Talk about a love triangle - or is it a diamond? NY Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez has split with his wife Cynthia Rodríguez after months of martial issues. But it doesn’t stop there. Add in a few celebrities, like Madonna and Lenny Kravitz and this really gets interesting.
First ARod has been spotted getting very close with Madonna, sometimes leaving her NY apartment after midnight. Madonna and Lenny Kravitz used to date back in the 90’s. So what does Cynthia do as ARod and Mad get cozy? She runs off to Paris to hook up with Lenny. I guess its a case of an eye for an eye…er…musician for a musician for the Rodriguez’s.
Where this leaves Madonna’s husband, Guy Ritchie is anyone’s guess. I guess he could make this love diamond a hexagonsexagon by nailing Kravitz ex-wife Lisa Bonnet.
How A-Rod has any time for baseball is beyond me. I bet he starts hitting a lot more home runs though!
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She may look like a sweet home maker, but beneath the surface Lisa Lampanelli is all bitch…a hilarious bitch! Picture June Cleaver and Andrew “Dice” Clay having a demon offspring and you have up and coming comic Lisa Lampanelli. Famous for completely ignoring political correctness and flat out mocking blacks, jews, gays, asians, and everyone else on earth to their face, Lisa looks like a mom but has the mouth of a sailor……make that 18 sailors……in prison. And I think she is fucking awesome.
Variety.com reported the other day that the edgy comic is slated to star in, executive produce, and co-create a new half hour series on HBO. The same network that brought us critically acclaimed shows like Entourage and Curb Your Enthusiasm must really see something special in this princess of profanity. They have also tapped Jim Carrey to co-create and executive produce. If you ask me HBO is on to something huge and hilarious.
If you have never seen Lisa before, check out this YouTube clip. Oh…and this is a tame version. Check out this link for a real taste of her filth.
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Oh holy grossness Batman! Looks like Verne Troyer, the 3-foot whatever actor who plays Mini Me has a sex tape. TMZ.com broke the eye scalding news yesterday. Of course, there was no way we could let this news pass the desk of Buzz Pirates without our professional opinion.
Ok, we get that people have some sick fetishes out there. To each their own. But really…who is going to want to watch this? Wouldn’t it kinda be like watching a matchbox car drive through the Lincoln Tunnel? And what about his girlfriend? It is just amazing what some people will do for love money. I am sure Verne is worth a couple of $million$. I guess this is a step up from blowing a gerbil for a chance at that loot. But who knows…maybe she really likes the Mini Meat.
Looks like the dealer who negotiated the Paris Hilton video is trying to move this to DVD. We’ve got a little advice for him…stick with the hot blondes.
If you can handle it, a clip of the video can be seen here. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
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Legendary comedian George Carlin passed away yesterday from heart failure at the age of 71. George was among the most influential comedians ever, with a Grammy Award winning career that spanned nearly 4 decades. George was best known for his catchy one line phrases that were so obvious and true that they were funnier than anything that could be imagined.
In honor of George, I am happy to list my 10 Top George Carlin quotes.
#10 What if there were no hypothetical questions?
#9 I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
#8 Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
#7 The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
#6 When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
#5 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
#4 In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
#3 What year did Jesus think it was?
#2 Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
#1 I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Number one may not be the funniest, but it is the one that most accurately describes George and his career. He will surely be missed. Rest in peace George.
The American Film Institute (AFI) recently released its list of the 10 Top 10 - the top ten American films in ten different categories. While some of the genres they chose were awesome, like Sports, Gangster, Sci-Fi, and Epic Movies. There is one category that I think they completely forgot - Horror. I mean come on…how can you have a category for Courtroom Drama and not include Horror! So I thought I would do the world a favor and put together my own list of Top 10 Horror Movies.
Without further ado, I present the Buzz Pirate’s Top 10 Horror Films…
#10 - Saw
Just downright disturbing. Saw reminds us what a good horror flick is supposed to do…mess with your head and make you wonder if its normal to enjoy such a thing.
#9 - The Ring
I give The Ring credit for bringing horror movies back into the mainstream after a long hiatus. A videotape, a phone call, and a hot Naomi Watts who inherits the crown of “Horror Princess” from Jamie Lee Curtis - what more do you need?
#8 - Rosemary’s Baby
Ok, enough of the new stuff. Time to get into the best movies of all time. With Mia Farrow giving birth to Satan’s spawn, Rosemary’s Baby is probably Roman Polanski’s finest work. There is just something about an older movie like this that makes it extra spine chilling.
#7 - Jaws
Da Dum……Da Dum……just the sound of that music makes some people check their shorts. When Jaws was released in 1975, it had such an affect on people that some are still too afraid to swim in the ocean to this very day.
#6 - Poltergeist
They’re heeere. One of the best haunted house movies ever, I think Poltergeist is solely responsible for ruining the idea that clowns are a happy thing. That freaky little lady with the high voice makes it extra scary.
#5 - The Exorcist
Again, there is just something about an older movie and demonic possession that will scare the shit out of anyone. The Exorcist takes the cake when it comes to heart stopping suspense that increases in intensity minute after minute. Oh…and how can you forget the famous Linda Blair head spin!
#4 - Halloween
Forget Freddie…screw Jason…when it comes maniacal killers, Michael Meyers has my vote for the scariest psychopath. The original Halloween is, without a doubt, the very best without-a-plot pure horror flick. I still get chills when I see that freaky mask on the store shelves every October.
#3 - Psycho
This list would not be complete without something from the original horror master, Alfred Hitchcock. Psycho is the granddaddy of the entire horror movie genre. Creepy music (ehh…ehh…ehh), blood spatter, knife wielding maniacs…Psycho invented it all. Mr. Hitchcock always adds his personal touch with his famous “Good afternoon…”
#2 - Alien
What says “horror” better than aliens busting through your gut! The original Alien is not only the best horror movie about space creatures, it is perhaps the most brilliant display of cinematography ever. You actually feel like you are on the dark, isolated, and claustrophobic space ship in the middle nowhere and you are scared shitless from the opening credits.
And the winner is…
#1 - The Shining
Here’s Johnny! How can you make a story written by horror mastermind Stephen King any better? Simple..have it star Jack Nicholson as the leading maniac! Add Stanley Kubrick behind the camera, a deserted hotel in the middle of nowhere, and the scariest hedge maze ever, and you’ve got the ingredients for one hell of a horror flick. The Shining has my vote for the best Horror movie of all time.
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Happy Father’s Day to all you Dads out there! In honor of this special day, we thought we would give you a few shining examples of how to NOT screw up your kids!
1. When pretending that you care about your least favorite kids, it helps to sit near them.
2. Always keep your stash hidden from your little hoodlums.
3. For the love of God! Don’t make out with your daugher!
4. When your son gets out of jail for practically killing his best friend, don’t reward him with his own REALITY SHOW!
Follow these tips and your child will at least have a chance of being somewhat normal!
Happy Father’s Day!
Jeff
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This blog is normally about making fun of the news. Every once in a while though, something tragic happens that we just cannot ignore. I don’t normally mix my politics with my blogging. I have two blogs - one that is about blogging and one that is about humor. None are about politics. Yet, I would be remiss if I did not pay homage to a man that has kept us informed about the political battle ground through thick and thin. Tim Russert, the host of NBC’s Meet The Press passed away today from an unenexpected heart attack. He was 58.
I’ll let you in on a little secret…I travel a lot between New York and Washington D.C. And I have bumped into Tim a few times. I have been to Washington Nationals Baseball games and have seen Tim in the third row behind home plate cheering for his non-Buffalo, Washington DC baseball team. Tim was a guy you could not help but to like. Left wing or right wing - Tim was the real deal, and you respected him either way. He will surely be missed.
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Just as I was complaining that there was no funny news happening today, the media Gods go ahead and serve this nugget up on a golden (brown) platter. Fox News is reporting today that political activists are starting to shit their pants over the idea of literally shitting their pants through the use of a new crowd control weapon called The Crap Cannon. I couldn’t make this up folks.
Also called “Brown Note“, the weapon is believed to use ultrasonic frequencies to disrupt a person’s bowels, debilitating them by causing them to defecate involuntarily. It is rumored that the weapon may be used on political activists planning to protest at the upcoming Democratic National Convention in Denver.
Whether or not this weapon truly exists is up for debate. Glenn Spangnuolo, a member of activist group Re-create 68, said he has no doubt that Brown Note exists. He says that it may not cause you to crap in your pants, but it does make a person feel disoriented by losing their equilibrium while feeling nauseous. Some other experts disagree. Our friends at the popular Discovery Channel show MythBusters have tested this one out with a variety of audible and sub-audible frequencies and were not able to cause any crappage. According to them, the myth is busted.
So who knows if the Crap Cannon really exist. After all, it was reported by Fox News. Let’s just be glad that the Democratic Convention is in the mile high city, because it if the weapon does exists, Denver is gonna be one stinky town.
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Sometimes the news just isn’t funny, which sucks for us here at Buzz Pirates because we have to find other ways to entertain ourselves. And what is better for a quick laugh than a really AWESOME and HILARIOUS TShirt. Here is this week’s choice for Awesome TShirt of the Week.
If it takes you a few seconds to get it, it probably applies to you.
This TShirt and many many other hilarious ones are available at DeezTeez.com.
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Legendary comedian George Carlin 
reminds us what a good horror flick is supposed to do…mess with your head and make you wonder if its normal to enjoy such a thing.
Just as I was 