HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CAUGHT WATCHING PORNOGRAPHY…FUNNY, I HAVE!

So, here’s a tale from this Buzzpirate’s youth… and its 100% true! Some names have been changed to protect the embarrassed~~ Enjoy the first tale told from Corey’s Corner.

Do you remember the first time you saw a pornographic movie? I do… maybe a little too well.

When I was 13 years old, my friend Gary had this great idea for us to watch a porno after school at my house before my parents got home. As it turned out, our other friend Drake had stolen a 80′s porn from his father’s secret collection…and was (in retrospect), dumb enough to lend it to us. So, Gary with porn in hand came to my house directly after school. We had 2 hours before my mom would be getting home. So we popped that bad boy in the VCR and our education had begun.

I can’t remember much about this pornographic work of art other then it involved unbelievable amounts of hair in unsightly places. Still, at the time, the whole thing was pretty amazing. I started to get nervous, and told Gary we should probably shut it off before someone gets home. He used his amazing powers of peer pressure and we continued to watch. Five minutes later the front door busts open (99 out of 100 times my mother would come through the garage)…

Cooler heads would have realized that my mother never knew how to work the VCR, and we could have simply hit the stop button and nothing would have happened. Nevertheless, nerves and hormones set off a ridiculous chain of events.

The second the door opened the two of us made for the VCR and feverishly started pounding on the “eject” button. But, alas, this was a 1986 VCR, and the tape must have taken a full minute to eject. Gary and I were acting like we were doing crack or worse. My mother ran in to see what the commotion was about just as I was throwing the tape to Gary in the other room. With a shreik she shouted…”what the hell is going on here.” Gary offered a feeble explanation…she didn’t buy it…and at that moment I did the stand up good guy thing… I sold everyone out on the spot. “Mom its a porno, Gary got it from Drake who stole it from his father.” My mother regained her composure and told us to wait outside.

We waited nervously outside, what a horrible situation. My mother came outside and told Gary that he must go home immediately and tell his mother what happened here. My punishment was handed out quickly… no one over the house when her or my father weren’t home…not too bad…yet.

I went to my room to hide my shame. Within 1 hour Gary’s mother had called mine, they started kibbitzing and eventually came up with a horrendous brainstorm. Gary parents would come over my house that very same night, and along with my parents they would watch the video together… “so they could better understand what Gary and I saw.” Did I mention that my parents were supposed to go out for their anniversary that night? (you can’t make this up).

So, with me hiding my shame upstairs in my room, downstairs my parents and Gary’s parents watched the video…or at least part of it. Then, they called up Drake’s father to come pick the offensive adult feature up in person (yes…his own movie!). Drake probably still has trouble sitting from the ass kicking he must have gotten.

When everyone had left my mother came upstairs… she was crying… balling… totally upset at what her innocent little son had seen, and with a bellowing cry she let out… “Corey, that’s not love!!!! That’s not love!!!”

No one ever wants to see their mother cry…but eventually, it turned out to be one of the funniest punchlines to a story ever. Gary’s mother cried and said the same thing.

EPILOGUE… Gary and I were on the same basketball team and a week later our fathers were driving us to the game… my father turns to us in the back seat, and with a sly grin says… “You guy’s see any good movies lately?“