With the season finale of Eastbound and Down on Sunday, we figured it was a good time to revisit some of our favorite quotes from our favorite show. I know we are forgetting plenty of great lines, feel free to add them to the comments. I’d also like to say that the principal has become my second favorite character in the show… he was ridiculous in the episode where they had the BBQ.
Here are some of our favorite Kenny Powers Quotes…
(When principal says that he does triathlons) “I play real sports…not trying to be the best at exercising.”
“Why is there blue shit on your face Cleg? What, did you just blow Robocop?”
“There is one vision that gives me constant happiness, your two enormous breasts.”
Principal: “And who is this lovely lady you have here with you?” Kenny: “Lovely? Her?”
“What did I tell you, put something nice on. You look like a busted Daytona stripper.”
“I’m a bulletproof tiger man!”
“Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless”
“You’re fucking out!” (and the title of Kenny’s audio book “You’re Fucking Out, I’m Fucking In”)
“You named your daughter after fucking Titanic? Haha, what’s this one’s name…Shrek?…guess not”
“What’s up, Deshauna?”
(when asked by his gym class if he was in rehab because he hurt himself) “Yeah I hurt myself….My nose” (and winks)
(After hugging April) – “Yeah girl, I’m going to have to change my pants. I’m just kidding… I didn’t cum myself”
“I’m not going to stop yelling because that would mean, I lost the fight!”
Interviewer: “So Kenny, how do you like playing in New York?” Kenny: “You mean Jew York…its fucking great.”
“I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad, shit, they’re nothing compared to these fags you got here in San Francisco…haha”
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Dr. Cock and Balls
Chapter 2: the next chapter
“When you said that you were coming with me to Tampa, you were so happy. So I couldn’t go and crush your feelings by telling you that you weren’t coming. Instead I decided to give you the most awsomeness gift ever and I let you think you were coming with me to Tampa for the last week. That’s the kind of friend I am to you”
“We can’t be friends because it’ll be too tempting for me to go back to my old ways of trying to get back to the show since you used to be my manager. And that is a road I don’t want to down right now”
Thats what an assistant does. He drives me around when I get shit hammered.
“i heard you was into fags.. didnt you have to go to the hospital the other day to get ur sphincter muscle put back in, your asshole is so loose it just fell on the floor.. i dont know. thats just what i heard”
Naw, he looks like shit. He looks like a bag of mashed up assholes.
Will Farrel…best line of the season.
Those are my closers. You know, for people that are on the fence. If you’re a guy…Sandra will suck your dick. And well, if you happen to be a woman. Then Scott here will finger you with his penis!
I can’t talk to you with your tits hanging out like cabbages
I’m super super sad….I’ve been stripped of all my god given talents…including the talents to be able to have sex with any woman I choose, to throw a fuckin ball fast, or to not prematurely cum in my pants. Sometimes I just don’t even know which one hurts the most.
ahahaha probably one of my favorite shows.
When hes asks claig.”you got my shit? Why is it in a zipped locked bag? are these mushrooms? talking about the fuckin steriods”
Did you et it? no i got something better. well dont keep me in suspense i got a fucking dool to go to. My line of heaven i like to oxycotten. OXYCOTTEN? man im not trin to get fuckd up im tryin to strike this mother fucker out! wait doesnt mean i wont want it for later”
hahahaha
” Baby , I love you , but you dress like a dickhead ” – before the cookout , with his date.
on monday I want this tape on the desk of every scout in the east , fuck the west , fuck them up the butt-hole
“That’s my boss, don’t suck him off”
Good list, but almost all of them were misquoted. TooManyQuotes.com has a carefully-created list of every single good quote from season 1 of East Bound and Down.
KP: Listen, I dont want any pussy getting wet dresses for this cookout….
KP: Honey I love you, I think you’re a terrific girl, but you have clothes like a fucking dickhead
NO NO NO- GET OFF THERE BLONDE AMBITION 2….HES GOT DOO DOO AND CHOCOLATE ALL OVER HIS HANDS….THIS IS NOT A TOY, DUSTIN…DO U KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF HE DRY ACCELLERATED THIS JETSKI ON LAND, HE WOULD HAVE RUINED IT. CASSY, DONT U STARE AT ME WITH THOSE DEAD EYES U CHURCH BITCH, IM SORRY INSTANTLY I REGRET SAYING THAT….ITS JUST, IM KENNY POWERS!!!! AND IM VERY UPSET WITH HOW IM ACTING RIGHT NOW, SO IM GOIN GO AHEAD AND GO, BUT IM NOT GONNA STOP YELLING CAUSE THATLL MEAN THAT I LOST THE FIGHT, SO IM VERY SORRY, I LOVE YALL VERY MUCH, PLEASE LEAVE A KEY UNDER THE MAT, PEACE OUT….IM GOIN TO SHH BOOMS!!!!!!!!!
it’s “TRACY, I LOVE YOU. BUT YOU HAVE CLOTHES LIKE A FUCKING DICKHEAD”
not dress like a dickhead.
“For a minute there I thought Ashley Schaffer was a woman…Ill take that as a compliment cuz I like woman…You should…I am..Im taking it.”
I can feel it…down in my plums.
“You should see my fuckin’ cookouts man…When I was back in Seattle, I had the goddamn Spoonman from the Soundgarden video’s comin’ to my shit.”
“This face used to cash fuckin cheques…… and this dick…….woooooh”
“wha..what happened?” “you were driving, and, and you smashed into this boat,… cause you were drunk” “No wha, you were driving”.. “YOU were driving,I was in the passenger seat I’m luck to be alive”.. “No you..ahh” “You were driving cause your my assistant, that’s what my assitant does, he drives me around when I get shithammered”..”What am, am I really your assistant ??.” I don’t know that depends,.. were you drivin ?” ” Yes ! Yes ! I was driving” ” Yes of course you were, or course you were. Alright well I’m gonna split because I got priors but….see ya at school” Points finger, EASTBOUND & DOWN.
The best one by Stevie J
“Who are some of these motherfuckers at this party”?
The absolute best is when he popped the ecstasy before the dance and right before he clears the floor to start dancing he says, “Work drugs.”
you know…if i took you from behind i’d be fucking myself over right now…you look like a retarded michael myers.
yeah nice job making 3 bucks a week you dipshit…sell weed you’d make more money.
“you know the black plague started in birdbaths just like that…yup, Rats made sex to birds and created a whole new type of aids” or when Will Ferrell said “Thats my game! Dick-Slapping is my game!”
Listen here you beautiful bitch, im bout to fuck you up with some truth.
Watch it ass blood.
If theres one thing i hate it’s loosing, if theres two things I hate it’s loosing and getting cancer.
It’s for your safety too, because you don’t know what kind of shit I got.
“i’m going to be making so much money your parents will be offended. Remember that class where i taught you how to make it rain? thats what i’ll be doing everyday, dollar dollar bills y’all”
“i dont mean to interupt your fun but i just saw two boys…raping a student, im just kidding”
agent: “kenny powers”
kenny: “who are you”
agent: “I’m your dad, just kidding your dad’d dead”
After throwing up at the school dance.
“It was the eggrolls not the ecstasy.”
come on stevie eyes are goin fuckin awol man!
“I’ve got an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python and the mind of a fucking scientist.”
“I love women, but every woman comes with a gaping hole of need that even kenny powers can’t fill.”
Always good when someone says they are posting quotes, and then posts a bunch of horribly butchered phrases pulled from their fractured memory. Great job, there is not a single actual quote on this entire page. Fucknuts.
“rats make sex to birds and create a whole new type of AIDS!!
( after knocking over the bird bath, and pitching 68 mph) hahaha!! Classic!
kenny talking to his brothers 6 year old son
“In my desk, the second drawer to the left, where i keep my weed, under the handgun, there’s my stack of pornos”
funniest line
Hop off there, Blond Ambition Tour!
What? tonight tonight? Fuck that noise, I cant tonight. I got shit set up. Getting paid like 15 notes.
So this is your place?
-Thats why my nameis on the goddam sign outside.
with your name, I thought you’d be a woman
- Well, I like woman, so i’ll take that as a compliment.
you should
-I am……Im taking it.
man, FUCK YOUR SIDING!
woo hoo wake the fuckin neighborhood up
April “Why is Steve Naked? why does he have no shirt on?”
Kenny “Hes probably just having a really awesome time. Wonder what that movie is?”
i left you a little something, in the second drawer of my computer desk, you know, the one i keep my weed in, underneath the handgun theres a stack of porno mags that will put calauses on your hands
its me stevie. stevie janowskie, i was the drum major. what the fuck is that? hahaha
THE BEST QOUTE:
” I’M GOING TO SHABOOM!”
all those writing about others butchering the quotes, are fairy’s. keep your comments to yourself, besides you look tools memorizing quotes from a TV show anyway. This is why Americans are so dumb
Tool O’tools Your fuckin out!
Hey Tools, on the subject of American’s being dumb I would like to point out first, your lovely American flag next to your name, second, the fact that you are on a page dedicated to quoting a TV show saying the people who are interested in the subject matter are tools (which makes you a what?) and third your inability to pluralize the word fairy properly as FAIRIES (it is more than one fairy not something belonging to a fairy).
If you’ve got to be a douche at least try not to be a retard about it.
My favorites – that I am able to use in conversation –
1- KP.. I am disappointed in my own arm and how it is trying to buttfuck me back here.
2- KP – I am about 2 days away from being in the best condition of my life.
3- KP- My business in being a God damn powerhouse and making millions of bucks.
4- KP – You buttfucked me Cassie – out of $4993 dollars.
This might be the most inaccurate quotes page in the history of mankind. Fuck everyone who bastardized this great show.
I’m the man who has the ball. I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck!
GREATEST LINE FROM THE SHOW; HANDS DOWN.
“I cant talk to you with your tits hanging out like cabbages!”
i am from wilmington where all this was filmed. ShhBooms is actually a really kick ass bar called BluePost downtown.
Tool o’ Tools your still fuckin out!
KP- “What the hell you doing buying cocaine Mackworthy, I thought you were Christian now”
Funniest shit right there!
“Your fuckin out”
alright fine! we’ll lower the price on the bat, but i’m not going to budge on the pillow. anyone who wouldnt pay that price is a fucking idiot. its a god damn steal (crosses arm as he shrugs)