Google Chrome, the new web browser released last week from the monster search engine company is being touted as the “Windows Killer“. So far, it is available for Windows machines only, being Google’s giant “F-U” to Microsoft.
Since so many people are convinced Google Chrome is going to change the world, we decided to roll up our sleeves and do a little “research” ourselves. We jumped into the Buzz Pirates time machine to take a look at the 10 Ways Google Chrome Will Change the World…Buzz Pirates style…
09/05/2008 – Shortly after its release, Google Chrome immediately goes to work making the world a better place. Its first priority…slapping Lindsay Lohan into shape. Thanks to GC, Linds never touches another drop of alcohol ever again and goes on to enjoy a celebrated acting career. She eventually scores the gluttonous gig of “Feed the Children” spokeswoman, taking over for Sally Struthers who finally dies of obesity. Unfortunately, within 2 months, Lindsay reaches a whopping 320lbs.
09/15/2008 – Thanks to its ease of use and handy “Internets” button, grandmas all over the world are finally able to send emails and instant messages using the computer-majig and the cell phone machine. In fact, Google Chrome proves so helpful that when old people fall, they are able to get up.
10/05/2008 – With Chrome’s increasing popularity, it catches the eye of the most popular woman of the time – Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin. In a matter of weeks, the two become smitten. Risking permanent damage to her image and political career, Sarah ditches her loser husband and shacks up with Chrome. The world thought it would be professional suicide, but it had the opposite effect. The two quickly become America’s Sweethearts. Popularity for Chrome skyrockets as it becomes the only other thing besides Todd Palin to see Sarah Palin naked.
10/21/2008 – With a powerful woman at its side, Google Chrome decides that second in command is not good enough. Sarah declines her nomination for Vice President and Google Chrome is selected as the Independent Party’s nominee for President of the United States. Polls quickly show that Chrome has a strong edge over Barack Obama. When asked for his opinion, Fashion designer and world’s most tanned man, Valentino, said “well, Chrome is the new black”.
11/04/2008 – Google Chrome goes on to win the 2008 U.S. Presidential Election and becomes the 44th president of the United States of America. Chrome immediately goes to work repairing the damage done by George W. Bush. Within months, the U.S. economy is better than any point in history as the stock market skyrockets 1800%. Unemployment is non-existent. Education is at an all time high. The war in Iraq ends and Iran becomes one of the strongest U.S. allies. Israel and Palestine are best friends. Google Chrome becomes the greatest leader in the history of the free world. Osama Bin Laden is one of Chrome’s closest friends and is often overheard saying “Jihad-shmad…throw me another beer.”
09/09/2009 – The popularity eventually goes to Google Chrome’s head. It becomes sick with power and begins mobilizing for global domination. It begins hunting down and annihilating the remaining few Internet Explorer and Mozilla Firefox users. The rest of the world follows Chrome out of fear of its iron fist. It believes it is the second coming of Christ. Admittedly…web services are godly fast.
12/09/2013 – Google Chrome is ruler of planet Earth, but quickly realizes that it is lonely at the top. Sarah Palin has left it. Its friends have deserted it. It can trust no one. It is completely and utterly alone. It begins turning to drugs to find solace from the misery of life. Piles of cocaine a day make it jumpy and paranoid. Web pages are loading lightening fast, but the browser crashes shortly thereafter.
01/30/2018 – After years of drug and alcohol abuse, Google Chrome finally has a moment of clarity. It longs for the days of helping people and making the world a better place. It gives up its position as ruler of Planet Earth and vows to relinquish all of its worldly possessions. It dedicates itself to a life of wisdom, meditation and peaceful demonstration in support of human rights. It shares its source code with Microsoft, ending a long history of bitter rivalry.
7/11/2019 – While Google Chrome and Microsoft continue to work together to create the worlds greatest web browser in the history of mankind, the Apple iPhone manages to redefine computing as the greatest advancement since the invention of the transistor. Clunky desktops are a thing of the past. Laptops are nonexistent. Even blade servers exist nowhere but the Smithsonian. The highest traffic websites of the world are all powered by 8G iPhones. Desktop web browsers have become obsolete. Broke, tired and hungry, Google Chrome hits the streets relying on the compassion of those who have forgotten it.
01/26/2023 – Many years later, MIT students are able to use Google Chrome to extract a glutenous substance, which is then baked in an oven at 350 degrees before being dissected with a high powered optical laser. When they add a piece of Swiss cheese, Google Chrome truly becomes the greatest thing since sliced bread.