Doughnut Sandwich Inventor Xavier Thicksauce Dead at 34

May 19, 2009 – 11:35 pm by Corey

Houston, Texas - Tragedy struck the gargantuan, disgusting fat bastard community as Xavier Thicksauce , inventor of the Doughnut Sandwich died today. With a blood pressure of 167 over 112 only a week ago, a sleeping heart rate of 134 beats per minute and at a weight of 312 pounds, the massive inventor passed away in an expected tragedy. With little more then a phlegmy gurgle, the overweight Thicksauce died in a seated position. Neighbors had heard massive wheezing sound coming from the genius food maestro’s apartment for days prior. The body was discovered with a yellow/orange Doritos cheese dust covering the hands.

Police on the scene said there was little sign of a struggle… other then with a Wii controller. Detective Carlin Winton summed it up, “Yeeeep, appears a game of Wii Bowling took it’s toll on mommy’s little solider [Thicksauce]. Probably could have been worse had the nunchuck controller been involved.” At this time, police have ruled out death by Snack Attack.

Thicksauce had recently been named Lazy Man Cuzine Magazine’s man of the year for his Doughnut Sandwich. The magazine called it the most important discovery in gluttony foodstuffs since the November 2008 invention of “Sugar Mayonaise” by chubby Florida native Blair Goobottom.

The Doughnut Sandwich was recently called an “abomination” and a “fat nightmare” by President Obama’s health adviser donut-bacon-burger Milton Buzzkill. Still, not all people agree with the health adviser’s assessment, as Thicksauce’s invention has found popularity in the plus 300 pound crowd.

“Dude, whatever. That shit is fuckin’ delicious!” said Thicksauce, in an March 2009 interview with Dessert Dinners Double Quarterly. “We’re talking about a glazed doughnut, with a bacon cheeseburger, an egg all topped with Thousand Island dressing. They called Einstein crazy when he invented the light bulb with the Mona Lisa… I’m like that guy, but better with this little taste of heaven.”

Mourners are encouraged to meet at a local IHOP on Thursday to celebrate the life of the rotund pioneer. Xavier Thicksauce is survived by his various snacks, his doughnut sandwich recipe, his high score on Galaga and his cat Sprinkles.

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