Eastbound and Down Quotes – Kenny Powers Unleashed
March 18, 2009 – 2:51 pm by Corey
With the season finale of Eastbound and Down on Sunday, we figured it was a good time to revisit some of our favorite quotes from our favorite show. I know we are forgetting plenty of great lines, feel free to add them to the comments. I’d also like to say that the principal has become my second favorite character in the show… he was ridiculous in the episode where they had the BBQ.
Be sure to check out 
for some free podcasts and trailers. Here are some of our favorite Kenny Powers Quotes…
(When principal says that he does triathlons) “I play real sports…not trying to be the best at exercising.”
“Why is there blue shit on your face Cleg? What, did you just blow Robocop?”
“There is one vision that gives me constant happiness, your two enormous breasts.”
Principal: “And who is this lovely lady you have here with you?” Kenny: “Lovely? Her?”
“What did I tell you, put something nice on. You look like a busted Daytona stripper.”
“I’m a bulletproof tiger man!”
“Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless”
“You’re fucking out!” (and the title of Kenny’s audio book “You’re Fucking Out, I’m Fucking In”)
“You named your daughter after fucking Titanic? Haha, what’s this one’s name…Shrek?…guess not”
“What’s up, Deshauna?”
(when asked by his gym class if he was in rehab because he hurt himself) “Yeah I hurt myself….My nose” (and winks)
(After hugging April) – “Yeah girl, I’m going to have to change my pants. I’m just kidding… I didn’t cum myself”
“I’m not going to stop yelling because that would mean, I lost the fight!”
Interviewer: “So Kenny, how do you like playing in New York?” Kenny: “You mean Jew York…its fucking great.”
“I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad, shit, they’re nothing compared to these fags you got here in San Francisco…haha”
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109 Responses to “Eastbound and Down Quotes – Kenny Powers Unleashed”
Awesome post…I love this show.
Yeah, you misquoted pretty much all of ‘em, AND you left out some of the best ones:
“I don’t mean to break up the fun here, but I just saw two boys RAPING a sixth grader… just kidding.”
“You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife, Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more the he can go fuck himself, cause those charges were dropped.”
“I’m the man with the ball. I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I’m better than everyone else in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.”
almost all of these quotes are incorrect… plus, you missed all of the funny ones. way to suck.
I said no hunny, you let him watch
I’m just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Shut up you beautiful bitch
Step into my office let’s do some blow. Finally motherfucker.
Oh and my favorite “The man with the golden dick.”
My favorite is the “Fuck That Noise”….about the Dance.
And……
How much you give me to slam dunk this shit into that trashcan?
“i got the fame, the money, the jewls, the cash, the denali. gettin drunk on the reg, good times on the reg, yahts on the reg, sex on the reg.”
I’m about to fuck your head up with some truth!”
Gold might get you tickets to the Jonas Brothers, Black will get all three of them sucking your dick!
“He’s with me, dont bust balls” When he walks into the dance.
“no offence, but you shop like a dickhead.”
I agree with Evan. The whole scene where he rolls at the dance is probably the best in the season, I think. I couldn’t stop laughing the whole time.
This is one from the last episode..
when he’s talking to april at the chinesse restaurant
“listen bitch, I’m about to fuck up your head with some truth…
wow..
great show
that april chick is hot has hell
to tell you the truth
she’s the reason I can’t miss the show..
I need me a olive skin bitch like that in my life..
“If at first you don’t succeed then maybe you just suck”
“Its always darkest before you pass out”
“I feel like friending someone and I aint talkin facebook”
“The fastest way to a woman’s heart is through her bra”
“This is a real job. It aint like teachin kids, I can’t just get fucked up”
“I know one of us has had their own personal stylist and the other shoplifts their shit from fashion bug, thats what I know.”
When Principle Cuttler mentions that he is also an athlete and is entering the triathlon,
Kenny :”I play a real sport for real men, not trying to be the best at fucking exercising.”
Fucking priceless
“Alright you stoic little bastard. In the computer room, little second drawer where I keep my weed underneath the handgun, there’s a stack of porn that’ll put callouses on those little hands of yours.”
i love this show..its freaking hilarious. some of my favs are “I’m just trying to get my fuck on” when talkin to April in chapter 1. “Hold onto your dick!” when he did the U-turn when he saw Klegg..driving with Janowski
The best is by far when he is saying by to the fat blonde kid and he says something like,
i know there is a great big set of testicals inside you, let em drop, just let em drop.
sorry to all you quote police out there if i wasn’t 100% accurate.
“I’m gonna buttfuck this party!”
“ive got an arm like a cannon, a cock like a python, and the mind of a scientist!”
At the dance, before he breaks it down
“What drugs”
“At the dance, before he breaks it down
“What drugs””
He says, “Work, drugs”
Which actually makes sense because he’s on ecstasy.
Stevie to Kenny at the cookout -
“We’re the only cool people here…everyone else is a bunch of posers, and hoes, and shitheads.”
I bought into the Native American myghology, you can smoke a peace pipe til your dick falls off, but i’m not dancin with fucking wolves no matter how high i get.
Kenny Powers
my all time favorite. “how about i finger you with my penis.” (might be slightly misquoted)
“It was the egg-rolls not the ecstasy”
kenny powers needs to quit ripping off my jokes and get orig on the reg.
donny baker
If there’s one thing I hate; it’s losing
If there’s two things I hate; it’s losing and getting cancer.
“You’re fucking out!”
“I’m just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking canon”
“A man fights and fights and then fights some more because surrender is death and death is for pussies”
“My ass aint no pussy, my ass is a fucking champion”
“How many times do I got to tell you this, Gatorade is still trying to get a piece of my ass, the IRS is up in my shit and I need to take a job just so the government can’t garnish my fucking wages”
“I’m the man who has the ball, I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck, so that is why I am better than everyone is the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone”
“I think I’m gonna have to change my pants… I’m just kidding; I didn’t cum in my pants”
“I play real sports, not trying to be the best at exercising”
“Yeah I’m famous, la de da big fucking deal”
“Oh you think that’s funny, how about I show you my balls right hear and you tell me if they shrunk!”
“No for your information I have full size balls”
“I don’t mean to break up the good time hear but I just saw two boys raping a sixth grader…. Naw I’m just kidding”
“Alright so let me get this straight, so… I’m gonna pay for a blowjob and I gotta pay for a god damn hotel room too, well that just seems like I’m spending too much money for nothing, I got a house, you can get your ass over here and I can just do the blowjob here”
“Can I wear the scream mask…The mask from scream, when I do you from behind”
the CORRECT line when there at the japanese steak house is:
“listen here you beautiful bitch im about to fuck you up with some truth..” hahaha
i love when he’s telling the kids when he’s leavin “dollar dollar bills yall”
funny show!!
listen you beautiful bitch, I’m about to fuck you up with some truth
“Waving around her cervix like it’s the only ticket in town”
“Sorry for kissing, on her pussy, your fiance. That happened too.”
Watch out, Ass Blood! Hahahaha
“What are you doing in my bedroom?”…
“Definitely NOT creeping around like a rapist…” Hahaha
“I didn’t mean to…kiss…on her pussy, your fiance…..that happened too.”
“I met him at a bar, I used to watch him on TV. And then I saw him in a bar..and the next thing you know, I’m sucking his dick on a jet ski!”
“That’s not what I was insinuating with my body language at all. I was simply saying, welcome to Shh-Boom Shh-Booms.”
“This bar smells like an old lady farted piss.”
“So I gotta pay for a blowjob, and I gotta pay for a God damn hotel room too? Well that just sounds like I’m spendin too much money. I mean, I got a house, we could just do the blowjob over here.”
“And can I wear the Scream mask…the mask from Scream…when I do you from behind.”
“If you need me I’ll be out cruisin in my Esca…ugh…Denali.”
“The amount of money I’ll be makin would hurt your parents feelings. Remember the class where I taught you all how to make it rain? That’s what I’ll be doin every night, dollar…dollar…bills y’all.”
“POWERS OUT!!!”
defiantly funniest quote is
who does she thinks she is waving around her cervix like it’s the only ticket in town
I had a dream about this moment… When I was making love… to my wife Donna. On top a her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said “No, Gabriel! Leave!” And I said “No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch.” Let him watch what is being consecrated here. And I want the people to watch what is going to be consecrated here. And I will bring my son down here, and he will watch.
“I just need me a little TLC” Tracy
“What you need is a shit ton of Valtrax” Clegg
“How much will ya’ll give me if i slam drunk this tray in the trash can?” KP
“Tracy, I love you. But you got clothes like a fucking dickhead.” KP
“Watch it Ass Blood!” Stevie
“Dick Slapping’s My Game” Ashley Schaffer
Stevie: This party fucking sucks. We’re the only cool ones here. Everyone else is just a bunch of posers and hos.
When the fake agent comes to offer him a chance at playing with the Braves:
(not correct)
“You see this card? This is better than a black card. A black card will get the Jonas Brothers make an appearance. With this card you can have all three of them suck your dick!”
BEST SHOW EVER!!!
it’s fucking hilarious!
“WORK DRUGZ!”….he dances on X at phillips fundraiser.
“U ready to get down with this party?”
“Im ready to fuckin buttfuck this party”
“Alright lets Fuck!”
“Lets fuckin Fuck each other!”
“Lets get down and start fuckin”
“On your knees!”
“In front of the kids”
“Lets FUCK THE KIDS!”
“City bitch”
Love the show, its bananas!
“I’m talkin’ bout ME: in store, live, un-cut,in person, bringing in the customers…LUUUBBBiN THE DEALS!!!”-Kenny Powers
Dr. Cock and Balls
Chapter 2: the next chapter
“When you said that you were coming with me to Tampa, you were so happy. So I couldn’t go and crush your feelings by telling you that you weren’t coming. Instead I decided to give you the most awsomeness gift ever and I let you think you were coming with me to Tampa for the last week. That’s the kind of friend I am to you”
“We can’t be friends because it’ll be too tempting for me to go back to my old ways of trying to get back to the show since you used to be my manager. And that is a road I don’t want to down right now”
Thats what an assistant does. He drives me around when I get shit hammered.
“i heard you was into fags.. didnt you have to go to the hospital the other day to get ur sphincter muscle put back in, your asshole is so loose it just fell on the floor.. i dont know. thats just what i heard”
Naw, he looks like shit. He looks like a bag of mashed up assholes.
Will Farrel…best line of the season.
Those are my closers. You know, for people that are on the fence. If you’re a guy…Sandra will suck your dick. And well, if you happen to be a woman. Then Scott here will finger you with his penis!
I can’t talk to you with your tits hanging out like cabbages
I’m super super sad….I’ve been stripped of all my god given talents…including the talents to be able to have sex with any woman I choose, to throw a fuckin ball fast, or to not prematurely cum in my pants. Sometimes I just don’t even know which one hurts the most.
ahahaha probably one of my favorite shows.
When hes asks claig.”you got my shit? Why is it in a zipped locked bag? are these mushrooms? talking about the fuckin steriods”
Did you et it? no i got something better. well dont keep me in suspense i got a fucking dool to go to. My line of heaven i like to oxycotten. OXYCOTTEN? man im not trin to get fuckd up im tryin to strike this mother fucker out! wait doesnt mean i wont want it for later”
hahahaha
” Baby , I love you , but you dress like a dickhead ” – before the cookout , with his date.
on monday I want this tape on the desk of every scout in the east , fuck the west , fuck them up the butt-hole
“That’s my boss, don’t suck him off”
Good list, but almost all of them were misquoted. TooManyQuotes.com has a carefully-created list of every single good quote from season 1 of East Bound and Down.
KP: Listen, I dont want any pussy getting wet dresses for this cookout….
KP: Honey I love you, I think you’re a terrific girl, but you have clothes like a fucking dickhead
NO NO NO- GET OFF THERE BLONDE AMBITION 2….HES GOT DOO DOO AND CHOCOLATE ALL OVER HIS HANDS….THIS IS NOT A TOY, DUSTIN…DO U KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF HE DRY ACCELLERATED THIS JETSKI ON LAND, HE WOULD HAVE RUINED IT. CASSY, DONT U STARE AT ME WITH THOSE DEAD EYES U CHURCH BITCH, IM SORRY INSTANTLY I REGRET SAYING THAT….ITS JUST, IM KENNY POWERS!!!! AND IM VERY UPSET WITH HOW IM ACTING RIGHT NOW, SO IM GOIN GO AHEAD AND GO, BUT IM NOT GONNA STOP YELLING CAUSE THATLL MEAN THAT I LOST THE FIGHT, SO IM VERY SORRY, I LOVE YALL VERY MUCH, PLEASE LEAVE A KEY UNDER THE MAT, PEACE OUT….IM GOIN TO SHH BOOMS!!!!!!!!!
it’s “TRACY, I LOVE YOU. BUT YOU HAVE CLOTHES LIKE A FUCKING DICKHEAD”
not dress like a dickhead.
“For a minute there I thought Ashley Schaffer was a woman…Ill take that as a compliment cuz I like woman…You should…I am..Im taking it.”
I can feel it…down in my plums.
“You should see my fuckin’ cookouts man…When I was back in Seattle, I had the goddamn Spoonman from the Soundgarden video’s comin’ to my shit.”
“This face used to cash fuckin cheques…… and this dick…….woooooh”
“wha..what happened?” “you were driving, and, and you smashed into this boat,… cause you were drunk” “No wha, you were driving”.. “YOU were driving,I was in the passenger seat I’m luck to be alive”.. “No you..ahh” “You were driving cause your my assistant, that’s what my assitant does, he drives me around when I get shithammered”..”What am, am I really your assistant ??.” I don’t know that depends,.. were you drivin ?” ” Yes ! Yes ! I was driving” ” Yes of course you were, or course you were. Alright well I’m gonna split because I got priors but….see ya at school” Points finger, EASTBOUND & DOWN.
The best one by Stevie J
“Who are some of these motherfuckers at this party”?
The absolute best is when he popped the ecstasy before the dance and right before he clears the floor to start dancing he says, “Work drugs.”
you know…if i took you from behind i’d be fucking myself over right now…you look like a retarded michael myers.
yeah nice job making 3 bucks a week you dipshit…sell weed you’d make more money.
“you know the black plague started in birdbaths just like that…yup, Rats made sex to birds and created a whole new type of aids” or when Will Ferrell said “Thats my game! Dick-Slapping is my game!”
Listen here you beautiful bitch, im bout to fuck you up with some truth.
Watch it ass blood.
If theres one thing i hate it’s loosing, if theres two things I hate it’s loosing and getting cancer.
It’s for your safety too, because you don’t know what kind of shit I got.
“i’m going to be making so much money your parents will be offended. Remember that class where i taught you how to make it rain? thats what i’ll be doing everyday, dollar dollar bills y’all”
“i dont mean to interupt your fun but i just saw two boys…raping a student, im just kidding”
agent: “kenny powers”
kenny: “who are you”
agent: “I’m your dad, just kidding your dad’d dead”
After throwing up at the school dance.
“It was the eggrolls not the ecstasy.”
come on stevie eyes are goin fuckin awol man!
“I’ve got an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python and the mind of a fucking scientist.”
“I love women, but every woman comes with a gaping hole of need that even kenny powers can’t fill.”
Always good when someone says they are posting quotes, and then posts a bunch of horribly butchered phrases pulled from their fractured memory. Great job, there is not a single actual quote on this entire page. Fucknuts.
“rats make sex to birds and create a whole new type of AIDS!!
( after knocking over the bird bath, and pitching 68 mph) hahaha!! Classic!
kenny talking to his brothers 6 year old son
“In my desk, the second drawer to the left, where i keep my weed, under the handgun, there’s my stack of pornos”
funniest line
Hop off there, Blond Ambition Tour!
What? tonight tonight? Fuck that noise, I cant tonight. I got shit set up. Getting paid like 15 notes.
So this is your place?
-Thats why my nameis on the goddam sign outside.
with your name, I thought you’d be a woman
- Well, I like woman, so i’ll take that as a compliment.
you should
-I am……Im taking it.
man, FUCK YOUR SIDING!
woo hoo wake the fuckin neighborhood up
April “Why is Steve Naked? why does he have no shirt on?”
Kenny “Hes probably just having a really awesome time. Wonder what that movie is?”
i left you a little something, in the second drawer of my computer desk, you know, the one i keep my weed in, underneath the handgun theres a stack of porno mags that will put calauses on your hands
its me stevie. stevie janowskie, i was the drum major. what the fuck is that? hahaha
THE BEST QOUTE:
” I’M GOING TO SHABOOM!”
all those writing about others butchering the quotes, are fairy’s. keep your comments to yourself, besides you look tools memorizing quotes from a TV show anyway. This is why Americans are so dumb
Tool O’tools Your fuckin out!
Hey Tools, on the subject of American’s being dumb I would like to point out first, your lovely American flag next to your name, second, the fact that you are on a page dedicated to quoting a TV show saying the people who are interested in the subject matter are tools (which makes you a what?) and third your inability to pluralize the word fairy properly as FAIRIES (it is more than one fairy not something belonging to a fairy).
If you’ve got to be a douche at least try not to be a retard about it.
My favorites – that I am able to use in conversation –
1- KP.. I am disappointed in my own arm and how it is trying to buttfuck me back here.
2- KP – I am about 2 days away from being in the best condition of my life.
3- KP- My business in being a God damn powerhouse and making millions of bucks.
4- KP – You buttfucked me Cassie – out of $4993 dollars.
This might be the most inaccurate quotes page in the history of mankind. Fuck everyone who bastardized this great show.
I’m the man who has the ball. I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck!
GREATEST LINE FROM THE SHOW; HANDS DOWN.
“I cant talk to you with your tits hanging out like cabbages!”
i am from wilmington where all this was filmed. ShhBooms is actually a really kick ass bar called BluePost downtown.
Tool o’ Tools your still fuckin out!
KP- “What the hell you doing buying cocaine Mackworthy, I thought you were Christian now”
Funniest shit right there!
“Your fuckin out”
alright fine! we’ll lower the price on the bat, but i’m not going to budge on the pillow. anyone who wouldnt pay that price is a fucking idiot. its a god damn steal (crosses arm as he shrugs)
Who the hell cares if the quotes aren’t exactly right? If an incorrect quote gets you so pissed off, you really need to get some excitement in your life.
i got an arm like a fuckin’ cannon, a mind like a fuckin’ scientist, and a cock like a buramese python. haha
See that? That’s where my dick gose through.
“Chapter 2, The Next Chapter…”
I pissed my pants when he said this
“Atlanta, your fucking out… lets go to the bar and get shitfaced… get me paid bitch”
“new york? more like jew york”
not completely accurate but stil hahahahahah best show ever
What is this… a center for ants?!?!
My personal favorite: I took a shotgun and a bottle of tanqueray and showed those poeple the time of their fuckin’ lives.
I’ve been blessed with many things in this life. An arm like a damn rocket, a dick like a burmese python and the mind of a fucking scientist.
I broke that birdbath for you ’cause I knew how much you hated it ’cause we’re the same. I hate that fuckin’ thing too… A stork wrapped around a tree branch, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen before. You know how the plague started back in the day, was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone’s backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.