Monthly Archives: December 2008

The World Superhero Registry

Posted on by
1

Are you a Superhero that has failed to register yourself properly? Now there is a poorly designed website for you!

Check out this interview from Fox News with real-life superhero razorhawk…

The World Superhero Registry is a place where real life superheros come together… they are making a bit of a name for themselves as some of there members have been carrying out vigilante patrols in their neighborhoods. To be fair, it seems like some of these people have their heart in the right place and even make a positive impact on their community outside of crime fighting. Still, its a little weird having people parading as superheros out their. I guess no one saw the opening scene in the Dark Knight. Many of these heroes have websites. The picture to the right is of “The Eye” – I think he might be my favorite… and he’s got a great myspace page. There’s also “Geist,” “Green Scorpion” (picture below) and of course “Insignis.”

According to the Superhero Registry website… A Real-Life Superhero must meet the following minimum criteria to be considered for the registry:

  • Costume: The purpose of a costume is not simply to protect the identity of the Real-Life Superhero from criminals that might seek revenge, but to make a statement both to the evil-doers that you fight against and to the world at large: you are not simply someone who happened upon crime or injustice and made an impulsive decision to intervene. You have vowed to actively fight for the betterment of humankind and to serve as an example for others. The costume of a Real-Life Superhero must be of sufficient quality to show some care went into it’s creation.
  • Heroic Deeds: The purpose behind becoming a Real-Life Superhero must be for the benefit of mankind, and the Heroic Deeds must be of sufficient degree as to exceed normal everyday behavior. If proof of Heroic Deeds is not present, a listing may still be added to the Registry, however, it may be marked as “inactive” or “unconfirmed” in the description.
  • Personal Motivation: A Real-Life Superhero cannot be a paid representative of an organization, not even a benevolent one. The motivation to become a Real-Life Superhero must come from the individual: not an advertising gimmick or a public relations campaign.

Jewish First Grader Has Revenge, Ruins Christmas for Everyone

Posted on by
4

Bumpus Mills, TN- Weeks of torment at James Polk Middle School of lone Jewish first grader Jerry Steinburg hit its apex this morning. For the last three weeks leading up to Christmas, Steinburg had been the victim of continuous barbs about his beliefs and traditions. The teasing began when first grade teacher Maggie Flynn began decorating her classroom right after Thanksgiving. An appearance of a Jewish Star of David and Menorah on the bulletin board began heated discussions of disbelief when it was revealed that Steinburg’s family did not celebrate Christmas. A kickball game at recess that same day in which Steinburg struck out twice did not help matters. It was on this day that many of the children began to refer to Steinburg as “Jewy Jerry.”

The ostracizing of Steinburg was mostly centered around anti-semitic “Present-Related” discussions. Even the girls chimed in the disbelieve that Santa would not be visiting the Steinburg residence on December 25. Jerry Steinburg repeatedly tried to deflect and explain his family’s traditions by stating that he would be receiving presents every single night of Hanukkah, but this did little to calm remarks.

Leading the “Jewy Jerry” chants was husky, red-headed first grader, Brian Finnegan who added, “Santa hates that Jewy Jerry, he’s not even going to bring him a single present. I’d hate to be Jewish, especially on Christmas. Santa even goes to my weird Uncle Tom’s house, even though my dad says God hates the fact that his roommate is some other guy. Jewy Jerry smells.”

Steinburg’s teacher Mrs. Flynn added “Jerry’s always excelled in Math and Reading…basically every subject. He’s still been getting teased a lot about his special Jewish Christmas that he celebrates. I was surprised when his mother informed me that his family celebrated Thanksgiving… I mean, that’s why I didn’t ask him to participate in our Indian/Pilgrim cake party. The other kids have really been getting on him recently. Maybe he’d fair better with the other children if he tried at kickball a little harder.”

Steinburg’s mother, Linda, attempted to ease tensions by providing the entire class with chocolate Hanukkah gelt. The gesture backfired, when 85% of the candy was used to pelt Steinburg when he failed to recite all the words to the non-secular Christmas song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” correctly.

Classmate Kyle Dimmons added, “Jewy Jerry kept trying to show me this gay top he was playing with. He said it was for Channukah. It had all these stupid symbols on it and he tried to sing me some stupid song about playing with it. When he handed it to me I just said it had cooties and tossed it.”

Tensions reached their boiling point on Monday during the class holiday party. Steinburg was just trying to get through the party and hope that the week off from school and end of Christmas would return things to normal for him. Steinburg was attempting to have a slice of Jesus Birthday cake prepared by Mrs. Flynn when more taunting began. Brian Finnegan grabbed Steinburg’s cake away and started yelling “Santa Claus hates Jewy Jerry.” Most of the class joined in the chant and it continued until Mrs. Flynn was able to convince the class to settle down.

At this point Steinburg ran to the coatroom, grabbed a stack of papers and approached the center of class…walking with a sense of purpose and confidence, not yet seen in the young Semite. Steinburg then lowered the volume on the stereo iPod which had been blaring “Frosty the Snowman” drawing all attention on himself. At this point Steinburg stood on a chair and fired off a rant which would ruin Christmas for every single classmate. Armed with flawless logic, colorful handouts and basic Jewish Chutzpah… Steinburg spent the next 15 minutes explaining that there was in fact… no such thing as Santa Claus. It was a stunning moment in James Polk Middle School.

When he was finished with the tirade, there were no chants of Jewy Jerry… no rude comments about Steinburg’s lack of kickball prowess… just silence. Then, as Steinburg had hoped and prayed to his Jewish God every single night of Hanukkah… each and every single first grader in Mrs. Flynn’s class began crying. Dimmons, Finnegan and every single boy and girl started hysterically crying at the thought that there was no Santa Claus. Collectively, Christmas had been ruined for everyone in the class.

A very satisfied smile came over Jerry Steinburg’s face. Amidst the crying, sobbing and shattered dreams of Santa Claus, Steinburg grabbed a big ‘ol piece of Jesus birthday cake, sat down and enjoyed the most delicious snack he’d had in quite some time. The halls of James Polk Middle School were a little brighter for the young Hebrew that day. It was truly, a Hanukkah Miracle.

Strangest and Funniest Town Names in the U.S. by State

Posted on by
11

Alabama:
Boar Tush, AL
Booker T City, AL
Cluttsville, AL
Coal Fire, AL
Dollar, AL
Frog Eye, AL
Gobblers Crossing, AL
Golddust, AL - like the wrestler?
Intercourse, AL
Milk Springs, AL
Nymph, AL
Phil Campbell, AL
Pig Eye, AL
Scarce Grease, AL – One of my favorites
Slicklizzard, AL
Slickrock Ford, AL
Smelley, AL – That’s where you’re from, brah
Smut Eye, AL
Snoddy, AL
The Bottle, AL
Water Valley, AL
Zip City, AL
Alaska:
Chicken, AK
Dead Horse, AK
Kake, AK
Manley Hot Springs, AK – Sounds hot?
Mary’s Igloo, AK – you knew Alaska would have at least one funny, cold town name
Nightmute, AK
North Pole, AK

Arizona:
Bullhead City, AZ
Many Farms, AZ
Monkey’s Eyebrow, AZ
Organ Pipe, AZ
Why, AZ

Arkansas:
Alf, AR

Blue Ball, AR
Cooter, AR – Hehe, you said cooter
Goobertown, AR – the high school football team’s main rival is Raisonetteville
Hog Jaw, AR
Hog Wallow, AR
Hon, AR
Hooker, AR
Toad Suck, AR
Turkey Scratch, AR
Y-City, AR

California:
Burnt Ranch, CA
Confidence, CA
Cool, CA – I from here? No, I’m not.
Hat Creek, CA
Likely, CA
Raisin, CA
Skidoo, CA – Must have been funnier in the 1920′s
Valerie Jean, CA
Weed, CA

Colorado:
Bountiful, CO
Cripple Creek, CO
Dix, CO
Hygiene, CO
No Name, CO
Nowhere, CO
Nunn, CO
Paradox, CO – It doesn’t exit…..ooooo
Rabbit Ears Pass, CO

Connecticut:
Giants Neck, CT
Delaware:
Cocked Hat, DE
Hourglass, DE
Slaughter Beach, DE

Florida:
Briny Breezes, FL
Celebration, FL
Cook’s Hammock, FL
Couch, FL
Early Bird, FL
Fluffy Landing, FL
Frostproof, FL – I’d imagine they can live up to their name
Lone Cabbage Fish Camp, FL
Niceville, FL – boringest place ever (actually that’d be Boring, OR)
Sopchoppy, FL
Tobacco Patch Landing, FL
Two Egg, FL
Weeki Wachee
Yeehaw Junction, FL

Georgia:
BraSwell, GA – where dreams come true
Butts, GA
Doctortown, GA
Dyas, GA
Gay, GA
Hopeulikit, GA
Jot ‘em DOwn Store, GA – according to wikipedia – The name originally came from the name of a store that was once at this location. Jot Em Down Store was a local feed and seed store that acted as a general store for the farmers in the area. When the farmers met hard times in the late 80′s to early 90′s, the store was forced to close. Although closed, everybody in the community knows of this location by that name.
Meansville, GA
Po Biddy Crossroads, GA
Sale City, GA
Santa Claus, GA
Snap Finger, GA
Social Circle, GA
Talking Rock, GA
The Rock, GA – I smell what this place is cookin’
Thrift, GA
Tiger, GA
Ty Ty, GA
Hawaii:
Papa, HI

Idaho:
Beer Bottle Crossing, ID – surprisingly difficult to find a wedding caterer here…

Illinois:
Effingham, IL
Energy, IL
Goofy Ridge , IL
Kickapoo, IL – hehe
Oblong, IL

Indiana:
Bacon, IN – delicious
French Lick, IN – Larry Bird’s famous hometown
Loafers Station, IN
Munster, IN
Surprise, IN
Toad Hop, IN

Iowa:
Beebeetown, IA
Iowa Falls, IA
Sac City, IA – Where i’m from…. no i’m not
What Cheer, IA

Kansas:
Gas, KS
Holyrood, KS
Smileyberg, KS
Speed, KS
Zook, KS

Kentucky: (By far the best!)
88, KY – It’s a real place, it’s just hard to find a florist there…
Bandana, KY
Beaver Lick, KY – I’m going here
Big Beaver Lick, KY – Wait…make that here
Black Gold, KY
Black Gnat, KY
Co Operative, KY
Cranks, KY
Cut Shin, KY
Deer Lick, KY
Future City, KY – Under contruction… will be done in 2018
Jetson, KY
Monkey’s Eyebrow, KY
Mummie, KY
Mud Lick, KY
Oddville, KY
PeeWee Valley, KY
Penile, KY
Petroleum, KY
Pig, KY
Pippa Passes, KY
Relief, KY – great place to stop to go to the bathroom
Ringos Mills, KY
Select, KY
Stamping Ground, KY
Thousandsticks, KY
Top Most, KY
Tyewhoppety, KY
Vortex, KY – Don’t get sucked in
Wax, KY
Wingo, KY
Wolf Lick, KY – dangerous
Louisiana:
Cranky Corner, LA
Fort Necessity, LA – We had no choice, we needed to put a fort somewhere…might as well have been here
Goober Hill, LA
Kickapoo, LA – haha
Plain Dealing, LA
Uneedus, LA – no we don’t
Vixen, LA
Waterproof, LA – I’d like to test that
Weeks, LA
White Castle, LA – Delicious

Maine:
Mount Desert Island, ME
Strong, ME

Maryland:
Accident, MD – whoops
Boring, MD -
Crapo, MD – What’s the forecast in Crapo, I’d imagine always cloudy with a chance of rain
Hollywood, MD
Point of Rocks, MD
Scaggsville, MD

Massachussetts:
Cummaquid, MA
Sandwich, MA

Michigan:
Bad Axe, MI
Gay, MI
Hell, MI – They take advantage
Nirvana, MI

Minnesota:
Castle Danger, MN – I don’t know what it means, but it sounds cool
Coin, MN
Credit River, MN
Day, MN
Embarrass, MN
Fifty Lakes, MN
Greenleafton, MN – awwww yeah
Kiester, MN
Kilkenny, MN – South Park’s favorite non-Colorado town
Yellow Medicine County, MN

Mississippi:
Hot Coffee, MS
Improve, MS
McCool, MS – Where I’m from… no i’m not
Money, MS
Swampbottom, MS
Sweatman, MS

Missouri:

Bacon, MO – delicious

Butts, MO

Clever, MO
Climax Springs, MO
Competition, MO
Conception, MO
Cuba, MO
Dagonia, MO
Dent Ford, MO
Elmo, MO
Enough, MO
Knob Lick, MO – This is where i’m going. Wikipedia gives you some bullshit answer ( In the Ozarks, knob typically refers to a bare, isolated summit, and lick is a natural “salt lick” or salt spring.)…but i know what’s up in Knob Lick

Licking, MO
Neck City, MO
Peculiar, MO
Pumpkin Center, MO
Sarcoxie, MO
Service, MO
Success, MO
Tightwad, MO
Village of Four, MO
Vulcan, MO
Wolf Island, MO

Montana:
Bald Butte, MT
Blazing Place, MT – Sounds dangerously fun
Hungry Horse, MT
Joe, MT
Opportunity, MT
Pappa’s Place, MT
Petroleum, MT
Power, MT
Square Butte, MT – I’d ain’t but never seen one a these
Stump Town, MT

Nebraska:
Magnet, NE – The best Nebraska could do was this one….sheesh

Nevada:
Duckwater, NV
Jiggs, NV
Pahrump, NV
Searchlight, NV

New Jersey:
Buttzville, NJ
Hi-Nella, NJ
Ho-ho-kus, NJ
Wykoff, NJ - historic birthplace of tara reid

New Mexico:

Sunspot, NM
Truth Or Consequences, NM – Coolest name, and where WWE’s Undertaker is from
Weed, NM

New York:
Butternuts, NY -awesome
Coxsackie, NY- awesomer
Day, NY
Fishkill, NY
Fine, NY
Halfmoon, NY
Horseheads, NY
Tuxedo, NY
Yonkers, NY – This is where i’m from (well, i was born there)

North Carolina:
Conetoe, NC
Cooleemee, NC
Frogsboro, NC
Frying Pan Landing, NC
Kill Devil Hills, NC
Lizard Lick, NC
Luck, NC
Nags Head, NC
Speed, NC
Sunnyside, NC
Sunshine, NC
Toast, NC – sounds sort of delicious


North Dakota:
Zap, ND – Probably named after the female American Gladiator who had the cool One-Sleeve outfit

Ohio:
Businessburg, OH – Sounds fun
Coolville, OH – where i’m from… no i’m not
Defiance, OH
Gaysport, OH – Will soon be turning its name to Lacrosse, OH
Jelloway, OH
Knockemstiff, OH
Pepper Pike, OH
Put-in-Bay, OH – i’m on it

Oklahoma:
Bowlegs, OK
Burns Flat, OK
Cookietown, OK – Place I’d most like to visit and complete opposite of Businessburg, OH
Happyland, OK
Hooker, OK – Excuse me sir, I do believe your mom is from here?
Pyramid Corners, OK

Oregon:
Boring, OR
Clackamas, OR
Half.com, OR – Hey it really happened…
 Idiotville, OR – that’s where you’re from, brah.
Riddle, OR

Pennsylvania:
Bala Cynwyd, PA
Bird-in-Hand, PA
Burning Well, PA
Burnt Cabins, PA – was funnier 300 years ago
Climax, PA
Forty Fort, PA
Hop Bottom, PA
Intercourse, PA
Jersey Shore, PA – did they misplace this town
King of Prussia, PA
Lone Pine, PA
Lover, PA
Nanty Glo, PA
Scalp Level, PA
Star Junction, PA
Sugar Notch, PA
Walnut Bottom, PA

South Carolina:
Sugar Tit, SC – BUZZ PIRATES WINNER FOR BEST TOWN NAME!!!!!!

South Dakota:
Eaglebutte, SD
Gayville, SD – that’s where you’re from, brah
Mud Butte, SD
Porquipine, SD
Tea, SD

Tennessee:
Bumpus Mills, TN
Defeated, TN
Difficult, TN
Disco, TN – git down
Love Lady, TN
Nantipoo, TN
Smart, TN
Soddy-Daisy, TN
Sweet Lips, TN
Walnut Log, TN

Texas:
Bacon, TX – delish
Canadian, TX
Cash, TX
Chocolate Bayou, TX
Cut and Shoot, TX

Ding Dong, TX – according to wikipedia – Ding Dong was supposedly named because of two early settlers in the town, Zulis Bell and Bert Bell, who opened a store and hired an artist, Cohn Hoover, to make a sign for it. The Bells instructed the sign painter to make a sign with two bells on it; inside the bells would be their names and the words “Ding Dong” would be coming out of the bell. Over time a community grew around the store, and it took on the name of the words coming out of the bell: Ding Dong.
Dripping Springs, TX – sounds like something get after a night with an unclean woman
Energy, TX
Gun Barrel City, TX – no surprise there’s a town in Texas with this name
Hoop and Holler, TX – no need to get excited
Humble, TX
Lawn, TX
Lovelady, TX
Noodle, TX
Oatmeal, TX – they embrace it…
Rankin, TX
RingGold, TX – population of about 100
Study Butte, TX
Sugarland, TX
Trophy Club, TX
Twitty, TX
Uncertain, TX
Waxahatchie, TX

Utah:
Bullfrog, UT
Eureka, UT
Mexican Hat, UT – Everyone’s favorite headgear related dance
Plain City, UT

Vermont:
Bread Loaf, VT
Notown, VT
Satans Kingdom, VT – Notunlike Hell

Virginia:
Bumpass, VA
Butts, VA
Clam, VA
Croaker, VA -
Cuckoo, VA
Dumfries, VA
Eureka, VA
Frogtown, VA
Goochland, VA – sounds like where the bad guy is from in a Nintendo video game
Hurricane, VA
Hurt, VA
Java, VA
Lick Skillet, VA
Lipps, VA
Needmore, VA
Nuttsville, VA – You like this place right buddy?
Onancock, VA – almost as much as this place?
Ordinary, VA

Washington:
La Push, WA
Medical Lake, WA
Onion Creek, WA
Ritzville, WA
Ruff Starbuck, WA - you got that right…
TumTum, WA
Tumwater, WA
Walla Walla, WA
West Virginia:
Big Ugly, WV
Big Ugly Creek, WV
Booger Hole, WV – c’mon
Burnt House, WV
Crum, WV
Forks-Of-Cacpon, WV
HooHoo, WV
Left Hand, WV
Looneyville, WV
Odd, WV
Paw, WV
Paw Paw, WV
Quick, WV
Red Jacket, WV
Thursday, WV

Wisconsin:
Beetown, WI
Cornucopia, WI
Cream, WI
Disco, WI – git down
Embarrass, WI
Footville, WI – c’mon
Gays Mills, WI
Hustler, WI
Imalone Ixonia, WI
Jim Falls, WI
Liberty Pole, WI
Spread Eagle, WI – That’s what she said?

Wyoming: – I detect a theme with Wyoming
Big Hole, WY
Pumpkin Buttes, WY
Scott’s Bottom, WY

Buzz Pirates Douche(s) of the Day: Heath and Deborah Campbell

Posted on by
13

So, it finally happened. Decades of inbred, white trash insanity has led to someone naming their kid Adolf Hitler… actually the little pecker’s name is Adolf Hitler Campbell. Are you kidding me with these parents? C’mon man? Heath and Deborah Campbell…you should be ashamed of your lack of class and for saddling your kid with such a horrible name. Although, one look at the happy family pictured on the right, and you can’t help but not be all that surprised.

The beginning of what will surely be a happy childhood became national news today when a local ShopRite refused to print a birthday cake with the child’s full name on it. Fortunately the redoubtable Wal-Mart was willing to make the sale with the full name on it.

The real surprise here is that the family lives in Hunterdon County, New Jersey right on the Pennsylvania border. I guess this is a victory for the South?

The Campbells’ other two children also have screwed up names: JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because “no one else in the world would have that name.” Heath Campbell goes on to make it sound like he isn’t a racist piece of shit…but the real crime is that the government hasn’t stepped in and neutered these people. Either way, Mr. White Power can take his neck tat, his fugly wife and horribly named kids and go crawl back in his trailer and watch Judge Judy and America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Smile Heath and Deborah Campbell: you are Buzz Pirates Douche(s) of the Day.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine Trailer Released

Posted on by
1

The trailer for X-Men Origins: Wolverine was just released yesterday, and I’ve got to be honest… its looks pretty bad ass. At least the trailer is well done. After the stinking pile of crap that was X Men 3, I pretty much figured that this series was down for the count. Hugh Jackman seems primed for a battle with Liev Schreiber’s Sabretooth (who deserves a big role in a movie like this). The problem with a prequel, is that you know what’s going to happen later… I think this trailer gets over that hurdle.

I think the “Oh My God” moment in this trailer is when you see Gambit…even if its only for a second. We’ll see how much of his card throwing and Cajun accent will be intact. Ryan Reynolds is in the movie as Deadpool and that fat guy with the boxing gloves is The Blob.

Jizz in My Pants – Another Funny SNL Music Video

Posted on by
1

I don’t know where he ranks among the Saturday Night Live elite, but Andy Samberg certainly knows how to make a funny music video. The main man behind Lazy Sunday and Dick in a Box has created another funny masterpiece with the raunchy short “Jizz in My Pants.” I love the ridiculous faces they make while Jizzing.

Samberg’s Dick in a Box partner Justin Timberlake has a cameo in the video. Also making an appearance and looking very good I might add is Meadow Soprano herself Jamie-Lynn Sigler. She’s been making the rounds recently with cameos in Entourage and How I Met Your Mother.

The other star of the video trading verses with Samberg is Jorma Taccone. Taccone, Samberg and Akiva Schaffer are childhood friends who are collectively known as the “Lonely Boys.” They have all collaborated on musical clips like Lazy Sunday and Dick in a Box for SNL.

This video was submitted by Dave

Randy Bailey – Buzz Pirates’ Douche of the Day

Posted on by
Reply

doucheWhen Randy Bailey, the 49 year-old wedding videographer from Eagle Rock, Missouri, became the eleventh person voted out SURVIVOR: GABON a few weeks ago, we were a little disappointed. Not because we like Randy, mind you, but because we felt like it was a missed opportunity for us to dish out a little character pillaging Buzz Pirates’ style. But lo and behold, Randy comes through for us once again by appearing in last night’s tribal council in what was, no doubt, a drunken mishap with a pair of clippers. Randy Bailey – for your ridiculous mohawk and non stop arrogant prickiness all season long – YOU are Buzz Pirates’ Douche of the Day.

Randy Mohawk Douche

There are many theories out there about why he decided to shave his head into a mohawk. Did he want to show Crystal he wasn’t a bigot by donning the Mr. T. look? Perhaps he lost a bet to Charlie about whether Marcus is really gay or not. These are distinct possibilities, but our guess is it went some down something like this….

Upon leaving tribal council after being voted off of Survivor: Gabon, Randy was ushered into the medical tent where he immediately tackled the doctor for medical supplies and began chugging rubbing alcohol. Relieved to have a small buzz, Randy prepared to enjoy the easy life of Survivor Ponderosa, and began to drink Africa dry of its supply of Heineken. Anxious to have another boy in the group, Charlie and Marcus where happy to cook breakfast for Randy and exercized half naked while Randy slammed beers. After his 15th beer, Randy busted into the bedroom, and interrupted Charlie and Marcus shaving each others backs, grabbed the clippers and yelled “See…I like gays you stupid bitches” and proceeded to shave the sides of his head.

Video clips of these events can be seen here. Obviously, they have been editted for television. However, two things are blantantly clear…Randy is loving his Heineken, and is happy to have his boy toys. What a douche.

randy beer gay

What’s in a Name? The 15 Most Outrageous Real Names of Famous People

Posted on by
2

Guess I’ve always had a bit of a fascination with names. Especially interesting names. My name is not interesting…Matt. To be more specific, I’ve always had a fascination with people who have had to…or chosen to…change their names. There is quite a litany of famous people who have altered their moniker in an attempt to sound less Jewish, Italian, or whatever. Here is a perfunctory list of some of my favorites. Enjoy.

15. Alan Alda – born Alphonso Joseph D’Abruzzo. Maybe back in the day it was uncool to have such an Italian sounding name, but now…I want to claim this name as my own. Does it work like website domain names? Can I just buy it from him?

14. Hal Linden – born Harold Lipshitz. I really cannot question his decision here.

13. Englebert Humperdink – Born Arnold Dorsey. This one is odd for 2 reasons…first, there already existed a German composer with the name Englebert Humperdink (for real)…second, who the hell would change their name TO Englebert Humperdink?!!

12. Me’Shell Ndegeocello – Born Michelle Lynn Johnson. Maybe there is something way too mundane about the Johnson surname, I don’t know…certainly her new name is infinitely more recognizable, but without sounding crass, I assume most people cannot pronounce it, so simply refer to her as that bald black chic who sang with John Mellencamp.

11. Whoopi Goldberg – born Caryn Johnson.  I suppose she didn’t experience enough bigotry as a black woman, so she had to saddle herself with a jewish last name.  The only thing left is to convert to Islam.

10. Enya – Born Eithne Patricia Ni Bhraonain. How bout those whacky Celtic/Welsh names?! Really…check out some of those letter combos in her last name. Yet, something tells me, that whole long name is still pronounced just ‘Enya’.

9. George Michael – Born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou. Rumor has it Michael’s seminal hit “I Want Your Sex” was originally titled “I Want Your Souvlaki & Babaganoush”.

8. Mother Teresa – Born Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu. No I didn’t just mash my hand on the keyboard, that’s her real name. She actually went by her birth name for many years, but in 1963 she was being nominated for a prestigious Amnesty International award when founder Peter Beneson remarked “Mother Teresa!!! What a fucked up name! You from planet Xoranx or some shit?!” From then on, the name Mother Teresa stuck.

7. Jackie Mason – Born Yacov Moshe Maza. I really dig this name actually. Say it really fast and it sounds like something you can order at a sushi restaurant.

6. Ted Knight – Born Tadeusz Wladyslaw Konopka. Another one I really dig. It just flows off your tongue.

5. Joseph Stalin – Born Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili. For such a brutal dictator, Joseph Stalin just doesn’t cut it in the name department. Would you be intimidated by someone named Blair Bruce? Iosif Vissaarionovich Dzhugashvili makes me want to puke up my Lapsha in terror.

4. Rudolph Valentino - Born Rodolfo Alfonso Raffaello Piero Filiberto Guglielmi. Valentino may have been the ultimate heartthrob already, but there is no possible way on Earth that a woman wouldn’t want to sleep with a man named Rodolfo Alfonso Raffaello Piero Filiberto Guglielmi. Ive tried it…it works. “Hi…my name is Cindy, what’s your name?” you…”Rodolfo Alfonso Raffaello Piero Filiberto Guglielmi” Cindy…”Shall we have sexual intercourse at my place or yours?”

The last 3 are almost too good to be true. But why would Wikipedia lie? I cannot even conjure up appropriate witty commentary…it wouldn’t do the names justice.

3. Brian Eno – Born Brian Peter George St. John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno.

2. Dikembe Mutombo – Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutumbo.
And the coup de grace…

1. Charo – Maria Rosario Pilar Martinez Molina Moquiere de les Esperades Santa Ana Romanguera y de la Najosa Rasten.

This article was contributed by guest writer Matt.

Buzz Pirates’ Douche of the Day… Gov. Rod Blagojevich

Posted on by
Reply

C’mon man? Are you kidding me Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich? What kind of name is Rod anyway. I’ll tell you what kind…the kind belonging to Buzz Pirates’ Douche of the Day: Rod Blagojevich.

Douchey McGee was arrested by federal law enforcement agents today. The FBI alleged that the governor solicited significant contributions from candidates for payment to fill President-elect Barack Obama’s vacant US Senate seat. There are charges against him including conspiracy to commit mail fraud and wire fraud as well as solicitation of bribery.

Blagojevich also allegedly threatened to withhold state assistance to Tribune Co., the owner of the Chicago Tribune, in the sale of Wrigley Field. He’s going to drag the Cubs into this mess too? I know Obama is a White Sox fan… but this is too far. In return for state assistance, Blagojevich allegedly wanted members of the paper’s editorial board who had been critical of him fired. So, now he’s trying to restrict freedom of speech too? What a cockstain.

Prez Elect Obama better distance himself from this guy as quickly as possible, throw him under the bus like right now. Hopefully Barry will call a press conference and say that he agrees with us that…

Gov. Rod Blagojevich… smile, you are Buzz Pirates’ Douche of the Day.

50 Cent Announces Long Island Grandmother as Newest Member of G-Unit

Posted on by
2

Baldwin, Long Island, New York – In a move some are saying is brilliant, if not some sort of basic error, 50 Cent unveiled the newest member of the hip hop collective “G-Unit,” Thursday, 73 year old Gertrude “Gertie” Schwartzfarb. The self described cat-lover and homemaker replaces former member Young Buck and joins convicted felon and admitted drug dealer Tony Yayo as well as platinum recording rap artist Lloyd Banks as a member of G Unit. Schwartzfarb was announced as the newest member at a press conference at MTV studios in Manhattan.

The news has already sent shock waves through the rap community. Stunned former G-Unit member The Game had this to say. “I’m a stab that fuckin’ bitch in the heart yo. I’m a kill that bitch faster then a myocardial infarction. She sent me a card on my birthday with $5 in it, that’s a mutha fuckin’ insult.”

At the introductory press conference and celebratory bingo game, 50 Cent made reference to Schwartzfarb’s killing prowess. “Yo, this bitch is a cold hearted killer so she know what up. Wait a second, did they just say B4? Awww yeah! Bingo mutha fuckas. Pay me my money bitches!”

Banks had this to say, “Gertie is mad hard yo. We was at a party gettin’ high as fuck, and this bitch whips out, like 30 different pills. She knows how to get down.” A recent call to Mrs. Schwartzfarb’s doctor showed that she currently has prescriptions for blood pressure medication: diovan, levatol, as well as several other beta blockers.

An American hip hop group originating from New York City, G-Unit emerged on the New York scene by independently releasing several mixtapes. The name of the group is short for “Guerrilla Unit” as well as “Gangsta Unit”. “Shit, more like Geriatric-Unit now, if you ask me,” added The Game.

spinning necklaceGertrude had this to say, “I don’t know why all these colored gentleman are so interested in me. I’m just so glad to have company and I love the spinning medallion they gave me. I just wish they’d stop cursing and yelling so much. And would it kill them to take their sneakers off when they come over the house?”

Industry insiders are saying that 50 Cent actually meant to announce Queens based rapper Gertie Kill-Dat-Ho as the actual new member of G-Unit and that he is simply too embarrassed to admit his mistake. Still others believe that a 1973 car accident in which Mrs. Schwartzfarb accidentally killed five people may have somehow led 50 to believe the Long Island Grandmother would raise the street cred of the group. Regardless, many believe this is the most inappropriate addition to a rap group since The Fat Boys accidentally named 134 lbs Ethiopian rapper “40 Ounce” to their lineup in 1986.