Can I just buy it from him?

14. Hal Linden – born Harold Lipshitz. I really cannot question his decision here.

13. Englebert Humperdink – Born Arnold Dorsey. This one is odd for 2 reasons…first, there already existed a German composer with the name Englebert Humperdink (for real)…second, who the hell would change their name TO Englebert Humperdink?!!

12. Me’Shell Ndegeocello – Born Michelle Lynn Johnson. Maybe there is something way too mundane about the Johnson surname, I don’t know…certainly her new name is infinitely more recognizable, but without sounding crass, I assume most people cannot pronounce it, so simply refer to her as that bald black chic who sang with John Mellencamp.

11. Whoopi Goldberg – born Caryn Johnson.  I suppose she didn’t experience enough bigotry as a black woman, so she had to saddle herself with a jewish last name.  The only thing left is to convert to Islam.

10. Enya – Born Eithne Patricia Ni Bhraonain. How bout those whacky Celtic/Welsh names?! Really…check out some of those letter combos in her last name. Yet, something tells me, that whole long name is still pronounced just ‘Enya’.

9. George Michael – Born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou. Rumor has it Michael’s seminal hit “I Want Your Sex” was originally titled “I Want Your Souvlaki & Babaganoush”.

8. Mother Teresa – Born Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu. No I didn’t just mash my hand on the keyboard, that’s her real name. She actually went by her birth name for many years, but in 1963 she was being nominated for a prestigious Amnesty International award when founder Peter Beneson remarked “Mother Teresa!!! What a fucked up name! You from planet Xoranx or some shit?!” From then on, the name Mother Teresa stuck.

7. Jackie Mason – Born Yacov Moshe Maza. I really dig this name actually. Say it really fast and it sounds like something you can order at a sushi restaurant.

6. Ted Knight – Born Tadeusz Wladyslaw Konopka. Another one I really dig. It just flows off your tongue.

5. Joseph Stalin – Born Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili. For such a brutal dictator, Joseph Stalin just doesn’t cut it in the name department. Would you be intimidated by someone named Blair Bruce? Iosif Vissaarionovich Dzhugashvili makes me want to puke up my Lapsha in terror.

4. Rudolph Valentino - Born Rodolfo Alfonso Raffaello Piero Filiberto Guglielmi. Valentino may have been the ultimate heartthrob already, but there is no possible way on Earth that a woman wouldn’t want to sleep with a man named Rodolfo Alfonso Raffaello Piero Filiberto Guglielmi. Ive tried it…it works. “Hi…my name is Cindy, what’s your name?” you…”Rodolfo Alfonso Raffaello Piero Filiberto Guglielmi” Cindy…”Shall we have sexual intercourse at my place or yours?”

The last 3 are almost too good to be true. But why would Wikipedia lie? I cannot even conjure up appropriate witty commentary…it wouldn’t do the names justice.

3. Brian Eno – Born Brian Peter George St. John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno.

2. Dikembe Mutombo – Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutumbo.
And the coup de grace…

1. Charo – Maria Rosario Pilar Martinez Molina Moquiere de les Esperades Santa Ana Romanguera y de la Najosa Rasten.

This article was contributed by guest writer Matt.

Presidential Firsts

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In honor of Barack Obama becoming the first African American elected to the White House, we at Buzz Pirates feel obligated to relive other presidential firsts throughout American history.

April 30, 1789 - Within 4 minutes of being sworn in as the 1st president George Washington abuses hispower as the leader of the free world by immediately appointing himself Vice-president, Secretary of State, Secretary of War, Ombudsman, Exchequer, Viscount, Duke of Awesomeness, & P-Dog Pimp of Pennsylvania Ave. The first in a long line of rich white men imbued with an exaggerated sense of omnipotence that would eventually extend to Mr. Obama…our first rich black man with an exaggerated sense of omnipotence.

August 22, 1805 – Thomas Jefferson becomes the first president to realize the non-gustatory benefit of “brown sugar”. He was known to remark “methinks that slave doth provide a posterior of adequate qualitie”

January 16, 1834 – In a moment of innovative exuberance but poor foresight, Martin Van Buren becomes the first president to have his face adorn coin currency. Unfortunately this involved literally pressing his face into a large disk of molten hot metal. Only one of these coins was ever minted.

April 4, 1841 – William Henry Harrison becomes the first president to die in office 30 days after his inauguration. Since early drafts of the constitution assumed that our omnipotent rich white men would live forever, a contingency plan was needed, but it took time. So, while relief president John Tyler was warming up in the bullpen, Harrison also became the first president to govern while dead.

March 4, 1861 – Abraham Lincoln becomes our first homosexual president…end of story.

October 12, 1879 – Rutherford B. Hayes became the first president to suggest that Martin Luther King’s Birthday be made a national holiday. Of course considering this was 50 years before King was actually born, people were not very receptive. Other ideas of his that were given only lukewarm reception: giving official statehood to the moon, mandatory naked Fridays at the office, and public funding for peanut butter flying saucer elephants.

March 4, 1893 – Grover Cleveland becomes the first president to serve a second non-consecutive term. Cleveland convinced the American people that he just needed to pick up a few items that he left behind from the first term. Postmaster General Wilson Bissell distinctly overheard Cleveland mumble “suckers” under his breath. But payback is a bitch, and we’ve immortalized Cleveland’s legacy by naming a grungy New Jersey Turnpike rest stop and a grotesque blue muppet after him.

1909 – 3 minutes after the Oval office was constructed William Howard Taft became the first president to violate an intern in the office with a common household object….it was a spatula embossed with the presidential seal and the quote “Hail to The Chef.” Interestingly, Taft also holds the presidential record for firsts. He was the first:

* To become a Supreme Court justice after his term in office
* To throw out the first ceremonial first pitch at a baseball game
* To eat the first ceremonial buffalo at a buffalo eating contest.
* To pat his head and rub his stomach simultaneously while violating an intern
* To envision a foreign dignitary’s head as a giant cartoon ham hock

1932 - Franklin Roosevelt is widely believed to be the first president bound to a wheelchair. This is a half truth. FDR was placed in a wheelchair as a shrewd political strategy to sway the coveted “Cripple Belt” of the Southeastern US during the 1932 election. In reality, FDR was a world class jumpist who double majored in kicking and deep knee bends in college.

January 1947 – Harry Truman delivers the first televised state of the union address. Initially apprehensive, Truman quickly warms up to the idea of being in front of the camera, and especially, warms up to the idea of being in make-up and becoming a “superstar”. Eventually he would be found prancing around the Rose Garden in full drag and posing for his millions of adoring fans. All the while shouting his famous lines, “The buck stops here…darling!” and “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen… because it’s murder on your skin!”

September 21, 1981 – In what political pundit William F. Buckley called “a truly Rutherford B. Hayesian maneuver”, Ronald Reagan appoints Sandra Day O’Connor as the first female Supreme Court justice. Although admired for his trailblazing choice of a woman to sit on the highest court in the land, Reagan later admitted that his choice was accidental, a result of hallucinations caused by excessive use of the hair dye red #2.

January, 1993 – “Slick Willy” Bill Clinton authorizes the use of the first Cabinet “Casting Couch” in order to score, in his words, some “righteous poon”. The endeavor is moderately successful with Janet Reno getting Attorney General, Donna Shalala landing Secretary of Health & Human Services, & Warren Christopher scooping up Secretary of State.

2000-2008 – George W. Bush became the first president to actually make America a less livable place than Botswana.

Submitted by guest writer Matt