Tehran, Iran: In a shocking announcement Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blasted Jews worldwide Thursday by denying the existence of Barbra Streisand. Ahmadinejadt addressed the single member of the Iranian press, Chancellor of Media, Grazza Mazzoud with a metered and aggressive rhetoric sidestepping clear historic documentation and logic in the process. The statement mirrored his now infamous comments denying the Holocaust in which millions of Jews were exterminated.
“The existence of Barbra Streisand, is just one theory, there is no clear proof that she exists” Ahmadinejad said. “The horned infidels [Jews] want the world to believe the existence of this mythical singing/acting big-nosed “Babs.” Don’t believe the head of the serpent, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” is a call for the slaughtering of all Muslim women and children.”
Iranian scholar Razmaza Khomeini, in an interview with state run Channel 1 News, pointed to the fact that he had seen Streisand in the movie Meet the Fockers on a plane traveling from Dubai to Tehran. He delicately suggested that President Ahmadinejad might have been misled by the cursed Hebrew god on this issue. Khomeini, his wife Asal, son Mansoor and cat Sprinkles were all immediately hung for treason.
Republican Presidential candidate John McCain was quick to respond. “I have a solid record of believing in the birth, existence and historical significance of Barbara Streisand. I have had several conversations with General Petraeus on this matter and if elected president I will deploy 500,000 troops directly to Barbara Streisand.” McCain also took the opportunity to slam Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama. “If elected president, Obama will gay marry Ahmadinejad in a Nazi ceremony while standing on a burning American flag. Mr. Obama… the American people will not stand for this! When I am President of the United States I immediately will bomb, bomb, bomb Iran while simultaneously watching Yentl on a continuous loop.”
On the home front American Jews have been outraged by the denial of Streisand’s existence. “Oy! What is this fercockt President talking about?” said Long Island, New York resident Ethel Berkowitz. “Barbara is a national treasure. This Ahmad-wah-wah whatever his name, is a messhuggina. He should see Babs in Prince of Tides…he’ll need a whole box of Kleenex just like my [husband] Harvey did. He should come over; we’ll get a nosh from Schlesinger’s [deli] and make an afternoon out of it.”
Not all Americans are outraged. Noted Hollywood anti-Semite Mel Gibson told Variety that he has been working on a documentary with his father dispelling the “Streisand Myth” for four years. Gibson also mumbled “Damn Jews” under his breath 17 times in the interview.
After denying the existence of Streisand, matzo ball soup, Tufts University and pennies, President Ahmadinejadt signed into a law a bill compelling all Iranian citizens to eat at Chick-fil-a at least twice week.