Why the world will end in 2012 according to the Mayan Calendar
2012 End of the World
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Author Archives: Jeff
Our WordPress Blog was Hacked!
The Buzz Pirates would like to extend our sincerest apologies to any of our readers who visited the site today (May 7, 2010) and received those awful popup messages warning you that your computer was infected and asking you to install malicious software. Our blog runs on the WordPress platform and apparently it was hacked to include that malicious code.
Our site has been disinfected and is now back up and running. We apologize for any inconvenience.
As a general reminder while you are surfing the web….NEVER click on the OK button when you get a dialog asking you to run an .EXE file unless you are absolutely sure what it is. Your safest bet is to just hit ESC and close the browser window right away.
For those of you out there that run your own WordPress blog, a stay tuned for a link to the awesome script we used to clean our site.
A Fly Landed On My Droid and the Screen Cracked
I just spent the last week telling the world how much I loved my new Motorola Droid phone. What the hell was I thinking. I should have known better than to trust a device from Motorola. Those chumps haven’t made anything good since the beeper. All it took was a small fall from my sofa to the floor…a mere 2 feet…and now my screen is more cracked than Whitney Houston.
It all happened in slow motion. Slowly it started falling off the sofa, inch by inch. I reached for it and felt it sliding past the tips of my fingers. It hovered in the air between the sofa cushion and the floor for what seemed like an eternity. Then it hit. I thought it was ok…for a second. Then I saw the crack. Then another. Then another. The screen of my brand new Droid started splintering like thin sheet of ice.
Come on! 2 feet? Are you kidding me? I could understand if I dropped it on hard concrete. Even then I would expect it to stand up to a fall or two. But no…my droid lasted a mere 6 days and fell victim to a gentle breeze.
Now that I think about it, there were a few other things that I didn’t like about the Droid.
- The querty keyboard is nothing more than a waste of space. Its impossible to type anything on the top row because my fingers hit the edge of the screen
- The camera sucks. But apparently that is well documented
- The battery cover always falls off
- The volume always changes unintentionally
Even Verizon Wireless admins there are tons of problems with the Droid. They are planning an over the air update to the application software on December 11th. Well they better not give me a hard time when I return my piece of shit at the Verizon store tomorrow.
If you ask me, the software was the only good part of the Droid. The user experience was awesome. The apps are awesome. The maps are awesome. Hmm….in other words, everything Google was awesome. Do you hear that Motorola? Listen up and fix your piece of shit device. And you better replace my Droid assholes.
UPDATE: So Verizon Wireless was pretty good about replacing my phone. I called the internet orders hotline and they told me they would charge me full price ($579) for the phone, but if I took it into a store, they will probably exchange it. Sure enough my local Verizon store came through. I did have to pay a $50 “return fee”. But oh well. They also stuck me for a body glove and screen guards. So I guess they got what they needed outta me. I still think Motorola makes a shitty piece of hardware. But I am glad to have my Droid back.
Happy Mother’s Day from Justin Timberlake and Andy Sandberg
From the duo that brought you “Jizz In My Pants” and “Dick in a Box”, JT and Andy deliver another classic showing how to “take care” of a needy mother with a Motherlover.
The Origins of 420 and Earth Day
Today is 4/20. Remove the slash and you’ve got a term more important to stoners than any other combination of characters in the english language. For those of you who are pot-illiterate, “420″ is a term used to describe the consumption (or should I say inhalation) of marijuana.
It is often used as a code word to mask discussions of weed from the oblivious. For example, if the term “420-Friendly” appears on an ad for a college roommate, that translates to “I am looking for a roommate who smokes pot.” If a gym teacher overhears a high school punk whisper “dude…is it 420 yet?” to his loser friend, that translates to “Hi friend…are you ready to go get high in the bathroom?”.
There are many rumors surrounding the origins of 420. Some people claim it is the police code in many cities for crimes related to marijuana. Others state that back in the late seventies, the Grateful Dead would always play at 4:30. The fans would therefore meet at 4:20 to “prepare”. In reality, the term 420 was coined by a group of teenagers at San Rafael High School in California who used to meet at the statue of Louis Pasteur everyday at 4:20 pm to get high. Somehow it spread across the country.
Ironically, 4/20 as in the date April 20th, also signifies the start of Earth Week. It just goes to show you that the only people that care about preserving Mother Earth is a bunch of pot smoking hippies. I’m sorry folks, but sitting in a circle and playing hacky sack is not going to save this planet.
Randy Bailey – Buzz Pirates’ Douche of the Day
When Randy Bailey, the 49 year-old wedding videographer from Eagle Rock, Missouri, became the eleventh person voted out SURVIVOR: GABON a few weeks ago, we were a little disappointed. Not because we like Randy, mind you, but because we felt like it was a missed opportunity for us to dish out a little character pillaging Buzz Pirates’ style. But lo and behold, Randy comes through for us once again by appearing in last night’s tribal council in what was, no doubt, a drunken mishap with a pair of clippers. Randy Bailey – for your ridiculous mohawk and non stop arrogant prickiness all season long – YOU are Buzz Pirates’ Douche of the Day.
There are many theories out there about why he decided to shave his head into a mohawk. Did he want to show Crystal he wasn’t a bigot by donning the Mr. T. look? Perhaps he lost a bet to Charlie about whether Marcus is really gay or not. These are distinct possibilities, but our guess is it went some down something like this….
Upon leaving tribal council after being voted off of Survivor: Gabon, Randy was ushered into the medical tent where he immediately tackled the doctor for medical supplies and began chugging rubbing alcohol. Relieved to have a small buzz, Randy prepared to enjoy the easy life of Survivor Ponderosa, and began to drink Africa dry of its supply of Heineken. Anxious to have another boy in the group, Charlie and Marcus where happy to cook breakfast for Randy and exercized half naked while Randy slammed beers. After his 15th beer, Randy busted into the bedroom, and interrupted Charlie and Marcus shaving each others backs, grabbed the clippers and yelled “See…I like gays you stupid bitches” and proceeded to shave the sides of his head.
Video clips of these events can be seen here. Obviously, they have been editted for television. However, two things are blantantly clear…Randy is loving his Heineken, and is happy to have his boy toys. What a douche.
Greatest Craigslist Ad Ever Written
The following is an actual ad written on Craiglist on July 22, 2008. It is the best ad we’ve ever seen so we thought we’d share it with the world.
Manly Bike for Sale
What kind of bike? I don’t know, I’m not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you’re way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan’s mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying “FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME”.
The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.
The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that’s bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you’re going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re probably a dickless lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.
The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you’re going to love this thing because it doesn’t try to penetrate your ass or anything.
I’ve topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you’re just a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:
Gear 1 – Sissy Gear
Gear 2 – Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 – Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 – Boy Gear
Gear 5 – Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 – Manly Gear
Gear 7 – Big Muscles Gear
I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.
Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull’s testicles and tells people you don’t fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves “Hey asshole, touch this bike and I’ll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four”.
Bike is for 150 OBO (and don’t give me no panzy prices)
Troubling Study on Beer
9 Reasons Daniel Craig is the Worst James Bond Ever
Quantum of Solace, the newest James Bond movie staring Daniel Craig, is set to open next Friday and I can’t say I am very excited about it. After countless hours devoted James Bond Marathons on TNT instead of studying for final exams, I have grown quite fond of 007. I have loved every movie from the original Dr. No with the grandaddy of spies, Sean Connery to Die Another Day with the slick Pierce Brosnan. However, Daniel Craig as James Bond just doesn’t do it for me. Daniel Craig is a very good actor, and the movie is probably very good. I’d probably love it if it was called “Bob Smith the Angry Spy”. Daniel Craig just does not fit the 007 mold. Here are 9 reasons why Daniel Craig is the Worst James Bond Ever.
9. James Bond is awesome. Everyone knows the martini shaking, bullet dodging, womanizing ways of 007. Even when Timothy Dalton played the title character, James Bond was still awesome. Yet Daniel Craig feels the need to “redefine the character”. He tells Playboy magazine, “I wanted to play around with the flaws in his character. It was much more interesting than having him be perfect and polished.” Hey Danny boy, why mess with perfection? If we wanted to see a different spy, we’d go watch Jason Bourne.
8. To Daniel Craig’s credit, its not just his fault. Its really the writers and the directors. They decided to take James Bond in “another direction” and reinvent the character. I ask…no, I beg them…WHY?!!!! We liked James Bond the way he was. Why did you feel the need to do the same thing every Superhero movie has done in the last two years and remake a classic awesome movie with a shitty movie with lots of references to the original awesome movie (eh hem….Superman Returns [gag]).
7. James Bond should rival Chuck Norris is in his Awesomeness. Daniel Craig, on the other hand gets his heart broken by a chick. Quantum of Solace focuses on Bond’s revenge over the betrayal of the woman he loved. Does that sound like James Bond to you? Ian must be Flemming in his grave! See the difference for yourself…check out the comparison between this Quantum of Solace clip and the Die Another Day trailer (featuring one of the best 007′s ever – Pierce Brosnan).
6. Don’t listen to what they tell you kids – smoking is cool…if you’re James Bond. Daniel Craig thinks James Bond should quit. Wus.
5. Daniel Craig doesn’t look like he can handle a Martini. He looks more like a Budweiser guy. Although in the clip above, he does drink white wine.
4. Complex plans of world domination are replaced by 45 minute chase scenes. Explosions are cool and all, but where’s the story, the dialog, and the character development? The UK Guardian writes in their early review of the film “I was disappointed there was so little dialogue, flirtation and characterization in this Bond: Forster and his writers Paul Haggis, Neal Purvis and Robert Wade clearly thought this sort of sissy nonsense has to be cut out in favor of explosions.”
3. Where’s the cheesy spy music? Just because Dark Knight didn’t have the “Na na na na na Batman!” song, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hear “doo doo, dooo doo” when James Bond stumbles upon a naked chick while sneaking around the enemy’s lair.
2. He wants to quit. Daniel Craig does not want to do the next Bond movie. Yeah…you know you’re not 007 material, don’t you Daniel? Interestingly enough, Quantum of Solace director Marc Foster, also recently announced that he is passing on the next Bond film. Hopefully Quantum of Solace and the most recent Casino Royale will end up being mere hiccups in the celebrated history of awesome bond films.
1. He doesn’t even say “Bond…James Bond” !!!! WTF? The line has been cut from the film. This is an outright travesty. For this reason alone, how can they justify this as an “Ian Fleming’s 007″ movie? Perhaps a more fitting title would be “James Bond…Returns?”
See for your self…check out Quantum of Solace on iTunes.
Weekly Booty – Awesome Places to Have Sex, More Sarah Palin Porn, & the Desecration of Lord Stanley
Welcome to the Weekly Booty, a Friday feature at Buzz Pirates where we recap some of the best loot we’ve dugg up on the net in the past week. Check out some of these treasures matey…
(yes – this is a mix of last week and this week, thanks to Corey’s awesome post about Barbra Streisand. That, or we were just lazy last week. )
- Cracked.com – 9 Awesome Places to have Sex (and the horrific consequences). Nuff said.
- Cuzoolge.com – Cuzzy racks NBA teams the greatest way possible – using a scale of hot girls.
- GrandmasterB.com – Say hello to Karissa and Kristina Shannon, Heff’s new playthings. GrandmasterB has some nice eye candy. What he doesn’t show you is how feisty these little firecrackers are. Apparently the Shannon Twins have a habit of getting arrested for battery.
- BannedInHollywood.com – Awesomely ironic pictures. Go ahead…jump into that tunnel. Just do it!
- Blog of Hilarity – Looks like we were not the only ones with the idea to put Sarah Palin in Porn. As Blog of Hilarity reports, a new adult film is in the works starring Lisa Ann. Its called “Nailin’ Palin“. Awesome.
- Holy Taco – Remember Garbage Pail Kids? Well Holy Taco sure does. Check out their post that shows Sarah Palin as a Garbage Pail Kid – Sarah CUDA.
- Tasty Booze – Shower Sex just got a whole lot easier with “Shower Power”, which gives you something to hold to when getting dirty while getting clean. Its about time. My soap dish has been replaced enough times already.
- The new NHL season is under way (go Devils!), but Def Leppard’s lead singer Joe Elliot needs to learn Stanley Cup 101. Look at him take Lord Stanley’s Cup and place it upside down!