The 13 Best Quotes by the Joker in The Dark Night – Heath Ledger Lives On

With many so-so sequels and prequels hitting theaters this summer, its a good time to remember the mother of all superhero/action sequels The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger’s performance as The Joker will live on forever as one of the greatest characters in cinema history. Below is a collection of the 13 best quotes (or in some cases memorable dialogue) by The Joker in The Dark Knight. I doubt we are missing much, but feel free to offer your two cents on the ranking.

13. I believe whatever doesn’t kill you, simply makes you…stranger.

12. All right. So, listen. Why don’t you give me a call when you want to start taking things a little more seriously? Here’s my card.

11. Joker: Oh, you. You just couldn’t let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You are truly incorruptible, aren’t you? Huh? You won’t kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won’t kill you because you’re just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.

10 . Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the… little emotions. In… you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?

9. Batman: Then why do you want to kill me?
Joker: I don’t want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, NO! No. You… you… complete me.
Batman: You’re garbage who kills for money.
Joker: Don’t talk like one of them. You’re not! Even if you’d like to be. To them, you’re just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don’t, they’ll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it’s a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They’re only as good as the world allows them to be. I’ll show you. When the chips are down, these… these civilized people, they’ll eat each other. See, I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve.

8. This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I’m gonna give it to them.

7. Joker: If you’re good at something, never do it for free.

6. Batman: Let her go!
Joker: [holding Rachel out of a window] Very poor choice of words…

5. Joker: [to Gambol's thugs, being held helpless by his own] Now, our operation is small, but there’s a lot of potential for “aggressive” expansion. So, which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh, there’s only one spot open right now, so we’re gonna have…Tryouts. Make it fast.

4. How about a magic trick? I’m gonna make this pencil disappear. Ta-daa! It’s… it’s gone.

3. Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just… do things. The mob has plans, the cops have plans, Gordon’s got plans. You know, they’re schemers. Schemers trying to control their little worlds. I’m not a schemer. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So, when I say… Ah, come here.
When I say that you and your girlfriend was nothing personal, you know that I’m telling the truth. It’s the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans, and look where that got you. I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know… You know what I’ve noticed? Nobody panics when things go “according to plan.” Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it’s all “part of the plan.” But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!
Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I’m an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It’s fair!

2. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight’s entertainment! Well, you look nervous. Is it the scars? You want to know how I got ‘em? Come here. Hey! Look at me. So I had a wife, beautiful, like you, who tells me I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to smile more. Who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks… Look at me! One day, they carve her face. And we have no money for surgeries. She can’t take it. I just want to see her smile again, hm? I just want her to know that I don’t care about the scars. So… I stick a razor in my mouth and do this…to myself. And you know what? She can’t stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side. Now I’m always smiling! A little fight in you. I like that. Batman: Then you’re going to love me.

1. [holding a knife inside Gambol's mouth] Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was… a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn’t like that. Not-one-bit. So – me watching – he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it! Turns to me, and he says, “why so serious, son?” Comes at me with the knife… “Why so serious?” He sticks the blade in my mouth… “Let’s put a smile on that face!” And…Why so serious?

Funny Vomiting Girl on a Plane

Ok. I promise that we will not turn into some site that just posts disgusting videos. I promise. But, we cannot help ourselves with what has got to be one of the most equally funny and disgusting things I’ve ever seen. Check out this girl puking into a barf bag on a small plane. Turbulence has never been so gross. I hope you appreciate how perfectly horrible this is… its a perfect 10.

Which is the Best Mustache for You?

Thinking of growing a mustache? There’s more to it then you think. The first step is picking a mustache style. We turn to The American Mustache Institute which has distinguished itself as the leading authority on mustaches. They have categorized the mustache into 13 different types. Which one is the best for you.

Chevron - A thick and wide mustache, usually worn long to cover the top border of the upper lip. Mustached hunk Tom Selleck rocks this style in full Magnum P.I. mode.

Dali - A narrow mustache with long points bent or curved steeply upward. Named for artist Salvador Dali.

Toothbrush - A thick mustache, shaved to be about an inch wide in the center. Hitler ruined this mustache…forever hurting Charlie Chaplin’s legacy.

English - A narrow divided mustache that begins at the middle of the upper lip, with long whiskers pulled to either side of the center. The areas beyond the corners of the mouth are typically shaved.

Fu Manchu – A mustache that begins on the upper lip and whose whiskers are grown very long to extend down each side of the mouth down to the to jaw. The areas just past the corners of the mouth are shaven, thus differentiating this style from the “horseshoe.” A mainstay of karate movie masters and bad guys. Fu Manchu was a series of novels about an evil genius, and has appeared in virtually every form of media.

Handlebar - A handlebar mustache can be worn large or small (“petit handlebar”); it is characterized by the fact that it is bushy and must be worn long enough to curl the ends upward, which is usually achieved with styling wax. Hall of Fame pitcher Rollie Fingers famously rocked the handlebar.

Horseshoe - A full mustache with vertical extensions grown on the corners of the lips and down the sides of the mouth to the jawline, resembling an upside-down horseshoe. The whiskers grown along the sides of the mouth in the horseshoe are sometimes referred to as “pipes.” Not to be confused with the “fu manchu” which is grown long from the upper lip only– the sides remain shaven in the fu manchu. “Broadway” Joe Namath and Goose Gossage are just 2 of the most famous Horseshoe Mustache fans.

Imperial - A large mustache growing from both the upper lip and cheeks, whiskers from the cheeks are styled pointing upward.

Lampshade - A mustache similar to the “painter’s brush,” but with corners angled slightly, resembling the shape of a lampshade.

Painter’s Brush – A thick mustache covering the width of the mouth, usually worn short, with slightly roundepencild corners.

Pencil - A thin, narrow, closely clipped mustache that outlines the upper lip. Pencil style mustaches can be trimmed in different manners (see below). Also sometimes called a “mouthbrow.” Flamboyant director John Waters is a famous fan of the pencil mustache.

Pyramidal - A general name for mustaches shaped narrow on top and wide on the bottom, like a pyramid. Pyramidal mustaches can be shaped in a variety of ways, as shown below.

Walrus - A large, bushy, droopy mustache that hangs down over the lips, often entirely covering the mouth. Wilford Brimley is a famous fan.

The Hangover Movie Quotes – Funniest Lines

We knew that The Hangover was going to be a comic masterpiece. The best quotes from The Hangover are hard to put in order. The movie was more then a few funny lines like a Will Ferrell movie, it was nonstop insane funny from start to finish. That said, the movie was filled with awesome quotes and funny lines. We already talked about Heather Graham and Zach Galifiankis leading up to the movie’s release. Here’s a collection of some of the best quotes, feel free to correct my mistakes or add your own favorite quotes.

Stu: “She is wearing my grandmother’s Holocaust ring.”
Alan: “I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.”

“We’re not going to leave a baby in the room. There’s a fucking tiger in the bathroom.”

“Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.”

“Rainman took over a casino and he was a retard”

Sid (Jeffrey Tambor): “Remember what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit’ll come back with you.”

Male Officer: Handsome your next (Talking about Phil)  (Alan walks forward)
Male Officer: Not you fat Jesus

“Doug is probably dead, face down in a ditch and getting butt fucked by a meth addict”

“Whose baby is that?”
“Check its collar or something.”

Stu: “Am I missing a tooth?

“In the face! IN THE FACE!”

“Tracy (Sasha Barrese): “We’re getting married in five hours.”
Phil: “Yeah … that’s not gonna happen.”

Alan (to hotel clerk): Is this hotel beeper friendly? I’m not getting a signal. Where is your bank of pay phones?”

Dr. Valsh (Matt Walsh): “It’s on the corner of ‘get a map’ and ‘fuckoff.’”

Alan: “Next week’s no good for me. The Jonas Brothers are in town.”

“Paging Dr. Faggot!”

Alan: I’m sure you get this a lot, but is this really Ceasar’s Palace?
Hotel Clerk: What do you mean?
Alan: Did Ceasar really live here?
Hotel Clerk: No
Alan: Didn’t think so

Stu: “Why can’t we remember a goddamn thing from last night?”"Yeah ... that's not gonna happen."
Phil: “Because we obviously had a great fucking time.”

Stu: “Everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he’s kind of a sweetheart.”
Alan: “I think he’s mean.”

Alan: “I shouldn’t be here. I’m not supposed to be within 200 feet of a school. Or a Chuck E. Cheese.”

Alan: “Hey! There were skittles in there!”

(After Mr. Chow jumps out of the trunk, attacks them and runs away)
Stu: “Who was that?!”
Phil: “Why was he so Mean?!”

And of course…. Doug’s Song:

What do tigers dream of
When they take a little tiger snooze?
Do they dream of mauling zebras
Or Halle Berry in her cat women suit.
Well don’t you worry your pretty stripped head
Were going to get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed.
And then were going to find our best friend Doug,
And then were going to give him a best friend hug.
Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, Dougy, Dougy, Doug, Doug.
But if he’s been murder by crystal meth tweekers,
Well then were shit out of luck.

Steven Segal in Hard to Kill – Greatest Line Ever

In Hard to Kill, Steven Segal’s family is killed, and he winds up surviving, albeit in a coma… hence the title of the movie. In this scene, he figures out the Senator is the bad guy responsible for his troubles by remembering his campaign slogan, which he uses during a bad guy meeting: “You can take that to the bank!” Enjoy.

Artie Lange on Joe Buck Live

If you haven’t heard it by now, The Howard Stern Show’s Artie Lange had a legendary appearance on Joe Buck Live. Buck’s new show is on HBO and Artie took full advantage. He comes off a little too strong at times, to say the least, but the entire segment is one of the funniest things you’ve ever seen on a talk show. SNL’s Jason Sudeikis and Paul Rudd were also on the show, but those two just tried to stay out of the way. Michael Irvin was in the audience and jumps in at. It was uncomfortable, cringe worthy and absolutely hilarious. Enjoy (the sound doesn’t exactly match the picture). Artie Lange will never have a stand up special on HBO after this appearance.

Sandra Bullock – Celebrity Profile

In Hollywood, there can be always be more then one America’s sweetheart, and Sandra Bullock certainly makes the cut. She has been able to turn her special combination of awkward, lovable and sexy into box office dollars and engages her audiences equally in romantic comedies and action films.

Her next feature film “The Proposal” hits theaters on June 19th. She and Ryan Reynolds appear to be a great match, and this film promises to take the sexy component of her appeal to the next level. Rumor has it that 44 year-old Bullock is going to appear nude in this flick, and I don’t think the producers would have done it, and certainly would not have hyped it, if she didn’t look GOOD. She confirmed the rumor in an interview with Glamour Magazine (which rocks?), and hopes the fans line up outside to see it. In fact, she said she would be offended if they didn’t.

Love Life: She was engaged to actor Tate Donovan whom she met while filming Love Potion No. 9 (they dated 4 years). She has dated Troy Aikman, Austin musician Bob Schneider (for two years) and actors Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Gosling. She’s now married to Jesse James of Monster Garage (he was married to porn star Janine Lindemuler.

Family: Born in Arlington County, Virginia, her mom is Helga D. Meyer (a German opera singer and part-time vocal coach) and her dad is John W. Bullock, (a Pentagon contractor, executive from Alabama). Because of mom she speaks German and is even duel citizen…who knew?

Awards:

  • 1994 Razzie Awards Worst Supporting Actress for Demolition Man – Nominated
  • 1995 Saturn Awards Best Actress for Speed – Won
  • 1995 Golden Apple Female Star of the Year – Won
  • 1995 Blimp Award Favorite Movie Actress for Speed – Won
  • 1995 MTV Movie Awards Best Female Performance for Speed – Won
  • 1995 MTV Movie Awards Best On-Screen Duo for Speed – Won
  • 1995 MTV Movie Awards Most Desirable Female for Speed – Won
  • 1995 MTV Movie Awards Best Kiss for Speed – Nominated
  • 1996 American Comedy Awards Funniest Actress in a Motion Picture (Leading Role) for While You Were Sleeping – Nominated
  • 1996 Golden Globe Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy/Musical for While You Were Sleeping – Nominated
  • 1996 MTV Movie Awards Best Female Performance for While You Were Sleeping – Nominated
  • 1996 MTV Movie Awards Most Desirable Female for While You Were Sleeping – Nominated
  • 1996 MTV Movie Awards Most Desirable Female for The Net -  Nominated
  • 1996 People’s Choice Awards Favorite Motion Picture Actress – Won
  • 1997 Blockbuster Entertainment Award Favorite Actress – Suspense for A Time To Kill – Won
  • 1997 MTV Movie Awards Best Female Performance for A Time To Kill – Nominated
  • 1997 People’s Choice Awards Favorite Motion Picture Actress – Won
  • 1998 Razzie Awards Worst Actress for Speed 2: Cruise Control Nominated
  • 1998 Razzie Awards Worst Screen Couple for Speed 2: Cruise Control – Nominated
  • 1999 Lone Star Film & Television Award Best Actress for Hope Floats – Won
  • 1998 People’s Choice Awards Favorite Motion Picture Actress – Won
  • 1999 Teen Choice Awards Film – Choice Hissy Fit for Forces of Nature – Won
  • 2000 Bambi Awards Film international – Won
  • 2000 Golden Globe Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy/Musical for Miss Congeniality – Nominated
  • 2001 American Comedy Awards Funniest Actress in a Motion Picture (Leading Role) for Miss Congeniality – Won
  • 2001 Satellite Awards Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy/Musical for Miss Congeniality – Nominated
  • 2001 Blockbuster Entertainment Award Favorite Actress – Comedy for Miss Congeniality – Won
  • 2001 Teen Choice Awards Film – Choice Wipeout for Miss Congeniality – Won
  • 2005 Teen Choice Awards Film – Choice Movie Actress: Comedy for Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous – Won
  • 2006 People’s Choice Awards Favorite Female Movie Star – Won
  • 2006 Black Reel Awards Best Ensemble for Crash – Won
  • 2006 Critics’ Choice Award Best Acting Ensemble for Crash – Won
  • 2006 Screen Actors Guild Awards Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture for Crash – Won

Selected Filmography:

  • All About Steve (2009) Mary Magdalene Horowitz
  • The Proposal (2009) Margaret Tate
  • Premonition (2007) Linda Hanson
  • Infamous (2006) Nelle Harper Lee
  • Loverboy (2006) Mrs. Harker
  • The Lake House (2006) Dr. Kate Forster
  • Crash (2005) Jean
  • Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (2005) Gracie Hart
  • Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (2002) Siddalee Walker
  • Murder By Numbers (2002) Detective Cassie Mayweather
  • Two Weeks Notice (2002) Lucy Kelson
  • 28 Days (2000) Gwen Cummings
  • Gun Shy (2000) Judy Tipp
  • Miss Congeniality (2000) Gracie Hart
  • Forces of Nature (1999) Sarah
  • Hope Floats (1998) Birdee Pruitt
  • Practical Magic (1998) Sally Owens
  • Welcome to Hollywood (1998)
  • The Prince of Egypt (1998) Voice of of Miriam
  • Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997) Annie
  • Fire on the Amazon (1996)
  • In Love and War (1996) Agnes Von Kurowsky
  • Two If By Sea (1996) Roz
  • A Time to Kill (1996) Ellen Roark
  • While You Were Sleeping (1995) Lucy Moderatz
  • The Net (1995) Angela Bennett
  • Me and the Mob (1994)
  • Speed (1994) Annie
  • Who Do I Gotta Kill? (1994) Lori
  • Demolition Man (1993) Lenina Huxley
  • When the Party’s Over (1993) Amanda
  • Wrestling Ernest Hemingway (1993) Elaine
  • The Thing Called Love (1993) Linda Lue Linden
  • The Vanishing (1993) Diane
  • Love Potion #9 (1992)Diane Farrow
  • Fire on the Amazon (1991)
  • Who Shot Patakango? (1990) Devlin Moran
  • The Vanishing (1990)
  • Religion, Inc. (1989) Debby
  • A Fool and His Money (1988)
  • Hangmen (1987)

Douche of the Day – German Shoe Thief Fox

That’s right you heard me. Turns out a German fox stole 100 shoes in the small western German town of Foehren.

A forest ranger found some shoes near the fox’s den and came upon a smorgasbord of footwear down the foxhole which had recently been stolen from outside locals’ front doors. I guess German’s leave their shoes outside?

“There was everything from ladies’ shoes to trainers,” said a Foehren policeman. “We’ve found between 110 and 120 so far. It seems a vixen stole them for her cubs to play with.”

Although many were missing laces, the shoes were in good condition and their owners were delighted to reclaim them, said the police spokesmen, adding that revenge wasn’t planned against the lil’ rascal. I’m surprised that the people wanted their shoes back after it had weird German fox diseases all over them.

Either way Ms. Fox, get your own damn shoes… not you Megan, you can grab our Buster Browns any time, you lil’ vixen you. Ooh, and the band Vixen you can polish our Bostonians at your leisure… and Foxy Knoxy, Amanda Knox you scare us, but please feel free to peruse our loafers and try to not to sex murder us.

Smile German Shoe nabbing fox, you are Buzz Pirates Douche of the Day.