Everybody poops. When you gotta go you gotta go. Pardon me while I freshen up. Yo, I gotta drop a deuce. Whatever your lingo, going to the 
bathroom in public can be a stressful experience, beset with difficulty locating a clean and accessible toilet. Obviously there is no place like home (or at least a place you know and trust). When you are out in public, though, we all know how disgusting rest stops, gas stations, restaurants, sporting events, movie theatres(the wooooorst), malls and countless other public bathrooms can be. This is where Buzz Pirates’ Practical Survival Guide comes in. We look at the places that we think are the best for you to go when you are on the go. Some of the choices are obvious, but some are bathroom choices you may not have realized were simple and available. Happy pooping!
Our top ten has been scored based on three primary categories:
Stress: Chance of being bothered in or en route, sneakiness required
Accessibility: Ease of finding initial place, ease of finding bathroom once inside location
Cleanliness: Self-explanatory
10. Museum – Hey, why not? Original right? Well, a museum is quiet, clean and with routine upkeep its likely that you’ll find a nice clean bathroom. Although its possible that it could be an older style bathroom that never seems totally clean. Problems arise in many bigger museums which require an entrance fee or suggested donations or tiny museums with little to no upkeep. Also, the overall availability of museums is limited, finding one might be a matter of luck in a town/city you are not familiar with. We suggest something med
ium or smaller in size to minimize dealing with employees. Stress – 6; Access – 2; Cleanliness – 6. SCORE – 14
9. Restaurant – Ever run into a restaurant just to use the bathroom? Of course you have! There’s not shortage of them around, but the key is to avoid fast food places (filthy restrooms) or low volume/fancy restaurants (too much of a chance of staff budding in). Overall its an ok, if not inspired choice… and the problem is that even the nicest restaurants can still have gross bathrooms. (Just ask Britney Spears – that’s her leaving a Quiznos bathroom). Stress – 4; Access – 10; Cleanliness – 2. SCORE – 16
8. Bank – This is a difficult one, but still good. The bathrooms are low traffic and more importantly kept clean. This is due to the fact that banks are big on customer service these days when it comes to simple things. Problem is, that customer service means that in most banks someone will bother you before you can sneak into the bathroom. The best bet in these situations is pick a big bank with easier maneuverability or bite the bullet and simply ask an overzealous manager where the toilet is. Stress – 2; Access – 9; Cleanliness – 6. SCORE – 17
7. Coffee Shop – Its easy to walk into your local coffee shop, Dunkin’ Donuts or Starbucks and make a B-line for the bathroom without being hassled. Plus with little food, the bathrooms should be relatively clear of too much mess and regularly kept up. Stress – 8; Access – 9; Cleanliness – 2. SCORE – 19
6. School – Obviously Buzz Pirates does not advocate walking into strange grade schools and using the bathroom…that’s just creepy. No, look for a college…any college, doesn’t matter if its Harvard, your local tech college or community college. Finding the bathroom on school grounds may take a little longer then you like. Still, find anywhere large enough that you can walk around a little bit without presenting a school ID and your set. Go School! Stress – 7; Access – 6; Cleanliness – 7. SCORE – 20
5. Municipal Building (Townhall/Court) – I know, the thought of it seems a little nerve racking. Who’d think to go to a municipal building just to go to the bathroom. But, with very traffic in most municipal buildings and people tending to mind their own business, if you just quickly get in and get out you should be fine. The stress level might be slightly higher here, but its a great option. Maybe you’ll get a peak into traffic court if your lucky… if not, there must be some good reading material, like a pamphlet on local events, joining the municipal pool or a schedule of trash pick up…enjoy. Stress – 4; Access – 9; Cleanliness – 8. SCORE – 21
4. Department Store – Whether you are talking about Macy’s, Nordstrom’s or any other classic mall department store or a big box discount store like Target, Best Buy or Walmart. In the mall its a cleaner, less busy option then the regular public bathroom. Free standing huge discount stores are everywhere. Best of all department stores are relatively well maintained, easy to find the bathroom and no one working there would even notice if you came in just to use the facilities. Stress – 9; Access – 8; Cleanliness – 5. SCORE – 22
3. Bookstore/Library – Quiet, clean, no one will bother you and all the reading material you could ever want. This would be the top choice if this option was more assessable in a pinch. I’m a huge fan of the Barnes and Nobles option. Stress – 9; Access – 6; Cleanliness – 9. SCORE – 23
2. Office Building - Regularly cleaned, plentiful and endless in supply all over the country, office buildings are a super strong choice. The only possible problem I can see is a doorman. Our insiders have also reported an increase in number code or key locked bathrooms, but the unlocked, clean, well stocked oasis exists in your town and in Everytown…we guarantee it. Stress – 6; Access – 8; Cleanliness – 10. SCORE – 24
1. Hotel – Now, its got to be a nice hotel, at the very least a hotel with a lobby. The common area bathrooms are cleaned just as much as 
theprivate room bathrooms, and they are less likely to be used for anything too intimate or anything bound to create a mess. The larger the hotel the better. Hopefully you aren’t immediately confronted upon entry by a front desk, bellhop or other staff member, but if you are chances are they will bend over backwards to help you out. Any hotel lobby or main floor should have a bathroom, plus hotels are easy to find everywhere. Play your cards right and you might even get a bathroom attendant – which I hate in restaurants and bars, but in a hotel it can be sorta classy – and you get free stuff! You might be slightly nervous walking into a hotel that you have no business in and it might help to be dressed nice, but have confidence and you will see why a Hotel is our number 1 place to use a bathroom in public. Stress – 7; Access – 9; Cleanliness – 10. SCORE – 26
worked on 18 tv/movie projects since the end of the series. Most and least notable achievements include feature films The Chubbchubbs Save Christmas where he played Santa, Hellboy II-The Golden Army, Monsters vs. Aliens; TV guest appearances on New Adventures of Old Christine, CSI and Law and Order. He also subsequently starred in three failed sit-coms: WordGirl, Welcome to the Captain, and most recently 20 Good Years with fellow veteran actor John Lithgow. Look for him in five more movies this year, before he reprises his role as George Bluth in the Arrested Development movie in 2010.
Jessica Walter a.k.a. Lucille Bluth has also been busy since Arrested Development’s demise. This Brooklyn native had a role in the 2006 film Unaccompanied Minors, guest spots on Law and Order, and Saving Grace. She can currently be seen every Tuesday night as the wealthy alcoholic ex-actress grandmother on the very popular 90210 remake. She was nominated for a golden globe in Play Misty for Me with Clint Eastwood in 1971.
aster, and of course the Arrested Development feature film.
n films Curious George, She’s the Man, Alvin & the Chipmunks, and Kung Fu Panda. TV guest spots include Law and Order, Family Guy and The Colbert Report. Some will say that his HBO cult classic sketch show Mr. Show with Bob and David is even funnier that Arrested Development. Three more films due out this year including what is sure to be a smash hit: Alvin & the Chipmunks-The Squeakquel. You may also find him on the arm of his 25 year old girlfriend Amber Tamblyn, who is the star of the new TV Drama The Unusuals and is probably best known for her roles on General Hospital, Joan of Arcadia and as one of the four teens in the film Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Portia De Rossi (born Amanda Lee Rogers) a.k.a. Lindsay Bluth Fünke has remained on the small screen since Arrested Development, acting on ten episodes of Nip/Tuck, and now starring in the new sit-com Better off Ted. The Aussie first gained notice on Ally McBeal. She is also the longtime partner of Ellen Degeneres.
down his recent list of credits, I can honestly say that I don’t recall seeing him in the majority of these popular productions. Have you seen him in Stranger than Fiction, Because I Said So, Samantha Who, ER, or the United? Currently, he has a recurring role on the TV series Chuck, and look hard for him in six feature films set for release this year before he reprises his role as America’s favorite Mama’s Boy in the 2010 Arrested Development movie.
Michael Cera a.k.a. George Michael Bluth. His role on Arrested Development paved the way for this 21 year old’s rise to stardom and boy has he risen. Reportedly, he was the hold out for the movie version, and was the last to sign on to the project. Since the series ended, we have seen Michael Cera in blockbusters like Superbad, Juno, Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist, and Extreme Movie. Three more films still set to be released this year before he reprises his role as the awkward cousin-loving frozen banana salesman George Michael Bluth.
Development movie? A successful child star, Alia has been on TV since age 11, however since Arrested Development was cancelled, she hasn’t been quite as busy as her co-stars. She’s done a guest spot on Veronica Mars, and appeared on three episodes of The Starter Wife (which was also cancelled). All is not lost though-look for her in three movies due out this year and then in 2010 when she reprises her role as the mischievous attention seeking love interest of her cousin in the Arrested Development movie.
Prejean made some headlines with her anti-gay marriage stance during the Miss USA pageant. Perez Hilton’s asked her about gay marriage and instead of just giving some sort of boilerplate answer she dug herself a hole, and probably cost herself thousands of dollars to be made in standing in front of things. What makes this even crazier is that she’s Miss California – like, one of the most gay-friendly states in the US. First she said “everyone has a choice” – which is obviously false – gay marriage is only legal a few states. Second she referred to “opposite marriage.” Lastly, she said she was raised to believe marriage should be between a man and a woman. Well, at least she’s now endorsed by super high end institutions like 
the announcement that production will shut down on Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Somali Sunshine. “In the wake of the Somali pirates hostage situation and the standoff with the U.S. navy and all, we thought we might hurt the delicate sensitivities of our investors.” He continued, “we’re in the business of making the community of our investors happy, and in the wake of the actions of a certain person, we feel like the ‘Pirates‘ franchise is no longer profitable.”
pirate brogue said, “Me action figures be available for $29.95 on Disney’s website…savvy?” Then Depp reached into his right pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a Cheerios-like cereal, and yelled “and coming soon be Jack Sparrow’s Pirate Crunch.” Depp then threw the handful of cereal at Associated Press journalist Justin Pritchard. Depp then yelled “ARRRRRRRR!!!!” as Pritchard wiped the cereal off his suit.
the normally calm Depp’s outrageous behavior.
Today is 4/20. Remove the slash and you’ve got a term more important to stoners than any other combination of characters in the english language. For those of you who are pot-illiterate, “420″ is a term used to describe the consumption (or should I say inhalation) of marijuana.
There are many rumors surrounding the origins of 420. Some people claim it is the police code in many cities for crimes related to marijuana. Others state that back in the late seventies, the 
unfortunate struggle should not overshadow a long and diverse career for the well coiffed star of stage, screen and song. A talented dancer, who was able to segway into movies was in plenty of classics from the 80′s and 90′s like Ghost, Point Break, Red Dawn, Dirty Dancing, The Outsiders and the classic small town bar bouncer tale Road House (which I’ll watch on cable and Saturday morning you ask me to). He always has come off as a pretty decent guy with a good sense of humor…remember his SNL Chippendales skit with Chris Farley? His most recent project is and FBI set show on A&E The Beast.
ke, 30,000 people nationwide with a Fantasy Football team or screen name of “tea bagger or tea bagging” or some such thing. There’s even a character on Prison Break named T-Bag. Do your homework people!
white paint on it. The cat, who accidentally got white paint on herself while crawling under a freshly painted fence was unavailable for comment. Le Pew, a skunk with a French accent has long been accused of raping temporarily pigmented felines.
Barney Stinson. Armed with a suit, no conscious and awesomeness, Barney Stinson is a player with an insatiable appetite for the ladies. He loves imparting his twisted wisdom to the other guys and we love him for it. Doogie Howser who? Neil Patrick Harris is Leg-end-dary and has singlehandedly made CBS cool. I have a feeling people are going to be angry with what we left off the following top ten list… feel free to leave your favorite Barney Stinson quotes in the comments section.
mating a Lemon Law, which for copyright purposes shall be dubbed “The Barney Law.”
For the record his real name is Kalpen Suresh Modi. I thought it was weird when he was picked to speak at the Obama inauguration. I figured it was simply because he fit a certain demographic. I guess underestimated Mr. Penn as he is now the incoming Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Liaison in the Barack Obama administration.