10 Questions Reporters Should Have Asked Derek Jeter After His Last Game at Yankee Stadium

Last night future hall of famer Derek Jeter played baseball for the last time ever in Yankee Stadium. It was an emotional game that the finest Hollywood screenwriters could not have scripted better, with Jeter hitting a walk-off game winning hit to the opposite field in the bottom of the ninth. His career at Yankee stadium ended perfectly – doing exactly what we have loved watching him do for the last 20 years. Derek, who is renowned for his professionalism and ability to keep his emotions under control, fielded questions from reporters in a press conference after the game. He told reporters “I’d probably be losing it right now. You guys are just asking the wrong questions”. So in honor of the Yankee Captain’s retirement, we proudly present the 10 Questions that reporters SHOULD have asked Mr. Jeter.

1. They say a man is known for the company he keeps. How does it feel to have a permanent seat upon the alter of Baseball’s Cathedral among legends Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle, DiMaggio, and Berra?

2. You will never again hear Bob Sheppard’s famous voice echoing “Now batting for the Yankees…number two….Derek Jeter….number two” in a regulation game. Do you have a recording of that at home and will you listen to it?

3. The New York Times estimates that you have swung the bat 342,000 times in practice or in games. While impressive, this number is minuscule compared to the number of people you’ve influenced or inspired. For 20 years, 2745 games, every game you’ve played in NY, across the country, or around the world, countless fans cherished the opportunity to watch you play. How does it feel to know that for each and every single time you have swung a baseball bat during your career, you have influenced the lives of thousands of people?

4. What will go through your mind the next time you drive under the subway down River Ave. and look up to see Yankee Stadium for the first time as fan and not a player?

5. Your exemplary career has always been held in high regard by the media (which is especially remarkable in NY) and by the Yankees organization. If George Steinbrenner was here today, what would he say after the dramatic ending of your career at Yankee Stadium?

6. Your dedication and professionalism has made you just as famous off the field as your performance on the field. How does it feel to honored as one of the greatest professional athletes in ANY sport….not just by fans, but by peers in the NFL, NHL, NBA, and organizations and celebrities around the globe…. even God?

7. Several years from now, an all-star shortstop for the New York Yankees will ritualistically bless a sign hanging in the Yankee clubhouse before every game with a quote from Derek Jeter. What will it say?
I want to thank the good lord for making me a Yankee

8. How does it make you feel to know that the next time you hold a #2 Yankee jersey will probably be when they hang it next to #6 in Monument Park?

9. What words of wisdom will you give the next Yankee Captain who, without your influence, might have never played baseball past 3rd grade?

Image via The New York Post

10. Your character has already earned you a place in Heaven. Your contribution to baseball will immortalize you for eternity among the Ghosts of Yankee Stadium. Which one do you choose? (we’ll let this one slide and go with “both”)!

On behalf of fans around the world, we thank you Derek Jeter for 20 years of dedication and inspiration. The game of baseball is better because of you.

What would you ask? Leave your question in the comments below and share this post!

Our WordPress Blog was Hacked!

The Buzz Pirates would like to extend our sincerest apologies to any of our readers who visited the site today (May 7, 2010) and received those awful popup messages warning you that your computer was infected and asking you to install malicious software. Our blog runs on the WordPress platform and apparently it was hacked to include that malicious code.

Our site has been disinfected and is now back up and running. We apologize for any inconvenience.

As a general reminder while you are surfing the web….NEVER click on the OK button when you get a dialog asking you to run an .EXE file unless you are absolutely sure what it is. Your safest bet is to just hit ESC and close the browser window right away.

For those of you out there that run your own WordPress blog, a stay tuned for a link to the awesome script we used to clean our site.

A Fly Landed On My Droid and the Screen Cracked

Droid Cracked Screen

I just spent the last week telling the world how much I loved my new Motorola Droid phone. What the hell was I thinking. I should have known better than to trust a device from Motorola. Those chumps haven’t made anything good since the beeper. All it took was a small fall from my sofa to the floor…a mere 2 feet…and now my screen is more cracked than Whitney Houston.

It all happened in slow motion. Slowly it started falling off the sofa, inch by inch. I reached for it and felt it sliding past the tips of my fingers. It hovered in the air between the sofa cushion and the floor for what seemed like an eternity. Then it hit. I thought it was ok…for a second. Then I saw the crack. Then another. Then another. The screen of my brand new Droid started splintering like thin sheet of ice.

Come on! 2 feet? Are you kidding me? I could understand if I dropped it on hard concrete. Even then I would expect it to stand up to a fall or two. But no…my droid lasted a mere 6 days and fell victim to a gentle breeze.

Now that I think about it, there were a few other things that I didn’t like about the Droid.

  • The querty keyboard is nothing more than a waste of space. Its impossible to type anything on the top row because my fingers hit the edge of the screen
  • The camera sucks. But apparently that is well documented
  • The battery cover always falls off
  • The volume always changes unintentionally

Even Verizon Wireless admins there are tons of problems with the Droid. They are planning an over the air update to the application software on December 11th. Well they better not give me a hard time when I return my piece of shit at the Verizon store tomorrow.

If you ask me, the software was the only good part of the Droid. The user experience was awesome. The apps are awesome. The maps are awesome. Hmm….in other words, everything Google was awesome. Do you hear that Motorola? Listen up and fix your piece of shit device. And you better replace my Droid assholes.

UPDATE: So Verizon Wireless was pretty good about replacing my phone. I called the internet orders hotline and they told me they would charge me full price ($579) for the phone, but if I took it into a store, they will probably exchange it. Sure enough my local Verizon store came through. I did have to pay a $50 “return fee”. But oh well. They also stuck me for a body glove and screen guards. So I guess they got what they needed outta me. I still think Motorola makes a shitty piece of hardware. But I am glad to have my Droid back.

The Origins of 420 and Earth Day

Pot LeafToday is 4/20. Remove the slash and you’ve got a term more important to stoners than any other combination of characters in the english language. For those of you who are pot-illiterate, “420” is a term used to describe the consumption (or should I say inhalation) of marijuana.

It is often used as a code word to mask discussions of weed from the oblivious. For example, if the term “420-Friendly” appears on an ad for a college roommate, that translates to “I am looking for a roommate who smokes pot.” If a gym teacher overhears a high school punk whisper “dude…is it 420 yet?” to his loser friend, that translates to “Hi friend…are you ready to go get high in the bathroom?”.

Louis PasteurThere are many rumors surrounding the origins of 420. Some people claim it is the police code in many cities for crimes related to marijuana. Others state that back in the late seventies, the Grateful Dead would always play at 4:30. The fans would therefore meet at 4:20 to “prepare”. In reality, the term 420 was coined by a group of teenagers at San Rafael High School in California who used to meet at the statue of Louis Pasteur everyday at 4:20 pm to get high. Somehow it spread across the country.

Ironically, 4/20 as in the date April 20th, also signifies the start of Earth Week. It just goes to show you that the only people that care about preserving Mother Earth is a bunch of pot smoking hippies. I’m sorry folks, but sitting in a circle and playing hacky sack is not going to save this planet.

Hacky Sack

Randy Bailey – Buzz Pirates’ Douche of the Day

doucheWhen Randy Bailey, the 49 year-old wedding videographer from Eagle Rock, Missouri, became the eleventh person voted out SURVIVOR: GABON a few weeks ago, we were a little disappointed. Not because we like Randy, mind you, but because we felt like it was a missed opportunity for us to dish out a little character pillaging Buzz Pirates’ style. But lo and behold, Randy comes through for us once again by appearing in last night’s tribal council in what was, no doubt, a drunken mishap with a pair of clippers. Randy Bailey – for your ridiculous mohawk and non stop arrogant prickiness all season long – YOU are Buzz Pirates’ Douche of the Day.

Randy Mohawk Douche

There are many theories out there about why he decided to shave his head into a mohawk. Did he want to show Crystal he wasn’t a bigot by donning the Mr. T. look? Perhaps he lost a bet to Charlie about whether Marcus is really gay or not. These are distinct possibilities, but our guess is it went some down something like this….

Upon leaving tribal council after being voted off of Survivor: Gabon, Randy was ushered into the medical tent where he immediately tackled the doctor for medical supplies and began chugging rubbing alcohol. Relieved to have a small buzz, Randy prepared to enjoy the easy life of Survivor Ponderosa, and began to drink Africa dry of its supply of Heineken. Anxious to have another boy in the group, Charlie and Marcus where happy to cook breakfast for Randy and exercized half naked while Randy slammed beers. After his 15th beer, Randy busted into the bedroom, and interrupted Charlie and Marcus shaving each others backs, grabbed the clippers and yelled “See…I like gays you stupid bitches” and proceeded to shave the sides of his head.

Video clips of these events can be seen here. Obviously, they have been editted for television. However, two things are blantantly clear…Randy is loving his Heineken, and is happy to have his boy toys. What a douche.

randy beer gay

Greatest Craigslist Ad Ever Written

Craigslist Peace
The following is an actual ad written on Craiglist on July 22, 2008. It is the best ad we’ve ever seen so we thought we’d share it with the world.

Manly Bike for Sale

What kind of bike? I don’t know, I’m not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you’re way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan’s mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying “FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME”.

The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that’s bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you’re going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re probably a dickless lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you’re going to love this thing because it doesn’t try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I’ve topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you’re just a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 – Sissy Gear
Gear 2 – Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 – Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 – Boy Gear
Gear 5 – Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 – Manly Gear
Gear 7 – Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull’s testicles and tells people you don’t fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves “Hey asshole, touch this bike and I’ll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four”.

Bike is for 150 OBO (and don’t give me no panzy prices)

9 Reasons Daniel Craig is the Worst James Bond Ever

Quantum of Solace, the newest James Bond movie staring Daniel Craig, is set to open next Friday and I can’t say I am very excited about it. After countless hours devoted James Bond Marathons on TNT instead of studying for final exams, I have grown quite fond of 007. I have loved every movie from the original Dr. No with the grandaddy of spies, Sean Connery to Die Another Day with the slick Pierce Brosnan. However, Daniel Craig as James Bond just doesn’t do it for me. Daniel Craig is a very good actor, and the movie is probably very good. I’d probably love it if it was called “Bob Smith the Angry Spy”. Daniel Craig just does not fit the 007 mold. Here are 9 reasons why Daniel Craig is the Worst James Bond Ever.

9. James Bond is awesome. Everyone knows the martini shaking, bullet dodging, womanizing ways of 007. Even when Timothy Dalton played the title character, James Bond was still awesome. Yet Daniel Craig feels the need to “redefine the character”. He tells Playboy magazine, “I wanted to play around with the flaws in his character. It was much more interesting than having him be perfect and polished.” Hey Danny boy, why mess with perfection? If we wanted to see a different spy, we’d go watch Jason Bourne.

Superman Returns Sucks
8. To Daniel Craig’s credit, its not just his fault. Its really the writers and the directors. They decided to take James Bond in “another direction” and reinvent the character. I ask…no, I beg them…WHY?!!!! We liked James Bond the way he was. Why did you feel the need to do the same thing every Superhero movie has done in the last two years and remake a classic awesome movie with a shitty movie with lots of references to the original awesome movie (eh hem….Superman Returns [gag]).

7. James Bond should rival Chuck Norris is in his Awesomeness. Daniel Craig, on the other hand gets his heart broken by a chick. Quantum of Solace focuses on Bond’s revenge over the betrayal of the woman he loved. Does that sound like James Bond to you? Ian must be Flemming in his grave! See the difference for yourself…check out the comparison between this Quantum of Solace clip and the Die Another Day trailer (featuring one of the best 007’s ever – Pierce Brosnan).

6. Don’t listen to what they tell you kids – smoking is cool…if you’re James Bond. Daniel Craig thinks James Bond should quit. Wus.

5. Daniel Craig doesn’t look like he can handle a Martini. He looks more like a Budweiser guy. Although in the clip above, he does drink white wine.

4. Complex plans of world domination are replaced by 45 minute chase scenes. Explosions are cool and all, but where’s the story, the dialog, and the character development? The UK Guardian writes in their early review of the film “I was disappointed there was so little dialogue, flirtation and characterization in this Bond: Forster and his writers Paul Haggis, Neal Purvis and Robert Wade clearly thought this sort of sissy nonsense has to be cut out in favor of explosions.”

3. Where’s the cheesy spy music? Just because Dark Knight didn’t have the “Na na na na na Batman!” song, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hear “doo doo, dooo doo” when James Bond stumbles upon a naked chick while sneaking around the enemy’s lair.

2. He wants to quit. Daniel Craig does not want to do the next Bond movie. Yeah…you know you’re not 007 material, don’t you Daniel? Interestingly enough, Quantum of Solace director Marc Foster, also recently announced that he is passing on the next Bond film. Hopefully Quantum of Solace and the most recent Casino Royale will end up being mere hiccups in the celebrated history of awesome bond films.

1. He doesn’t even say “Bond…James Bond” !!!! WTF? The line has been cut from the film. This is an outright travesty. For this reason alone, how can they justify this as an “Ian Fleming’s 007” movie? Perhaps a more fitting title would be “James Bond…Returns?”

See for your self…check out Quantum of Solace on iTunes.
Apple iTunes