Bruce Springsteen Says You are Now Pronounced, in the Name of Rock’n’Roll, Husband and Wife!

Love was in the air at Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band’s show in Baltimore, Maryland, as Springsteen presided over a proposal at his April 21st show.

Springsteen was already poised — maracas in hand — to perform “I Wanna Marry You” off The River when he invited an beyond thrilled couple up to the stage at the Royal Farms Arena.

“I’m going to turn it over to you,” he told the couple, as the prospective groom, Marc Brickman dropped to one knee and asked his girlfriend, Christine Samuelsen. if she’d do “the honor of staying with me for the rest of our lives.” As she nodded yes, he could barely contain his excitement as he handed it back over to Springstein who joined the crowd in applause announced, “You are now pronounced in the name of rock and roll, husband and wife.” What an exciting moment for any Springstein fan – the greatest moment of your life shared with your Rock ‘n Roll hero and twenty thousand new friends. Mazel Tov! Don’t forget to send the boss and invitation. Check out the video below:

Kung Fury – the Awesomely Over the Top, Comedy Action Movie Trailer that Became a Real Short Film – See it Here!

Kung Fury is a 2015 Swedish martial arts comedy short film written, directed by, and starring David Sandberg. It pays homage to 1980s martial arts and police action films. The film was crowdfunded through Kickstarter from December 2013 to January 2014 with pledges reaching US$630,019, exceeding the original target goal of $200,000, but falling short of the feature film goal of $1 million. What started as an awesome trailer, got the funding to be a short length movie. It was selected to screen in the Directors’ Fortnight section at the 2015 Cannes Film Festival, losing to Rate Me from the UK. Forget Cannes, this movie wins Buzz Pirates Movie Trailer, Movie (short film) and Music Video of the Year. Its the most bad ass Internet thing we’ve seen in a long time. It’s also more enjoyable then most of the crap at your local theater this summer… and its free! Enough with the talk we give you… Kung Fury!

It started as a trailer…

It became a short film…

Which spawned a companion music video True Survivor by David Hasselhoff…

10 Questions Reporters Should Have Asked Derek Jeter After His Last Game at Yankee Stadium

Last night future hall of famer Derek Jeter played baseball for the last time ever in Yankee Stadium. It was an emotional game that the finest Hollywood screenwriters could not have scripted better, with Jeter hitting a walk-off game winning hit to the opposite field in the bottom of the ninth. His career at Yankee stadium ended perfectly – doing exactly what we have loved watching him do for the last 20 years. Derek, who is renowned for his professionalism and ability to keep his emotions under control, fielded questions from reporters in a press conference after the game. He told reporters “I’d probably be losing it right now. You guys are just asking the wrong questions”. So in honor of the Yankee Captain’s retirement, we proudly present the 10 Questions that reporters SHOULD have asked Mr. Jeter.

1. They say a man is known for the company he keeps. How does it feel to have a permanent seat upon the alter of Baseball’s Cathedral among legends Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle, DiMaggio, and Berra?

2. You will never again hear Bob Sheppard’s famous voice echoing “Now batting for the Yankees…number two….Derek Jeter….number two” in a regulation game. Do you have a recording of that at home and will you listen to it?

3. The New York Times estimates that you have swung the bat 342,000 times in practice or in games. While impressive, this number is minuscule compared to the number of people you’ve influenced or inspired. For 20 years, 2745 games, every game you’ve played in NY, across the country, or around the world, countless fans cherished the opportunity to watch you play. How does it feel to know that for each and every single time you have swung a baseball bat during your career, you have influenced the lives of thousands of people?

4. What will go through your mind the next time you drive under the subway down River Ave. and look up to see Yankee Stadium for the first time as fan and not a player?

5. Your exemplary career has always been held in high regard by the media (which is especially remarkable in NY) and by the Yankees organization. If George Steinbrenner was here today, what would he say after the dramatic ending of your career at Yankee Stadium?

6. Your dedication and professionalism has made you just as famous off the field as your performance on the field. How does it feel to honored as one of the greatest professional athletes in ANY sport….not just by fans, but by peers in the NFL, NHL, NBA, and organizations and celebrities around the globe…. even God?

7. Several years from now, an all-star shortstop for the New York Yankees will ritualistically bless a sign hanging in the Yankee clubhouse before every game with a quote from Derek Jeter. What will it say?
I want to thank the good lord for making me a Yankee

8. How does it make you feel to know that the next time you hold a #2 Yankee jersey will probably be when they hang it next to #6 in Monument Park?

9. What words of wisdom will you give the next Yankee Captain who, without your influence, might have never played baseball past 3rd grade?

Image via The New York Post

10. Your character has already earned you a place in Heaven. Your contribution to baseball will immortalize you for eternity among the Ghosts of Yankee Stadium. Which one do you choose? (we’ll let this one slide and go with “both”)!

On behalf of fans around the world, we thank you Derek Jeter for 20 years of dedication and inspiration. The game of baseball is better because of you.

What would you ask? Leave your question in the comments below and share this post!

May the Fourth be with You! Enjoy Star Wars Day with the Original Star Wars Trailer!

Let’s celebrate Star Wars Day (May the 4th (force) be with you!) by enjoying the trailer for the original Star Wars – Episode IV: A New Hope!

 

Jack Woltz – How to Piss Off the Godfather and Wind Up with a Horse Head in Bed

In light of the attention being given to famed sexist and Anti-Semite, Walt Disney who was called out by Meryl Streep on Tuesday Buzz Pirates would like to recognize the Jack Woltz from The Godfather. He was an obvious characterization of Walt Disney. This scene below has the great Godfather quote “she was the best piece of ass I’ve ever had, and I’ve had them all over the world!” When he refused to cast Johnny Fontane(an obvious characterization of Frank Sinatra) in his new movie…

Who eventually wound up with his prize thoroughbred horse’s head in his bed…

 

Brendan Fraser Clap – Worst Clap Ever

What can we say, Brendan Fraser’s clap is almost as good as his movies.

 

Kayabe Korner with Dylan – This Week’s Review – TNA v. WWE

Hello again and welcome to Kayfabe Korner! I’m your master of ceremonies, Dylan, and I know I said I’d cover Summer Slam, but as it turns out, WWE.com also says that they provide a good quality stream of their pay-per-views, and they’re lying. Or maybe my computer’s tendencies toward being a paperweight are starting to come back to bite me. A pity, because days later, when I did see Summer Slam using a Greater Scrying spell cast at 14th level (Archivist, fools!), I loved it. Still, that’s forty-five bucks that could have gone to something more important, like Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs, which isn’t out yet, but that won’t stop me from buying it on Steam.

But never mind that, because I recorded Impact Thursday night, and boy oh boy, am I looking forward to it. Not just because we’re probably going to see Rampage Jackson get thrown out of TNA, but also because apparently Brooke Hogan was just released from the company recently. How will that play out? That would be like if midway through a season of House, the actor playing Dr. Chase was fired. And if House was filmed live. So that’s going to be a ton of fun.

Tonight is Hardcore Justice 2: Electric Boogaloo, and who knows? Maybe there might actually be another Hardcore rules match. We start with Bully and Ortiz backstage, and Bully’s talking with Brooke on the phone. Anderson comes along and asks why Bully’s not returning calls. Bully waves him off and says that Tito is with him. Noticeably, he doesn’t offer to help in the upcoming 5-on-5 tag match. Why do these guys work with Bully anyway?

Roode and Bad Influence come out. They just brag, really. Daniels claims to be the best street fighter in all of TNA, but I seem to recall him losing to AJ Styles in a street fight last year. Roode calls on Aries to join their team, but James Storm and Gunner interrupt. Storm points out that he used to trust Roode, as they were a team for four years before Roode turned on him. They decide to fight, and for some reason the ref sends Daniels to the locker room.

So I should probably explain who “Mr. Intensity” Gunner is.

The match starts out as just a brawl and the bell rings once Roode and Gunner are the only men in the ring. Roode and Kaz work together a lot in this match, with frequent tags, but altogether it’s a fairly basic match. Not a bad way to open the show, to be sure, but I would prefer seeing these guys in singles matches. It’s sad to think that James Storm was nearly world champion last year, and now he’s barely on TV at all despite being half of the tag champions. Oh, right, Storm and Gunner are the Tag Team Champions, and no, they don’t have a name other than “James Storm and Gunner.” The finish comes when Storm is signaling for the Last Call Superkick, but Roode manuevers the ref between the two of them, blocking the shot. The ref looks away to prevent Kaz getting in the ring, and Roode hits a low blow and rolls up Storm for the pinfall. Bad Influence was put over strongly here, despite needing to cheat, since they won without interference, though a stated reason for Daniels’ being forced to leave would have been nice. Also, are Daniels, Kaz, and Roode collectively Bad Influence, or are they the team of “The It Factor” Bobby Roode and Kazarian and Christopher Daniels, the Bad Influence? Because the latter is just silly.

Aries is backstage and says he’ll think about joining the team of “The It Factor” Bobby Roode and Kazarian and Christopher Daniels, the Bad Influence. Ah, Bully Ray will be celebrating his win tonight. Can’t wait. Well, really what I can’t wait for is the explanation for why Brooke Hogan isn’t here, if one is forthcoming at all.

Tonight’s drink, by the way, is Chambord Black Raspberry Liqueur, and not what I had last week, this godawful Cazul tequila. And I say it’s awful when I can drink Kraken straight.

 

Our second match of the night is Sonjay Dutt v. X-Division Champion Manik, and apparently X-Division matches are no longer three way matches because just because. I wonder about this briefly, but then helpfully a Tweet from Hulk appears telling us that because everyone was sick of the gimmick, they decided to change it. I for one am happy, because the three-way X-Division matches were really spotty and dull, which shouldn’t be the case when the whole point is fast, exciting aerial offense. Dutt jumps out of the ring to fight as Manik approaches the ring, but Manik hip tosses him back in. They dodge each other until Manik briefly puts Dutt in the Christo Redentor, but clearly doesn’t have it in completely, so they transition into a really weird pin, which Dutt kicks out of. Dutt hits the headscissors takedown (and well! Never let it be said I won’t say something’s good when it is, and Dutt is really good). Dutt with a standing moonsault, and…why is the logo for the No Surrender pay-per-view Captain America’s shield? Dutt with a submission that I can’t place (possibly the dreaded Botchlock), which transitions into a pin. Dutt chokes Manik with his own arms, which really doesn’t look like it’s all that effective. Manik does his thing where he gets thrown into the ropes and clings, Spidey-style, to them. Manik leaps outside for a dropkick, then a springboard dropkick to the back. Manik hits a sit-out powerbomb and Dutt hits a running knee (more of a kick to the mask) in the corner, which looked really painful. Dutt with a springboard splash, and the crowd seems really bored, but that’s actually a problem throughout the night, and I’ll get to why later. Dutt goes for His Move (I believe the technical term is Jumping Onto A Guy) but misses. Manik has him hanging from his head in a Styles Clash position, then lifts him into a fireman’s carry, then he kinda drops down and drops Dutt at the same time and raises his leg to hit Dutt ostensibly in the face. Botch or just really dumb move? You decide! Manik hits the double knees to the chest for the three count.

I should mention that Dutt’s finisher, which I don’t know the name of, is actually really cool. He jumps off the top rope, somersaults in the air, and lands feet-first on his opponent’s chest. It’s really dangerous, looks like it’s agonizing on both men, and really fits the X-Division idea of “no limits.” It’s actually what I like to use for my created wrestlers, were it not for the fact that (a) the WWE’13 engine hates Created Finishers so they do less damage and don’t target enemies correctly and (b) I sold my consoles and joined the Glorious PC Gaming Master Race, hence why I’m so excited about Amnesia.

Backstage Aces and Eights are talking, and Anderson is trying to psych them up, but he seems more nervous than they do. I hope the beers everybody on this show drinks are just water, which would explain why they’re always open.

Oh boy, a new Splinter Cell game! I seem to remember Sam Fisher’s daughter being murdered offscreen in one game and then being kidnapped in the next, so I don’t play Splinter Cell anymore, save for the first one, on PC. I don’t have fond memories of the console version, but hey, it was five bucks.

We see Hernandez enter, then more commercials. When we return, Main Event Mafia (still minus Kurt Angle) is plotting their schemes backstage. They still don’t have a fifth man. You’d think they could have negotiated something earlier, since they had a whole week to do it. It’s not like WWE, where they’re doing a show almost every day but only two are taped; they had plenty of free time.

The third match of the night is the Street Fight for 20 points in the Bound for Glory series featuring “SuperMex” Hernandez, “Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels, Jay Bradley, and Joseph Park (w/ “Showtime” Eric Young).

So, Joseph Park. If you don’t know, TNA has a wrestler named Abyss who’s essentially Mankind plus Kane, only Mick Foley is likeable and Kane is intimidating (at least, when he’s masked). I don’t really know how good of a wrestler Abyss is, because he hasn’t wrestled in months. No, no, no. Now we get Abyss’ brother, Joseph Park (it’s the same actor), the lawyer who helped uncover the identity of the VP of Aces and Eights, D-Lo Brown (who was let go recently, so who cares?). His character is a bumbling buffoon in a track suit who insists on wrestling in matches and frequently winning against people I like, mostly Bad Influence. His thing is that when he sees his own blood, he freaks out and uses Abyss’ finisher, the Black Hole Slam, to win matches. Let’s get this straight: his character is not a wrestler. Yet he is in the Bound for Glory series, since he won a qualifying match against Crimson, and I’ve lost interest in this sentence so let’s get back to the match.

So right away, there are two jobbers in this match, and that’s just lazy, at least spread the jobbers out. Jay Bradley is a newcomer and his finisher is a clothesline called the Boomstick, so yeah, he has the same chance of winning as I do. Random “street”-based objects have been thrown around the ring like stop signs, garbage cans, and traffic cones. Oh, and kendo sticks. What, you’ve never seen a kendo stick on the side of the road? Come to Jersey, the place is lousy with kendo sticks, I can hardly walk to my car without tripping on three of the damn things.

The jobbers lock up and Hernandez goes after Daniels, which I would love to see in a singles match because I like both of them. Bradley takes Park down and goes after Hernandez, letting Daniels rest up, before Hernandez clotheslines him to the outside. Daniels goes for a schoolboy and then a small package, neither succeed, but that’s the kind of smart wrestling I like. Wouldn’t you go for pins whenever possible? Hern picks Daniels up and goes for a backbreaker across the shoulder. Bradley hits Hernandez with a chair then wraps it around his neck, before jabbing it into his skull. He goes to whip SuperMex into the far corner, but the big man reverses it and sends him into Park’s elbow.

Park is getting real offense in, because he’s actually Abyss and TNA hates me. At least it’s better than Vince McMahon nearly beating CM Punk in a street fight (yes, that happened). Roode and Kaz come out to the ring, making me question why they weren’t there to begin with. They hang back because there need to be more commercials, but seriously, why? There are no rules and no penalties for interference. when we return Daniels is about to hit (or perhaps just done done hitting) Hernandez with a stick, but Hernandez kicks him and takes the stick because Daniels can’t catch a break in this company despite having led it to its best match (something like eight years ago, but still).

Daniels hits a back body drop on the steel ramp. Roode and Kaz are watching Park and Bradley in the ring, perhaps to prevent any pins that might cost Daniels, perhaps because they’re idiots, maybe they’re totally unconcerned for Daniels’ safety when he’s fighting a man twice his size. Park puts Bradley in a Boston crab, but breaks it when Kaz and Daniels distract him by just sort of looking in his general direction. They start to beat up Park, but then Young starts attacking them until they beat him up (Eric Young has been at ringside this whole time, I had forgotten too). Bradley forces Daniels into the corner and hits a low blow and a chair across the back. Daniels gets hit with a sidewalk slam on the chair by Bradley, who goes for the Boomstick, but Roode and Kaz pull him out of the ring. Hernandez hits Air Mexico (a unique move, in that it’s a suicide dive to the inside of the ring) and starts to beat up Daniels. Hernandez is about to go for the Border Toss (a crucifix powerbomb, much like the Celtic Cross that Sheamus used when he was a heel)(and entertaining), but Daniels holds on to the ropes and gets out of it. While Hernandez’s back is turned, Austin Aries jumps in and throws him outside. Aries high-fives Roode and Kaz and makes like he’ll side with them, then hits Daniels with the Brainbuster before bailing out and drawing Roode and Kaz away from the ring. The crowd starts to chant for Daniel Bryan, who you’ll note doesn’t work here. Bradley hits Park with brass knuckles, but then Park sees his own blood and flips out, clearing the ring and hitting the Black Hole Slam on Bradley for the three count and 20 BFG series points. Thank goodness, I might have actually been invested in Bad Influence’s rising fortunes. Close call.

Backstage, MEM is still whining. Magnus and Joe say they’ll be fine with just the four of them, which would be true if Sting weren’t in his 50s. We get a recap of Brooke and Bully’s relationship. It might have been dumb, sure, but it made sense: Bully seduced Brooke knowing the Hulk Hogan is a nepotistic dick who would give his son-in-law anything he wanted (a lot like how Triple H teamed up with the McMahons), and he managed to convince both Brooke and Sting that his intentions were pure. Sting eventually convinced Hogan of the same, and then Bully revealed that this had all been part of his Machiavellian scheme to get the title from Jeff Hardy. Also, Sting vouched for Tito Ortiz’ integrity last week. The lesson we learned here? Sting is a terrible judge of character.

Bully and Ortiz come to the ring, minus the rest of A&8. You know, Bully might not be a great wrestler, but he can piss off a crowd, even one as down on Quaalude as this one apparently is. He doesn’t say he’s a two-time champion because he doesn’t even recognize Sabin’s brief reign. Ortiz brags that he’ll beat Rampage again at their fight on December 4th. Bully calls Brooke to the ring, but she doesn’t show up right away. Just then! It’s Brooke Tessmacher, who apparently wasn’t laid off due to cost-cutting measures, and she’s Bully’s love of his life. I’m really not sure what this signifies. Brooke removes Bully’s wedding ring with her mouth, and Bully declares that with “the hot” Brooke, Tito Ortiz, and Tazz, he’s unstoppable. So inevitably, we’re leading up to the A&8 turning on Bully because he has done basically nothing for them lately, or really ever, and thinks his strength lies in Tito Ortiz, a female wrestler who used to be Eric Bischoff’s secretary/prostitute, and a commentator who’s less coherent than I am in the midst of a fever dream half the time.

Oh wow! On September 6th,Impact will be live from Newark, Delaware, that’s where I was born! Don’t tell anyone though: it’s my deep dark secret that I’m not actually from New Jersey.

Fourth match-up is Gail Kim against ODB. I won’t say for sure that Gail Kim is the perfect woman, but she comes close. ODB uses her size and strength edge early. Gail with a move that Tazz calls an armbar, and I may not know what it’s called but it’s definitely not an armbar. Gail starts to work the arm with a chickenwing and sort of hitting her groin into it, which I don’t think hurts very much. Gail hits a very lazy…I don’t know, headbuster?, and goes back to the hammerlock. Amusingly, after ODB breaks the hold, she keeps her arm in the hammerlock position for a few seconds, you’d think she’d want to stretch it out. ODB hits a low blow (and she’s the babyface!), follows up with clotheslines, elbow strikes, and ramming Gail’s head into the turnbuckle and then jumps on her from the top rope. Gail goes to the top rope, but ODB stops her and superplexes her (!). Gail uses a crucifix roll-up for the pin. Not a great match, but passable, as ODB sold her arm throughout, and hit a really good superplex.

Lengthy vignette of Jeff Hardy talking about winning the world title. Hey Jeff, remember that time you got high and/or drunk out of your mind, got online, and trash-talked the infinitely more talented CM Punk? Or that time you totally screwed up a pay-per-view main event by showing up late and tripping balls? Or how you still can’t do a headscissors takedown? Never change, Jeff.

And this is it, our main event, Aces and Eights (Mr. Anderson, Devon, Knux, Wes Briscoe, and Garrett Bischoff) v. The Main Event Mafia (Sting, Magnus, Samoa Joe, and Rampage Jackson), Loser Leaves TNA. Is it a Hardcore Rules match? No, but that’s probably for the best (despite this show being Hardcore Justice and all). I hate matches like this because they tend to devolve into big confusing brawls. Anderson grabs a mic (but it’s just a normal mic and doesn’t appear from nowhere after Anderson’s fashion) first and calls Bully to ringside to watch the match, so Bully, Brooke, and Ortiz stay up on the ramp instead of actually coming to the ring. The lights go out, and AJ Styles comes out, at first to his new brooding music, then his old “Get Ready to Fly” music and he jumps the ring to join the Mafia! Immediately the big confusing brawl starts.

When it clears up a bit AJ and Wes are in the ring. AJ hits a great dropkick on Briscoe, then Magnus gets in, he doesn’t tag or anything, he just shows up, and hits a few suplexes before tagging Joe. Joe pounds on Briscoe in the Mafia’s corner before hitting an enzuigiri, and it must be said that it’s still really damn impressive when a man the size of Samoa Joe does an enzuigiri. Joe goes for the pin, but not even Wes Briscoe will be pinned by an enzuigiri. Wes tags in Bischoff, who is immediately taken down by Joe, who tags AJ back in.

It must be said that Samoa Joe, an excellent mat wrestler who also possesses incredible agility by the standards of men 50 pounds lighter than he is, is totally wasted in a match like this where he can’t work.

Bisch gets hit with a backbreaker. Once again, all the A&8 are wearing leather cuts and shirts underneath, which doesn’t seem fair. It’s not like it’s chainmail or anything, but those do absorb a fair amount of impact compared to the nothing that AJ, Joe, and Magnus are sporting. Bisch forces Magnus into the Aces’ corner and tags in Knux, but Knux is in control for maybe 10 seconds before Magnus forces him away, but then Knux hits a shoulder block and a back drop before tagging Devon. Devon, as per Devo, does nothing of interest and tags Bisch back in.

You may be wondering Garrett Bischoff is a good wrestler. Well, he isn’t. Bisch hits a flapjack and tags in Wes. Wes whips Bisch into Magnus, who whips Magnus into a clothesline from Wes. It’s all very exciting, I assure you. Joe breaks the pin, but was there any danger of Magnus satying down for three after a clothesline? Wes tags Anderson, Magnus catches Anderson in midair, but Anderson rakes the eyes and tags in Devon, who finally does a move (leg drop) and taunts like Hulk.  Devon does a kind of spinning shoulder block to Magnus, or possibly just hurfs at him, then spineroonis up for reasons I cannot know.

Knux tags in, slams Magnus, and does a leg drop off the top rope, goes for three pins in a row. He tries to suplex Magnus, but Magnus counters with a DDT. Magnus tags in Sting, who dropkicks Knux, hits the Stinger Splash twice and goes for the Scorpion Deathlock, but then the big confusing brawl starts again. Rampage gets back in the ring first and fights off the successive A&8 members with no-skill fake punches and elbows before Knux hits him from behind. Sting puts Knux in the Scorpion Deathlock, but Devon hits a low blow on Sting and drags Knux onto Sting, but the ref wasn’t in the ring and Sting kicks out once he gets back in. Devon body slams Sting and goes to the top rope for a flying headbutt, but Sting rolls away. Sting tags in AJ who unloads on everyone, and goes to hit a combo on Devon, which usually ends with AJ’s flying clothesline, but Devon falls down right before AJ can hit it, looking rather silly. AJ hits an enzuigiri and almost gets three on Devon, but again, no one gets pinned following an enzuigiri. Anderson and Bisch jump the ring and the brawl starts again. AJ goes for the Styles Clash, but Anderson interferes, so AJ hits the Pele Kick, Devon hits a Spear on AJ, but then AJ hits the Styles Clash and pins Devon, and therefore Devon is fired!

Bully and company look all shocked, and I’ll admit I was wrong. I had assumed Rampage was going to go, because it is clear from his performance tonight, in that there was no performance, that the company does not have enough faith in him to put him in the ring for more than a minute. And yet, here he is in the main event. Still, Magnus, Joe, and AJ were in this match a decent amount of the time, not that they got to do anything all that impressive. And that’s why I hate these big clusterbrawl matches, we don’t get to see wrestlers, you know, wrestling. Which, last time I checked, was what I was tuning in to see, and is what I will probably fail to get for as long as the damn A&8 plot continues, and it’s been going strong (well, it’s been going anyway) for something like, what, eight months now?

So speaking of big faction-on-faction wars, you might recall, if you know much about WCW, that the whole New World Order thing is part of what brought that company to its knees. Something similar is happening here: Hulk Hogan, who has a great deal of influence backstage, is apparently the one who insisted that Impact tour around the country instead of filming exclusively in Orlando. The expense of travel, renting arenas, and live filming are all taking their toll on the company financially, and according to the rumor mill, even those wrestlers who haven’t been let go (Joey Ryan, Crimson, Madison Rayne, Matt Morgan, and Christian York) have been getting their paychecks late. TNA even seems to be on the verge of letting AJ Styles’ contract expire, and he’s been with them since their first televised broadcast. We’re getting big matches and angles built around Sting and Bubba Ray Dudley, who while they’re both holding up remarkably well considering the death machine that it pro wrestling, are still many years past their prime. Even guys I’ve been heaping praise on, like Daniels, Styles, and Joe, are no spring chickens. The cost of filming is such that the show tapes two episodes at each arena, which is why Kurt Angle was shown on Impact and then a week later, we heard he entered rehab two weeks ago. It’s why the crowd tends to get dead after a while, because they’re sitting through over three hours straight of wrestling, and the wrestling hasn’t been very good lately. It’s entirely possible we’ll see people jumping ship, maybe to WWE, maybe to NJPW, who knows.

Here’s what I do know: I would pay damn good money to see CM Punk face AJ Styles at Wrestlemania.

Quote of the Night: Mike Tenay, as Devon does a Degeneration X crotch chop at AJ, “Devon drops the iPod!” Oh, Tenay. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Mike Tyson Playing Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!

Mike Tyson finally got his hands on Mike Tyson’s Punch Out – and he’s far from good. C’mon Mike, I know you ain’t going out like that on Glass Joe.

Kafaybe Korner with Dylan: TNA Impact Review 8/16/13 (and Some WWE Too)!

Welcome new professional wrestling commentator Dylan to the site! Here’s the Kafaybe Korner with Dylan!

This Sunday, John Cena will face off against Daniel “Brian Danielson” Bryan for the WWE Championship in what’s shaping up to be a story very similar to when Punk beat Cena for the title at Money in the Bank in 2011. Punk himself will be facing Brock Lesnar, and Alberto Del Rio will defend his World Heavyweight Title against Christian, which is odd because I don’t think the two of them have spoken to each other since Christian returned. Also, Dolph Ziggler will be in a mixed tag team match, and we should all just forget that he was the world champion a couple of months ago. Oh, and Bray Wyatt will face Kane in the fourth Inferno Match ever.

But nevermind all that, because if you want to talk about crazy nonsense in pro wrestling, you have to watch TNA Impact. Where Smackdown is WWE’s “B” show, TNA is kind of like the “B” promotion. Impact is somewhat notorious for being, in a word, terrible. It’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be in 2010, for example, when Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff had assumed (on-screen) control.

We join Impact for one of its free pay-per-views (most of TNA’s pay-per-views are aired as normal episodes of Impact, presumably because they need the ratings), Hardcore Justice. And it’s not much of a pay-per-view, since those are usually three hours long and this show is only two. Anyway, the card contains two Bound for Glory series matches and the Steel Cage match for the TNA World Heavyweight Title between current champ Chris Sabin and Bully Ray (a.k.a. Buh Buh Ray Dudley, but WWE owns the “Dudley” name).

The BFG series is one of those things that I actually like about Impact more than WWE shows, namely that we’re at least pretending there’s some measure of reason to the title picture. The series features 10 wrestlers trying to collect points by winning (7 for a pinfall, 10 for submission, 5 for countout win, 2 for a draw, 3 for winning by disqualification, and -10 for being disqualified), with the leader by October 20th being given a shot at the world title at the Bound for Glory pay-per-view. The two matches  tonight are a ladder and tables match each for 20 points.

That ladder match is first on the card, featuring Kazarian, AJ Styles, Austin Aries, and Jeff Hardy. Yes, Jeff Hardy still works here, even after that time he showed up to a pay-per-view main event hopped up on god knows what and was forcibly pinned in about ten seconds for the world title. You probably don’t know who these guys are if you generally just follow WWE (though you might remember Hardy), and I’ll tell you right now that this match isn’t all that good of an introduction to them, which is a pity because these guys are all very good (except Hardy).

AJ Styles is currently a villain, but he doesn’t really do anything different when he’s a heel, apart from that one time he stabbed a man in the eye with a pen, but that was years ago. Mostly now he just stares at the camera with a blank look on his face. Damn good wrestler, though. Aries is a crowd favorite but was never really a babyface, and Kazarian is part of the heel team Bad Influence with “Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels, leaving Hardy as the match’s only babyface.

The match begins with Kaz immediately bailing out of the ring to go get a ladder, but when he returns he finds that the other three men won’t let him get back in the ring with it. Aries jumps out and throws Kaz off of the ramp (the ramp to the ring is elevated in Impact, looks like around four feet so it’s a decent fall) while AJ and Hardy fight in the ring. The camera cuts back and forth between the pairs a few times, and it can be hard to tell what’s going on at any given moment.

Early on Hardy does a headscissors takedown on Aries to throw him outside the ring, and as I watched this totally unconvincing move play out, I can’t seem to recall a single successful headscissors takedown on Impact. It always winds up looking really fake, and yes, it is fake, but that’s not the point.

This match is, on the whole, bland. There’s nothing you haven’t seen in ladder matches before, and no one did anything that was even all that iconic of themselves. The most hardcore thing to happen was Aries powerbombing Hardy off a ladder, which was pretty cool, and would have been cooler if AJ and Kaz weren’t standing on an adjacent ladder, distracting you from what Aries was doing. At one point AJ had Aries in position for the Styles Clash, but Kaz walked over to him and used a reverse STO to take both men down (though heel announcer Taz neglected to comment that this is fellow heel Mr. Anderson’s signature move, the Mic Check). Near the end of the match, Kaz’s allies Christopher Daniels and Bobby Roode come to the ring. Daniels carefully sets his omnipresent appletini on the ramp and tries to get in the ring, distracting the living daylights out of the referee, who doesn’t notice Roode entering the ring from the other side and pulling Hardy off the ladder for a moment. When no one is watching, Kaz grabs the appletini and throws it in Hardy’s face before grabbing the 20 points. It didn’t look like the drink came anywhere near Hardy’s face, but I guess it’s not easy to throw a liquid up in the air with much accuracy. Kazarian wins!

Apparently two weeks ago, Kurt Angle was arrested for driving under the influence (again) and entered rehab. Here’s hoping he can get better; he’s nowhere near the wrestler he once was, but he’s still awesome, after having endured years of injuries that would have crippled or killed other men. Godspeed, Kurt. But this does leave a hole in the newly-reformed (again) Main Event Mafia, a group Sting formed after losing to Bully Ray for the world title because Sting is an idiot and didn’t predict that Bully would call his gang of thugs to help him out in a No Holds Barred Match (after Bully won the title from Hardy by calling his gang of thugs to help him out in a Steel Cage match last year). The new MEM consists of Sting, Kurt Angle, Magnus, former Ring of Honor star Samoa Joe, and former MMA fighter “Rampage” Jackson, who has not yet had a match and may not actually know how to wrestle.

This show was supposed to feature a 5-on-5 tag match between the Main Event Mafia and the remaining five men of Aces & Eights. There had been eight guys in A&8, but D-Lo Brown and Doc (formerly Festus/Luke Gallows in WWE) were released as cost-cutting measures, leaving Ken “Mr.” Anderson (formerly Mr. Kennedy in WWE), Devon (Dudley), Wes Briscoe, Garrett Bischoff (son of WCW promoter Eric Bischoff), and Knux (formerly Mike Knox, and still no one of consequence). Now that Angle is out, the Mafia needs a fifth man for the match. However, the match stipulation is such that whoever is pinned has to leave TNA. Does this mean that if the Mafia recruits someone just to be their fifth, and he gets pinned, he has to leave even though he’s not part of the Mafia? This possibility isn’t addressed, and something tells me no one actually thought of it.

Anyway, A&8 hits the ring and Anderson taunts the Mafia about being able to end the career one of the greats. Magnus gets his own mic and says basically nothing with a British accent. A&8 beats up the Mafia and we are told that Tito Ortiz got to the arena just a little while ago.

Oh, right, to recap, two weeks ago former MMA champion Tito Ortiz came to Impact. I don’t care, and neither should you.

Up next is the night’s only Hardcore rules match, for the Knockouts title between Gail Kim, ODB, and champion Mickie James. It’s an okay match, in that no one screws anything up very badly, and ODB pins Gail after an F5 type of move onto a chair. It’s better than most WWE Divas’ matches, but just a little while ago we had two amazing Knockouts matches between Gail Kim and Taryn Terrell, one a Ladder match and the other a quite violent Last Woman Standing match. There is a fun bit in this match wherein ODB removes one of her three bras and uses it as a garrotte. I guess that’s something you won’t see on WWE shows, at least not since Bryan was fired for strangling a crew member with a purse strap (both apparently got better).

Backstage, Sting tells the Mafia that he’s going to go ask Austin Aries to help them, even though Magnus and Joe hate the guy. After a commercial, Sting appeals to Aries’ hatred of Bully Ray to get him to help the Mafia. I wasn’t aware that Aries hated Bully. I can’t recall him ever mentioning it, or a time that Bully attacked Aries any more than anyone else. And besides, Aries lost the title to Jeff Hardy, who eventually lost it to Bully. There’s not really much of a reason for Aries to do anything here.

In fact, earlier, Magnus had remarked that it would be difficult to find another wrestler willing to join the fight against A&8. Well, if Aries’ hatred of the gang is a result of them beating up everyone indiscriminately when they debuted last year, when no one knew who was leading them, then you could ask almost anyone for help. Why not ask James Storm, who was leading the series for a while before Hardy won enough special matches to take the lead? Bully tried to convince people that Storm was the one leading A&8 for a while, and thanks to that distraction, Storm might feel he was robbed of his world title shot at Aries. Since the guy Sting asks refuses anyway, why not have the segment make sense and give Storm a brief spot on a show he’s not on?

Meh. After another commercial, we see Bobby Roode backstage talking about how if he wins the upcoming Tables match, that 20 points will propel him to second place in the series with 27 points, in between Magnus (39) and Samoa Joe (26).

After another commercial, Rampage, Joe, and Magnus say they don’t trust Aries, and Sting comes in to tell them Aries refused. Rampage says he has an idea, and asks Joe to come back him up, so they leave.

After another commercial, we get a clip of Rampage and Joe heading to the ring and saying they’re going to call someone out.

After another commercial goddamn it I’m about to beat myself to death with the remote, we see Bully talking on the phone to his on-screen wife, Brooke Hogan (Hulk’s daughter) (really). He promises to win back his title, and refers to himself with one of the most unerotic nicknames I have ever heard, “Calfzilla.” Not the most, but it’s up there. This is new, because ever since Bully revealed he was the leader of A&8 after screwing Hardy out of the title, Brooke and Bully have been at odds, in segments that are usually as uncomfortable to watch as they are stupid.

Back in the ring, Rampage calls out Ortiz (beat still, my heart), who appears to have ripped off Anderson’s shirt design (the front says “Wrestling is Real” and in small letters is “Punishment,” whereas Anderson’s has “Pro wrestling is real” on the front and “People are fake” on the back). Apparently they have a match together in November. I know this because it’s repeated around five times during this exchange. Rampage asks Ortiz to start his TNA career off right and help out the Mafia. Bully interrupts (though the wrong music plays when he does) and threatens Ortiz to stay out of his way. When Ortiz tries to charge Bully, Joe and Rampage hold him back. Why?

 

More than halfway through is our third match, a Tables match for 20 BFG points.

Anderson entrers.

Commercial.

Magnus enters.

Commercial.

Recap of Ramapage’s rambling, and we don’t get to see Joe’s entrance. There’s a neat moment where Roode screams “Oh god!” right before an atomic drop, you don’t usually hear wrestlers yell or scream audibly, it adds to the realism if done right. At one point Joe places the ring bell on Roode’s groin and then rings it; I’m going to assume that hurts, but I can’t be sure. There was one really confusing moment where Magnus and Joe were slouching in opposite corners, Roode and Anderson go to whip them at each other, but Magnus reverses the whip and Joe clotheslines Roode, but the camera cut away right as Magnus was countering the whip, so I thought Joe had clotheslined Magnus and was wondering why the announce team weren’t commenting on that suddenly fractured alliance.  Kazarian and Daniels come out to help, and while Kaz goes after Joe, Daniels passes Roode the appletini, which goes into Magnus’ face, letting Roode powerbomb him through the table for the win. This was my favorite match of the night, despite the predictable finish. You say more double-teaming in this match, mostly from Magnus and Joe, which makes sense, but Roode is such a good wrestler that his brief team-ups with Anderson work very well. My remaining question is where Daniels gets these drinks on short notice. What if the arena he’s in doesn’t have a bar? Does he leave before he has a match, rush to the closest bar, ask the bartender to put the drink in his personal glass (I mean, he couldn’t just leave with the glass, right?), then get back to the arena without spilling it and never actually sipping it until he has to get to the ring? Or does he make them ahead of time and store them in a minifridge and only take them out when he has to wrestle or speak on camera? These are the things that keep me awake at night.

Apparently next week, Impact will still be in “Hardcore Justice” mode, as there will be a Street Fight between Christopher Daniels, “SuperMex” Hernandez, Jay Bradley, and Joseph Park (a.k.a. Abyss). The ads for Knockouts merchandise always trick me into thinking they’re ads for local strip clubs. The next PPV, No Surrender, will also be aired for free on Spike, which is good for me, but a bad sign for the company financially; they must really need the ratings.

Bully and Anderson are arguing backstage. Bully blames Anderson for his recent losses to Sabin. Naturally, Anderson informs him that they were only following Bully’s orders to help him out. Anderson actually comes off as very reasonable here.

The main event tonight is the Cage Match for the World Heavyweight Title. Bully comes out to the correct music and graphics this time. I notice Sabin is billed as from Detroit again, when I could swear that a month ago he was from Hell, Michigan. The rules are clarified: pins, submissions, and escaping from the cage wins the match. Back in the day, escape was the only way to win a cage match, so it is nice that they let us know how it’s being done now. At one point Sabin whips Bully with his leather cut (since he’s still wearing a shirt, I don’t think it hurt very much). Once again, they totally screw up a headscissors takedown off the turnbuckle. Bully knocks Sabin into the ref, causing him to miss Sabin’s pin after a missile dropkick. Sabin leaves the cage, but Anderson throws him back in. Rampage and Ortiz take out Anderson, but then Ortiz knocks Rampage out with a hammer and Bully BullyBombs Sabin for the pin and the title. Ortiz comes into the cage and celebrates with Taz and Bully.

 

All in all, this match was okay. It didn’t really suck like their first title match, and it wasn’t as good as their last tag match (which wasn’t very good anyway). I’m not sure why these guys can’t seem to have a really good match. Sabin is an excellent wrestler, and while he recently came back from injury, he was doing fine until now. Granted, he was working with the smaller and faster X Division wrestlers like Sonjay Dutt and Manik (formerly “Suicide”). Still, a year ago, before all this Aces and Eights crap, Bully was having good matches with AJ, Aries, and Storm. If they were the ones carrying him through those matches, then ever letting him be a singles competitor was a mistake. Though maybe they know that and are trying to hide it with the gang, but if that’s the plan, it’s not working.

That’s all for this week’s Impact, on Monday I’ll post my two cents on Summer Slam, which does promise to be a much better show, and not just because there won’t be thirty minutes of commercials.

Tax Day Freebies 2012 – April 17th!

Get some tax day freebies at these places!

Chili’s:  Get a free appetizer or dessert with an adult entree purchase when you show this coupon April 16-18.

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Arby’s:  Grab some free Arby’s Curly Fries for tax day.  Print out a special coupon on its Facebook site to receive the free fries and enter for a chance to win $5,000.

MaggieMoo’s:  MaggieMoo’s and Marble Slab Creamery are offering a free scoop of a  new frozen yogurt to customers from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m.  Click here for a list of participating locations and make a donation to the Boys and Girls Clubs of America when you visit the shop.

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Chili’s:  Twitter followers, Facebook fans and club members will receive a coupon for a free appetizer or dessert with purchase of an adult entree April 16-18.

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