Suited and Awesome – The Top Ten Barney Stinson Quotes

How I Met Your Mother is filled with funny quotes, most of them coming from Neil Patrick Harris‘ character Barney Stinson. Armed with a suit, no conscious and awesomeness, Barney Stinson is a player with an insatiable appetite for the ladies. He loves imparting his twisted wisdom to the other guys and we love him for it. Doogie Howser who? Neil Patrick Harris is Leg-end-dary and has singlehandedly made CBS cool. I have a feeling people are going to be angry with what we left off the following top ten list… feel free to leave your favorite Barney Stinson quotes in the comments section.

The Top Ten Barney Stinson Quotes

10. (Season 1) Yelling at Ted for waiting to have sex with a woman: “The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she’s 17 years, 11 months old.”

9. (Season 2): [after Marshal thinks his professor is tough on her grades because she needs to get laid]
Barney Stinson: Marshall, I’ve thought it over and I accept your challenge.

Marshall Eriksen: I didn’t challenge you to have sex with…
Barney Stinson: Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.
[after Barney points Marshal to his professor’s low-cut shirt]
Barney Stinson: The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. You’re watching them bounce, she’s about to pounce.

8. (Season 1): Explaining his strategy for Halloween parties: “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”

7. (Season 3): Barney: There’s no way she’s above the line on the ‘hot/crazy’ scale.
Ted: She’s not even on the ‘hot/crazy’ scale; she’s just hot.
Robin Scherbatsky: Wait, ‘hot/crazy’ scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate!
[draws diagram]
Barney: A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she’s “this” crazy, she has to be “this” hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal’. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob job.
[pauses]
Barney: I should give her a call.

[and then later on – Barney Stinson: Let’s see how Blah Blah’s doing on the hot/crazy scale. She started the night here, but as the night progressed, she has gotten crazier, but she hasn’t gotten any hotter, and she has drifted past the Vicky Mendoza diagonal and getting dangerously close to the Shelly Galezby area. Another girl I dated. She gained ten pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.]

6. (Season 1):I henceforth declare the following- From this moment on, there shall exists in the world of dating and mating a Lemon Law, which for copyright purposes shall be dubbed “The Barney Law.”

It shall operate on the following conditions: all persons involved in a mutually decided upon date have exactly 5 minutes from the moment of meeting to decide if the date will proceed for the rest of the night or not. Within the first five minutes of coming together (high five!) either party can call the date off for any reason.

5. (Season 4): Getting defensive about his potential love for Robin: “You know who is confused? Bimbos. They’re easily confused. It’s one of the thousand little things I love about them. I love their vacant, trusting stares; their sluggish, unencumbered minds; their unresolved daddy issues. I love them Lily, and they love me. Bimbos have always been there for me, through thick and thin-mostly thin. B-man don’t do thick crust, what up!”

4. (Season 3): Reminiscing about his first sexual experience: “That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.”

3. (Season 3): Explaining to Marshall about his qualities: “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda!”

2. (Season 4): [At Stuart’s alcoholism intervention, Barney brings a bottle of liquor]
Barney Stinson: Come on, Stuart, time to unleash the big, green monster.
Stuart: No!
Barney Stinson: People don’t want to see Bruce Banner, they want to see the Hulk. Hulk! Hulk! Hulk! Hulk!
[Robin whispers into Barney’s ear]
Barney Stinson: What? That’s what I get for skimming the Evite.

1. (Season 4): “The point is, marriage is stupid. Every day new 22-year olds go into bars, and call me glass-half-full, but I think they’re getting dumber.

40 thoughts on “Suited and Awesome – The Top Ten Barney Stinson Quotes

  1. You always hit on the second hottest bridesmaid at the wedding. She won’t be expecting it.

  2. Pingback: The Top 10 Barney Stimson Quotes | Mick Landers

  3. “Talking to a woman that you have already had sex with is like changing the oil on a rental car.” That one slays me every time.

  4. “I’m going out of this world the same way I came into it, buck naked. Yeah. Gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. What up?!?”

  5. Pingback: An Orange Peel » Blog Archive » 100 Days Later - Part 2

  6. “Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let’s not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America’s laughed enough.” Best Barney Stinson Quotes

  7. “Here’s the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”

  8. “Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn’t have even heard he died. They’d be all, “Hey Jesus, what up?” and Jesus would probably be like, “What up? I died yesterday!” and they’d be all, “Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude…” and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude would be like “Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro…” And he’s not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody’s busy, doing chores, workin’ the loom, trimmin’ the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it’s Sunday, so everyone’s in church already, and they’re all in there like “Oh no, Jesus is dead”, and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin’ up the aisle, everyone’s totally psyched, and FYI, that’s when he invented the high five. That’s why we wait three days to call a woman, because that’s how long Jesus wants us to wait…. True story.”

  9. Barney Stinson, justifying his smoking habit to Ted: “I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I’m with Germans, (sometimes those two overlap,) coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course—wait for it—’cause Lord knows I have—pregnancy scares.”
    Ted: “Well, why are you smoking right now?”
    Barney: “I’m always pre-coital, Ted.”

  10. How to run a marathon:
    Step 1 you start running and there’s not step 2…

  11. All this time i have been suited up, when i should have suited down

  12. Preview:i am katy perry and i am going to be on how i met your mother this weekend.
    Barney:I am NPH and i am going to be on katy perry this weekend.

  13. “Ted: Do you have a cold?

    Barney: I’m fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out.”

  14. “It’s gonna be Leg-en-and-I-hope-you’re-not-lactose-intolerant-becuase-the-next-half-of-that-word-is-darryyyy!(:”

  15. “God, it’s me, Barney. What up? I know we don’t talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.”

  16. Lily is working on a painting of Barney holding a sword.
    Lily: “I don’t think your sword will fit.”
    Barney: “I get that a lot.”

  17. Barney, describing his brother: “He’s the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!”
    Lily: “He’s exactly like Barney.”
    Barney: “That’s what I just said.”

  18. Hey ted, robin…..u know how being friends with me ain’t easy cos am too AWESOME- barney stinson

  19. Barney is legen… Wait for it … Dary ;)
    I am so glad he gets married to Robin I knew he would from the start

  20. he’s sooo damn hottttttt,,,,, so wt if he’s gay, i mean atleast in dreams i can imagine him straight ;-)

  21. I henceforth declare the following- From this moment on, there shall exists in the world of dating and mating a Lemon Law, which for copyright purposes shall be dubbed “The Gaurab Law.” It shall operate on the following conditions: all persons involved in a mutually decided upon date have exactly 5 minutes from the moment of meeting to decide if the date will proceed for the rest of the night or not. Within the first five minutes of coming together (high five!) either party can call the date off for any reason.

  22. Tell her…, okay I’ll fill her in. And I am so mad that I won’t even make a joke about filling her in which I did twice this morning….self five

  23. Now the golden rule is love thy neighbors, but there is one rule above it, the Platinum Rule : never, ever, ever love thy neighbour

  24. Ted, if you want to nail something at this wedding, loose the trapper keeper
    The only thing you need to bring to Cleveland is this ( holds up magazine) ” single file ladies, no fatties”
    Ted: Barney that’s ridiculous
    Barney: you’re right, it’s Cleveland …… (deadpan) single file ladies.

  25. Group: Where should we go to eat
    Ted: “Chinese?”
    Barney: “I Don’t Like Chinese”
    Ted: “Indian?”
    Barney: “I told you I don’t like Chinese”
    Ted: “Indian is not Chinese”
    Barney: “Weird, Meet Funny Music, Side of Rice…Why are we splitting hairs?”
    Ted: “Mexican?”
    Barney: “I told you I don’t like Chinese!”

  26. Are you sure you’re pregnant? I’ve spent years training my boys to swim the other way…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>