Trying to potty train your kids? This masterpiece pretty much speaks for itself. From the anamorphic characters, to the songs, to the laughing turd, this japanimation training video has it all. Its safe to say… I can’t even believe it! This is truly anime at its finest.
This little gem was submitted by Jackie
The following is an actual ad written on Craiglist on July 22, 2008. It is the best ad we’ve ever seen so we thought we’d share it with the world.
What kind of bike? I don’t know, I’m not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you’re way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan’s mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying “FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME”.
The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.
The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that’s bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you’re going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re probably a dickless lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.
The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you’re going to love this thing because it doesn’t try to penetrate your ass or anything.
I’ve topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you’re just a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:
Gear 1 – Sissy Gear
Gear 2 – Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 – Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 – Boy Gear
Gear 5 – Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 – Manly Gear
Gear 7 – Big Muscles Gear
I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.
Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull’s testicles and tells people you don’t fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves “Hey asshole, touch this bike and I’ll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four”.
Bike is for 150 OBO (and don’t give me no panzy prices)
So, there’s been a little bickering going on back and forth between NFL WR Brandon Marsall of the Denver Broncos and LB Joey Porter of the Miami Dolphins. Marshall accused Porter in a post-game interview of having “Popcorn Muscles.” I ain’t but never heard that term before. Porter has always been a talker, so its fun to see him take some shit, even if its from Brandon Marshall. Marshall went on to say “You know, we hear stories floating around the league all the time about him as far [as being] in nightclubs dancing with his shirt off like a girl or in the playground getting beat up back in California.”
The real term here is “Popcorn Muscles.” From what I can gather its when a guy is poppin’ out with muscles, but is still soft, he’s got popcorn muscles. Kind of like how popcorn looks all jagged and tough, but is really just soft. This can easily be inferred from Marshall’s comment that “[Porter] he’s definitely one of those guys who all those muscles are popcorn muscles. He’s soft.” So when you’re at the gym, and you see some muscle-bound guy that can’t help but think is probably still a wimp. Probably a guy that shaves his chest and/or legs… he’s probably got Popcorn Muscles.
So, congratulations Mr. Marshall, you have brought a new term to the national lexicon… “Popcorn Muscles”
In honor of Barack Obama becoming the first African American elected to the White House, we at Buzz Pirates feel obligated to relive other presidential firsts throughout American history.
April 30, 1789 - Within 4 minutes of being sworn in as the 1st president George Washington abuses hispower as the leader of the free world by immediately appointing himself Vice-president, Secretary of State, Secretary of War, Ombudsman, Exchequer, Viscount, Duke of Awesomeness, & P-Dog Pimp of Pennsylvania Ave. The first in a long line of rich white men imbued with an exaggerated sense of omnipotence that would eventually extend to Mr. Obama…our first rich black man with an exaggerated sense of omnipotence.
August 22, 1805 – Thomas Jefferson becomes the first president to realize the non-gustatory benefit of “brown sugar”. He was known to remark “methinks that slave doth provide a posterior of adequate qualitie”
January 16, 1834 – In a moment of innovative exuberance but poor foresight, Martin Van Buren becomes the first president to have his face adorn coin currency. Unfortunately this involved literally pressing his face into a large disk of molten hot metal. Only one of these coins was ever minted.
April 4, 1841 – William Henry Harrison becomes the first president to die in office 30 days after his inauguration. Since early drafts of the constitution assumed that our omnipotent rich white men would live forever, a contingency plan was needed, but it took time. So, while relief president John Tyler was wa
rming up in the bullpen, Harrison also became the first president to govern while dead.
March 4, 1861 – Abraham Lincoln becomes our first homosexual president…end of story.
October 12, 1879 – Rutherford B. Hayes became the first president to suggest that Martin Luther King’s Birthday be made a national holiday. Of course considering this was 50 years before King was actually born, people were not very receptive. Other ideas of his that were given only lukewarm reception: giving official statehood to the moon, mand
atory naked Fridays at the office, and public funding for peanut butter flying saucer elephants.
March 4, 1893 – Grover Cleveland becomes the first president to serve a second non-consecutive term. Cleveland convinced the American people that he just needed to pick up a few items that he left behind from the first term. Postmaster General Wilson Bissell distinctly overheard Cleveland mumble “suckers” under his breath. But payback is a bitch, and we’ve immortalized Cleveland’s legacy by naming a grungy New Jersey Turnpike rest stop and a grotesque blue muppet after him.
1909 – 3 minutes after the Oval office was constructed William Howard Taft became the first president to violate an intern in the office with a common household object….it was a spatula embossed with the presidential seal and the quote “Hail to The Chef.” Interestingly, Taft also holds the presidential record for firsts. He was the first:
* To become a Supreme Court justice after his term in office
* To throw out the first ceremonial first pitch at a baseball game
* To eat the first ceremonial buffalo at a buffalo eating contest.
* To pat his head and rub his stomach simultaneously while violating an intern
* To envision a foreign dignitary’s head as a giant cartoon ham hock
1932 - Franklin Roosevelt is widely believed to be the first president bound to a wheelchair. This is a half truth. FDR was placed in a wheelchair as a shrewd political strategy to sway the coveted “Cripple Belt” of the Southeastern US during the 1932 election. In reality, FDR was a world class jumpist who double majored in kicking and deep knee bends in college.
January 1947 – Harry Truman delivers the first televised state of the union address. Initially apprehensive, Truman quickly warms up to the idea of being in front of the camera, and especially, warms up to the idea of being in make-up and becoming a “superstar”. Eventually he would be found prancing around the Rose Garden in full drag and posing for his millions of adoring fans. All the while shouting his famous lines, “The buck stops here…darling!” and “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen… because it’s murder on your skin!”
September 21, 1981 – In what political pundit William F. Buckley called “a truly Rutherford B. Hayesian maneuver”, Ronald Reagan appoints Sandra Day O’Connor as the first female Supreme Court justice. Although admired for his trailblazing choice of a woman to sit on the highest court in the land, Reagan later admitted that his choice was accidental, a result of hallucinations caused by excessive use of the hair dye red #2.
January, 1993 – “Slick Willy” Bill Clinton authorizes the use of the first Cabinet “Casting Couch” in order to score, in his words, some “righteous poon”. The endeavor is moderately successful with Janet Reno getting Attorney General, Donna Shalala landing Secretary of Health & Human Services, & Warren Christopher scooping up Secretary of State.
2000-2008 – George W. Bush became the first president to actually make America a less livable place than Botswana.
Submitted by guest writer Matt
In a match made in super zillionaire, annoying celebrity, insider-trading heaven, news broke today that the
Dallas Mavericks owner may have took part in insider trading. The SEC annouced today that Cuban was charged with insider trading in shares of Mamma.com Inc, an Internet search engine firm. Apparently he sold his entire stake in the company to avoid losing $750,000.00. $750k? C’mon man, I know this rich guy can’t be this stupid to go down for what I’d imagine is chump change for him.
According to the SEC, Quebec-based Mamma.com invited Cuban in June 2004 to participate in a private stock offering after he consented to keeping it confidential. Cuban discovered that the offering would dilute the holdings of existing shareholders and be sold at a discount to the market price, he became “angry and upset,” the SEC said.
In a phone call with Mamma.com’s chief executive, Cuban said: “Well, now I’m screwed. I can’t sell,” according to the SEC’s complaint. Within hours of receiving information, Cuban told his broker, “Sell what you can tonight and just get me out the next day,” the SEC alleged. During after-hours trading on June 28, 2004, Cuban sold 10,000 of his 600,000 shares, and the following morning sold his remaining stake. Later that day, after markets closed, Mamma.com publicly announced its private placement offering. When markets reopened the following day, the company’s stock was down 9.3 percent at $11.89.
Cuban’s legal problem hearken back to Martha Stewart’s insider trading problems with the Imclone stock trading scandal. Of course, Cuban is innocent until proven guilty. But, I think this would be a good time for these two super-rich celebrities to see if there’s a love connection….
C’mon man! The Philadelphia Eagles and the Cincinnati Bengals played to a 13-13 tie on Sunday. It was the first NFL game ending in a tie since 2002. The real story here is 10 YEAR VETERAN Donovan McNabb had no idea that an NFL regular season game can end in a tie. Obviously playoff games can’t end in a tie, but you mean to tell me that no one could tell this guy what was going on during the overtime? I suppose its possible he was joking, but check out the news conference below, I don’t see a hint of sarcasm. Doesn’t he pay attention at the end of the season when they are breaking down playoff scenarios and talk about a team needing a “win or a tie” to make it into the playoffs. Either way, at least his stupid comments will probably take the heat off the poor performance of both teams. I think we can all agree that Campbell’s Chunky Soup doesn’t make you smart.
In August 2009 a live action version of G.I. Joe will hit theaters. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra will have a big cast (including Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Joseph Gordon Levit, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller and many more) and a big budget (over $170 million). Will this movie trample on my childhood memories of the fun cartoon – or will it deliver. Either way, every fan of the show remembers the PSA’s at the end of each episode. Check out these Fenser Film favorites that alter the voices… they’re hysterical and popular on eBaum’s World.
It was hard to leave out so many…
“Pork Chop Sandwiches!”
“Don’t Forget Your Sandwiches!”
“Give him the stick. DON’T GIVE HIM THE STICK!”
“Body Massage”
“We had a good conversation”
“Fire”
“Buzz Lightyear”
“Nose Bleed”
“Purse”
Not quite, but the President Elect has got mad skills! 
Check out this CNN video about Barry’s pre-election ritual of playing basketball with friends. Check Obama get the steal, go behind the back, lead the fast break and then dish out the assist. Say What!
Ever wonder how a web hoax is born? 
In a movie rumor that had fanboys drooling and pretty much every regular guy drooling too, uber-hottie Megan Fox was announced to be playing Wonder Woman. The Transformers beauty who became in instant sensation seems like the perfect fit for the role? There’s one catch though…the news is fake. Wonder-Who.com revealed that Fox would suit up as DC Comics heroine Wonder Woman in an upcoming big-budget movie.
Various studio types have been trying to get the lasso and invisible plane on the screen for years. Several other stars such as Jennifer Lopez, Sandra Bullock, Rachel Bilson, and Catherine Zeta-Jones have been rumored to be up for the role Lynda Carter was famous for. Producer Joel Silver was once on board. Buffy and Firefly Joss Whedon told Entertainment Weekly (my favorite magazine) the following in 2006 when he was attached to writing a Wonder Woman script:
“Besides [Wonder Woman's] great origin story, there’s nothing from the comics that felt right 100 percent, no iconic canon story that must be told. Batman has it made – he’s got the greatest rogues gallery ever, he’s got Gotham City. The Bat writes himself. With Wonder Woman, you’re writing from whole cloth, but trying to make it feel like you didn’t. To make it feel like it’s existed for 60 years, even though you’re making it up as you go along. But who she, and what the movie, is about, thematically, has never been a problem for me. But the steps along the way, it could be so easy for them to feel wrong. I won’t settle. She wouldn’t let me settle.”
Warner Bros. has since confirmed that the Wonder-Who.com site was “complete B.S.” By the time you read this, the site may be closed down. Still we can still “wonder” what might have been. Hell, I’d go see Wonder Woman if Megan Fox was in the lead. Although, for all the male fans that Megan Fox has, I “wonder” if she has any female fans. Most women probably view her as “that skinny bitch from that toy robot movie. That said, it is possible that someone making a big version of this movie would pick a female actress with a broader appeal. Still, maybe this rumor will put the idea of Megan Fox in the right executive’s head… at least one of them.
Update: Looks like she won’t be Wonder Woman (yet), but has signed on to play an angel opposite the Wrestler’s Mickey Rourke in director Mitch Glazer‘s drama Passion Plays. The 1950s Los Angeles-set movie finds Fox’s character, described as a slender beauty with wings who is part of a carnival, helping a down-in-the-skids trumpeter (Rourke) be redeemed.