Hershey, PA, 3:08pm – In what crunchologists are referring to as the worst mid-afternoon malnuritionment in nearly a decade of taste satisfaction, a 29 year old man died of a Snack Attack on Monday. The Snack Attack brings to mind a 711 incident in which 6 died in a pre-Macho Man Randy Savage lack of Slim Jim snapping into. Emergency technicians rushed to the scene from all area Snack Attack cure stations including Taco Bell, Pizza Pizza, Burger King…but they were too late. A snackogram was performed on the scene by Toll House authorities, resulting in what was dangerously low levels of salt, sugar and deliciousness quotient. The body was found with what appeared to be a long empty bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, a box of Oreos with only crumbs in it and an apple with a tiny bite taken out of it. Noted tasteologist Cheeto “Chip” Crisp was quick to the scene. Armed with a Nabisc-o-meter and Nougat-Finder, Crisp and his team scoured the unidentified man’s apartment and were unable to find anything individually wrapped, mass-produced or vacuum sealed. The Hamburgler and the Noid are considered suspects and are being held for questioning.

Mid-Meal Inspection Agent Cupcake Fudgington addressed the media in reaction to the attack. “It’s always a tragedy when a citizen with the munchies is unable to make it from lunch to dinner without proper snackitude,” said Fudgington. “A full snacktime investigation is underway but thus far it has proved fruitless, as so far we have only found fruit in the man’s apartment. There are no signs of anything crispity, crunchity, melty, chocotastic or mucho delicious-o! For the love of God, there wasn’t a single tastolicious thing in the man’s apartment. What kind of world is this! Did we lose a war or something?!”

Fudgington was temporarily restrained before apologizing, “I’m sorry, I must have low blood sugar or something…anybody got any of them pretzels that come with chocolate dipping sauce? You know, chocowizzlers? What? Of course they exist…no get me one now. NOW!”

Dr. Pie Caramel, chief Sugarologist at the Snickers University and revered chairman of CHEESE (Coalition for Hearty Excessive Eating and Snack Enthusiasts) addressed 5 people in a Dayton, OH, Exxon Tiger Mart. “It doesn’t matter whether you are a chocoholic, a dude in need of chip-itude, a girl with a hunger that only cheese can please! When you get that rumble in your tummy, each and every one of us could fall victim to a Snack Attack.” The Snickers University legend then simply concluded with the simple question, “why wait?”

Authorities have ruled out foul play and are convinced that the man died of Snack Attack. The fact that the man was a 387 lb diabetic asthmatic was dismissed as “irrelevant.”