I can’t stop watching this sketch from the most recent Saturday Night Live. I think this sketch is great because it just goes for overall silly nuttiness. Keenan Thompson leads the way, with guest host Jospeh Gordon-Levitt and cameos from Al Gore and Mindy Kaling (The Office) in check. This is not the first time this sketch has aired. Check the earlier one with Gerald Butler. The most recent one is below:
I just spent the last week telling the world how much I loved my new Motorola Droid phone. What the hell was I thinking. I should have known better than to trust a device from Motorola. Those chumps haven’t made anything good since the beeper. All it took was a small fall from my sofa to the floor…a mere 2 feet…and now my screen is more cracked than Whitney Houston.
It all happened in slow motion. Slowly it started falling off the sofa, inch by inch. I reached for it and felt it sliding past the tips of my fingers. It hovered in the air between the sofa cushion and the floor for what seemed like an eternity. Then it hit. I thought it was ok…for a second. Then I saw the crack. Then another. Then another. The screen of my brand new Droid started splintering like thin sheet of ice.
Come on! 2 feet? Are you kidding me? I could understand if I dropped it on hard concrete. Even then I would expect it to stand up to a fall or two. But no…my droid lasted a mere 6 days and fell victim to a gentle breeze.
Now that I think about it, there were a few other things that I didn’t like about the Droid.
Even Verizon Wireless admins there are tons of problems with the Droid. They are planning an over the air update to the application software on December 11th. Well they better not give me a hard time when I return my piece of shit at the Verizon store tomorrow.
If you ask me, the software was the only good part of the Droid. The user experience was awesome. The apps are awesome. The maps are awesome. Hmm….in other words, everything Google was awesome. Do you hear that Motorola? Listen up and fix your piece of shit device. And you better replace my Droid assholes.
UPDATE: So Verizon Wireless was pretty good about replacing my phone. I called the internet orders hotline and they told me they would charge me full price ($579) for the phone, but if I took it into a store, they will probably exchange it. Sure enough my local Verizon store came through. I did have to pay a $50 “return fee”. But oh well. They also stuck me for a body glove and screen guards. So I guess they got what they needed outta me. I still think Motorola makes a shitty piece of hardware. But I am glad to have my Droid back.
A racially insensitive decision is spiraling out of control for the U.K. release of the movie Couples Retreat. Notice the serious lack of color between the U.K. poster and the U.S poster. In response to outrage over the move, a Universal spokesman said the altered poster aimed “to simplify the poster to actors who are most [recognizable] in international markets.” Hmmm, I can see how Faizon Love and Kali Hawk are not as big names as Vince Vaughn, Jason Batemen, Kristin Davis, Malin Akerman, Kristin Bell and Jon Favreau… still, they had to know that they were going to take crap for this.
Despite the worst economic decline since the Great Depression, wives and girlfriends will still expect gifts this holiday season. If you really want that threesome you’ve been wishing for all year, you better come up with something really good (read expensive). How does an underemployed, underpaid office drone afford that perfect gift? Sports gambling. The NFL season is in full swing and we’ve had eight weeks to distinguish the teams who’ve got it (Saints, Patriots, Colts, Steelers) and the ones who are sinking fast (looking at you Jets and Giants).
So get your bookie on the horn, and go heavy on these locks:
DALLAS -3 at Green Bay
Yeah, so did anyone see the Sunday night game, where Dallas beat the Eagles 20-16? How about the game Sunday afternoon when Green Bay lost to Tampa Bay 38-28? Tampa Bay sucks-there’s no question about it. They have a rookie quarterback making his second start ever and a defense that gave up 170 rushing yards to the Packers. Marion Barber, Felix Jones and Tashard Choice lead the league in combined yards per rush. Do the math, lay the points (up to 5) and count your winnings.
DENVER -3.5 at Washington
Denver is coming off a fourteen-point Monday night loss to the Steelers and a huge loss to the Ravens. Despite these recent setbacks, this is still a solid team with one of the best defensive backfields money can buy and a top five wide receiver in Brandon Marshall. Denver’s weakness is run defense, but Washington RB Clinton Portis is doubtful for Sunday’s game with a concussion. I would lay up to a touchdown on this one, Denver needs a big win here, and they’ll get it.
NEW ENGLAND +3 at Indianapolis
I’m not too excited about picking three road teams for my first week, but this game is certainly enticing. One of the cardinal rules of sports gambling is that favorites in nationally televised games will lay more points because most 
people will bet the favorite and the over. Here, we have an undefeated team with a hurting defense that nearly lost to the Texans (they didn’t cover). The Patriots, on the other hand, have improved steadily since losing to Denver five weeks ago. If the Patriots offensive line can keep Dwight Freeney off Tom Brady’s supermodel impregnating junk, the Pats should keep it within a field goal. Take the points here, but don’t go less than a field goal unless Peyton Manning gets swine flu.
For what its worth, last Sunday I was 3-0 (Houston +9, Cincinnati +3, Dallas +3), and I practice what I preach.
Submitted by The Locksmith
New York – As the final out of the 2009 world series was recorded, and the Yankees began a jubilant celebration of their historic 27th 
championship, the heavens began to part and bathe all of the Bronx in a divine ethereal glow. As the pure light of creation descended upon all in attendance, time slowed as if the entire universe stopped to appreciate a dream like trance. The captain, Derek Jeter sparkling with an aura as powerful as a million suns but as soothing as a mother’s caress, unveiled the snow white robe under his uniform and levitated towards the podium with his arms outstretched. All in attendance genuflected and awaited the Messianic Word. Although His lips did not part and no words were spoken, all in attendance were bequeathed with the Word. Over the PA system the voice of Bob Sheppard boomed…
“My children…I no longer have the need to speak. Although I still have my earthly body, my voice will be transmitted through the dulcet tones of Bob Sheppard. “
Immediately, 20,000 cases of erectile dysfunction were immediately cured…
“Since I first descended upon this earthly realm, I have given many gifts freely for the betterment of humanity. I ended the cold war, invented love, used my tears to cure AIDS, and my used my sweet breath to reverse global warming.
“But now my time has come for me to move on. My work is needed elsewhere. Places where lonely children cry in the night, cute animals are threatened with extinction and hip young actresses are without dates.”
“But I do not leave you empty handed. For I am leaving you with the divine Word. A set of 10 commandments that will guide you through life for generations to come, especially through the difficult period of rotating Dominicans that will attempt to replace me at shortstop.”
And as an adjured hush fell over the 50,000 sycophants, the 733 million dollar Spongetech scoreboard revealed Lord Jeter’s lasting legacy…
And with the final commandment, a wisp of smoke swooped up the yankee great and elevated him above the gawking rabble high into the New York night to his home far beyond the known galaxy to join his other sports brethren Michael Jordan, Bobby Orr, Mohammed Ali, Michael Phelps, Joe Montana, Tiger Woods….etc, etc
Brett Farve returned to Green Bay’s Lambeau Field today to further break the heart’s of the fan’s he delighted for so many years. Farve and the Vikings put down Green Bay for the second time this year… but this fan got his two cents in Godfather style. Great sign man!
