Knoxville, Tennessee: An already excruciating Power Point presentation by regional sales manager Harvey Blythe was brought to new lows Tuesday, when he declared the most recent sales drive to be “Hammer Time.” The rallying cry “Hammer Time” was inspired by Oakland rapper Stanley “M.C. Hammer” Burrell and his early 1990’s rap hit “U Can’t Touch This.” The recently promoted Blythe addressed the 12 person sales team in conference room B with forced enthusiasm and absolutely no irony. In addition, “U Can’t Touch This” was played at various volumes 40 times during the 85 minute presentation.

In what sales associate Stephanie Katz called “the whitest thing she’d ever seen” Blythe feebly crossed his arms and tilted his head every time he said Hammer Time during the presentation. The mood in the room went from uncomfortable to downright squeamish when Blythe singled out African American Sales Rep Tony Montgomery and you said “you know what I’m talking about bro” after saying Hammer Time for the first time.

“At first I thought he was joking,” said assistant sales manager Helen Kim, “but then I realized he was serious in thinking “Hammer Time” was a recent pop culture reference. Maybe he doesn’t own a tv or something?” She continued, “I did my best to help by saying the sales team was “Too Legit 2 Quit,” but Harvey looked at me with a blank stare, like I was the uncool person in the room. That’s when I decided to let him go down with his pop-culture deficient ship.”

The 11:45am start time did not help lift the team’s morale as lunch was certainly going to be late, rushed or skipped all together. Disgruntled sales rep Todd Feller voiced his frustration while clicking through his fantasy football team in his cubicle later that afternoon: “I was ready to freak out when I realized I’d be eating Munchos out of the vending machine again for lunch. The sunglasses he put on at the end of his lame ass power point presentation was the perfect topping for his shit sandwich presentation. U Can’t Touch This? This guy is definitely in the dorkestra and he “can touch” this (pointing at his crotch).”

Montgomery summed up the Hammer Time presentation, “it was pretty lame, but it was better than when Douche [Regional Sales Manager Paul Dusherson] said that Spring 2008 [‘s sales campaign] was worse than when sales rep Wendy Myers had an abortion.

This has been a Buzz Pirates Fake New Report