Whoa, whoa, whoa. So, think too much bread is the problem with your diet? How about heading over to KFC for the new Double Down. Its two (2!) fried chicken breasts instead of bread, with bacon and cheese in the middle. After KFC’s new healthy grilled chicken kick they are getting back to heart attack basics with this monstrosity. Wanna gain 10 lbs in a single setting, head on over to the KFC in Ohama, Nebraska or Providence, Rhode Island because the Double Down is only in the testing phase. Hey, you can’t live forever… death by fried deliciousness awaits!
Benicio Del Toro gets in touch with his animal side in the premiere of the trailer for The Wolfman. Emily Blunt, Anthony Hopkins and the underrated Hugo Weaving co-star in the classic remake. The trailer looks great, but, Benicio, is that supposed to be an English accent?
The Godfather of Soul feels good! Check out James Brown zonked out of his mind on TV. Phew. Fast forward the first minute to get to the good stuff. Enjoy.
So, it looks like someone in Sear’s tech department was either bored or recently fired, as they have shown Sears to be the purveyor of the perfect grill for someone who eats people. Human Cooking > Grills to Cook Babies and More > Body Part Roaster. Awesome! Who knew Kenmore was the quality choice for the distinguished cannibal. The prank was online for a while, but has since been corrected… fun while it lasted though.
Washington D.C. – Troubled Hollywood Hunk and noted anti-Semite Mel Gibson extended his hand, and his wallet as he made a donation of for bags of pennies to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum today. The move raised eyebrows as the donation, although welcome, came off as being actually offensive in nature.
Mel Gibson called for the press conference announcing his donation this past Friday evening, completely disregarding the Sabbath. After much debate museum curator and American University Jewish Studies Professor Dr. Murray Wallach and Holocaust Museum President Rabbi Eli Lipstein allowed the Sabbath press conference assuming it would be a positive for the museum. Lipstein and Wallach also figured that it would be less humid in the evening, and that the museum would save approximately $34.00 on the added PSE&G bill with the nighttime expenditures.
Mel Gibson began, “I know how much you hook nose bastards love money, so, I figured, why the hell not. You covetous, money lending Jews enjoy these four bags of copper money.” A gasp went up over the Hebrew and Non-Hebrew media.
Gibson continued, “Why is everybody seem so Jew-ed up? Let’s face it, its not like the museum is celebrating an actual historical event. Despite the fact that I’m standing inside this museum with evidence of these supposed horrors, I’d deny this place exists at all. My dad was totally right, about you kikes, what with your hats and weird scarves. Ok, questions?” (pointing at the assembled members of the press).
Stevenson, “Mr. Gibson, is this donation in response to the recent terrifying shooting inside the museum by white supremacist James von Brunn.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, let’s not rush to judgment on this American Brunn,” Gibson answered. “There’s no actual proof he did anything wrong.”
Stevenson responded with a stern, “what!” to which Gibson simply furrowed his brow. “Next question. Umm… you, weird hat guy” (pointing at Jewish Journal reporter and Orthodox yarmulke wearing Morty Yinklestein).
Yinklestein, “Mr. Gibson, don’t you feel as if your gesture and comments here are offensive to the Jewish community? This museum is a testament to one of the world’s most hellish atrocities, so that we never forget…”
Gibson interrupted, “Sweet hot cock water, enough wining already…jeez. You people have nonstop diarrhea of the complaining. I need a drink…fucking Jews.” With that Gibson stumbled of the stage and immediately left… he returned 10 minutes later with a full beard and made several offensive remarks about Jews having big noses, the Star of David and Barbara Streisand, and then left again.
Not to be outdone, Gibson returned to the microphone and shouted “Take it!” But not before his last obnoxious offering. “Here, enjoy these pennies Hebrews.” At that point Gibson tossed the four bags of pennies all over the floor of the Holocaust Museum’s event room.
Rabbi Lipstein rushed to the microphone to appologize for the crazed ranting of the Jew hating Lethal Weapon star. “This is an outrage against Jews everywhere! We shall not accept Gibson or his donation.” At that moment Dr. Murray Wallach rushed to Lipstein’s side and said, “well, whoa, whoa, let’s not rush to judgment too quickly here.” Cooler heads prevailed as Lipstein said, “yeah, I guess you’re right.” The two men then hussled to the event room floor to collect, count and enjoy the pennies donated by the psychotic star of Mad Max.
Brad Pitt…ever heard of him? Well, for all of his pretty boy, tabloid love life mischief, Mr. Angelina Jolie has fashioned himself into a good actor and legitimate movie star when he’s not dodging the paparazzi. He’s the total Hollywood package. He first garnered notice in Thelma and Louise, proved he could be a big time star in Legends of the Fall, and showing his acting chops in 12 Monkeys. Several classic roles in Fight Club, Babel, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, the Ocean’s movies followed…and who can forget his hilarious stoner in True Romance? Next week he teams up with Quinton Tarantino in Inglorious Basterds.
Production Credits – Brad Pitt owns the production Plan B which currently has a deal with Paramount Pictures, Warner Bros. and 20th Century Fox. Films include Troy, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Departed, Running with Scissors, and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford and is currently making an adaption of the novel World War Z.
Biography - born in Shawnee, Oklahoma, the son of Jane Etta (née Hillhouse), a high school counselor, and William Alvin Pitt, a truck company owner. He has a brother Doug and sister Julie.
Famous Ladyfriends – Brad Pitt has had high profile relationships with Juliette Lewis, Robin Givens, Jill Schoelen, Gwyneth Paltrow and of course ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. He is married to Angelina Jolie with whom he has 6 children.
Awards/Nominations – Nominated for Oscar for Benjamin Button (best actor) and 12 Monkeys (best supporting actor); Nominated for Golden Globes for Babel, Legends of the Fall and 12 Monkeys (he won that one).
Selected Filmography
Inglourious Basterds (2009) Lt Aldo Raine
The Tree of Life (2009)
Burn After Reading (2008) Chad Feldheimer
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008) Benjamin Button
Ocean’s Thirteen (2007) Rusty Ryan
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007) Jesse James
Babel (2006) Richard
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005) John Smith
Ocean’s Twelve (2004) Rusty Ryan
Troy (2004) Achilles
Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas (2003) Voice of Sinbad
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2002) Bachelor Brad
Full Frontal (2002) cameo (uncredited)
Ocean’s Eleven (2001) Rusty Ryan
Spy Game (2001) Tom Bishop
The Mexican (2001) Jerry Welbach
Snatch (2000) Mickey O Neil
Fight Club (1999) Tyler Durden
Meet Joe Black (1998) Joe Black/ Young Man in Coffee Shop
The Dark Side of the Sun (1998)
Seven Years in Tibet (1997) Heinrich Harrer
The Devil’s Own (1997) Rory Devaney
Sleepers (1996) Michael
12 Monkeys (1995) Jeffrey
Seven (1995) David Mills
Interview With the Vampire (1994) Louis Pointe du Lac
Swingers is a seminal movie for guys of a certain age and marks the emergence of Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau. The movie is so jam packed with memorable quotes and scenes we may have forgotten some… let us know
[on the way to Las Vegas]
Trent: They’re gonna give daddy the Rainman suite, you dig that?
Mike: Do you think we’ll get there by midnight?
Trent: Baby, we’re going to be up five hundy by midnight!
Mike: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!
Trent: Vegas baby! Vegas!
Mike: Vegas!
Trent: Look at this, okay? I want you to remember this face, here. Okay? This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.
Trent: So, what’d you think of that Dorothy girl?
Mike: The whole Judy Garland thing kinda turned me on. Does that make me some kind of fag?
Trent: No, baby, you’re money.
Mike: Trent, the beautiful babies don’t work the midnight to six shift on a Wednesday. This is like the skank shift.
[Trent talks a girl into meeting them later and bringing a friend]
Mike: That was so fucking money. That was like the Jedi mind-shit.
Sue: People get carjacked.
Trent: Who’s gonna carjack your fuckin’ K-Car? He’s right Sue you don’t need to carry a gat!
Mike: How about if I wait six weeks to call. I could tell her I found her number while I was cleaning out my wallet, I can’t remember where we met. I’ll ask her what she looks like and then I’ll ask her if we fucked. How about that? Would that be money?
Mike: So how long do I wait to call?
Trent: A day.
Mike: Tomorrow.
Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.
Trent: Yeah.
Mike: So two days?
Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.
Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.
Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it’s like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?
Sue: Yeah, but two’s enough not to look anxious.
Trent: Yeah, two’s enough not to look anxious. But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you…
Mike: Yeah, but you know what, mabey I’ll wait 3 weeks. How’s that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.
Charles: Then ask her where you met her.
Mike: Yeah, I’ll ask her where I met her. I don’t remember. What does she look like? And then I’ll asked if we fucked. Is that… would that be… T, would that be the money?
Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who’s ready to party.
Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?
Trent, Sue: Six days.
[playing NHL '94 on Sega Genesis
Trent: I wish they still had fights in this game so I could bitch-slap Wayne.
Mike: What? They don't have fighting anymore?
Trent: Doesn't that suck?
Mike: Why'd they get rid of the fighting? It was the best part of the old version.
Sue: I think kids were hittin' each other or somethin', man.
Trent: Yeah but you know what, Mike? You can make their heads bleed in this one.
Mike: Make somebody's head bleed.
Sue: No man, we're in the playoffs.
Sue: Pause the game.
Trent: Wait I'm gonna do my thing with the thing.
Trent: You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws and with fangs...
Sue: ...big fucking teeth, man.
Trent: Yeah... big fuckin' teeth on ya'. And she's just like this little bunny, who's just kinda cowering in the corner.
Sue: Shivering.
Trent: Yeah, man just kinda... you know, you got these claws and you're staring at these claws and your thinking to yourself, and with these claws you're thinking, "How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?"
Sue: And you're poking at it, you're poking at it...
Trent: Yeah, you're not hurting it. You're just kinda gently batting the bunny around, you know what I mean? And the bunny's scared Mike, the bunny's scared of you, shivering.
Sue: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs...
Trent: And you got these fucking claws and these fangs, man! And you're looking at your claws and you're looking at your fangs. And you're thinking to yourself, you don't know what to do, man. "I don't know how to kill the bunny." With *this* you don't know how to kill the bunny, do you know what I mean?
Sue: You're like a big bear, man.
Mike: So you're not just like fucking with me?
Trent: No I'm not fucking with you.
Sue: Honestly, man.
Trent: Um... a malt Glen Garry for me and my friend here. And if you tell that bartender to go extra easy on the water, this 50 cent piece has your name on it.
Trent: Baby, that was money! Tell me that wasn't money.
Mike: That was so demeaning.
Trent: She smiled, baby.
Mike: I can't believe what an asshole you are.
Trent: Did she, or did she not smile.
Mike: She was smiling at what an asshole you are.
Trent: She was smiling at how money I am, baby.
Trent: You're so money and you don't even know it!
(calling Nikki)
Mike: Hi, uh, Nikki, this is Mike. I met you at the, um, at the Dresden tonight. I just called to say that I had a great time... and you should call me tomorrow, or in two days, whatever. Anyway, my number is 213-555-4679 -
[the machine beeps]
Mike: [Mike calls back, the machine picks up]
Mike: Hi, Nikki, this is Mike again. I just called cuz it sounded like your machine might’ve cut me off when I, before I finished leaving my number. Anyway, uh, and, y’know, and also, sorry to call so late, but you were still at the Dresden when I left so I knew I’d get your machine. Anyhow, uh, my number’s 21 -
[the machine beeps]
Mike: [Mike calls back; the machine picks up again]
Mike: 213-555-4679. That’s it. I just wanna leave my number. I didn’t want you to think I was weird or desperate, or… we should just hang out and see where it goes cuz it’s nice and, y’know, no expectations. Ok? Thanks a lot. Bye bye.
[hangs up]
Mike: [Mike walks away from the phone... then walks back and calls again; once again, the machine picks up]
Mike: I just got out of a 6-year relationship, Ok? That should help explain why I’m acting so weird. I just wanted you to know that. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m sorry… This is Mike.
[hangs up]
Mike: [Mike calls back, the machine picks up again]
Mike: Hi, Nikki, this is Mike. Could you just call me when you get in? I’m gonna be up for awhile and I’d just rather speak to you in person instead of trying to fit it all into -
[the machine beeps]
Mike: Fuck!
[Mike calls back, gets the machine again]
Mike: Uh, Nikki? Mike. It’s uh, uh, it’s just, uh, this just isn’t working out. I think you’re great, but maybe we should just take some time off from each other. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s what I’m going through, alright? It’s uh… it’s only been 6 months …
Nikki: [picks up] Mike?
Mike: [very cheerful] Nikki? Great! Did you just walk in or were you listening all along?
Nikki: Don’t ever call me again.
[hangs up]
Mike: Wow. I guess you’re home.
Trent: All I do is stare at their mouths and wrinkle my nose, and I turn out to be a sweetheart.
Mike: Hi, how are you ladies doing this evening?
Girl at the Party: What do you drive?
Trent: I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay? You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, Mikey. You’re a bad man, bad man.
Mike: Haven’t you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot.
Mike: You shouldn’t be sorry, you’re a winner. I’m the fucking loser. I’m the one who should be sorry.
Trent: Baby don’t talk that way.
Mike: Can we just go, please, can we go?
Trent: Baby look at me, look at me. You’re money, and you know what else? You’re a big winner tonight.
Mike: I want to leave.
Trent: You’re a big winner. I’m gonna ask you a simple question and I want you to listen to me: who’s the big winner here tonight at the casino? Huh? Mikey, that’s who. Mikey’s the big winner. Mikey wins.
Trent: I’m gonna find me two waitresses here and I’m gonna pull me a Fredo.
Mike: Yeah, well they’re all skanks.
Trent: What are talking about? Look at all the beautiful babies here.
Mike: The beautiful babies don’t work the midnights-to-six on a Wednesday. This is the skank shift.
Trent: Look at all the beautiful honeys here.
Mike: Look, we’re gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party and you’re going to say it sucks and we’re all gonna leave and then we’re gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. I spend half the night talking to some girl who’s looking around the room to see if there’s somebody else who’s more important she should be talking to. And it’s like I’m supposed to be all happy ’cause she’s wearing a backpack, you know? And half of them are just nasty skanks who wouldn’t be nothing except they’re surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. And I’m gonna tell you something . Are you listening?
Trent: Yeah, I’m listening.
Mike: I’m not gonna be one of those assholes. Alright? It just makes me sick. It’s like, some nasty skank who isn’t half the woman my girlfriend is, is gonna front me? It makes me want to fuckin’ puke!
Trent: There’s nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you’re money and that you want to party.
Trent: You take yourself out of the game, you start talking about puppy dogs and ice cream and of course it’s going to end up on the friendship tip.
Charles: This place is dead anyways.
Trent: I’m gonna make Gretzky’s head bleed for super fan 99 over here.
Trent: Our baby’s all grown up.
Sue: Just because I had the balls to stand up to those guys…
Trent: Like fuckin’ House of Pain was gonna do anything?
[Mike, Trent, and Sue are hanging out and Trent and Sue are playing video hockey]
Sue: This is bullshit, such bullshit!
Mike: The Kings suck in this game you should play another team.
Sue: I took the Kings to the cup.
Trent: Yea, against the computer with the offsides off.
Sue: They are a finesse team.
Trent: LA is a fucking bitch team. OOOOHHHHHHH!
[Trent bodychecks one of sue's players]
Trent: Y’know, it’s not so much me as Roenick; he’s good.
Trent and Sue: Is he cute? Is he a brown man?
Mike: [Mike pays the delivery guy and then tosses the bags of food at Trent and Sue] Eat, eat, you fucking jackals!
Trent: [Getting ready to play video hockey] You ready hip hop? You ready New Kids on the Block?
Trent: Score Chicago!
Sue: Fuck! Such fuckin’ bullshit!
Trent: [Trent hits the instant replay] Now that was pretty Sue…
Sue: Man, don’t do the instant replay thing…
Trent: No way, you said it was fuckin’ bullshit.
Sue: Don’t do the fucking…
Trent: Well that’s why they put the instant replay in the fucking game! So you can see if it’s bullshit!
Sue: You’re unbelieveable.
Trent: Well you know something, I am unbelievable.
Sue: [Trent shoves Sue] Don’t fucking touch me.
Trent: When I’m not here will you practice?
Trent: Hey! What’re you kicking me for? You want me to ask? All right, I’ll ask! Ma’am, where do the high school girls hang out in this town?
Trent: I’m the asshole is this place, right? I’m the asshole? I’m outta here! I’m not eating here… I wouldn’t eat here… I’d never eat here anyway!
An woman was arrested Tuesday afternoon after police say she injured her child while dragging it through a Verizon store in Rome, Alabama. Melissa Catherine Smith-Means, 37, of Gaylesville, Ala., was arrested by police around 12:30 p.m. She was charged with felony first-degree cruelty to children.
Police say she was observed by customers and employees at a store on Broad Street, dragging a small child around by a backpack leash. The child had visible marks on the neck from the dragging. Best(worst) part? The whole thing was caught on video! Alabama child dragging is part of the culture I suppose? The video is below.
Smile Melissa Catherine Smith-Means, you are Buzz Pirates Douche of the Day.
We presented you with the G.I. Joe Trailer months ago. The movie is creating a stir in front of this weekend’s release due to the fact that the studio has refused to screen it for critics. These attempts to avoid the crappy reviews are being offset with this funny little nugget below. Check out a shot by shot remake of the trailer made with the new toys. How about that Dennis Quaid Action figure… it looks just like him!
